Experience with jealous man?

[SarahJah]

Hi all, I am a long time lurker but I need some opinions.

Anyone have or had any experience with jealous guys?

My DP of 2 years will mention something day to day but one thing that came to light the other day was he noticed the same 'guy' had liked my 'selfies' on Instagram only. It means nothing... that's what Instagram is. I have never really looked into it. When I say selfies, they are not half nude pictures!! Just pictures with me on my own sometimes or with my mum or sister. I just felt that was quite observant? He messaged me at work so he must have been going through my Instagram.

We aren't 12 and 13 either (it seems), I am 27 and he is 43 (we have a big age gap but it works for us). After his little outburst on text the other day about that he tells me it 'won't happen again' and I got the below message:

"I was so twisted up yesterday I was looking at your Instagram and noticed one bloke only likes your selfies... made me right jealous... sorry I’m a bit nutty."

He says he had been f**ked over before and is jealous and insecure he has admitted to me which I know about.

What do you think? Is it normal? Maybe I know the answer I just want other opinions.

It's hard to imagine having him "allowing" you the relative freedom to socialise on your own if he's like this about SM; do you get nights out/girls nights/a bit of a social life on your own sometimes or has he locked that down?

As he hasn't been into any detail about his previous relationships, I'd be more concerned that he was the cheater tbh. People like this often project their own behaviour onto others, so he sees this guy giving you 'too much attention' and fears you being unfaithful because that's what he would do.

If he keeps giving you shit about your online life then I'd unfriend/unfollow him and make sure he can't see what you're up to as he's clearly abusing the access he has to your posts.

I think AtillaTheMeerkat gave very mature and sage advice to you regards talking boundaries with him.

It is normal for people to get jealous but it’s how they handle their emotions that makes the difference. Most of us get jealous at some point or another and it isn’t pleasant for either the person feeling it or for the person who is receiving it.

He is feeling quite insecure it seems and no doubt it’s because he has been hurt in the past. However, if he wants this relationship to be happy and healthy, then it would be a great idea for him to start to work on the damage he has sustained otherwise it is going to damage what you two have.

I would sit down with him and have an open conversation and discuss and make boundaries together.

The above is all very rational and moderate .. but the problem is so many of us have found that sitting down and trying to talk it out, resolve it etc .. simply does not work.

Their behaviour is not rational, they are not usually capable of changing, if they could they wouldn't be behaving like that in the first place. All you'll get is a reduction/break but they'll return to the same behaviour sooner or later.

Op may as well go and bang her head repeatedly off the nearest wall.

She's probably already had the conversation,big some version of it and even if she makes it clear this is a potential deal brwaker, I'd put good mo eh down that he won't stop.
In fact he'll be worse because now he'll know she's getting to the end of her tether and might finish, so he'll feel even more secure about her leaving (with it without the escort of another, most likely younger, man).

*I'd put good money down that he won't stop

*even more insecure

This behaviour is really a form of abuse - and most abusers cannot and do not change from civilised discussions with the person they're abusing.

They might if they attend individual counselling and really really take personal responsibility, but those people would appear to be very much in the minority.

It doesn’t work with an abusive partner, correct.

But not all partners who get jealous from time to time are abusive.

However, the OP will only find out which type she has by putting in boundaries. If he crosses those boundaries, she will have her answer as to whether she has a decent partner or an abusive partner.

She shouldn't have to "put down boundaries" around him studying, analysing, questioning and criticising, to the point of outbursts, her (innocent) SM activity.

The boundary is already there in terms of normal/reasonable behaviour. Op shouldn't have to set down or explain reasonable behaviour. This is not occasional, understandable jealousy - op had said this is several, repeated incidents of get being questioned and criticised re her SM activity, the latest while she's at work.

A 40 something man shouldn't have to be told it's not normal or reasonable and have "boundaries" laid out by his (incidentally much younger) partner.

I guarantee you he has a history of this behaviour.

I used to think that you didn’t or shouldn’t have to really lay it down that you aren’t comfortable with something another person has said or done.

But i’ve changed my mind on that a while ago now. People aren’t mind-readers and if something has occurred once which you did not like but you did not say or express it wasn’t ok, the other person doesn’t necessarily get that it wasn’t.

So I think for the sake of everyone’s sanity, that it’s easier to just be assertive and say what is ok with you and what is not ok with you.

If a person continues to do said thing after that, well that’s a different story.

OP he's not 'admitting' jealousy and insecurity, he's EXCUSING it, with his bullshit.. I'm a bit nutty and he's been fucked over before bollocks.. I'd kick way older his arse to the kerb.

