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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drinking alcohol. Should I be worried?

63 replies

Autumnalfall · 14/09/2019 23:24

Hello ladies,

Please be gentle. Feel quite shitty.
I am looking for some help/support concerning my partner. We have been together for a year, he is without doubt the kindest most generous, thoughtful man I have ever met.

However I believe he drinks too much. It's not big benders but 3 to 4 nights a weekend and the weekend he'll drink after football then in the house and he changes, feel he's not my partner and is silly, slurs his words etc.

I have raised this several times with him and it has always ended in an argument or a stand off.

With any other issue raised we chat it through and come to a resolution, no arguing and he's so good at self reflecting.
HOWEVER when it comes to his drinking he has never listened. He says I'm unreasonable and making it up. Whereas everything else we talk about he says I'm sensible and trusts my judgement etc

We just had another discussion where he has walked off and sitting downstairs.

I've actually questioned myself a few times. Am I being concerned about nothing Hmm but it's that intuition that keeps nagging inside that he's dependent on alcohol.
His dad died of alcoholism which I'm absolutely paranoid about.

I do not want to end it. He is so incredible in so many ways.
I am hoping to reach out and ask others what they did to help their partner or how to be effective in getting him to at least have a dialogue with me?

Thank you for listening. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnalfall · 14/09/2019 23:25

After football with his team mates before he gets home x

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 14/09/2019 23:35

It depends. Is he drinking a beer or two those nights or sinking a bottle of wine? If the latter then yes, I think it's too much but if it's the former I'd think it was ok. Lots of people have a glass or maybe two a few nights a week. How much does he drink those nights?

Wolfiefan · 14/09/2019 23:39

If he’s binge drinking 5 nights a week then you need to walk away.
You can’t make someone admit their drinking is unhealthy and you can’t talk them out of it.

Original poster
Autumnalfall · 14/09/2019 23:42

So he'll have a few nights a week with a couple of big glasses of wine or a few cans of beer.
However at the weekend I feel it is unnecessary so a bottle of wine or lots of beers 5 or so and then wine.

I am pretty much t total so he says I'm trying to control his drinking. I really am not but when he slurs his words and can't do basic stuff without struggling it pisses me off.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 14/09/2019 23:44

So find better? He’s a piss artist OP. You can’t make him change.

Redland12 · 14/09/2019 23:45

Red flags here, follow your gut instinct. You say he changes! That’s not good. It doesn’t matter he’s so incredible in so many ways living with a drinker is a ticking time bomb, I know I’m separating from one after 32 years, 32 years too long! You’ll never have peace of mind, you don’t have it now as you are already concerned. He’s father died of it another red flag. It’s bad news. Sorry but don’t go there.

Original poster
Autumnalfall · 14/09/2019 23:51

I don't know what to do. We are due to get married next year. Being organised it's all sorted.
If this wasn't the case I'd probably walk away or have a break at least. I can't tell anyone,
I'm numb. I've massively fucked up Sad

OP posts:
Karkasaurus · 14/09/2019 23:57

It sounds like pretty ordinary drinking to me. I'm not surprised he's told you to butt out.

Original poster
Autumnalfall · 15/09/2019 00:04

OK
I understand ppl have different perceptions I suppose the issue is we don't agree and I don't feel comfortable

OP posts:
57Varieties · 15/09/2019 00:22

It’s not really clear from your posts how often or how much he drinks I’m afraid - is it 3/4 nights a week plus the weekend? Why is it “unnecessary” for him to drink after football? (Which of course it is, but the post reads like you seem OKish with the midweek drinking but not the weekend)

Whatever the specifics, it does seem a lot of he’s slurring his words. I’ve had a drink problem. I do still drink but not at problematic levels any more. Ultimately though if he’s drinking at problematic levels he has to realise it himself. I was in denial about my drinking and just buried my doubts and fears with more booze. You can’t change him or control him and only you can decide if it’s a problem or not. But the fact his dad was an alcoholic and he’s going the same way doesn’t seem positive.

Good luck

Original poster
Autumnalfall · 15/09/2019 00:28

Thanks 57Varieties sorry for not being clear.
So he will drink say on a mon, wed, thurs evening and always without question on a Friday. Which I feel is too much and don't understand why it has to be so often during the week.
He will always drink on Saturday (quite a bit) and 50/50 on a Sunday evening.

My concern is that with anything else we disagree with or have different opinions on he's so willing to listen and compromise or self reflect and just so easy to get a resolution.
Anything to do with his drinking he is so defensive, angry and will not ever talk to me when I bring it up

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnalfall · 15/09/2019 00:29

Also I managed to get it out of him that his ex wife wasn't happy with his drinking either.

OP posts:
HopeClearwater · 15/09/2019 00:33

Two things would concern me here - that he’s so angry and defensive when you bring it up, and that his ex-wife wasn’t happy with his drinking. Those are massive red flags. Please consider your future very carefully. My husband started like this. Eventually he became a full-blown alcoholic and it killed him.

