Is my DH creepy?

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We haven't had sex for 6 months. He barely touches me but after a few drinks he says things like " how much to get your tits out " which I normally just brush aside.

Last night the joke was wearing thin so I just said I really find it creepy and odd when you speak about me like that.

He was obviously in a mood and went to bed alone. I can take a joke but saying why don't you get naked is the worst come on I can think of.

He was like it the night before so I said maybe we just start with a kiss and a cuddle? For context we don't kiss now either. How can you go from nothing to just stripping naked. It seems crazy and feels cheap. If I criticise then he goes in a mood. There is a tension today but I honestly don't know how to talk to him and make him understand that sex starts before the bedroom with kindness and respect.

I do still have a sex drive so it's not me, it's just this awful situation. Any help would really be appreciated. I now feel edgy around him and like he's going to say some inappropriate comment or lunge at me.

Why are you still with him? I'm sorry to be horrible but this relationship is over. He talks to you like that because he neither loves nor respects you. But as you are (still!) in his presence he sees you as something to get a cheap sexual thrill out of. You can spend years trying to 'fix' this, or you can realise that you are so much better than this and leave.

It doesn't sound good does it.
In fact the whole situation sounds horrible. Surely you'd be happier on your own than sitting through this type of attitude and behaviour?

I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who can be that much of an arse either. When you say you don't have sex, why did you stop? Just it seems this is the symptom of other issues in the relationship. How are things otherwise?

He said our relationship was a sham tonight. He said that because he thinks I'm having sex with other people as I said I still have a sex drive. I said that to show him I still wanted to try at the marriage, but that the way he speaks to me stops the idea of sex for me.

If he doesn't want to be with me why not say? He seems to just blame me for everything, I've tried so hard. I don't know why he can't take my feelings on board in any way whatsoever. If he can't then there is no future. I can hear him snoring now, straight to sleep with no concerns.

There are several things you've described here that sound like coercive control.

This might help you figure things out: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

He likes feeling powerful over you. That's why he's not interested in ending the relationship.

I think the only remotely positive thing here is that you are questioning this. The initial ‘chat up’ line was grim, but as this progresses, it’s really sad. You are worth much more than this. It’s your life but whatever else you do, please believe you are worth so much more. It’s not just creepy, it’s cruel and abusive.

But OP if he was a nice guy he would tell you it’s over. And he doesn’t... He treats you like shit even though you ‘try so hard’. He can make crude sexual remarks to you, put you down and feel powerful over you. And you stay. And I assume make his life’s better by cooking, cleaning, contributing? He isn’t leaving because he’s an arse and you are giving him everything he wants. He is getting a kick out of abusing you. A disgusting sexual kick. And you are letting him. I really hope you see what’s happening and get very fucking angry.

I can see what's happening but I can't believe this is the man I married. Why would he want to do this. He is angry that I don't have sex with him but I his behaviour makes it impossible. Also everyone thinks he's super nice whereas I come across as quiet and a bit frazzled I guess. He's best friends with all the neighbours and even better friends with one of my friends than I am now! Nobody will believe he is like this.

He's clearly abusive, it becomes clearer with each post.

signs of emotional abuse
subtle sexual abuse
the abuser profiles

Please do some reading and get some real life support. Call Womens Aid, talk to your GP, a trusted friend. And get counselling for yourself but not with him - it's not recommended with an abuser.

My ex was exactly like this. Wouldn't be affectionate and then say something similarly hideous. It made my skin crawl. All the women he worked with thought he was wonderful yet he spoke to me like a piece of shit. Was always gaslighting me yet when I spoke to a friend it made me realise that it was all him but when he said certain things to me it seemed like I was on the wrong! You need to talk to someone in rl that you trust OP to get perspective on this. He sounds horrible. You deserve better.

Your true friends will believe you OP.

I've been messaging a good friend and she has been lovely.

He had got up today in silence and obviously no word of apology from him. He's obviously in a bad mood though.

I'm going to suggest we go go counselling. I would an outsiders view point on the way things are between us.

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic, at the OP's request.

He sounds gross OP.

Op do you have children and are your married? Moving forward i would suggest thinking about how you feel about your relationship and what you want for your future.

Yes we are married with children. I have read about coercive control since it was mentioned up the thread by a kind poster. It has really rang a few bells and made me realise that things are actually worse than I ever thought.

He wants to have absolute power and control over you. His behaviour towards you is abusive and cruel.

Do not go to counselling with this individual, it is never recommended where abuse is present. You need to have counselling on your own.
Do consider having a chat also with Womens Aid.

Children are perceptive and they can pick up on all the vibes.

Your children cannot and must not grow up seeing this example of a marriage as being their norm too. This is no legacy to leave them.

This shows a complete lack of respect for you. What an arse.

He does sound abusive. You could speak to Women's Aid for advice and support.

And what atilla said about joint counselling ^.

It's a very bad idea to have relationship counselling with an abuser.

You're being believed on here.

Re your comment on him being friends with the neighbours etc.

Abusive people can appear to be quite plausible to those in the outside world. It is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

What are you getting out of this relationship?. What is keeping you with such a man?. Is it fear of him, fear of the unknown?. These and many other reasons keep people within abusive relationships.

It's the needs of my children, If I can't keep the house then it will be really difficult. I don't want to go into specifics as it's outing. He's just ignoring me today. There is no talking to him.