Experience with jealous man?

[SarahJah]

Hi all, I am a long time lurker but I need some opinions.

Anyone have or had any experience with jealous guys?

My DP of 2 years will mention something day to day but one thing that came to light the other day was he noticed the same 'guy' had liked my 'selfies' on Instagram only. It means nothing... that's what Instagram is. I have never really looked into it. When I say selfies, they are not half nude pictures!! Just pictures with me on my own sometimes or with my mum or sister. I just felt that was quite observant? He messaged me at work so he must have been going through my Instagram.

We aren't 12 and 13 either (it seems), I am 27 and he is 43 (we have a big age gap but it works for us). After his little outburst on text the other day about that he tells me it 'won't happen again' and I got the below message:

"I was so twisted up yesterday I was looking at your Instagram and noticed one bloke only likes your selfies... made me right jealous... sorry I’m a bit nutty."

He says he had been f**ked over before and is jealous and insecure he has admitted to me which I know about.

What do you think? Is it normal? Maybe I know the answer I just want other opinions.

You say it works for you but the two people I've been close to that were in 'big gap relationships' had huge problems precisely because of jealously on the part of the older person.

That said, the tone of his message that you've given us wasn't overly angry and seemed to indicate that he might be aware that it's his problem. How angry was his first one? If he admits irrational jealously and can work with it, maybe you can work through it.

It good that he recognised he’s in the wrong and said it won’t happen again. But I’d be a bit freaked out by the thought of him going through your Instagram and making a note of blokes who’d liked your pictures!

What do you mean when you say ‘he will mention something day to day’? What sort of thing?

How long have you been together?. What has been his relationship history to date?. Has he cheated and or been cheated on?.

There seem to be red flags re this man. I would actually reconsider this whole relationship and whether your relationship can stand such intense scrutiny from him. His behaviour is not totally benign here and he overstepped the mark totally. It is belittling and I am wondering why you are also with him. I would also think that if the positions were reversed, he would not be at all forgiving.

You have not caused his jealousy and or insecurity to arise; those are his issues for his own self to work out, not to plonk that on you.

Thanks for your comments.

@Chitarra that's the part I was thinking was a bit odd, the fact he admitted it too. Day to day he notices what I like on social media and will bring me up on it.

Also just little things like questioning when i take a will to respond to him he seems to think I'm talking to others. I'm aware it all seems to be online. Face to face we are ok, he is quite an intense person anyway.

@AttilaTheMeerkat we have been together just under 2 years. He hasn't been into detail to a large extent just said he had been f**ked over and he has mentioned that he has been cheated on in the past, which clearly doesn't help. I have not given him any reason to be jealous or not trust me.

Don't allow him to make rules for what you can and can't do, but negotiate limits and rules together. He may try to appeal to universal standards for what is and isn't appropriate behaviour for you; remind him that couples come up with their own rules about what constitutes cheating and what constitutes appropriate, faithful behaviour. This will put you in a position of creating rules that you are both comfortable with and remind him that fidelity in your relationship is a two-way contract. Tell him that it is a requirement for you that he spell out what he sees as appropriate or not appropriate in clear, well-defined rules. It is not acceptable for him to use his emotions alone as a guide.

Could it be because of the age gap OP?
Same age as you, DP similar age too!

He use to be the same (we now both don't have SM) he was always worried I'd want somebody 'more my age' as he's 'old' x

I think often the older person in an age gap relationship can feel insecure and paranoid, as they will look at their younger partner and think how easy it would be for them to find something "better" (in an age gap relationship myself, and have been through this).

*Day to day he notices what I like on social media and will bring me up on it.

Also just little things like questioning when i take a will to respond to him he seems to think I'm talking to others*

These things seem like huge red flags to me. So he sits around looking at what you are doing on Social Media and pulling you up on your likes? And then thinking that you are talking to other people when you're online but not talking to him?

That's not 'intense', that's fucking scary.

IME jealousy is the worst trait in a partner. My advice. Get rid.

2 years is a common time for an abuser to drop the mask and begin to abuse in earnest.

Now it begins.

Here's a bf sized bin.
🗑
What are you going to do?

