DM used me as a financial crutch and where to go from here

[CassetteTapes]

I posted about this a few months ago and got almost unanimous YANBU. I have now raised my issues with my DM and am at a loss at where to go from here. I’ll try and do a rundown without this being too long:

My parents divorced in my late teens and when I was 20 my mum put me under duress to buy her council house with her. I’m an only child. My dad had been extremely abusive alcoholic and I was at a crossroads in life at that point, only earning 10k in a retail job so not really in a good position. However she promised me that we would sell the house in 5 years and split the proceeds - I trusted her and as a hopeful yet skint 20 year old on min wage I thought that it would work out ok.

After a year, I got a much better paying shift work job and I moved out to flat share with friends. This was partly to be closer to work for the earlies and lates, but also because my mum and I were not getting on too well and at 21 I needed to get out. She did not want me to go, I promised to still pay half the mortgage as we were tied in, but She gave me a hard time and in the end I agreed to pay half the mortgage plus another £125 per month on top towards her bills. She was working full time in a decent job and with maturity I now see that this was crazy and almost as though I was paying maintenance to my own mother.

I paid this money diligently and faithfully without missing a payment for the entire 5 years. Obviously I also had my own rent and bills to pay on top. Halfway through at the age of 23 I moved in with now DH and had my DS. We struggled for money during this time and I had to take a short mat leave. My mum asked me for extra money for home improvements twice, citing that i had to pay because it was my investment too and I would benefit when the house was sold. It was hard to pay the extra and at one point I was selling my old toys from the 80s to make the payments to her.

Finally the 5 years were up, DS was 18 months old and money was very tight as we were paying £700 a month childcare, I’d had to take a promotion for extra income which was exhausting me. DH also had a son who was very ill at this time so we were going through a stressful time. Sadly my mum said she had changed her mind on selling the house and said she wouldn’t do it as she couldn’t afford to buy elsewhere. This put me in an extremely stressed situation as I did not know how I could continue paying her the £350 per month without being on the breadline.

Eventually her partner offered to buy me out of my share which I felt I had no choice but to accept, he added up all my payments over the 5 years and added another £2k on top, this was the final offer and they said they could afford no more. It was all done officially and I remember the man at the mortgage company looking at me intently and saying “are you sure?” At the time I was grateful to get my money back in a lump sum during my time of need. But effectively I gifted my mum’s DP a fairly large amount of equity. My mum used to say that he would pay me some more money one day but those promises dwindled off, as he bought new cars and things like that.

Fast forward 11 years and they are getting ready to retire with lots of investments, which it turns out they have been building for years. My mum talks about her money all the time. I don’t need the money now, DH and I do ok so it’s not about that. I am deeply hurt that I have been used like a loan (when I couldn’t afford it). I am hurt that my mum pulled the rug out from under me at my time of need, and then sat back and watched me sign over my equity to her partner, when all the while she had money in the bank.

I have told her how I feel and obviously it has blown up, she was crying and apologetic at first but has switched since to very defensive and keeps saying that they have not profited. She is now putting several thousand in my children’s ISAs. She says that I or the kids will inherit the house anyway in the future. I appreciate all those things and I see that she wants the issue to be done and dusted, so I am trying to patch things as best I can. I don’t want any money.

But I still feel so hurt and my self worth has taken a real knock. I had to put aside all my travelling dreams that I had when I was 20 in order to pay all that, and now I’ve realised that none of it really need to happen. I am a little bit scared of what will happen the next time I see her DP as he has form for a bad temper. So far all I’ve had from him is a crappy text saying No Comment in any of it.
I keep thinking back to when I had my DS - she didn’t even come to the hospital to see us, her first grandchild, and I was handing over all that money each month. I just feel so very wounded, like my needs (and her grandchild’s needs) have never mattered to her.

I am NC with my dad also due to his abuse, and an only child. There’s no other family member I can talk to. My DH is supportive and also horrified at what happened, I did not really bother him much with it all at the time as his son was so unwell. How can this repair?

You’re not contesting what happened with the house, though - you know it was done and dusted. So a solicitor makes no odds - let her get one if she wants but they’ll either a) tell her there’s nothing they can do or b) write to you to advise you of ... something at which point you can send a letter back saying you do not contest what happened in the past.

