Experience with jealous man?

[SarahJah]

Hi all, I am a long time lurker but I need some opinions.

Anyone have or had any experience with jealous guys?

My DP of 2 years will mention something day to day but one thing that came to light the other day was he noticed the same 'guy' had liked my 'selfies' on Instagram only. It means nothing... that's what Instagram is. I have never really looked into it. When I say selfies, they are not half nude pictures!! Just pictures with me on my own sometimes or with my mum or sister. I just felt that was quite observant? He messaged me at work so he must have been going through my Instagram.

We aren't 12 and 13 either (it seems), I am 27 and he is 43 (we have a big age gap but it works for us). After his little outburst on text the other day about that he tells me it 'won't happen again' and I got the below message:

"I was so twisted up yesterday I was looking at your Instagram and noticed one bloke only likes your selfies... made me right jealous... sorry I’m a bit nutty."

He says he had been f**ked over before and is jealous and insecure he has admitted to me which I know about.

What do you think? Is it normal? Maybe I know the answer I just want other opinions.

My bf at the time hid under a desk in my office because he believed I was having sex with everyone there.

This is actually a perfect example of the mindset of this sort of jealous person.

It just shows how far removed from reality their thoughts and feelings have become. It doesn't matter who or what their partner is as a person, or how that partner behaves, what their boundaries are, or what they want in terms of a relationship. It also makes no difference that a jealous person apologises or bursts into tears of contrition or whatever - this is who they are.

this could continue for another 20 years and escalate until you are completely crushed
Is that what you want?

I was with a super jealous and insecure man for 5 years, it was horrible. He seemed the total opposite when we first got together but after a while I started to see it. He always used to use it against me and stop me doing things/seeing people because of how he felt. Personally I think anyone who gets jealous over someone liking pictures is ridiculous, that's what Instagram is for. Saying that, it's easy to say leave but not always that simple and if there haven't been any other situations like this I'd talk to him about it and ask why it made him jealous. I also think there can be healthy and unhealthy jealousy, this doesn't seem healthy though.

There are things that shouldn't need pointed out or explained as not ok, to me this falls within them, not sure why you think it doesn't.

Is this post directed to me?

If so, my point in my earlier post was that it is ok for one person to assert to another that a certain behaviour is not welcomed and they will not be accepting any similar such behaviour from that person in the future.

I do believe in communication as the first step in any conflict and as previously stated, I am well aware that a high percentage of abusive people will not respect such boundaries. What I don’t know is if the OP has asserted any boundaries with her partner or what those existing boundaries are. So because of this, I recommended boundaries as the first measure.

Yes it was and you are incredibly frustrating - op shouldn't have to put down boundaries to stop her (considerably older) partner from stalking her SM and hassling her about her likes, she shouldn't have to put down boundaries when he accuses her if communicating with other people (he means men) when she doesn't respond to his contact quickly.

Because it's not reasonable behaviour - and anyone sane/well adjusted knows that without someone else having to tell them.

The fact that she would have to tell him to stop/that it's not acceptable in the first place ... is a very obvious indication that he is not well adjusted and has issues.

In any case, as I said before, it wouldn't take anyone to be a genius to realise that behaviour like this would stress/annoy/frustrate the recipient. That is also blatently obvious and shouldn't need pointed out.

@GilbertMarkham

I’m unsure why you are becoming angry with myself and others on here though? I’ve seen I’m not the only one.

It is just coming across that if someone doesn’t see your point of view exactly as you want them to, you get cross.

I also highly doubt that op hasn't protested about his behaviour to date, yet he is doing this repeatedly.

Frustration is not anger.

I haven't noticed any others repeatedly telling op she needs to lay down boundaries and communicate with this essentially abusive man.

My responses to you are because I think you are giving op crap advice and I'm trying to refute it in case she listens. She'll just waste more if her time and be subjected to more stress.

He'd partner knows exactly what he is doing, knows it wrong and I really don't appreciate your posts suggesting he doesn't and needs to have it pointed out. She's a vulnerable younger woman with a man old enough to nearly be her dad, who's jealous and controlling .. and your approach is totally off imo.

I have no problem with differing opinions but when I think someone's advice is irresponsible - yes, I will strongly call it out for the sake of the op.

I am not up for arguing. Your need to control this thread and what’s others say on it, worries me.

Jealousy is completely normal, but most of is handle it well and get a grip, we don’t let it negatively effect us or others around us.

My ex was jealous, but he was jealous of one of my friends, it went from him showing a minor dislike of me spending time with him and ended up with the extremes of turning the TV off if he was on it, taking my phone and changing social media passwords to try and stop me accessing it, stopping me seeing friends who were also friends with the person he was jealous. You can only put up with so much before you crack and get rid.

He had absolutely no reason to be jealous, but that didn’t matter.

Your need to control this thread and what’s others say on it, worries me.

Calling out advice that is irresponsible is not needing to control a thread. Anyone is free to say anything they like on a thread and anyone is free to refute it. I think your advice is poor and irresponsible, so I call that out.

Worries you how?
I'm worried op would actually listen to you about this abuser. Is that equally valid to what worries you.

@GilbertMarkham

I believe in allowing a person to make up their own mind regards their own life and decisions.

I’ve written my bit down as others have and it is up to the OP to decide for themselves what feels right by them and for them. Not you. Not me. Not anyone else on this thread.

I’m also not interested in being involved in any sort of slanging match with you or anyone else.

Best regards