Completely infatuated with uni tutor

[user1496231209]

Firstly in no way am I going to make any kind of move while I'm his student as I know how inappropriate that would be

I'm a 2nd year and I have a new uni tutor who I fancy the pants off. He's not my usual type at all, and he's 12 years old than me although I am a mature student at 26. I know he's single through conversation and whenever we've had tutorial there's been insane eye contact and laughing etc where it usually veers off into other subjects

He'll email me on the weekend/late at night in response to my emails or just to check in to see how I am with things. When we talk I almost forget I'm a student and he's my tutor as we talk 'freely' if you like where we don't worry about the occasional swear word etc

After a email conversation with the course leader where he made a mistake he emailed me directly after laughing about how he told me he was always f*cking things up and how it was great to chat that day

Has anyone else had this before? How the hell do you be professional as such when you've got this kind of Crush?

All my tutors have sworn around me and I’m not a mature student, they’ve also emailed me out of office hours and said it was good to chat - they’re just being polite

Yes, he seems to be merely being polite and friendly. We can't tell if he actually trying to flirt with her or not. Although it seems many here have decided he must be a creep earnestly trying to sleep with her, and of course he does the same with every younger woman he gets in his grasp.

@Scott72 Check out your uni website there will be official policy on this type of behaviour."

Not to report for harassment but the ones I've read clearly explain the reasons why this is not professional behaviour and is helpful if the OP is wondering why this is frowned upon.

You fancy him because he is my tutor. When I was a tutor people fancied me in higher numbers. If he is adult he will realise this and leave you alone. It's a bit yuck...it's the power imbalance. Also against his professional regs and he could get fired. For good reason...he has to grade your work!! Steer clear

Not to report for harassment but the ones I've read clearly explain the reasons why this is not professional behaviour and is helpful if the OP is wondering why this is frowned upon.

Can you point me to an example? My institution and others I've worked for steer clear of publicly stipulating what is appropriate behaviour in terms of staff-student relationships.

Also against his professional regs and he could get fired.

No he won't. I have seen male academics get away with this time and time again. There was even a case at Sussex where a tutor not only had a relationship with a student but beat her up (found guilty in a criminal court) and he still kept his job.

The point is surely most lecturers know what is appropriate conduct. It does not have to be spelled out. Those who do not gain a reputation and it not for the quality of their research. Word gets around inevitably and they are regarded as figures of fun.

...who do not, gain

www.arcs.qmul.ac.uk/media/arcs/policyzone/academic/Relationships-between-Staff-and-Students-Policy.pdf

@GCAcademic www.arcs.qmul.ac.uk/media/arcs/policyzone/academic/Relationships-between-Staff-and-Students-Policy.pdf apologies forgot to tag you. Section in the guidance explaining power.

Presumably he’s not your tutor anymore though? Unless you’ve got him again this year for a different module? If he’s not actually teaching you then I don’t see why he isn’t fair game. Bear in mind that flirty tutors are very common and he may not have a special interest in you specifically.

Thanks, Grim, that's really interesting. There was a very nasty situation where I work some years ago, and the university thought about having a policy, but ultimately didn't. So it's interesting to see that other universities do.

@GCAcademic yep I was surprised myself but then I think if there are transparent and published policies then everyone one knows what's expected.
I'm sure I've read another one somewhere about relationships between academics/staff etc, where HoDs had to be notified...

Think it's a bit harsh for so many people to assume he is a sleaze when OP HAS THE CRUSH!!! God ladies...all men are not harassers!! OP has a crush. She errrrr SAID THAT IN THE ORIGINAL POST. OP leave poor guy to do his job. I have been there...students fancying you is toe curling. HE HAS TO GRADE YOUR PAPERS

From the OP:
whenever we've had tutorial there's been insane eye contact and laughing etc where it usually veers off into other subjects

See above.

I have had adult students think I am flirting when I'm just doing my job too... people with 'insane crushes' can misinterpret things quite a lot!!

How do you know? Have they actually told you that?

Haha yes. It had to be dealt with. I'm not one for getting excited over, or imagining, bloody annoying adult students fancying me. It happens. Due to the situation. It's not flattering nor is it convenient.

Are you a woman?

Yes but I have seen this happen to male tutors a lot too. It is the power imbalance...makes your students think you are more attractive and more interested whereas they mainly don't think that way about their students at ALL.. just trying to warn the OP how common these crushes are...and usually best laughed off... as the tutor is likely just trying to do his job :s

He's not being friendly, he's acting inappropriately and massaging his own ego. He needs to check his professional boundaries. There's nothing flattering about his behaviour - the age gap flatters him not you.

There is quite a lot of fantasising when it comes to uni tutors, you are reading “He'll email me on the weekend/late at night in response to my emails or just to check in to see how I am with things.“

When the only thing he is doing is working late at night doing his job.

Believe me, dating a student is the academic equivalent of incest, he can also be reprimanded or fired, so lower those hopes, he is not leading you on.

In higher education it’s a bit frowned on for tutors to have relationships with students, but it absolutely happens! If he were seriously interested in you he should declare that and not teach you or assess your work, OP. As is, he’s clearly flirting and you seem to be enjoying it. Fine, but be careful. There is a power imbalance and if it gets awkward between you, it has the potential to become unpleasant. I’d feel a bit uncomfortable with the late night messages to see I was ‘ok’. If he’s genuinely attracted to you, he should be open about it in a way that allows you to make decisions about what to do next. If he is just flirting, he’s being rather unprofessional.

IdiotinDisguise Personally I may mark students’ assignments at any old hour of the night but I certainly wouldn’t email them - it sends very mixed messages.

@craftycorvid, We have the same rule in my uni, and the technology to keep the emails on hold until working hours.

Having said that, my previous university didn’t have anything like that. So it doesn’t surprise even if I can understand it can send the wrong message.

It can work out though...It did for me
My dh was my uni lecturer!!!