Drinking alcohol. Should I be worried?

[Autumnalfall]

Hello ladies,

Please be gentle. Feel quite shitty.
I am looking for some help/support concerning my partner. We have been together for a year, he is without doubt the kindest most generous, thoughtful man I have ever met.

However I believe he drinks too much. It's not big benders but 3 to 4 nights a weekend and the weekend he'll drink after football then in the house and he changes, feel he's not my partner and is silly, slurs his words etc.

I have raised this several times with him and it has always ended in an argument or a stand off.

With any other issue raised we chat it through and come to a resolution, no arguing and he's so good at self reflecting.
HOWEVER when it comes to his drinking he has never listened. He says I'm unreasonable and making it up. Whereas everything else we talk about he says I'm sensible and trusts my judgement etc

We just had another discussion where he has walked off and sitting downstairs.

I've actually questioned myself a few times. Am I being concerned about nothing but it's that intuition that keeps nagging inside that he's dependent on alcohol.
His dad died of alcoholism which I'm absolutely paranoid about.

I do not want to end it. He is so incredible in so many ways.
I am hoping to reach out and ask others what they did to help their partner or how to be effective in getting him to at least have a dialogue with me?

Thank you for listening. X

His strongest relationship is with alcohol, not with you OP. A heavy drinker would rather cut off their arm than stop drinking.
You are t-total. As much as you love him, I don't think your lifestyles are fully compatible. I'm sorry but I think this is only going to get worse and you should cancel the wedding.

Solid advice here. As I’ve said 32 years married, ended because of alcohol, children (in their 20’s) who he adores won’t speak to him, we’ve just sold our house he's lost everything because he can’t give it up. I wish I could go back in time and never have met him, harsh as he was the love of my life, money spent on a wedding is nothing to the life you have ahead of you. You only have one shot at it don’t spend it with a drinker it’s horrendous. Walk away and don’t look back.

Same story here too. H drank quite a lot. His dad lost everything, then died from alcoholism.
Now we're getting divorced, because of his alcoholism. Trust me, it costs a lot lot LOT more to get divorced! I had those exact niggling doubts before we got married. It didn't seem much some weeks, other weeks it just wasn't right. Sometimes he'd convince me he'd sort himself out, other weeks he'd convince me he didn't need to. Alcoholics are literally masters of denial and you get drawn in.

Im not sure in units how much he is drinking but He is drinking six days a week and importantly, he changes in drink.

Also you are incompatible in your views about drinking. I used to enjoy a regular drink and these days I don’t bother and I do find it irritating when people start slurring and I am stone cold sober. If you live with that every day it must be hard.

I would seriously reconsider getting married.

You can't change his drinking habits. You either leave or live with it.

Might sound harsh, but it's the same for addicts and general drinkers. Either they're addicted and it's impossible, or they're not and it's not your decision.

Oh poor you OP. You haven’t made a massive fuck up at all. You are not responsible for what he tips down his throat. That’s his responsibility and alcohol is both mentally and physically very addictive (don’t let that make you feel too sorry for him though as you can’t fix it, believe the other posters on here and my experience.)
I was in the exact same position as you 5 years ago. Bought a very expensive wedding dress etc etc, venue booked, all the rest. Thought my ex was my life partner obviously. I wasn’t T total so we seemed apparently compatible there and of course I’m many other ways but...
My exDP binged. His social circle too as I started to realise but it was subtle. However, it got to two bottles of champagne in one sitting celebrating our impending wedding with friends. Before that maybe 3-4 pints around 4/5 times a week. Maybe only 2 sometimes so at first it seemed acceptable by many drinking standards in the U.K., but don’t let that fool you - if it is escalating and he can’t stop/is enraged at the thought of stopping then there is a problem.
It was very difficult to assess how much was too much with my ex as he was a big apparently strong fella who could seem to take his drink (alcoholics can drink a heck of a lot before seeming drunk). His father was very successful but a heavy drinker.
As it turned out my ex had given himself a heart condition over the years from the alcohol which is fairly common from years of bingeing. Worked in a well paid job and hid this condition from me until we were a couple years down the road. I realised fairly quick he’d caused all the medical problems from drink...so sad. I tried very hard to help him. I loved him very much but sadly as you try to help people like this they will become abusive- the last thing they will do is give up the drink (until they hit rock bottom and that is a different place for everybody- but usually it is destroyed health, family and finances). They resent you to high heaven even if you say they need to try to cut back even due to health issues and certainly if they give up for a bit they blame you unless they’ve reached their rock bottom (dragging you with them).
None of my exDP’s friends or partners were helpful- several of his friends drank loads and when I asked one of his friend's partners about if she thought it too much she just said ‘boys will be boys’. Her own fella would stay out all night with no contact drunk! They were super well off so it all ‘seemed’ okay to her I guess. Another of my exDP’s friends was t total however as he’d been such a steaming alcoholic when they were all at uni he had to give it up.
The reason I mention the context is that sadly alcoholics usually have drinking buddies who normalise the whole thing and it’s hard to see it for yourself and stick to your guns sometimes.
I got out before getting married and it was truly the best thing to do. An ironic analogy here: you can lead a horse to water....You cannot control him or help him with alcoholism sadly- but you can liberate yourself. Most likely, you will find the more you push him to cut back the more the rest of your relationship will collapse as the alcohol is the prop for an alcoholic’s whole life. Sadly you will probably discover it’s not you or the relationship from which he derives strength, but alcohol. Perhaps he can get help if you say how worried you are...but if a true alcoholic he will blame you during the process-pretty much all addicts do.

