DM used me as a financial crutch and where to go from here

[CassetteTapes]

I posted about this a few months ago and got almost unanimous YANBU. I have now raised my issues with my DM and am at a loss at where to go from here. I’ll try and do a rundown without this being too long:

My parents divorced in my late teens and when I was 20 my mum put me under duress to buy her council house with her. I’m an only child. My dad had been extremely abusive alcoholic and I was at a crossroads in life at that point, only earning 10k in a retail job so not really in a good position. However she promised me that we would sell the house in 5 years and split the proceeds - I trusted her and as a hopeful yet skint 20 year old on min wage I thought that it would work out ok.

After a year, I got a much better paying shift work job and I moved out to flat share with friends. This was partly to be closer to work for the earlies and lates, but also because my mum and I were not getting on too well and at 21 I needed to get out. She did not want me to go, I promised to still pay half the mortgage as we were tied in, but She gave me a hard time and in the end I agreed to pay half the mortgage plus another £125 per month on top towards her bills. She was working full time in a decent job and with maturity I now see that this was crazy and almost as though I was paying maintenance to my own mother.

I paid this money diligently and faithfully without missing a payment for the entire 5 years. Obviously I also had my own rent and bills to pay on top. Halfway through at the age of 23 I moved in with now DH and had my DS. We struggled for money during this time and I had to take a short mat leave. My mum asked me for extra money for home improvements twice, citing that i had to pay because it was my investment too and I would benefit when the house was sold. It was hard to pay the extra and at one point I was selling my old toys from the 80s to make the payments to her.

Finally the 5 years were up, DS was 18 months old and money was very tight as we were paying £700 a month childcare, I’d had to take a promotion for extra income which was exhausting me. DH also had a son who was very ill at this time so we were going through a stressful time. Sadly my mum said she had changed her mind on selling the house and said she wouldn’t do it as she couldn’t afford to buy elsewhere. This put me in an extremely stressed situation as I did not know how I could continue paying her the £350 per month without being on the breadline.

Eventually her partner offered to buy me out of my share which I felt I had no choice but to accept, he added up all my payments over the 5 years and added another £2k on top, this was the final offer and they said they could afford no more. It was all done officially and I remember the man at the mortgage company looking at me intently and saying “are you sure?” At the time I was grateful to get my money back in a lump sum during my time of need. But effectively I gifted my mum’s DP a fairly large amount of equity. My mum used to say that he would pay me some more money one day but those promises dwindled off, as he bought new cars and things like that.

Fast forward 11 years and they are getting ready to retire with lots of investments, which it turns out they have been building for years. My mum talks about her money all the time. I don’t need the money now, DH and I do ok so it’s not about that. I am deeply hurt that I have been used like a loan (when I couldn’t afford it). I am hurt that my mum pulled the rug out from under me at my time of need, and then sat back and watched me sign over my equity to her partner, when all the while she had money in the bank.

I have told her how I feel and obviously it has blown up, she was crying and apologetic at first but has switched since to very defensive and keeps saying that they have not profited. She is now putting several thousand in my children’s ISAs. She says that I or the kids will inherit the house anyway in the future. I appreciate all those things and I see that she wants the issue to be done and dusted, so I am trying to patch things as best I can. I don’t want any money.

But I still feel so hurt and my self worth has taken a real knock. I had to put aside all my travelling dreams that I had when I was 20 in order to pay all that, and now I’ve realised that none of it really need to happen. I am a little bit scared of what will happen the next time I see her DP as he has form for a bad temper. So far all I’ve had from him is a crappy text saying No Comment in any of it.
I keep thinking back to when I had my DS - she didn’t even come to the hospital to see us, her first grandchild, and I was handing over all that money each month. I just feel so very wounded, like my needs (and her grandchild’s needs) have never mattered to her.

I am NC with my dad also due to his abuse, and an only child. There’s no other family member I can talk to. My DH is supportive and also horrified at what happened, I did not really bother him much with it all at the time as his son was so unwell. How can this repair?

You can't change the past

It was your choice to enter into the financial payments with your DM for several years

You agreed to be bought out of the property & you agreed a price

At that point a line should have been drawn

Suggest concentrate on your own finances & family
Pay into an employee pension
Save an emergency fund
Save for your children

If you are looking for an apology from your DM, it probably won't happen.