Er... so basically he is stalking every move you make online, and then questioning you about anything he decides he doesn't approve of?

It won't stop there, you know that, don't you? That neighbour you say hello to in passing, the bloke who works in the local corner shop who seems to know your name, your friend's DH, the work colleague whose desk is next to yours? Soon you will be finding that he doesn't much like the contact you have with any of them either.

He will be wanting to control your every move, where you go, what you wear, all for your own good you see, and because - well, basically, unless he is actively monitoring your behaviour you simply can't be trusted not to jump on anything in trousers within a 100 mile radius.

I married a man who did this.

My advice to you: run.

Hes insecure about you going off with someone your own age.

It's not normal and it is not right.
Bin him.

I'm with a man like this also so RUN

It'll soon turn into you having no social media he will guilt trip you into getting rid of it, then be him getting you a phone to track who your talking to via your online bill, then find my iPhone an then no friends an family as you'll feel quilty for leaving him alone as he will have those strange thoughts an jealous outbursts.

Please. I'm in an age gap marriage. If it starts like this now. It'll only ever ever get worse!!! Don't make the same mistake I did xx

Listen to ellzebellze

Been there, done that. Fucking nightmare. But it's just because he loves you so much

I learnt this lesson very young (18) and would never, ever go near a jealous man again

His issues are not your issues! He sounds controlling as fuck!

I'm speaking from experience here. It will begin like this. The apology comes, you accept it and the cycle begins. Next it will be I saw you talking to a man the other day, who was he? Why were you talking to him? What were you talking about? Then when you tell him who it was perhaps a work colleague the apologies come again. It gets worse to the point you will be afraid to go anywhere, do anything, speak to anyone because you will be quizzed and accused of having an affair. Perhaps he is just insecure but you really need to be careful with him. Stand your ground and make it very clear you will not tolerate the behaviour.

I don’t think it does work for you. Well, not for him anyway....

Well now you know why he was single at his age.

Some controlling, jealous men tend to go for younger because they think they'll be easier to manipulate.

I've had experience of this (with age gap though not so big), it did not improve.

Also you don't do time for other people's crimes - if he had issues due to bring cheated on/treated badly it's up to him to work on himself, get counselling, whatever ... Not take them into a relationship with you and subject you to outbursts, stress, controlling behaviour etc.

Really sorry but this sort of behaviour rarely improves/goes away. You can't make someone secure if they're not and you shouldn't have to change your behaviour (unless it's totally unreasonable, which isn't usually the case) to try to make someone secure. Security and self esteem comes from within.

He may be aware of his issues but he doesn't seem to have them under control and I predict this will crop up again (and again). You're probably wasting your time when you could looking for and meeting a partner whose a better bet and maybe more of an equal match.

• who is

Well now you know why he was single in his 40’s. Jealousy is right up there with meanness in the list of traits I would never tolerate, if you want to carry on in this relationship I’d make it crystal clear you won’t stand for it..it’ll only get worse. Stalking your social media is very odd behaviour, huge red flag. The advice ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them’ is very relevant here. This is a good blog post about it... ‘tinybuddha.com/blog/when-someone-shows-you-who-they-are-believe-them/’

The age gap is too big given where you are in life - you may think it isn't a problem but he was 15 or 16 when you were born. It isn't working for you.
I would walk away now. It won't get better.

(we have a big age gap but it works for us)

No offence but actually it doesn't -because he studies your social media in detail and makes you account for/criticises/complains about it. And it's nothing justified - like flirting, inappropriate interaction etc.

That's fked up, dysfunctional and totally unfair on you (and I'm sure it causes you stress, I remember the stress and frustration I used to feel in similar circumstances) so I'm not trying to be mean but it doesn't work.

Of course a younger man could be the same but that would just equally mean that he is u healthily jealous, insecure and controlling.

In this case - his behaviour is linked to his age because

A. He's very likely not have been available to get involved with a twenty something if he was in a lasting relationship from his twenties/thirties which may well be partly or wholly down to this - anyway of discretely asking his exes about his behaviour?) And

B. His insecurity is very likely exacerbated by the age gap, as my ex's certainly was.

Honestly you'd be better to escape.