8 years in, is this normal?

[minesadecaf]

Dh and I are 38 and 31 respectively. Both work full time and have two kids. Been together 8 years.

Is it normal for the relationship to become boring? Just blah. We seem to co-exist but not much more. No specific reason other than I think we've been together a longtime.

He goes to football regularly and sees mates. Doesn't bother me; I quite like the time alone. I on the other hand have no real hobbies or interests. I'm a homebod and fine with that. Interests wise, our only common ground is the kids really but hey, opposites attract etc.

In the past year we've been out once just the two of us. We went for a meal which was nice but neither seem fussed about doing anything alone more regularly. I'm a saver and don't see the need to go out and spend for the sake of it.

I'm rambling but I guess I just wanted to see if anyone else can normalise this. Or is everyone else riding unicorns together to the tune of Marvin Gaye still?

I wonder if both of you are just sat there waiting for each other to break the deadlock.

You said you were agonising over sitting with him and when he invited you over you sat on the same sofa with no contact. I have to say, if I invited DP to sit with me and he didn't come in for a cuddle I'd be a bit disappointed and possibly a bit deliberate, could that be what is going through your DH's mind?

It sounds like you do care for him and miss him when he isn't there so you need to put the work in together to work this out. I'm a big advocate of some open and honest talking.

I can't offer advice on what's normal but I do know if I won the lottery I'd gladly half it to facilitate us splitting up. We've had 2 nights out in 18 months. Very rarely even converse. I feel very lonely in this relationship

Thanks for everyone's input and suggestions. Sunday was his birthday and the four of us went for a meal. It was good fun. Whilst the kids went to the loo he took my hand across the table and told me how much he'd missed me during his weekend away which was lovely to hear. We got home and the kids did daddy bday pressies and cake etc. The past few mornings, we've set our alarm for half an hour earlier and we've just laid snuggled up chatting. I love this the most; we both go to bed at different times which is our routine but starting to have morning us time is so far so good. It's our anniversary in a couple of weeks and I'm going to suggest us getting a sitter and having a couple of hours out just the two of us. It's going to take a little while to completely relight the fire but I think we'll get there.

That's a really lovely update and shows the love IS there you're just stuck at the moment.

Try and build on that and find things you like to do together (doesn't have to be something couple-y or even grown up!) I'm sure mners will be happy to help you find ideas.

From the simple (cinema) to the seemingly boring but can be fun in the right company (bowling?) to the silly (escape room, go karting?)

With or without the kids

Ah that’s lovely to hear! Setting your alarm for a cuddle is a great idea - sometimes you need to make it into a routine to make sure it happens! Hope you have a lovely anniversary celebration

I'm so pleased for you op!

I could have written your posts a couple of months ago. It really doesn't take much to reignite your love if you're with the right person.

Life isn't about all the big things, it's made up of tiny moments:

• a hand hold
• looking in to each other's eyes
• a small thoughtful gift
• a nice meal out
• cuddling and chatting in bed (I'm so jealous, that sounds really lovely!)
• any other thing where you remember why you love each other

Well that flurry didn't last. We love each other but I'd say like siblings. Due to other family issues we spend no time just us. The past few nights he's slept in the spare room as he's been coughing a lot but tbh it's been quite nice, though I haven't told him that! I know what you're all going to say and you're probably right but I've got a lot of thinking to do.

I don’t think it’s normal I think it sounds utterly depressing
I’ve been married 20 years and pretty much from the start we would always be doing stuff going out enjoying ourselves . We both have our own interests and don’t mind being on our own sometimes I often go on holidays with my friends
But we always always have a laugh and joke with each other

But generally every month or so we go away for a night stay in a nice hotel and go out for something to eat and then out to a club and have a great night out. We follow a few of our favourite DJs so will try to go where they are playing . And as it’s an older crowd generally over 30s we don’t feel like we are going out with young kids 😂😂

But it’s the same sort of stuff we did when we first got together and it reminds us why we are still together I think .Getting dressed up and looking nice and going out it’s like we are dating again and remember why we love each other

Granted our kids are all grown up and we have plenty of time and money to do this .
But even so just sitting in and doing nothing would be completely depressing .

