WWYD? Honest opinions!

[Imtrying2]

Ok this may be long so bare with...
Me and H have been together 17 years, married 8 years 2 beautiful boys. We were teenage sweethearts, and I loved him so much. He was sweet in the sense of he would send me flowers, we’d go on dates, make a huge effort for birthdays (with help from my mum) you get the idea. 12 years ago we bought a house, our first house together, very excited, couple of months in the house he proposed. 4 years later we married. Since we’ve been married it was like he didn’t need to make the effort anymore. Everything took a nose dive really, even to the point where he just didn’t bother with my birthdays at all, not even a card, and at least 2 years in a row broke my heart by not even muttering the words happy birthday to me. That hurt. He always said it wouldn’t happen again but it did. Add to this, my mum and step dad paid for a lovely honeymoon to the Lake District for us because they knew we couldn’t afford one ourselves. I was over the moon with it, so grateful and he made out like he was. We got there first day and everything was great lovely place. Until the night (let me just throw in now that he smokes weed, didn’t take any with us and relies on it for sleep otherwise he cant) his mood changed, he was cranky, didn’t want to do anything, then early hours as I was trying to go to sleep he said he wanted to go home, that he thought it was boring and that we’d be bored out of a our brains. I spent the whole night sobbing, thinking how much my mum would be upset etc. Eventually I gave in, I’d have rather go home than stay there miserable for another 4 days. I was gutted. So was my mum. But tried to make out as if I didn’t like it either so he didn’t look as bad. I forgave him for this.

When I was pregnant with DS2 I ended up having to decorate his room by myself heavily pregnant cos he just sat around saying there was no rush, to me there was. This resulted in him falling out with my mum for 4 years cos she wasn’t happy with how he was being.

When our babies came along he wasn’t the best dad, he didn’t do nappy changes, feeds etc he helped make and sterilise bottles but that was about it. Even when our 2nd DS was a nightmare baby who screamed solidly for 5 months he would never take over from me to give me a break.

Team all that with him never wanting to do anything as a family, hating and ruining our first family holiday and not wanting to take our son to his football training( H loves football) things like u can build an idea of what sort of dad he is.

So the last few years I’ve been in and off with depression, and I’ve always put it down to all of that, never feeling loved and appreciated. When I’m depressed I turn to food and that’s led me to gain a lot of weight over the last couple of years. Obviously I get upset with myself about this, and then other things get on top of me and I have a bit of a rant about life in general. Rewind back to January and one day I did this, I had a rant cos I was feeling down about myself and hated myself, couldn’t lose weight, thought I was shit at my job etc. Instead of getting support I get a complete meltdown from him, he can’t help me it’s all his fault I’m this way blah blah and the short of it is we are still here trying to work something out now.

9 months of hell, deciding wether to stay or go cos I can’t take anymore and I still can’t seem to fully make the decision. Every time I say I’m leaving he tried to talk me out of it, saying he’s changing his attitude and we can work it out. The truth is I’m not sure I can put all of it behind me and move on, I don’t think I ever got over how he treated me, it still makes me angry. I feel like if I stay it’ll end up happening again at some point cos a leopard never changes its spots! He wants a lazy laid back life not doing anything, I want to go out with the kids and live before they grow up. But something is stopping me. I just don’t know what. I don’t even know if I love him anymore, I can’t even work that out. My brains fried 🤯

What would you do if you were me?

One thing you could do is to write two lists - one of all the things he's done and one of all the things he says. Then compare them.

Your children only have one childhood.

Talk to your Mum or friends in RL. They will already know what is going on. They will have seen how he is disengaged from family life and how your happiness and sense of self has deteriorated. They will be delighted to help you through I am sure.

I’d have left him after the first night of the honeymoon - what an ungrateful dick. What does he bring to your life or your children’s lives? Nothing, by the sound of it.

Lead the relationship. Is there any reason that it's you that would move out?

My exh was much like yours. Divorce was amazing. My own boss at home. Every other weekend off. No dead weight to pay for. Half the holidays off - a chance to do some stuff for myself. Really brilliant.

Don't hesitate. But go and get some legal advice and get a little bit ahead of the game before you tell him.

I'd want to go to him once I'd got a plan and I'd disengaged a bit. So it was less emotional and you're less likely to be pulled back in.

Good luck and enjoy a weight free life.

Thank you all for your advice.

@Clareisland thank you, I’ve never had it pointed out to me like that before and it made so much sense so thank you.

I’m trying to tell him but he just keeps arguing it with me, even though he continuously says he won’t stand in my way if I do decide to go

Don’t waste your breath arguing with him about it. Just pack up you and the kids and go. Free yourself of the deadweight. Your family and friends will there to help. Especially your mum, if she’s already wise to his ways.

