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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Pregnant and don’t know how to tell DH.

59 replies

helphelphelp6 · 13/09/2019 10:39

I have just found out I’m pregnant with what would be DC5. It is obviously unplanned, I have had the copper coil since DC4 was three months old. He is now ten and a half months old, still breastfed and I had a c-section so they advised no pregnancy for at least a year. Our other DC are all in KS2 so not tiny but still fairly young. All four of them were very much planned so I’ve never found myself in this situation before and I just don’t know how to tell my DH or how he will react. I only took a test on a whim because I had a couple of odd symptoms, I thought it was in my head but the positive came up straight away. At a guess I’m no more than 4 weeks, it’s hard to tell but I had heavy period style bleeding from the 9th-13th of August.

We said DC4 would be our last. We have a five bedroom home and our seven seater needs one back seat folding down to accommodate the pram and any bags iykwim. We don’t really have space for a fifth and I have only just returned to work PT from mat leave. I agreed to go back PT for one year because I didn’t want to leave baby DS with childminder FT just yet. I teach so my job can be fairly full on times, DH works FT and his job can be stressful too. We have a lot on our plates and were fairly happy bumbling along really, this is a huge curveball.

I’m mumbling and on a tangent because I’m in shock and a little scared. I don’t really want to broach the subject with my two closest friends because one is struggling to conceive and the other had a late miscarriage earlier in the year. I feel this may trigger them in some way hence me asking on here.

I have been frantically googling BPAS and terminations all morning. I think I would need to opt for surgical because the pills failed after a missed miscarriage a couple of years ago and I ended up haemorrhaging and going into shock. I’m so frightened, I honestly don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
FlashAHHHH · 13/09/2019 10:40

How would your DH react? Would he want you to keep it?

helphelphelp6 · 13/09/2019 10:47

I think that is what I’m most afraid of, his reaction. I’ve never had an unplanned pregnancy before so I just don’t know how he would react at all. I don’t want any negative tension between us, I guess I’m worried it may cause a rift.

I don’t think he would want to keep it but I’m not sure. He was supposed to have a vasectomy after DC4 was born but he backed out after the initial consultation because we ‘might consider one more in a few years time’ so I just got the coil.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 13/09/2019 10:48

I think you need to tell DH. If you do decide not to go ahead with this pregnancy he'll know about the decision, so best to include him from the start. Then all's clear between you.

I say that because in your shoes I'd be instantly tempted to terminate and keep it to myself (so as if it just hadn't happened) but a moment's thought told me I'd never be able to keep that sort of secret and I don't expect many people would either.

DementorsKiss · 13/09/2019 10:49

I think you need to get to the doctors pretty quickly if you have a coil & are pregnant

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 13/09/2019 10:49

Besides which, it would be wrong (in case I wasn't clear).

helphelphelp6 · 13/09/2019 10:54

@prawnofthepatriarchy

That was my first instinct too. I looked into the closest BPAS clinic and thought of ways I could do it behind his back. I’d have to book a day off work which wouldn’t look great having just gone back, leave DS with the CM and go get it all done. I don’t think that is doable if I chose surgical though, I wouldn’t be able to drive myself home for example. I think surgical would be the safest option for me given the history with the MMC that’s all.

Now I say all of that, I realise it’s pretty bonkers and I do need to tell him.

OP posts:
Alabasterangel6 · 13/09/2019 10:55

What dementor said.

I don’t want to worry you but with a coil you have a much increased chance of an ectopic. You also then have to decide quickly what to do if it isn’t ectopic. If the IUD remains you are very likely to have a pre-term birth or problem. Taking it out carries risk to the fetus. All these are relevant whatever your decision over proceeding is.

So you need to speak to your DH and your GP fairly quickly.

Good luck in whatever you choose.

AmIThough · 13/09/2019 10:58

Do you definitely not want another or are you undecided?
If you're not sure either way, definitely speak to DH ASAP and see what he thinks. He could be a massive help.

If you're not 100% one way or the other, I can't imagine his reaction upsetting you.

Pinkbonbon · 13/09/2019 11:00

Its your body so its your decision. I understand the thought of a surgical procedure is scary but I'm sure its a walk in the park in comparison to childbirth!