If you think your screwed by what you’ve sunk in to the wedding planning, marriage will be levelling up!

He’s defensive because he’s embarrassed and knows you’re right. If you marry him, he will only get worse.

You need to cancel the wedding now, do not further become the architect of your own emotional demise by further going onto marrying him (then subsequently divorcing him) primarily because its already been booked and paid for. What sort of reason is that?. What would your advice be to a friend in this situation?.

Do not worry unduly about the relatives or money that has been spent to date, this is immaterial really when it comes to your long term happiness. You cannot marry a drunkard. Your fiancé grew up with an alcoholic for a father and alcoholism as well can also be learnt behaviour. His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you and never has been.

Sunken costs fallacy - get out whilst you can - money is only money - time is irreplaceable.

If you want to check out how spouses and partners and family members manage (or not) to live with an alcoholic in their lives go visit an al-anon meeting - at least before you decide to stay so that you can have a full appreciation of the true hidden costs of living with someone with a drinking problem

(Daughter of an alcoholic, in recovery alcoholic (2 years))

Hello Autumn, how are you? What are your thoughts about advice given. I hope you are ok 🌺

I hope you're OK too, OP. I'm another whose OH was an alcoholic - he was a 'liked a drink' kind of guy when I married him, but was sensible about it - until his parents died, and then the wheels came off. He ended up a full blown alcoholic and yes, it was there in his family and he knew the risk.

We split and he died before the divorce was completed. We (two DDs and I) are still working on our own recovery.

Don't marry him.

Hello,

Thank you so much everyone for your support and kind words and help. I am so sorry that from the messages it looks like many of you have gone through hell because of a partner dependent on alcohol.

I purposefully left MN alone today so I could gather my thoughts but what I have read really makes sense . I'm absolutely exhausted by worrying about my partner and the state of our relationship.

We had a discussion about things today and nothing has changed. He says that I am being unreasonable because I don't drink. I think he's deflecting the problem. I really don't mind people drinking, it's the dependency that upsets me.
We agree that if we can't work it out we should not get married. I was quite shocked my partner said this first. So he'd forfeit a marriage for his lifestyle choices.

To cut a long story short he says he will be more considerate of his drinking. Not sure what that means. He says he's becoming resentful of having to change himself for me.
I literally am lost for words. I am still thinking wtf, what should I do!
I've avoided him for most of the day. X

Joanofardvark literally I was reading your post agreeing with everything.
I feel guilty everytime I mention the drinking it breaks our relationship a little more.

I know if I gave an ultimatum (not that I agree with them) or walked out he'd choose drinking over us

Autumnfall you don't even need the ultimatum. He has already been quite clear - he will choose the drink over you, every time. At least he's honest about it, mine wasn't - he drank in secret as well as openly to ensure he got 'enough'.

From what you've said about the quantities he's having (that you know of) he is already in dangerous territory healthwise. And it doesn't get better with his attitude.

I would really recommend you attend a support group for the families of alcoholics. Al-Anon is the obvious one, but there are others. Getting support will help you decide what you want to do to protect yourself and set boundaries for your life.

I did go the ultimatum route with my H - but I meant it. And I followed through all the way. It was hard, it led to the absolute worst end possible and I still have no regrets. What you say about being exhausted from the stress of worrying about him drinking really resonates with me and it should tell you how bad things are.

Take your time, get the support from people who have been there, then make your decision. I can only say from the other side that life without an alcoholic in it is wonderful.

Yes, Alcohol, & the socialising that goes hand in hand with it, are more important than his family, says it all sadly

The wedding + divorce will cost a lot more than "the wedding". You will save money by stopping now.

It sounds like he is lying about his drinking to be honest. 2 glasses of wine and he is slurring? Is he a very small man? I would be surprised at a man who drinks almost every night having such a low alcohol tolerance.

He has a problem. He is repeatedly choosing alcohol over relationships. Does he drive? I would also be worried about him potentially being under the influence some mornings.

I used to drink to problematic levels. If anyone had told me to stop or cut back I would have been defensive and I wouldn't have done it.
Sadly he has to come to this realisation himself. At the moment I'd imagine he cannot imagine a life without alcohol, that it won't be as enjoyable. It was this myth that kept me drinking for years.