Tell him to leave, why should your DC be uprooted. He’s draining the life out of you.
Have that happy life you want for you and your DC; days out, holidays.

In all the time he's known you, he's never given you reason to think he will change. That's your answer right there. You deserve better than this.

You say he wants an easy life, but so do you. You’re so passive, it’s infuriating.

You had no money to go on honeymoon, yet he’s been paying to smoke weed every day.

He very quickly demonstrated that he was a shit father with your first child, so you had another with him.

It’s like you’re sleep-walking in to this miserable life and dragging your children through it with you.

Actions now not words.

His arguing is just contemptuous and controlling to keep you tangled up in a web of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) so that all of his needs continue to be met. Life for him is just how he wants it. Life for your children is not how they need it.

Choose to emotionally detach from him in your head. Don’t engage - you don’t have to tell him that you have made any decisions or plans. Use this freed up emotional energy and headspace to plan a light, bright, productive future for you and your children.

There you will all find your joy.

I would not leave, I would kick him out and keep the home for your children. He does not sound like he is able to change, and if he does do a few nice things you will feel he is only acting. It does not sound like this is a person that you can be happy with.

I feel for you OP as I went through this 'indecision' for years!! I think you will know when the time is right to go. I also think you know deep down its what you need to do but you need to build up that strength to do it.
YOu know he won't change and things will stay the same. Please don't waste any more years of your life being unhappy and letting this man treat you like this. I went through YEARS of wanting to leave but not having the guts. Finding excuses not to and just generally being scared. It reached breaking point for me and I just had to. I've never looked back.
I hope that day comes sooner rather than later.

Sounds similar to my ex who was a stoner. No interest in doing anything. My advice is run. Your kids deserve to be out and about doing things, they're only young for so long. You'll regret not taking them on holiday. I doubt you'll miss him either once you get into the swing of things. I didn't have kids with my ex, but shortly after him I met my DP who is wonderful, the best dad to our DS and so up for family holidays, adventures etc. You deserve better. Good luck.

How are you feeling Imtrying2 ?

Hope all is well today @Imtrying2

says nothing will Improve until I actually make a decision and we move on from it.

I would take this as a sign that the decision I need to take is to get rid of him. Protect yourself from any more of his terrible behaviour. When you are not longer at the mercy of his s&£t behaviour you might be able to forgive yourself for putting up with him for so long.

And then move on with your life. I'm pretty certain that your depression will lift then, too.

Enjoy the rest of your life with your lovely DC

Ironically his only chance of evolving into half decent dad for your DC is with the shock of separation. This could be his rock bottom where he turns his life around. That would be a real bonus for your DCs even if you remained separated. Don’t fall for any promises or declarations that he has kicked husband habit until you have seen proof that he has been clear for at least a year.

I can't believe you are only now starting to consider your options! Where were you all these years ago after he ruined your honeymoon?

Did you really not see ANY signs before marriage? You were with him for years before you got married and you say he was great until the honeymoon. Surely there were signs? I'm so sorry.

double addiction is a progressive disease. In the early days the “habit” might have been milder, might have been what all of their teenager and early 20’s contemporaries were doing - might even have been less. When life is easy (no kids) and exciting (first home, wedding, babies) some behaviours get overlooked (or denial). And even if there are concerns there is always hope that they will change and next comes FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

All the while non addicts adapt their intake of alcohol and drugs to accommodate life’s increasing responsibilities - but the addicts don’t and their habit and behaviour has an increasingly negative impact on those around them until it reaches breaking point which is where the OP is right now.

The OP will likely conclude in her own time that even with the best of intentions she tried far too hard for far too long.

Leave.
He's not a good partner and he is badly affecting your mental health. You only have one life OP and this is never going to make you happy

What was his upbringing like?

@CIareIsland he was given up by his mother at 3 years old as she was married to a violent man ( not his biological dad) who didn’t want him around because he wasn’t his, they had a son together who incidentally turned out to be a waste of space. His grandparents sought sole guardianship of him and so he’s been brought up by them. They’re very traditional people so he’s had a better upbringing than he would have had no doubt, but I think they also spoiled him because of his circumstances in early life (this man used to hit him and threaten to kill him) so his grandmother felt like she just wanted to protect him more I guess. He still sees his biological mum from time to time but she won’t tell him who his biological dad is, when he asked her as a teenager she said ‘I’ll tell u when you’re 18” he’s 33 now and still doesn’t know. He hates her. So I do think there are MH issues as a result of his past although he refuses to acknowledge this and says none of it affects him.