WWYD? Honest opinions!

[Imtrying2]

Ok this may be long so bare with...
Me and H have been together 17 years, married 8 years 2 beautiful boys. We were teenage sweethearts, and I loved him so much. He was sweet in the sense of he would send me flowers, we’d go on dates, make a huge effort for birthdays (with help from my mum) you get the idea. 12 years ago we bought a house, our first house together, very excited, couple of months in the house he proposed. 4 years later we married. Since we’ve been married it was like he didn’t need to make the effort anymore. Everything took a nose dive really, even to the point where he just didn’t bother with my birthdays at all, not even a card, and at least 2 years in a row broke my heart by not even muttering the words happy birthday to me. That hurt. He always said it wouldn’t happen again but it did. Add to this, my mum and step dad paid for a lovely honeymoon to the Lake District for us because they knew we couldn’t afford one ourselves. I was over the moon with it, so grateful and he made out like he was. We got there first day and everything was great lovely place. Until the night (let me just throw in now that he smokes weed, didn’t take any with us and relies on it for sleep otherwise he cant) his mood changed, he was cranky, didn’t want to do anything, then early hours as I was trying to go to sleep he said he wanted to go home, that he thought it was boring and that we’d be bored out of a our brains. I spent the whole night sobbing, thinking how much my mum would be upset etc. Eventually I gave in, I’d have rather go home than stay there miserable for another 4 days. I was gutted. So was my mum. But tried to make out as if I didn’t like it either so he didn’t look as bad. I forgave him for this.

When I was pregnant with DS2 I ended up having to decorate his room by myself heavily pregnant cos he just sat around saying there was no rush, to me there was. This resulted in him falling out with my mum for 4 years cos she wasn’t happy with how he was being.

When our babies came along he wasn’t the best dad, he didn’t do nappy changes, feeds etc he helped make and sterilise bottles but that was about it. Even when our 2nd DS was a nightmare baby who screamed solidly for 5 months he would never take over from me to give me a break.

Team all that with him never wanting to do anything as a family, hating and ruining our first family holiday and not wanting to take our son to his football training( H loves football) things like u can build an idea of what sort of dad he is.

So the last few years I’ve been in and off with depression, and I’ve always put it down to all of that, never feeling loved and appreciated. When I’m depressed I turn to food and that’s led me to gain a lot of weight over the last couple of years. Obviously I get upset with myself about this, and then other things get on top of me and I have a bit of a rant about life in general. Rewind back to January and one day I did this, I had a rant cos I was feeling down about myself and hated myself, couldn’t lose weight, thought I was shit at my job etc. Instead of getting support I get a complete meltdown from him, he can’t help me it’s all his fault I’m this way blah blah and the short of it is we are still here trying to work something out now.

9 months of hell, deciding wether to stay or go cos I can’t take anymore and I still can’t seem to fully make the decision. Every time I say I’m leaving he tried to talk me out of it, saying he’s changing his attitude and we can work it out. The truth is I’m not sure I can put all of it behind me and move on, I don’t think I ever got over how he treated me, it still makes me angry. I feel like if I stay it’ll end up happening again at some point cos a leopard never changes its spots! He wants a lazy laid back life not doing anything, I want to go out with the kids and live before they grow up. But something is stopping me. I just don’t know what. I don’t even know if I love him anymore, I can’t even work that out. My brains fried 🤯

What would you do if you were me?

i would leave long time ago.
this will make you ill more. dont listen to him. you listened enough.
staying wont be good for your kids either. what a role model he is. he will never change.

whats stopping you is fear of being alone. but you will see you will have a lot much happier life with your kids.

Words without meanings are just noises....