HopeClearwater · 15/09/2019 00:36

can't tell anyone, I'm numb. I've massively fucked up

No, you haven’t. You really haven’t. If you don’t want to live like this, you don’t have to. Don’t commit yourself if you’re not 100% sure, and you’re certainly not at the moment.

KatherineJaneway · 15/09/2019 00:39

To be honest, you are worried. It is clear from your posts.

He clearly likes a drink, you think he drinks too much. He does not want to change, you want him to change. I can't see a compromise here. He likes his alcohol but you rarely drink so I can't see you are a compatible couple.

heartyrebel · 15/09/2019 00:41

I'd put money on him being an alcoholic and this becoming a major problem in toys relationship. I'd guess he's probably drinking more than you know about as well.
My ex was like this and it gets worse and worse over the years. Hiding alcohol, the fights, the mistrust, the lies, till I ended up hating him.
Hes currently in rehab.

If I could turn back time I'd walk away right where you are now.
Think carefully before you marry and have children with him. It breaks my heart my daughter knowing her dad is an alcoholic.

Original poster
Autumnalfall · 15/09/2019 00:43

Thank you HopeClearwater
I feel so stupid. I think I am an intelligent woman and so when I articulate and reason with him he makes me feel silly and as if I'm over reacting.
I'm absolutely petrified of being married and no way out because when we are married it might make him think he can drink more. So far he's ignored me.
He did listen about 6 months ago and stopped for about 3 weeks which he was proud of. Thats all forgotten now.

If say I got upset over something he would normal comfort me and say how sorry he is that I'm feeling crap and we'd make up. When it comes to drinking he doesn't give a shit I'm upset.
He's now gone to bed because he's drunk and tired knowing I'm downstairs contemplating leaving.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnalfall · 15/09/2019 00:45

heartyrebel so sorry to hear that.

I just don't understand the need for alcohol all the time. It's like he slips back into it again and again.

I'm screwed as we've spent so much on the wedding.

OP posts:
SuzieQ10 · 15/09/2019 00:54

It sounds like a lot of alcohol to me. I don't think you can talk him (or nag him) out of it. And he doesn't recognise that he has an alcohol problem... so you have to decide if you're prepared to accept his drinking, continuing as you are, or decide it's not a relationship that works for you and walk away. Either way you'd be foolish IMO to get married anytime soon given the circumstances.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2019 00:58

I'm screwed as we've spent so much on the wedding.

You'll fuck up on a catastrophic level if you marry an alcoholic. Trust your instincts! Regularly drinking to the point of slurring words is NOT acceptable, and you know he has a hereditary predisposition for alcoholism. What you've spent on the wedding means fuck all. It's JUST MONEY. It's spent whether you get married or not and you will make more of it. Don't make a massive mistake that could impact your life forever.

opinionminion · 15/09/2019 01:32

Please please do not marry him. From bitter experience this will be just the tip of the iceberg.

Mix56 · 15/09/2019 01:41

Cancel the wedding. Sorry.
You know this is the road to disaster

managedmis · 15/09/2019 01:47

weekend and the weekend he'll drink after football then in the house and he changes, feel he's not my partner and is silly, slurs his words et

^^

What do you mean, feels he's not your partner?

I get the impression you're scared to actually write things down about him

EttyG · 15/09/2019 03:28

There is absolutely no point in trying to discuss this with him when he's had a drink. You were not going to get any reasonable conversation out of him tonight if he's had a few.

Have you tried talking to him when he's sober? What does he say then?

Ultimately, if he does not see a problem with it then you need to walk away now. You can't marry him just because you've already spent some money.

Longsight2019 · 15/09/2019 03:58

He drinks most nights because he prefers the feeling of being under the influence compared to being sober. This suggests he has some form of alcohol addiction, or is a functioning alcoholic.

As a few have said already, this tends to get worse with age and deeper rooted, becoming very difficult to reverse in later years. It’s a behaviour, an addiction and a form of drug use, dressed up in a pint pot.

Whether you can be married to someone like
this largely depends on you, and from what you’ve told us, it is highly likely that one of the following scenarios plays out:

You go ahead with the wedding, he continues to drink as he does, and you always have an issue with it/resent it/him.

He realises you have a major issue with it, promises to reduce his consumption, but over time the issue is always there and it doesn’t change, possibly gets worse.

He tells you he’s stopped/cut right back, but develops ways to hide his drinking from you and carries in regardless of any promises made.

He turns t-total and never reverts to his boozy ways.

Alcohol is a huge part of this man’s life and unless he’s open to scaling it right back and having some sort of professional intervention I would argue that this will be a battle you will not win.

If it is the issue for you which you suggest it is, you should be prepared to walk away from your fiancé now. Finding a t-total Mr Right may be pretty hard given the culture of booze all around us.