Send her one message, advising her you need some space at the moment. Then block and ignore for a while.

I am sorry this happened and would feels similarly to you in these circumstances. I think when you have children of your own with the realisation that you would do anything possible to make their lives easier, that the shock and disbelief at what your mother did hits you properly. Hope a trained counsellor can help you with your feelings about this.

I remember reading your original thread OP I thought it was absolutely despicable how your mother and later her partner behaved towards you. And good on you for bringing it up and making her accountable for her terrible exploitation of you. That's why she's acting like she is now trying to buy her way out of it by paying into your children's ISA. I don't mean to sound harsh OP but I think you're better off going NC or at least very LC with her because even now her main concern is people finding out not trying to somehow repair the damage she has done. Please don't listen to her go for some counselling it'll help you start dealing with what's happened and hopefully give you some peace of mind. Don't budge one inch for your mother she doesn't deserve it, in fact OP think of it like this, wish her every happiness in future with her money because then it will just serve to remind her how she got it and that it cost her the only family she has, think how tainted that money would be to her now because all she has is money she got from exploiting her only child and the only person she has now has is nothing more than a bully boy who left his wife for her hardly someone to trust from the sounds of things wouldn't surprise me if he does to your mum what he did to his wife. So you're best off out of this toxic pair's lives. Focus on you and your family OP fuck the pair of them they aren't worth the energy wishing you all the best for the future

Your mother is a sociopath. She isn't going to go to a solicitor. You should have gone and seen one before signing the house over; however, she manipulated her.

Not having her in your son's life is not going to hurt him.

Be prepared for a lot of feelings to come out of counselling.

Your mother is just trying to control you, rocking up at your house uninvited, the dramatics. It's behaviour that shows she is losing control.

When I went low contact with a family member, something similar happened. However, saying 'no' was liberating. Being released from the drama and dysfunction really helped me.

manipulated you not manipulated her.

I really feel for you, OP. It is so hard when you have been brought up to feel responsible for a parent's feelings (and finances). Please do not let your mother talk you out of going to therapy. Therapy really helped me and will probably be very beneficial for you too. I'd advise against discussing anything said in therapy with your mother as it will be denied and turned back against you. If you choose to go no contact (and it sounds like that is what you need at the moment) then please try not to feel guilty (you will but hopefully feelings of relief will prevail). It is your mother's behaviour that has lead to you blocking her, not yours. Your feelings are important and you have your own family who need you to be happy, as well as for your own sake x

In one of your earlier posts you say that you are such a doormat. No. Correction. You USED to be a doormat. Not anymore. Go to counselling. Go low contact. Have the self realisation that you are vulnerable to being exploited to resolve to double check yourself before making any commitments or handing over any cash to anybody or signing anything. Stick a big sign up on your fridge door if needs be. One that says “you are a fantastic wife and mother” and one that says “No is a complete sentence”. Don’t dwell on the past but let it inform your future. You can’t trust your mother. Don’t let her have huge involvement with your DS. She’s a gaslighter and manipulator and you can’t let your DS get too close to her! What’s to say she won’t try her tricks on him when he’s earning money. Do not tell her anything. Minimise her. Counselling will help you do that and remember WELL DONE you’ve realised and worked her out and you’ve still got a lot of life to live. We’ve all made big mistakes in our twenties. It’s part of the learning curve of life. Don’t beat yourself up about it and don’t let it make you bitter. My ex fiancé cheated me out of £50,000 when I was in my 20s. You’ve built up a great family and great life from nothing. From less than nothing because you had abusive parents. You rose above it and triumphed. Go you. Be proud of that. You’re an inspiration to what you can do despite having shit role models. Next time you see that partner you put your game face on. You look him firm in the eye and stare him down. Bullies don’t like that. Don’t raise your voice but if he mentions anything you say “I know what you did. You know what you did. You’re the one who has to live with yourself. Don’t talk to me again”

You’ve built up a great family and great life from nothing. From less than nothing because you had abusive parents. You rose above it and triumphed. Go you. Be proud of that. You’re an inspiration to what you can do despite having shit role models
Fantastic post Debrons !!! 😄😄😄

I remember your last thread and more for you.