Me personally if he was making changes (big changes) but I was still finding it hard to forget and move on I would probably move out or ask him to move out have a big chat and be honest about how I'm feeling and if he really does seem to get it tell him I'm willing to see how it goes living separate you be surprised how many men make the effort and will really question themselves when things actually happen and see how that goes going back to him actually having to make the effort to see you speak to you (set days and times a week for him to spend time with the boys alone see how that goes and set say one day a month doing something as a family, I would t set a date night etc between you two I'd leave that to him to arrange)
if he is not making the effort with you or the boys or doesn't care how your feeling it would be the end of the marriage for me

Not really, but he blames that on the state we’re in at the moment and says nothing will Improve until I actually make a decision and we move on from it. A couple
Of months ago he decided to stop smoking weed, cos he thought that would save us, he knows I hate it and all I do is inform him of what that stuff has turned him into. But that lasted a week and he blamed going back to it because of what we were going through, he reckons he’ll quit one day but doesn’t know when and his ‘eyes have been opened to the realisation he can probably quit’.
I just know that even if I did give it a go, whenever we go out anywhere as a family I won’t enjoy it cos I’ll be waiting for him to spoil it by going in a mood or I’ll just constantly think ‘he’s hating this’. I’ll never be able to book a holiday for the same reason. I don’t think I’ll ever get past that.

Just go.... you’ve been miserable carrying his load for so long! He won’t change! Imagine how much lighter your load will be without it all!

He says he will change, but then doesn't show any signs of doing so. If he is being serious, tell him the only way that you won't leave is if he starts putting the kids first, and goes to family counselling with you. If you do that, you have a chance to work through your issues. Otherwise, there's just no future in this at all, and that is such a shame. I'm sorry.

OP, my parents' 18-year marriage was one big set of cycles: DM would get really miserable, finally she'd threaten to leave, DF would talk her out of it and clean up his act for a bit, and 4 to 6 months later, rinse and repeat. If you think that sounds like you and you need confidence to leave, consider that you're currently using your mental strength, over and over, to carry on in a bad situation. You could use it just once, channeling it all into recovery and moving forward.

OP - don't be afraid. My partner checked out half-way through our 20yr relationship - it was different to yours, more insidious I suppose. But 2.5 years down the line from the break-up, which I admit was hell and I didn't really want (at the time) I now see we should have broken up years ago. Fear (and selfishness on his part) stopped both of us. So don't be afraid - recognise that you have been acclimatised to this miserable status quo, but it isn't the 'truth' - don't torture yourself with the 'sunken investment' myth - there is no pay-off at the end of a long relationship unless you have BOTH been investing.

You will need to find courage, but now is the time to love yourself and be your own hero. Get out and breathe. This man is taking his self-hatred and misery out on you - this is not love.

He sounds like a selfish, entitled, disrespectful druggy and I wouldn’t spend another day with the loser.
Sorry.

Kick him and his fucking weed out.

Leave him. Life is too short to put up with all that crap.

Leave.

He is a poor father and husband and a drug addict.

Let him ask for more chances, say no and ignore the inevitable claims you “threw away the marriage”.

The longer you stay the more you are prolonging it and you will only look back and wish you’d done it sooner.

I also predict your depression will no doubt miraculously resolve itself when you rid yourself of this dead weight.

Good luck

You say it yourself, he wants an easy life.
You staying with him is the easy, convenient option for him.
Don't be his easy option any more.

Oh, and the meltdown part when he said it was your fault was a shitty thing to do. He is the one who is not making an effort.
I know it may sound secondary to the rest, but it is actually connected so I will give you my opinion on the weight gain and relationship with food... Go easy on yourself. Don't feel guilty, don't feel like a failure about it. I am myself only starting to realise that we are meant to find comfort in food and that berating ourselves for it just feeds the vicious circle.
Plus, once you sort out the marriage, the way you eat will change.

He sounds like a weed smoking, deadbeat dad. Leave now before your kids get older.

Absolute waster.

Your marriage was over in the Lake District.

He showed you EXACTLY who he was that night.

How many more years are you going to spend with this druggie?

