8 years in, is this normal?

[minesadecaf]

Dh and I are 38 and 31 respectively. Both work full time and have two kids. Been together 8 years.

Is it normal for the relationship to become boring? Just blah. We seem to co-exist but not much more. No specific reason other than I think we've been together a longtime.

He goes to football regularly and sees mates. Doesn't bother me; I quite like the time alone. I on the other hand have no real hobbies or interests. I'm a homebod and fine with that. Interests wise, our only common ground is the kids really but hey, opposites attract etc.

In the past year we've been out once just the two of us. We went for a meal which was nice but neither seem fussed about doing anything alone more regularly. I'm a saver and don't see the need to go out and spend for the sake of it.

I'm rambling but I guess I just wanted to see if anyone else can normalise this. Or is everyone else riding unicorns together to the tune of Marvin Gaye still?

What about the other suggestions to lighten your load? Since there's no flexibility with work, what about looking at a cleaner, or finding carers to pick up the grunt work, what about using your network of (eminently qualified) potential babysitters, to scratch yourself out some time for yourself and the relationship? You need to raise your eyes off the grindstone.

The thing is, my mental health suffers if I'm not busy. I could never be a sahm for example. I thrive on work and busyness (though of course I do moan about it!). A cleaner possibly but for now I'm managing.

This evening was weird. 7.45, kids in bed and we're both on separate sofas. Fine. But whilst staring aimlessly at the tv I was thinking "we should probably be sat together, oh but it feels awkward, is he thinking the same? Should I go to his sofa?" I was mentally yelling at myself for overthinking it. In the end he said to come and sit next to him and then we both sat silently watching tv, side by side but no physical connection. So now 8.45, I'm in bed.

My relationship was like this before it ended. Living as mates basically

But OP, how can you expect to have intimacy and connection in your relationship if you're determinedly filling every moment with work and caring, and you don't make time for fun together? Managing and existing aren't enough. If you can't ever be still, then perhaps you need to learn new strategies for your mental health.

Next time, drag out a board-game or a Wii and play something together, do something where you have to interact & have a laugh.

So he asked for you to go and sit with him and you sat next to him without any physical contact, and less than an hour later, before 9pm, you go to bed alone..

This isn't sustainable!

Yikes. You sound like housemates.

We're in similar professions. We prioritise regular treats and adventures to keep us topped up with experiences and things to talk about. We have lots of in jokes, lots of opinions and love the general ridiculousness of life and people we know

He can drive me insane and we're no stranger to a good barney but it feels a more authentic relationship than my previous one which was entirely drama free but went quite stale.

"but for now I'm managing"

Want to hear a cautionary tale about where that attitude gets you?

I'm 47, when I was 33 I was a full time student, single mum, had a part time job to make ends meet. I was going through a very messy divorce and being a good student, mum, employee, friend... Pulled in a hundred different directions...

Then while sat at a crossroads/traffic lights another driver hit me from behind and shunted me into oncoming traffic, I was VERY lucky that the car heading straight for my wing reacted quickly and served hitting a bollard, the other side didn't react as quickly so I was hit twice.

VERY luckily no very serious injury (although it has left me physically disabled which wasn't picked up at the time as odd/rare occurrence)

That ONE extra stressor led to me the weekend after having a breakdown/psychosis.

Full on auditory and visual hallucinations, extremely frightening!

When the mental health crisis team came out to me, at that point I was purely blaming the car accident (and cursing the twat that thought texting was more important than watching his Fucking driving!)

But when they discussed with me my schedule that i had to manage they were aghast!

I was on the go from 5.30 am until at least 1am most days. Completely unsustainable. And I'd been doing that nearly 3 years! No support network (I was everyone else's! U want me to have ur kids for a sleepover, yea fine. Need taken to supermarket and home and help to unpack shopping? Of course. Cash up and close shop? Yea fine. Schedule meetings for uni group presentation, book a room and hire AV eqpt? Fine)

I hadn't thought I was particularly unusual but upon seeing their reactions I started discussing with friends and family (who weren't near enough to support at that time) and they too were

"Wtaf! That schedules insane!" They were right.

I'm now 47, I've never really been well again, but...I still (very foolishly and I very much regret!) didn't give myself proper time to recover and in less than 6 months after my breakdown I had graduated and was a full time working single mum with still no support network. Stupid! I "managed" to keep going for almost 3 years but had difficulties in that time which I Barely kept my head above water with meds and frankly serious overeating (I have a ton of addicts in my family so was VERY wary of going down the alcohol route and won't touch drugs).

But then I had a horrific situation at work with a nightmare boss. If I'd been my "normal" well, bolshy cow self I'd have dealt with her no problem! Instead i tried just ignoring while she kept ramping things up, then one day I woke to my alarm "talking" to me! I burst into tears, then got myself together so dd didn't see me upset, got her to breakfast club and went straight to the Drs. Didn't even make an appointment or phone ahead or anything and in front of a room full of other patients (I didn't gaf by this point) I in a strangely calm voice (that may have been what freaked them out!) said "I need to see a dr right now, I'm hearing things and I'm scared I may start seeing things" I will be eternally grateful to and never forget both the receptionist who gave me a lovely smile, put a chair right next to the reception desk and bid me sit, walked (didn't even try phone!) into one of the Gp's offices and walked out with the GP right behind her who had to remind me how to stand! And then walked me into her office and got me the help I desperately needed that day.

If it weren't for that dr I'm not entirely sure I'd still be here because even if I'd not tried something stupid I literally wasn't safe to walk around myself!