I'd walk away. Heartbreaking as it is. If it does bring him to his senses books like Alcohol Explained can help people change their perspective on alcohol but he has to really want to stop to be receptive to this.

From what you say he's drinking way over the recommended levels. He's risking serious health issues. Anyone that can't go for a few days (at the very least) has a big problem with alcohol.

Do not marry this man, whatever promises he makes. He is choosing alcohol over you. That's his decision, and his choice, but until he addresses his problen with alcohol, he's never going to put you first.

What should you do! Don’t marry him, he’s told you he’s resentful having to change for you. Alcohol will always come first. It’s his first love. He will definitely choose it over you every time. It’s game over, don’t waste your life like I did. Walk away. 🌺

Hurts when they choose alcohol over you, hurts more when they choose it over your child.

It doesn't sound normal to me. Some people are quite happy to sit and drink 3 or 4 glasses of wine or 3 or 4 beers every night then more at the weekend but it wouldn't be me!

Firstly, if there was an emergency with kids for example (I imagine you plan to have kids), how can anyone possibly be co-herent enough to deal with an ill child after 3 or 4 drinks or more?

The recommendation is no more than 1-2 units per day for women and 2-3 units for men. 3 or 4 glasses of wine of medium size is around 8 units and 3 or 4 normal strengths beers is about 6 units. So that's double or triple the recommendation.

Relying on drinking is bad, being dependent on it is even worse. If you need alcohol to relax, you need help. Alcohol is meant to be there to be enjoyed as part of socialising and be now and then, not daily.

As soon as you drink pretty much daily in the quantities he does, his blood pressure will start to get higher and higher, as will his body temperature and he will likely get issues with his liver, kidneys and heart. Maybe not next month or next year but in the near future for sure

I would really recommend you attend a support group for the families of alcoholics. Al-Anon is the obvious one, but there are others. Getting support will help you decide what you want to do to protect yourself and set boundaries for your life.

This is good advice op.

I've taken everything on board and I really am grateful for everyone helping and giving me support.

I feel like I've distanced myself from my partner. I just don't feel the same.
He messaged me this morning at work but I haven't replied like normal. I just want time on my own.
I'm so so so worried l be marrying someone I can't trust or respect.

OP I’ve only read the first page so sorry if I’ve missed anything. Gotta go out now but will read rest later.

I was married to an alcoholic. When we met he was a big drinker, I wasn’t. Unlike you I was young so got dragged into the lifestyle. I am not an alcoholic though so can drink or not at will.

The drinking does not stop. I can tell you straight up now that unless he is fully ready to stop he won’t, and even at the point where he is ready it’ll be very hard. Like your DP my ex’s father was also an alcoholic, it really does run in families, and the only way to stop it is for the next one to stop.

Anyway I had a child with my ex, I was with him for 13 years and left when DS was 6. Throughout that time the drinking did not stop. It fluctuated, sometimes he’d stop for a few weeks, most of the time it was stable high consumption, but when times were stressful the consumption would go up, and up.

It is no fun living with an alcoholic. There life revolves around drink, everything you do together has to involve them having a drink, and if you want to do something that involves no drink then forget it. It’s toxic, but by the time you realise you’re in so deep you can’t get out.

Please please don’t marry this man. The money you’ll lose on the wedding is nothing compared to the misery you you will suffer if you go ahead. You might be worried about what people will think if you back out, but take it from me, and believe me when I say this comes from the bottom of my heart, the devastation you will feel when you look back and realise that you were right, you shouldn’t have got married, will be more crushing and paralyzing than anything you’ll go through if you call it off. Losing a few grand is nothing next to losing years of your life, your self esteem and your identity to a drinker.

As for my XH, well he hit rock bottom. He was, is, physically dependent on alcohol. He can’t go more than a few hours without a drink without getting sick and shakey. He can’t go cold turkey because it’s too dangerous and could be fatal. He’s lost his livelihood. He’s lost his son. He’s got severe liver damage. He’s lost his eyesight as a result of the drink. He’s lost the feeling in his hands and feet and now needs a walker to get around. He’s fucked, completely and utterly fucked, and I tried to save him I really did. He couldn’t and didn’t want to be saved though, and now he’s staring into an early grave because of it. And the kicker, every time I walk past his local he’s in there with a drink in front of him. Even after all this he still can’t stop.

My adult life was destroyed by this man. Even 6 years after leaving I’m still working through and trying to fix the damage he caused. You do not want this life OP, and your really don’t want to look back and wonder why the hell you married him when you knew in your gut it was wrong. It’s a devastating price to pay for the sake of a few quid, or a bit of short term embarrassment and discomfort. Don’t pay that price. I did, and 19 years down the track I’m still paying it.