If that's how the situation is and you really have spoken to him about everything and he isn't changing anything just all talk and half flippant trying things then it's up to you to decide if your willing to live how he wants to live or not, surly your not still hoping he will wake up one day and decide he going to change completely that isn't a option that isn't going to ever happen your options are keep doing what you've been doing your whole marriage arguing over things and holding resentment, or decide to stay and live how he wants to live and make the best of it or call it a day and live your life how you want without him spoiling everything and maybe one day find a relationship that gives you what you want from it, nobody can tell you what to do but here's the facts there's two of you in this marriage there's two parents to these boys your making all the effort and staying in a relationship you aren't happy in while he's saying one thing but doing another you both want different things out of life, both want different things from the relationship and how you parent your children and both of you blame the other for everything by the sound of it and you are not happy living as you are now (as I have said me personally I couldn't commit myself and my life to someone like him he sounds very selfish I'd be leaving him to live his life as he wants and living mine how I want and id never look back)

Start getting your ducks in a row, get paperwork, see a solicitor and get out of this marriage.

If he wanted to change his behaviour he would have, do you see how often you have written he blames you for things? This is not the life you wanted so why are you still in it?

You do realise that there are plenty of really decent, caring, kind and thoughtful men out there who would treat you with respect, appreciate you, love and cherish you? By staying you are preventing yourself from feeling good about yourself, either single or possibly in a new relationship.

Dh and I have been married for 20 years, he shows me daily how much he loves me, small gestures that show someone that you care. That is what you are missing.

Put aside everything he says and look at his actions; words lie, actions tell the truth.

What do his actions tell you? Do they tell he has made meaningful and sustained change? Do they tell you that you feel valued now? Or do they tell you that he is actually waiting for you to change instead - for you to give in and go back to how it was?

He is a terrible father and husband. You deserve better. He’s telling you who he is in ever action. Believe his actions.

My XH kept me going with promises of change for five years. It never came. Don’t waste more time on him than you already have. I wish I had those five years back (and the rest), but I am so glad that I finally left when I did. Best decision I ever made.

Sounds like you need to end it, he will always blame you on any issues if you stay and you will always be walking on eggshells anyway...

I would leave if I were you. The only good things you have to say about him are from when he was a teenager. People change a lot when they become adults.

He is responsible for your depression. You need to consider how your depression and weight gain will be negatively affecting your children.

leave. life is too short. he sounds like hes checked out.

give yourself permission to leave and get some real life support

Currently your DCs are in a grim situation which neither parent fully emotionally present. This will do them significant long term harm.

Their “D”F is an addict which means he is totally selfish consumed with his habit. He has been a neglectful husband and father. His long term weed habit is having a deteriorating impact on his MH and ability to relate to his children and engage in family life. Your DCs can see and feel this. They will know that he doesn’t think they are worthy of his time, care, effort, love.

Because of this their DM is carrying the mental, emotional and physical load of 2 parents alone. She is also worried about him and what to do next. This leaves her exhausted, frustrated, unfulfilled and depressed. He is draining you. He has eroded your MH. This also takes away from your DCs as you don’t have enough emotional resources left to give them your best.

Even if he gave up his weed, the long term nature of his habit will have done permanent negative changes to his brain and personality.

Please look to your DC. Decide that they need a better life than this. He will never deliver and he presence is severely impacting your ability to give them the best.

Your depression is because you live with an addict. Your natural gut reaction of anger, regret and contempt is correct. He has let you all down.

If you send this deadweight drain packing, your energy will return, your depression lift and your children will flourish. They need this opportunity to turn around the damage that has already been done.

OP, have you heard of the sunk costs fallacy, where people stay with a useless partner simply because they've already spent so much time with them?

You have one life. You can either spend it with this waste of space or you can give yourself the chance to have a new life without him.

Be aware that this kind of man will quickly latch on to someone else but before long her life will resemble the one you're living now, so don't waste time being jealous.