@Itsjustmee I don't think you can compare as you're kids are older and you have "plenty of time and money" neither of which we have.

Ok. I have been with my dp for 15 years and I’m
34. I would describe our relationship as very comfortable. We are always there for each other and being parents, running a house and working does sometimes get in the way of us. We have sex 3/4 times a week, cuddle in the evenings once little ones asleep. Take turns with lay ins on weekend to give each other a break. We don’t have much money so we just go for walks, have a movie night with cheap takeaway. I’m always happy when he comes home from work and I always miss him when he’s not around. We are both homely types, same music tastes and I can’t see myself with anyone else.

It’s very the norm and especially with a family imo, sad but true although it’s not the case for all but most long term relationships with kids then yes it’s boring and it’s why I’ll never marry and have more kids, I’d have affairs because I know myself.

That sounds really sad, like, you both want to be close and cherish each other but only are in each other’s presence for a couple of hours each day and don’t really bother with each other. Do you need to work so much? Can you do a job share or substitute teacher or something? That’s no life No hobbies, no love, no friends, just work and sleep.

@minesadecaf i've been with my husband just over 6 years (2.5 years married). we have one DD who is just over 2 and currently pregnant. i've slept alone for weeks. i'm on the sofa. i'm extremely lonely. he's a nice guy ( good to have as a friend) but there's no intimacy or sex at all. even the pregnancies happened with outside help ivf 😢. i am very affectionate and enjoy sex. i have what he or an outsider might call high sex drive. he on the other hand has zero. at the start of us dating we had sex regularly i think probably always initiated by me. i don't recall him ever pounding on me uninvited. i initially thought that's ok i'm sure he's just a little oblivious. the sex act will end with his orgasm but he wouldn't bother asking if i did or if i wanted to i.e start again or continue 😢😢😢 i tolerated this because he was kind caring ticked all the other boxes for a future. i was mid 30 or a serious mission to find a husband because i wanted to have a baby or two.

anyway fast forward 2 years i had already expressed i'm not fulfilled sexually and tried strategies to get him more aroused ( dress up lots of flirting etc) he's just the same. in arguments i'd ask him if there's a problem or if he's gay! he would get so upset and offended. he basically kept saying he has low sex drive and always had.

pre kids during a sunny beach holiday we probably had sex once and i had lots of guilt because i was just toying with the idea of just ending the relationship purely because of the sex element. i could not feel fulfilled or loved without it. shockingly he had planned to propose to me on this holiday and did with a beautiful ring and i obviously said yes. sex was the only crap part of the relationship otherwise he was romantic caring generous and i've had amazing sexlife with ex bfs that were complete assholes and no way i would marry them.

i thought its vain to breakup purely because i want more sex- for some reason i thought we can work on this 🙄🙄🙄

4 years engaged and married and its shit. i nag him about the same topic everytime. the sex was non existing since i got pregnant first time ( i only got pregnant with ivf) i knew there was hardly any sex and there was no way i'd get pregnant naturally with this guy so instead of arguing about it i just convinced him it's best to go for ivf instead of wasting time trying as i was almost 38. he wasn't offended or upset he's just happy go lucky type of guy. it drove me crazy. i would have been upset but he wasn't. i was honestly miserable i really do associate love with sex ( always have) but i didn't leave him because i thought he's a good guy and i stayed in relationships b4 with nasty guys which was pointless.

i guess i felt u could not have it all. never had good sex with a " marriage material" type of man before so i still feel u can't have it all.

after lots of arguing and me saying i'm unhappy i convinced him to go for counselling and he dragged me along. 4 months now and all we do in counselling is moan that i'm unhappy unloved etc and he's controlled criticised fed up. i was getting even more anxious because i wanted another baby and it's not possible if we r not having regular sex! again paying for 3 cycles of ivf! i felt it was such a waste of money and shambles to go for treatment when there's probably nothing wrong with us.

now i'm pregnant and should be happy - i'm not really cos i feel like a single person who got a sperm donor.

i know he would happily get back to the old ways of cohabiting / holidaying and looking like the perfect couple with the occasional sex and be non the wiser if i start sleeping in his bed again and pretend sex wasn't important for me!

funnily i have previously cheated on every bf i had for one reason or another- i never cheated on him ! i feel loyal and like it's against my principles because we r married.

despite everything i fully respect him - he is truly a good guy and has stood by me in difficult situations and whenever i'm ill etc

so we r in a loyal but sexless/ loveless marriage and i wish i'm dead everyday 🙄🙄 absolutely no pleasure in my life at the mo except time i spend with my DD. i know i'm depressed and anxious as a result but have no idea where to go with this now.

does your marriage sound better than mine?