Because you entered into those choices

Everyone has choices to make in life

I have drawn a line under it, in that the deal is done with no further money payable. I have pensions and savings. In fact I’m (unhealthily) neurotic about money now as I’ve realised that you only have yourself to rely on.

As I say, it’s my self worth that is suffering at the moment.

You have your own family who you would never treat like your DM treated you. We can't change people, sadly.

Think about the luxury travelling you can do when you're retired!

Could you afford some private counseling? To have a neutral party to discuss it with might be helpful in processing those feelings. Obviously it may affect the relationship you have with your mother moving forward- that is fine and the issue cannot just be swept under the rug and ignored. Forgiveness takes time.

Your DM has financially exploited you for a very long time, and of course you have every right to feel upset and angry about it. I am guessing that if she handed you a large cheque which put things right in financial terms, you would still feel hurt and those feelings are really important. It may be too late for her to undo the damage.

I said in my OP that she was apologetic at first. She said she knows she’s been a shit parent, which I did not agree with.

Thanks for your advice, it’s been very helpful.

As in you felt like you couldn't agree that she was shit because of her potential reaction or you think she has good qualities that make up for the money stuff?

She doesn't sound great to me but I don't know her so would be delighted to be wrong!

Thank you for the gentler responses
I’m just starting counselling to explore how I can move forward. Stupidly mentioned this to my mum and she is pressuring me to cancel it, I think she doesn’t want people to know about this.

I am absolutely adamant that I won’t take any money, even if it was offered, like a pp said, it doesn’t change the past. My time of need was 11 years ago. I know I’ve people-pleased and complied to my parents too much, to the point they think I have no needs of my own.

Hmmm, NameChangeforthiscancershit I think I softened when she apologised and said she was a shit parent, because that can’t have been an easy thing for her to admit. She is ok generally, but if I do something that isn’t compliant with what she wants, she takes it as a rejection.

Yeah not even a little bit surprised that your mum doesn't want you to talk to a counsellor

Honestly! She knows she did wrong and she is burying it busily!

Definitely go to the counsellor and dont talk to your DM about it until you have processed events, considered your future relationship with her and practiced what to say. She doesn't care what she did as much as not wanting people to find out. She has used you to fund her lifestyle and then bragged about all she had amassed. I am also very concerned about your comments about her partner. She shouldn't be allowing her DP to be abusive to you. That's not ok either. I think you need to really consider what you get out of contact with her.

From what you've said it sounds like she may be a narcissist. And if she is it is very you have as little to do with her as possible and you could do with some counselling.

Counseling could really help you. You might need to practice some responses if your mum criticises you about it, it's none of her business and her opinion is not relevant. She will feel uncomfortable about it, but that's entirely her problem. Don't justify it to her, just tell her it's none of her bui.

She shafted you, no wonder you are upset. She is defensive because she knows it and it masks her guilt.

However, you can't change the past. It would very much shape my relationship with her if I was you. She can't be trusted.

Thank you, I agree that I may have to go LC at least for a time. It’s hard because my DC won’t have anyone on my side of the family then. Hopefully counselling will help. She’s putting a few thousand away for my children and that’s nice, it still seems like a bit of a kick to me though... like they are more deserving? I don’t mean that to come across selfish - more like she feels like I have to do all the giving in life and that’s all I’m worth whereas others are allowed to receive.

My dad is an addict and manipulated me for my whole life. I witnessed him take an overdose when I was 17 and he spent the next 20 years holding it over me, he got me to buy him drugs, sneak painkillers into hospital etc and I just complied with everything because he would threaten to kill himself and I was scared. I finally went NC when he started threatening in front of my son.

I have been conditioned to be heavily compliant to my parents and it’s seeped into all areas of my life. I’m an utter doormat. It’s embarrassing really!

Thanks for all your kind words.

Your mother used you and took advantage of you financially. The fact that she did not even bother to come to see you when you had your baby says a lot.

If someone who wasn't your mother treated you like this I am sure you would have no hesitation in telling them exactly where to go. It is even worse that this person is your mother.

Please go to counselling and take time for yourself. Your mother has really shown that she is a cold and manipulative person so while I understand your concerns about your children not having anyone other than you and your partners family, she doesn't really sound like she would be a great influence or addition to your childrens lives anyway.

Good luck with everything. Don't let her make you feel worthless. She should be ashamed of herself and the way she is acting now shows that she knows that.