You go 'hey hubby, bad news, I'm up the duff! Don't worry, I'll book the clinic. Could you come with me for a handhold though'. Make it clear you've made the choice already and just need some emotional support going through with things.

timshelthechoice · 13/09/2019 11:03

Please ring your GP surgery now if you are pregnant with a coil in place. It is possible your coil fell out during your heavy period but you need to be sure you don't have an ectopic pregnancy.

helphelphelp6 · 13/09/2019 11:07

Thank you for the advice RE coil, I didn’t even consider it! I have just phoned the GP’s and the receptionist said a registrar will call me back within an hour.

My last period was ridiculously heavy involving a fair amount of clots so I suppose it could have fallen out. I can’t feel the strings anymore. I should have checked them more regularly I suppose, last time I checked was about two months ago and they were there.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 13/09/2019 11:08

You could just say "DH, I'm pregnant. I'm inclined to terminate. What do you think?"

If he is clearly relieved (as seems likely) you're on the same page. But at least you've given him a voice. Obviously the decision is ultimately yours but it seems a bit high handed to just hand him a fait accompli.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/09/2019 11:09

I don’t think he would want to keep it but I’m not sure. He was supposed to have a vasectomy after DC4 was born but he backed out after the initial consultation because we ‘might consider one more in a few years time’ so I just got the coil.

You wrote that, and then that you were contemplating having an abortion without telling him. Is your fear that he would want to go ahead?

No judgement, just talking it through might help you understand how you feel a bit.

TokyoSushi · 13/09/2019 11:09

Oh OP, what a dilemma, but it will all work out, whatever you decide FlowersFlowers

helphelphelp6 · 13/09/2019 11:11

@Pinkbonbon the surgery doesn’t scare me too much, I had two missed miscarriages so have had the surgery twice now and it was fine. The medical management was frightening for me and life threatening so I think I would have to choose surgery for that reason alone.

I’m almost 100% on a termination being the best thing for all of us. We currently do our best to offer all four of them 1:1 time and I think we were fairly fortunate with DC4 in that he’s an easy going quiet baby. He has slotted into our family life well and the older DC’s lives haven’t been affected. I just fear we wouldn’t be so lucky with another child.

OP posts:
helphelphelp6 · 13/09/2019 11:14

I don’t think I fear that he would want to go ahead with it. I’m mostly just worried he will react negatively in some way and it will cause some sort of tension. I know it sounds quite pathetic, I just hate negative vibes. We’ve been plodding along quite nicely and I don’t want to rock the boat so to speak.

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 13/09/2019 11:17

You didn't plan this. You didn't go behind his back to conceive. There are two of you involved here. Talk to you husband. He might be surprised but there is no reason for him to be angry.
You have 4 kids together already. You've discussed vasectomy vs coil already. This is just another discussion for you both as a couple.

AmIThough · 13/09/2019 11:18

Just tell him the facts. You're pregnant and think you should terminate as it's not the best thing for your family at this moment in time.

I don't think you should terminate secretly.

toffeeapple123 · 13/09/2019 11:33

Why are you hesitating telling him? What’s your worry?

ArthurMorgan · 13/09/2019 11:42

As pp have said, you really need to get to the doctor as you're pregnant with the coil, don't wait around to do that. My sil very nearly died from an ectopic. (I'm not trying to be over dramatic or scare you op..)

Pinkbonbon · 13/09/2019 11:44

Negatively how? As in, blame you for getting pregnant?

...yeah I'd be nervous to find out my partner was a c*nt too...

helphelphelp6 · 13/09/2019 12:22

The registrar phoned and booked me in for Monday, I mentioned I couldn’t feel the strings and he said it may have fallen out which does happen sometimes. Said not to hesitate if I have any bleeding or pain and get to A&E. I haven’t had any bleeding or pain so far so fingers crossed it’s not ectopic...

I don’t actually know what I’m afraid of. He’s not a cunt! I doubt he’ll be a twat about it, I just don’t want any negative tension really. It’s an unexpected curveball I guess, I don’t know how he’s going to react so I think that’s what I’m afraid of, it’s just the unknown.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 13/09/2019 12:24

It'll be fine then! Bite the bullet. Do it when neither of you are rushing about and there's time to sit n talk it through. If you can find that time with 4 kids about lol.

PepsiLola · 13/09/2019 12:24

I think you are probably getting yourself more worked up than you need to, tell DH rather than guessing his reaction Thanks

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 13/09/2019 12:41

I wouldn't be surprised if PepsiLola wasn't right. Just think how relieved you'll feel if you talk to DH and he wholeheartedly supports your decision. Things will feel so much better.

Does he have form for making a bad atmosphere? Are you apprehensive for good reason?