People aren’t mind-readers and if something has occurred once which you did not like but you did not say or express it wasn’t ok, the other person doesn’t necessarily get that it wasn’t.

It hasn't happened once, it's repeated - which is why op is posting in here about it.

Noone should have to be told it isn't normal of reasonable to study your partner's SM, nite what they have liked, count up how many likes other people, specifically men, have made on their posts and then make them explain them or criticise them for it or complain about it. This is not reasonable or even sane behaviour.

You can certainly try to discuss it with them but sadly if they were reasonable or well adjusted they wouldn't be doing it in the first place.

Incidentally I'm sure ops partner is aware, unless he is abnormally insensitive and lacking in empathy, that his repeated behaviour is frustrating and stressing her. He'd be aware of it in her tone and expressions every time he "pulls her up" about something she had liked of that a guy has liked her pic/post.

*she has liked,or that a guy has liked her pic/post

There are things that shouldn't need pointed out or explained as not ok, to me this falls within them, not sure why you think it doesn't.

A teenager doing this to his or her gf/bf - with a sensible parent - would be told to stop it and that it's not ok .. that they're acting crazy and it's unfair (verging on abusive) on their partner and will drive them away sooner or later. This man is old enough to be the sensible parent correcting the teenager!! Why should he have to be told it's not ok - he knows.

Hi op, I meet my ex at 21 and he was 31. He used to refer to me as a ‘nasty little child’- if I did something he didn’t like. I couldn’t wave at a man who used to live across the road. When he was out delivering he would randomly check in to get a drink, basically checking up on me. I couldn’t even talk to my mum in the phone or even take my phone upstairs, Incase I was texting other blokes. I know it’s hard when you love someone, please walk away- this is the start of it. Ali x

That’s nothing.

My bf at the time hid under a desk in my office because he believed I was having sex with everyone there.

If it’s a one off, forget it. Having feelings about it isn’t unreasonable. It’s how it’s managed going forward.

Run run runnnnnn....this will not improve. I’d love to hear the story of him being fucked over. I’m sure she tells it very differently.

My bf at the time hid under a desk in my office because he believed I was having sex with everyone there

Omg I know it's not funny but I would love to hear how this ended!!!

You have to think about what he sees in a woman a decade and a half younger than him. I'm almost 40 and a 25 year old wouldn't interest me at all.

Most of the time, guys like this are weird and immature but younger women don't have the experience to see that/are more on the guy's maturity level. Women their age are far more able to see through their shit and not want any part in it.

If it’s a one off, forget it.

Another comment from someone who hasn't read the post - it's repeated behaviour, it's "day to day". FFS if your're going to advise op to continue in a relationship, at least read the ops posts properly. This is an increasing controling, abusive relationship.

I concentrated on the SM stalking and complaints he dies and didn't even emphasise that he also questions (and essentially hassles) op about how long she takes to respond to him, and days/implies it's because she's in communication with someone else (another man of men obviously). He'd a paranoid, insecure, jealous, possessive, controlling/hassle-y man, and I have a feeling op hadn't even described the full extent of his behaviour.

I can't get over posters advising her to reason with him and stay. Have you ever been in a relationship like that - it doesn't work. Also if you ever find out accurate info about his past relationships you invariably find out he has a history of it.

*increasingly

*he does

And yes, while older man age gap relationships can be neutral/harmless, unfortunately a lot of women have discovered that the man goes for younger because he thinks that a younger person will be easier to manipulate and control (and because women closer to his age will recognise his behaviour from previous behaviour and exit the relationship sooner).

*recognise his behaviour from previous relationships

I don't think the age gap is necessarily relevant. Any man, at any age, who has the compulsive need to assuage the gaping, damaged hole inside himself by controlling the behaviour of his partner, is not worth it.

OP, please understand that nothing you do will EVER change him. It doesn't matter whether you 'give him reason' to be jealous or not. It won't make any difference when, in a couple of years' time, you have closed your SM accounts, stay in every night, reassure him every day how much you love only him, lower you gaze when out in case he thinks you are looking at men, etc etc. You can tiptoe on eggshells until your feet bleed, and it will never be enough.

He is damaged and he will stay damaged. He will never be able to have a normal, mutually respectful adult relationship with anyone. His need to stalk you and control you will ALWAYS be stronger than his ability to see you as you really are. You will cease to exist. He cannot ever love YOU - he won't even know who you are, or care. He will only love your function in making him feel better about himself.