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Original poster

When he says "I want to just be friends"

67 replies

harrietrred · 13/09/2019 11:06

So I started seeing a guy who had just came out of a messy divorce.
Really liked each other (or so I thought )
Anyway he ended up telling me he wasn't in the right place for a relationship and "let's be friends"
He's just invited me to a concert next. April ...
So I think he does genuinely want to be friends.
Should I agree and see what happens and if it works out it does...go along with a open mind that we are friends.
I still think there is a spark between us.
Would you go?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 13/09/2019 11:08

Next April! Shock

You could both be married by then (to other people I mean!)

I've no idea what he means but don't put your dating life on hold till April!

Loopytiles · 13/09/2019 11:09

Decline.

Presumably you didn’t date him because you wanted him as a friend; and you have actual friends.

Itsmostlygristlecath · 13/09/2019 11:10

Next April? Sounds like you’re being kept as an option for the future.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 13/09/2019 11:10

Just want to be friends = I'm not attracted to you. Next April? I wouldn't be remotely interested.

Original poster
harrietrred · 13/09/2019 11:14

It's confusing as he did seem really interested and we chat on the phone every day.
Then he invites me to this.
He seemed jealous when I told him I had rejoined POF

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 13/09/2019 11:16

April. 🤣

You're an option.
It sounds like he's investigating another option and wants you there as fallback option.

You're worth more than that and being picked up and put down by someone so mercurial.

PicsInRed · 13/09/2019 11:18

He's jealous because his harem is failing.

He felt like hot stuff when he had a harem and your failure to stop dating and sit on his options bench has offended his ego.

Oysterbabe · 13/09/2019 11:29

Be his friend by all means but put all thoughts that there might be anything romantic between you out of your head and get on with your life.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 13/09/2019 11:32

You can say you're going to go if you want. Then put him out of your mind, knock the "daily chats" on the head and see some other people.

Please don't let him keep you in a holding pattern, where you do endless ego stroking and emotional labour, while he dances around, giving you just enough hope that "there's a spark" but still giving him plausible deniability when you get upset and he says "but I said we were just friends".

Please don't do that. It's such a waste of time, and you're way better than that.

Original poster
harrietrred · 13/09/2019 11:34

I'm also going on a 3 day holiday with him (and 6 other people ) next month.
It's just too weird for my brain to deal with.
I keep thinking next month when we spend time together properly again then things might develop.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 13/09/2019 11:36

Going away with an ex is a bad plan.

He is just keeping you as an option. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, don’t waste your time and energy. If he wanted to date you again he would ask you.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 13/09/2019 11:38

Okay - I'm sure he's about to come in for a hammering, with all this stuff about building a harem, putting you in a holding pattern etc.

But actually - he has been honest with you. He has told you exactly where he stands. He would like to be friends (i.e. no relationship).

Everything else you've said is just your interpretation / wishful thinking - he "seemed jealous"; you think there's a spark etc. Listen to what he's said. He only wants to be friends. Inviting a friend to a gig is consistent with that.

It is up to you whether you want to be just friends. You may, you may not. Either is fine. But he has been decent and honest. You need to listen to him; respect what he has said; and stop trying to second guess it.

gamerchick · 13/09/2019 11:40

It's fine if he wants to be friends. But he doesn't get the bedroom perks either.

So sex is odd the table.

I personally would still go away but see it as a group of friends and definitely no sex. You'll get to see the real him then.

AmIThough · 13/09/2019 11:45

How did you meet?

It does sound like he does just want to be friends - could there be a potential for him to get back with his wife?

Blueoasis · 13/09/2019 11:46

If you would enjoy the event, I'd accept. Don't accept thinking you will be together though by then, accept as a friend. Then keep looking for Mr right. If you find Mr right before April, cancel the invitation and do something with Mr right. This guy isn't treating you right, so I wouldn't treat him right either.

StarlightIntheNight · 13/09/2019 11:47

If a guy just wants to be friends, he is not interested. He might occasionally lead you on and hook up with you etc....but I would cut him off or you will just get hurt.

timshelthechoice · 13/09/2019 11:50

He's not that into you. You are wasting your time if you hang onto him as a 'friend' hoping there will be a relationship (other than sex). He's rebounding, fancies himself a player, c'mon, he's immature and just wants to keep potential fuck buddies sweet. Fuck buddies only work when both of you just want sex.

timshelthechoice · 13/09/2019 11:51

I'd cut him off because you can't 'just be friends' with him. I'm still friends with an old fuck buddy but we were friends before we started shagging and there is zero way I'd have ever wanted to be in a relationship with him but he was great at sex and especially oral.

Pinkbonbon · 13/09/2019 11:53

Bet he still keeps acting like its something more though. Like the other poster said, plausible deniability.

Probably intends to string you along emotionally. Perhaps even sleep with you. But then when you have fallen for him/ask where you stand he'll look at you all shocked face like 'what do you mean? I told you we are just friends'. All about his ego.

On the off chance he does just want to be friends, it doesn't seem you do. So save yourself future heartache and cut contact as soon as possible.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/09/2019 12:02

I think that continuing the amount of contact that you have will just mess with your head and stop you meeting someone. You clearly want a relationship yes??

If so focus on that. He doesn’t. You need to spend less time with him or talking with him
I would decline the April invitation. I’d go away with the group of friends but see it only as friends. If a man is really interested you will know. There won’t be wondering and trying to interpret what he does and says because it will be very clear.

Ginkypig · 13/09/2019 12:15

Do you want to be his friend?

If the answer is yes then be his friend but remember that friends don't have sex.

If you do have sex because that is entirely your choice choice with him remember that he has told you that he is not interested in a relationship so it will just be sex so don't start thinking he might change his mind or if we just spend enough time together etc.

I'm just saying go in with your eyes open and your brain switched on.

If you don't want to be his friend then you don't have to.

Original poster
harrietrred · 13/09/2019 12:16

Yeah I do want him as a boyfriend not a friend.
The trip next month is already paid for now.
I was actually really looking forward to it.
My head is a mess.
One moment he was talking about us romantically then the next he changed his tune and played the friends card.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 13/09/2019 12:20

He doesn't want you as a girlfriend, but he'd be find with shagging you. I'd sell my spot on the holiday or just lose the money because my headspace is more important. It never works when one person wants more and the other just wants to play. Imagine how you feel when he's all over some other woman whilst you are there because you were 'just friends'.

Loopytiles · 13/09/2019 12:21

Your head is only a mess because you’re making some bad decisions.

Presumably you weren’t friends before you dated. He’s not a friend, you would like a full, romantic relationship with him, he doesn’t reciprocate. Having contact and spending time with him is therefore not helpful to you.

How much is the upcoming trip costing, and can you recoup any costs if you pull out?

Loopytiles · 13/09/2019 12:22

It was, for example, a bad decision to date someone just out of a messy divorce, when you wanted someone to have a long term relationship with.

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