I think what you describe is pretty normal for a lot of couples with young children. Obviously there will be the other side of this as you are reading on here but there will be many like you too. Don’t think it isn’t normal just because someone tells you how exciting their life is.

I think relationships ebb and flow OP. We have been married for 14 years, together 16. We have times when our relationship is more "full on" and other times when we just tick along nicely ("boring"). I think you do still need some times when the spark is reignited though and I don't just mean sex, I mean laughing together, going on a "date" just the two of you or spending time together trying something new.

Update if anyone's interested: a few weeks ago he said he was sad that I didn't initiate anything - not just sex but any intimacy which is a fair point so I've really tried to make an effort. I went in for a proper kiss rather than a peck and I'm gutted that I felt nothing. No butterfly swirls, no excitement, nothing. The spark has just gone. I know what it's like to get those feelings though. I had it with my ex many moons ago where it really was the Hollywood movie, we were so so in love but the relationship had to end as his work took him to the states. We're still in touch and he's also married now with a kid. I'm digressing but I'm just trying to say that I just don't feel the same way about my own husband. Or is that normal after years together? Do the butterflies die?

Our sex life remains non existent (once a month perhaps) but as per my op, it's always been that way so my husband knows no different iykwim.

My fathers been really ill but I hope he's slowly beginning to turn a corner so that should be one thing less to stress over for me (touching all the wood). However in the next few weeks we're starting a large building project which will be a new stress layer.

We just seem to be coparenting housemates. I want things to improve but I just don't know how. I feel like we need a treat somehow. We never buy each other xmas presents as we share a bank account so it's pointless; if we want something we just buy it.

We've been to some social events together recently and it's been fun but obviously that's being surrounded by friends.

It's last chance saloon. I don't want to split but nor do I know how to fix it.

Mentioning this because you live in SW London:
I live in a Victorian terrace and lots of kids locally went to the same Primary. When I first moved here I suggested babysit swaps and a whole group of us did it for years and years. They're neighbours rather than friends but everyone jumped at the chance of an evening out without the stress of finding and paying for a babysitter and making sure they got home safe. I must have babysat in at least 6 houses in the terrace. No money ever changed hands and it also grew into feeding each other's cats.
I honestly don't think anyone would have suggested it if I hadn't.

Sorry to read this OP.

Nothing changes if nothing changes, so what would you advise a friend to do if she were in this situation?

How would you feel if you saw him holding hands with another woman? Genuinely not trying to scare you, it’s a question that needs answering and the answer will be indicative as to how you feel.

Hoping you are ok this evening.

You do sound a bit down, but it sounds like there still is something between you and your DH. I'm glad there've been a few promising signs.

Glad if your dad seems a bit better.

I do know what teaching is like, but could you somehow cut your hours a little? And/or maybe hire a carer to help with family?

As to not having money, I know teachers moan about their salary, but honestly it's good money compared to a lot of people, and presumably your DH works too?

What @Itsjustmee describes wouldn't cost a massive amount, as it's only once a month or so.

Also a babysitting circle like a PP describes might be a good idea.

But when it comes down to it, you have to care enough about getting a particular outcome in order to make the effort to try things. If you don't feel motivated, it possibly tells you all you need to know.

Stress and overwork etc can play a big part though, especially with what's been happening with your dad. It might be worth finding the time to see a therapist and discuss possible solutions/let off steam.

And here we are again. I can't deal with this. I know relationships ebb and flow, peak and trough but I can't cope with it. General pattern is we're ok for maybe a couple of months then back to housemates effectively.