Your mother is a skilled manipulator, well done for keeping your cool it sounds like you have good insight into the dysfunction at play and have handled her (predictable) turning up at the doorstep well.

Re: I think I softened when she apologised and said she was a shit parent, because that can’t have been an easy thing for her to admit.

I disagree: words are cheap and easy to a skilled manipulator.
If she truly recognised that why in the next breath is suicide!!!
Consider that she has enough money to try and buy your child’s affection put thousand in ISAs but if she y recognised what a shitty thing she did she would be making actual reparations by sorting out the valuation and gicing back the money her and her partner robbed off of you.

And she robbed you of several things beyond money - the opportunity to travel, to secure your own future, time with your child when they were small, peace of mind due the added financial burden when your DSS was sick, the knowledge of a mothers unconditional love. The list goes on...

I’d be going low to no contact with her - let her keep her precious fucking money and her arsehole DP. You have built an amazing life DESPITE your parents, but proud of that and focus on your own family.

Again, and more as this is a horrible realisation to come to.

Thank you so much, these posts are so kind and have brought tears to my eyes. I am realising that neither of my parents have given me unconditional love.

She has deposited a fairly large amount of money into my account which I do not really want. I don’t have her account details so I cannot just send it straight back at the moment. I feel as though this has given me a dilemma, as to whether to accept it or not. I might have to draw it all out of the bank and post it through their door.

DH and I still reeling from her turning up on the doorstep on Friday, her manner was hostile and she told DH that she knows he doesn’t like them, he’s never invited them round for a coffee! And they are planning to be abroad for Christmas because of me. And I’m being smeared as a money grabber - hardly - She has squeezed money from me at every opportunity. She is also suggesting I’m mentally ill. It’s just made everything so much worse.

I intend to stay NC for now as I’m now going to counselling. The counsellor was pretty horrified at everything (there’s so much more to tell about my childhood).

The fact that my mother says she is now going away for Xmas because of me is quite triggering. We had one particularly traumatic year with my alcoholic dad when I was a teenager, police were attending our house regularly because of his rampages at all hours/drink driving. I was very vulnerable at the time. Yet she went on holiday for a week over Christmas and new year without telling me who she was going with (no prizes for guessing it was her affair with her current DP) and she left me there alone to manage my volatile father.
So I think I have an abandonment wound that has been triggered and I need to work through it.

You say a couple of times further up the thread that you would not accept any money from her. I think this is wise; whilst she refuses to accept she has exploited you financially, any money 'given' will come with horrendous strings attached.

I would be tempted to tell your bank you don't know where the money has come from and it may have been deposited by mistake. Other MNers will know if that isn't wise. I would not send cash back as it's too easy for her to deny it ever happened, but I also would not leave it sitting in your account. I would then close the account and make sure she does not know the new number.

The way she behaved during that earlier Christmas is unforgivable. The good news is that this year she won't be around to spoil another one. They were quite clearly planning to go away anyway and are now playing the hard-done-by vicitims of the piece - like how is Christmas abroad a bloody hardship anyway?!

Stay no contact and get that money back asap. You are doing really well, that's why she is escalating. She can feel her control slipping.

Personally I would keep the money. It’s owed to you and it doesn’t mean you have to be guilted into letting her back into your life. It sounds like she’ll be abusive either way so you may as well have some of what she owes you. I know for you this is more about emotional hurt rather than the actual cash though. You sound extremely insightful and I’d like to wish you peace and happiness through your counseling

I would keep the money. It is owed to you, for all the maintenance that you paid plus your mum not paying any rent while living in the property, plus her DP promising to pay you extra money in the future.

If you feel bad for taking it, put in an account for your children because your mum robbed them by taking from you. I would then cut all contact, continue therapy and in the future if you want to pursue a relationship you can choose to contact her.

I suspect she is expecting you will look after her when she is older, so she needs to pull you into line now. Accusing you of being unstable while trying to trigger you by purposely booking the trip over Christmas.
Ignore, sounds like your life will be much calmer and more loving without her and her DP

Keep the money. She owes it you. But it doesnt buy you. Stay nc.

