Drinking alcohol. Should I be worried?

[Autumnalfall]

Hello ladies,

Please be gentle. Feel quite shitty.
I am looking for some help/support concerning my partner. We have been together for a year, he is without doubt the kindest most generous, thoughtful man I have ever met.

However I believe he drinks too much. It's not big benders but 3 to 4 nights a weekend and the weekend he'll drink after football then in the house and he changes, feel he's not my partner and is silly, slurs his words etc.

I have raised this several times with him and it has always ended in an argument or a stand off.

With any other issue raised we chat it through and come to a resolution, no arguing and he's so good at self reflecting.
HOWEVER when it comes to his drinking he has never listened. He says I'm unreasonable and making it up. Whereas everything else we talk about he says I'm sensible and trusts my judgement etc

We just had another discussion where he has walked off and sitting downstairs.

I've actually questioned myself a few times. Am I being concerned about nothing but it's that intuition that keeps nagging inside that he's dependent on alcohol.
His dad died of alcoholism which I'm absolutely paranoid about.

I do not want to end it. He is so incredible in so many ways.
I am hoping to reach out and ask others what they did to help their partner or how to be effective in getting him to at least have a dialogue with me?

Thank you for listening. X

One tip - don't discuss it with him when he's had a drink. Wait until he is completely sober and then try and have an adult conversation. People get angry when drunk.

I'm sorry for you. I am beginning to hate booze so much I'm thinking of giving it up .

Listen to your gut. Ignore his words. Pay attention to what you see and how he makes you feel. Then act on it.

It becomes increasingly lonely being with a problem drinker as they are never emotionally present - there are either drunk, hungover or preoccupied plotting and planning the next drink. YOU are not on their mind.

There lives slowly fall apart - you end up doing everything and accommodating their issues.

You know he has a big problem. He will not be able to “cut back” - he will drink in secret. He is already warning you that he will punish you (feels resentful) if he has to cut back.

You are only a year in (why are you getting married so soon - was that his idea?) and you are starting to see the reality. Step back and observe and emotionally detach from him your head.

Do loads of research on addiction and alcoholism and you will see even more clearly what is in front of you.

Does he have children? Do you? Had you planned to have some together? Please don’t inflict an alcoholic on a child.

This relationship is eroding your MH - you will end up a shell of yourself. Do yourself a massive favour and be walk away before he destroys your life. Like he has done his first wife.

I am surprised that you were unclear that someone who drinks heavily 6 nights a week becoming slurry and out of control would be anything other than a alcoholic / problem drinker.

Get some support in RL to untangle yourself from this man.

Imo he's an alcoholic. Being an alcoholic isn't just about how much you drink but what your relationship with alcohol is like and his isn't healthy.

From your accounts he only has one day a week he doesn't drink at all (why that day?) and drinks excessively on at least 3 of those days. He's certainly exceeding the healthy drinking guidelines.

But even aside from that - am I right in thinking you're only together a year and already living together and arranging to get married?! That's INSANE! You barely know each other!

This type of thing proves it though. Why was there such a rush into everything? Who drove that?

"I'm screwed as we've spent so much on the wedding."
Don't fall for the sunk costs fallacy. A cancelled wedding is damn sight cheaper and easier to deal with than a divorce!

I speak as the daughter/granddaughter and niece of alcoholics and the cousin/sister of addicts to other substances.

There is a mantra for relatives of addicts:

You didn't cause it
You CANNOT CURE it and
You CANNOT CONTROL it

The only person that can influence the latter 2 is the addict. And even then it's a hell of a hard road! There's even being a "dry drunk" which means they've quit the substance but they still have addict psychology and behaviour which is horrendous, so even stopping drinking wouldn't necessarily improve matters.

"So he'd forfeit a marriage for his lifestyle choices." Not a lifestyle choice AN ADDICTIONS

This is him TELLING you the alcohol is his PRIORITY.

You can NEVER trust an addict, they will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, gaslight... Whatever they need to do to ensure they feed the addiction.

They will even do things they KNOW will harm them like drink even though they're on Antabuse, drink non edible things, drink even knowing they have already fucked up their livers or whatever else and that even one drink could land them in hospital or worse.

It's no life being married to a drunk.

And do you have DC or want dc? It's incredibly unfair to land an alcoholic parent on them.

How are you doing OP?