Please go to counselling, and learn to value yourself.

And you know what? It's not too late to travel. Revisit the dreams you had when you were young, and think about how you could make them happen now. Perhaps plan a few family holidays to somewhere you really want to go, a cruise with childcare facilities, maybe even find work abroad for a few years. Honestly, it's not too late now - and it's a really great way of sticking two imaginary fingers up in BOTH your neglectful parents' directions and saying "I matter, my family matters, and WE are going to live our lives to the fullest and you can go to hell"

She’s putting a few thousand away for my children and that’s nice

I am afraid I would not trust that will happen given her track record.

Your mother took advantage of you but you were an adult when this happened.

I wonder why your husband's allowed you to sign over your half of the house without any advice? Did he provide any support for dealing with your mother and the financial strain she put you under?

If you had an outsider perspective, you may have been more stronger to have dealt with it when it was happening.

I wouldnt trust anything that comes out of her mouth and I don't think she has any intentions of putting money away for your kids. This is just manipulative tactics to keep you sweet and justify her appalling behaviour.

She's your mother biologically but she doesn't behave like a mother so you don't have to keep treating her like a good daughter. Always have as your benchmark whether you would ever treat your children like that.

She is toxic and has deliberately not even made any effort to see you when you gave birth. That was a clearly done to upset you. She made you struggle financially when you were young and starting out in life and when you were struggling when yoid had a child when she had plenty of money and then in effect gave it all to her new dp. Everything she does is sending a clear message to you and it is almost statistically using you and your emotions as a sport, because she doesn't need you.

I think that once you speak to a counsellor many more examples of her toxic behaviour will surface . You sound like an amazing person and I hope you get help to disengage from her. Concentrate on your kids and husband - they're your family. Sharing DNA doesn't mean that you have to be shackled to them if they behave like that.

I've spent a lifetime feeling angry at the poor treatment I've had from my mother and it's made me I'll. I'm moving hundreds of miles away from her as I feel I need to be somewhere else. I'm going to try and make a different life for myself.
You expect better standards from your mother but sometimes they don't live up to our expectations.
I know I definitely need counselling to move on and try and sort out my deep rooted feelings of rejection and disappointment in her.
I'm hoping it works as it has blighted my life. I gone you do something similar OP before it blights yours also.

Thanks all, your kind messages have really moved me. It’s all come to a head tonight and I’ve had to block her. She was messaging me that she doesn’t want to be alive because of all this. I feel that it’s a step too far, she knows that I was treated for PTSD for witnessing my dad’s suicide attempt when I was a teenager and I still struggle with triggers. She took me to see him while he was sectioned which was traumatic for me also. She also knows that my grandfather committed suicide. Where does it end? I can’t even advocate for myself without being told I’m responsible for one of my parents wanting to die. This is why I have felt I had to be this ultra-compliant daughter.

I am very nervous about what her DP will do when they realise I’ve blocked her. He is a skilled martial artist and there’s been a couple of times in the past when he has bragged about attacking random people. One Christmas Eve he came back from the co-op and said that he’d got a woman in a headlock for stealing a bottle of wine from the shop. Another time he said he had just attacked an old man in the park because his dog had tripped him over. We aren’t sure if he is just saying these things to ‘warn’ us of what he’s capable of, or whether he’s actually done them. Needless to say we stopped the children going there unsupervised around 6 years ago because of this. He doesn’t come across as a yob, he’s very well-to-do. You wouldn’t think he’s capable of violence but he might be!

To the PP who wondered why my DH didn’t have more say when I signed the house over... it was because DSS was very ill with leukaemia at that time and DH was either at work or at great ormond street. I was just under lots of pressure doing all the budgeting and childcare for toddler DS plus working in a new job and didn’t really involve him in anything, I just felt it was a bind that is gotten in and had to get out of it.

You’re right to block her.

She’s not thinking of anyone but herself

Protect yourself, protect your family and just leave her to it.

Never allow yourself to be sucked back in, for any reason

Don’t allow her to ever guilt you about caring for her in the future- she certainly never cared enough about you when you were in her care!

Feel no guilt - you've been horribly used and now abused by her and her vile dp.

Huge hug, I know what you’re feeling and it’s crap, it hurts, but you have to be clinical here.

Sorry you're going through this.

Low contact is your best way forward, and never give her any wedge into your vulnerabilities.

Thank you all very much, you’ve helped.