Completely infatuated with uni tutor

[user1496231209]

Firstly in no way am I going to make any kind of move while I'm his student as I know how inappropriate that would be

I'm a 2nd year and I have a new uni tutor who I fancy the pants off. He's not my usual type at all, and he's 12 years old than me although I am a mature student at 26. I know he's single through conversation and whenever we've had tutorial there's been insane eye contact and laughing etc where it usually veers off into other subjects

He'll email me on the weekend/late at night in response to my emails or just to check in to see how I am with things. When we talk I almost forget I'm a student and he's my tutor as we talk 'freely' if you like where we don't worry about the occasional swear word etc

After a email conversation with the course leader where he made a mistake he emailed me directly after laughing about how he told me he was always f*cking things up and how it was great to chat that day

Has anyone else had this before? How the hell do you be professional as such when you've got this kind of Crush?

Has anyone else had this before?

I'm very sorry to tell you this, but only just about all of us have experienced uni tutors sending what we could politely call mixed signals. It cheers up life for them, isn't so bad for their ego to know 'still got it' with the latest intake.

I went through the same, although at a younger age than so so did not recognise it for what it was at the time. Only after several years of further degrees and so time spent in academia & of course conversations with others did I get to see it for what it is.

By all means enjoy a little harmless flirtation.

Preserve your self esteem by seeing it for what it is. Don't make any life changing decisions as a result of mistaking it for the grand passion of your life.

Enjoy your course and all the opportunities that open up as a result.

if you keep it to yourselves!

Here is an example of what I mean by maintaining your self esteem. Pick partners who do not have to keep your relationship a little secret.

No need to flaunt a relationship but equally if you are in a relationship, own it. If he needs to keep quiet about you, there is something wrong somewhere.

Thank you! It's a relief to know as I thought omg I'm an adult and I've got a bloody full on school girl crush. It's ridiculous and I know it's ridiculous although part of me would be overjoyed if he felt the same.

I think it's forbidden due to power dynamics or something along those lines? Although it seems slightly ridiculous to me as I'm not exactly a young girl haha

The policy may vary institution by institution, but I am pretty sure he could get in trouble for pursuing anything with you because ultimately, he is in a position of power in your relationship with him. Stay away for both of your sakes!

I'm definitely going to stay away for both of our sakes I just find it a nightmare 😂 it's so bizarre as usually he would be NOTHING like my usual type in the slightest like I wouldn't glance twice

But since we've been conversing etc I've just completely fallen. Must stay professional!

I have seen this countless times. Men like this are ten-a-penny in academia; they constantly have to have at least one student they’re trying to bed. What most of us see as an abuse of power, they regard as simply a perk of the job.

Do not go there. It will piss off your fellow students, who’ll be complaining that he’s showing you favouritism and doing your work for you. He won’t be allowed to mark your work, and the other tutors will be annoyed at having to deal with the fallout. His career will proceed nicely, regardless, but you’ll be left struggling to get a reference from his colleagues.

This what @GCAcademic said

Highly unprofessional of him, with potential for power imbalances, conflicts of interest and potentially, accusations of harassment or bias. Where I work this should be reported and the member of staff should have no involvement in your assessment.

Unfortunately where I work there are also a number of males (always males, oddly enough) who have a reputation for this. Sleazebags. Avoid avoid avoid.

Here’s a big little secret, most men fancy nearly all women 10 years younger than them. I am truly amazed how many women are flattered by pure biology.

Also if he’s good looking he will know it and how to play this out to give him an ego boost or more. Stay clear out of it for your own sake.

Check out your uni website there will be official policy on this type of behaviour.
I know this be cause my best friends stbxh picked her up as a student and has just replaced her with his research assistant!

He sounds inappropriate. This wouldn’t have been tolerated where I studied.

I think it muddies the waters, rather. Your tutor is in a position of power which means he should maintain a professional distance. It wouldn’t look impressive to his colleagues not to those who are his superiors.
I also think men like this are creepy. Grow up and steer clear.

...nor to those...

Is he not allowed a relationship with you then?

Not if he is assessing your work.

Most institutions will expect such relationships to be declared and the academic to recuse themselves from assessing the student. Obviously this is a massive pain in the arse for others so it is not appreciated. So most of these things go on in that way of an 'open secret' which generally seems to have a worse impact on the student's reputation than the academic's.

I would wait and see what happens life's to short if you like each other then why not

Just to be clear nothing has happened between us and tbh it's probably just him being friendly and he could be the same with everyone. It's just because I have this crush that I'm looking into things a little too much.

Not sure why I'm being told to 'grow up' when I've not acted on any of my feelings 🤷🏻‍♀️

He will have done this before and you will be one in the line somewhere.

Just to be clear nothing has happened between us and tbh it's probably just him being friendly and he could be the same with everyone

Er, no. From what you’ve described in your OP, this is not professional behaviour on his part. I doubt that he’s interacting with male students in this way, or that your female tutors are similarly “friendly”.

Are you 26 or 16?

Just get on with your university work- and I hope it may teach you to be less silly.

He will have a few like you on the go. They always do.

I don't understand why so many of you are being so nasty. Attraction can happen for genuine reasons, for goodness sake. And even if it doesnt, the OP is hardly a minor - she can make her own decisions too.

OP, I understand. What's not to like about an attractive, intelligent man who teaches you and seems interested in you. From that you tell me, I'm pretty sure he fancies you too - but that doesn't mean he doesn't fancy others as well, or that he wants to pursue something serious with you. I think you understand that.

As others have said, relationships between university tutors and their students are badly frowned upon - they're not forbidden exactly but they have to be declared. However, they happen all the time and sometimes they end well. There can absolutely be genuine attraction and love between tutors and students, but it's an ethical minefield and most academics would leave that kind of attraction in the fantasy realm.

"Check out your uni website there will be official policy on this type of behaviour."

So she should report him for sexual harassment? I don't think he's done anything wrong going by her description. But any romantic relationship would be very inappropriate, even if not against any rules. Maybe OP could make up some excuse and get a different tutor.

Orangepearl

He will have done this before and you will be one in the line somewhere.

You have just ruined the lovely little dweam. I also think the OP is suffering from a case of mentionitis.

Wow. No need to be nasty. OP has done nothing wrong.
Your tutor sounds like a former colleague of mine. He would make comments about female students' looks, wolf whistle when certain names were mentioned...
And generally make crude and sexist jokes.
I wouldn't be surprised if he had flirted with some students although I heard nothing of the sort.
He could also be very charming and pleasant to talk to.
I know you are not a teenager, but if a man like that can appear charming, in spite of his flaws, to an older woman like me, married with kids, I dread to think how attractive he must seem to students.
I am very glad he is an ex colleague.

My point being, be careful. He may well be flirting and enjoying the attention, and it is unlikely that you are the only woman he plays with.
It is all a pathetic game to some people.
Now if he is genuinely interested in you, he will need to find a more appropriate way of approaching this.