Did you talk with him last night?

Where are you at?

I know if I gave an ultimatum (not that I agree with them) or walked out he'd choose drinking over us

That is ALL you need to know. If you know that is the case, then you should be ending this relationship right now.

I know if I gave an ultimatum (not that I agree with them) or walked out he'd choose drinking over us

He has ALREADY chosen drink over you and your relationship.

He also chose it over his first marriage and any children that he may have had there.

Every alcoholic will choose booze over anything and anyone else. As much as they choose you over every other person, they can't choose you over booze. Depends whether you can live with that.

DH is in my opinion dependent upon alcohol. The sweetest, kindest most generous man who unfortunately suffered a huge amount of trauma in childhood, even acknowledges he has an issue but is reticent and stuck on how to address his issue with alcohol.

He used to drink most days, sometimes to the point of incoherence, but remained still a kind and generous man who has so much that is good about him.

He has good weeks. I worry about the long term impact on his health. But I love him. He's more sober now than at anytime I've known him. I still worry though because I have no idea if one day he will completely loose the will to control it. I do though believe it's his to control and own.

Life is good, I'm happy, he loves me and I love him, but I will always be hyper vigilant, in fear of loosing him, in fear for his health, and feeling as though we are walking a tightrope.

There is little point in using ultimatums with any addict. If you put yourself between them and their addiction they see you as the problem not their addiction. Your only hope is that you can ally yourself with and make a relationship with that part of them that remains in anyway outside of the influence of their addiction. And trust me there will be somewhere hidden below the surface a tiny part of them that knows they have a problem. It's finding it! It's only when that is strengthened the addict overcomes their seesawing ambivalence.

No two alcoholics will be the same, just as no two people are the same. Some may have developed dependence through contact, others because of family history or even a biological predisposition, others because of deep unresolved emotional trauma. It very much depends on this. I believe the hardest to reach are those who through culture and habit have developed dependence. They are the least likely to ever acknowledge they have a problem.

I think DH could be years in therapy if ever he wanted to address it. But I do believe it possible.

Op you are in for a long and bumpy ride and have no doubt about the impact it will make on you, it will more than likely come to define who you are too. Think very seriously and consider if the sacrifices you'll make you can live with. As well as the day to day irritation you mention be prepared to never fully feel at peace, because as mentioned by others here, he will almost definitely always be struggling with this. Even in the good times you'll live in fear.

So it's up to you if you can live with his alcohol dependence? Because you'll not change it by pleading alone.

It’s too much booze. My uni group are drinkers and i know quite a few couples who carry on this way. But here there’s also the fact that you don’t drink (good for you - you are the one in the right and I say that as someone who does sometimes overdo it) What is in it for you to spend life watching him trash his health and your relationship this way? What happens when you’ve got kids, and you are the one having to get up early with them again, because he’s had a few too many? As you get older, the cracks show with drinking. Many of the things you need to do to be an engaged parent or to keep yourself well with healthy food and exercise are hard to do if you drink too much, even if you are not an ‘alcoholic’ as such. It’s a big deal and it’s not your fault because clocking stuff like this takes time.

So he'd forfeit a marriage for his lifestyle choices
Yep.
He's an alcoholic.
That comes before anything.
As soon as your realise this you can end this and move on to someone better who is not dependent on alcohol.

Do you live together?
Rent or mortgage?

Hey Autumn, how are you doing? 🌺

I know if I gave an ultimatum (not that I agree with them) or walked out he'd choose drinking over us

This doesn't sound like it's about the drinking though. You say that he has said he's resentful about the lifestyle choices he's had to make. That's probably the case.

There is always going to be some adjustment from both parties when people combine their lives, but essentially you're telling him to change something that he enjoys doing, that doesn't cause any problems other than you not liking it and not doing it yourself. Is there anything else he likes to do that you've asked him to stop?

I can understand why that would make someone resentful. If it really is a deal-breaker for you, you're best finding a way to uncouple, but it's more than you're living in ways that are incompatible than him having a problem.

Don't see yourself as unlucky that you spent money on a wedding, think of yourself as lucky that you didn't go through with marrying a man who has a problem with alcohol.

His priority is alcohol. He changes personality when he drinks. If you had children together, how would that be? And the expense, too - it would be his priority and you would be the boring one having to worry about money for food.