THAT is where "but for now I'm managing" gets you!

PLEASE don't let things carry on as they are, I would not wish what I went through on my worst enemy.

He's going away today for two nights. That'll be telling.

I'm starting to believe we're "just housemates."

I agree with PP's that you're going through a challenging and exhausting time - young children, a seriously ill parent, plus a demanding job. You simply don't have the energy to attend to your relationship.

But, things will change and you 'll bounce back. Our DC are older (14 & 11) and we can spend much more time as a couple now - walking the dog every evening and chatting; going out for the occasional meal; going to museums and the theatre. We also have a few hobbies of our own. The main thing is not to lose sight of who you are and what you enjoy doing together.

Just keep hanging in there and think about what you'd enjoy doing when you're less stretched.

Where is he going OP? And who with?

OP, I think your life stresses need first to be addressed although I am not sure how as it feels situational.

Do you feel better whilst on holidays? Do you ever laugh together, discuss tv, politics etc.

It's interesting that you seem very resistant to any sort of lifestyle change, and see the relationship as the problem, rather than it suffering because of lifestyle.

Do you resent him underneath it all? Do you feel like you have to shoulder the burden because he won't or is oblivious? Has he fucked up in some way that you've forgiven on the surface, but feel you can't rely on him really? Are you displacing dealing with something with all this activity?

To be honest you don’t really sound like you want to change/improve anything.

How do you feel when you think of doing all this alone? I mean, really feel? If he came home and said 'sorry, this isn't working, we need to sell the house and divorce'?

I know it's your house, but he's entitled to half of it - you'd have to sell. Move somewhere smaller. Look after the kids single handed. Does that thought fill you with thoughts of 'we;'d manage, I could go part time, etc etc' or does it fill you with dread and horror? And, most importantly, is the dread and horror the thought of only seeing him to hand over the kids (assuming he'd actually hang around to be part of their lives) and never getting to hug him again, or is it the thought of having to work around childcare?

It might tell you a lot.

It is impossible for you to know if you WOULD have hobbies because you have no time for them!!! Can you examine your workload? Unless you are an NQT or SLT, you need to stop the job destroying you. Focus on what makes an impact on students and try to minimise any other work. Teaching chews people up and spits them out. No wonder we last, on average, 7 years from qualifying. You need ENERGY to pursue hobbies. Which I agree, you need. Those kids need to see a mum who values herself in many ways. Being a grown up needs to look a tiny bit fun to them.

At ended my marriage at 8 years,we'd been together 9.We just weren't on the same page he had a hobby he was obsessed with and we did less and less together as time went on.It definitely felt like we were housemates,we didn't have sex either hadn't done for a couple of years.

This is telling... he left to go away for two nights (stag do) and I miss him. Came home from work and he'd left me some chocolate treats in the kitchen. I really miss him. Wtf it's been 12hours fgs. I ordered his bday present on Tuesday, it hasn't arrived yet. Really hoping it comes tomorrow

That's good then.

Perfectly normal, all relationships have their just live together moments and then weeks of closeness, it all comes and go's. Especially with two small kids. Make time for each other and get spark back. It's just life. Hope your dad's OK hun x

I worry that he'll be back tomorrow and we'll continue to sit in silence. Our only shared interest is the kids. He loves sport - I really couldn't give two shits. I like (rarely) going to the theatre, not his bag. He likes a drink now and again, I'm teetotal.

But this has always been the way. There's no change. Its not like things have worsened. In the same way we've always lacked physical intimacy. From day dot. So both of us entered into this with our eyes wide open.

Maybe it's just us and our "normal".

It seems like you want more and that’s good, he asked you to come over to his sofa, maybe if you’d just meant against him and had a cuddle it would break the pattern of no intimacy?

I think you should try a few little changes like that and see how you feel

Fairly similar this end. Together for 11 years, married for 8, kids are 6 and 4.
We do love each other and get on but our only shared interest really is the kids.
Someone once said to me that having kids is "running a crèche with someone you used to fancy" which definitely resonates.

We don't argue very much other than what to watch on tv. And never agree so sit on the sofa one of us watching tv and the other using a tablet/phone.

I think that kids plus work really is almost all consuming. I hope things will get better. We probably manage a "date night" 3 or 4 times a year and do enjoy them.

I don't think it's your relationship that's the problem it sounds like you like each other and get on well.

To me your life (individually) sounds boring. What do you do? What excites you? What are your passions?

Looking after the kids, looking at your tablet and watching the TV is not a life.

Aw that's good that you're missing him op. I think the fact that he goes to bed so much later than you is probably a problem. When you go to bed, do you go straight to sleep or do you watch TV for a while first? Is there any compromise of you staying up a bit later, or him going up a bit earlier? I think you need to have a chat with him and get him onboard with you.

Sorry to hear about your dad, I think you probably need your dhs support more than ever now, which may be why you are feeling the distance so keenly at the moment

DH and I have been together 10 years, have kids, I'm a sahm and we both have different education related activities going on but we always try and make time for each other. We get a babysitter every so often (try sitters if you're stuck) and go for dinner or for a night out. Once we get the kids to bed, we generally try and spend at least half an hour chatting (doesn't happen every night), and then go to bed and watch TV together for a while (though I tend to chat through that too ). I think having hobbies/activities/friends outside of the relationship really helps too.

Good luck with it op, sounds like you need to work at it, but it is salvageable.

Op are you actually me?