I'd keep the money for now. Put it in a separate account with instant access or buy some premium bonds. Give yourself time to focus on being no contact or low contact and then make a decision about the money. You could give it to your children in the future, you could return it. Now's the time to take care of your mental health, engaging with her on this is just forced contact.

I feel awful for you OP. I can't believe your own mother would treat you so appallingly.
I would keep the money and transfer it to the children's savings account. You are owed that money and any other money she gives you and your children in the future.
Definitely stay NC with her. She is not good for you.

OP I admire you so much for surviving what sounds like two horrendous parents. You have amazing personal resources to have gone on to have a successful marriage and great relationships with your partner and children.

Sadly you are not alone. So much of what you describe is how his mum treats my husband. I have made a study of her over the years and read lots which has really helped me understand what is going on. So here's a little of that, just so you know it is definitely NOT you it's your mother.

a) Read about Cluster B personality disorders. I am not suggesting you diagnose her, but seeing that there are patterns of behavior common to people who abuse in this manner helps you understand that it's not you and also you are not alone.

b) it sounds like one thing you have very much in common with DH is, he was not allowed to have any boundaries. These include the interpersonal boundaries between a parent and child. So she sees you as a part of her and therefore you should hand over anything she needs. This is called "Emeshment" sometimes called co-dependency. I think "Emeshment" is better because as a child you have no choice in how the relationship is formed.

Lack of boundaries also mean lack of privacy, often not respecting obvious boundaries, like not walking in on you in the shower. Also opening letters addressed to you or feeling entitled to know everything about you in ways you experience as invasive and disrespectful. Turning up on the doorstep unannounced, expecting everyone to be available, is a good example of an entitled ignoring of boundaries (the boundary of your family's private time). She very likely is insulted if she doesn't have a key to your home or other private spaces.

You can feel like she is invading your space and even your mind = lack of boundaries.

So YOU will have to be the one to enforce boundaries as she won't. She doesn't always even know appropriate behavior, so you show her by respecting yourself and your family and having boundaries. Your DH can help with this. Good for him for standing up for you and not letting her invade your family time.

c) Black & White thinking. Your mum probably swings between extremes of being over involved (invading your privacy) and under involved (disappearing on holiday). Sometimes you are the "perfect" daughter and other times you are in the doghouse and can do nothing right.

d) She "Parentifies" you. Switching roles and expecting you to take care of yourself or being a parent to her. So she can be very irresponsible and selfish. Disappearing abroad and leaving you with an unstable, violent addict is this behavior on steroids. As parents our very first job is keep our children safe. She didn't perform her most basic responsibility.

This is only scratching the surface, I'm sure there are many, many years and a long history of abusive behavior. Perhaps this house is a blessing. By being such a huge, undeniable act of selfish narcissism she can't put the Genie back in the bottle. She can't gaslight you and convince you it was all in your head or that you are "mentally unstable".

Keep going to the counselor and keep building the person you want to be, that's not expected to have your mum and her needs at the center of your life.

You are insightful, emotionally mature and amazing

Sorry for all the typos in my last post.

I agree with all the other “keep the money”s
She isn’t giving you anything other than less than what you are due. As I bet while substantial it is not equal to the true value of what you are owed (as the reality is when people loan money to family members they usually get given the loan with interest on top back. Well in my family always did this anyway...)

Counselling sounds like a really positive step - the Christmas update is truly horrendous. You have been through so much. Take it easy and be kind to yourself

Like I said before you should go NC for a while and focus on your future and the family you have built.

Your mum has subjected you to emotional abuse and financial abuse which have shaped your adult experience.

Counselling is a great idea to try to help you to heal from this. I would definitely go low contact or no contact with her. I am sorry for all that you have been through.
Please prioritise yourself and your own needs before those of your mother.

Keep the money, it was never hers to begin with. It has always belonged to you and your family and she cheated you out of it.

It's true accepting it won't turn her into a mother worthy of that title but returning it wouldn't either. She abused you emotionally and financially and you might be better off with her out of your life.

Look after your family, keep the money and don't talk to your disasters of parents again.

And well done for getting out of it!!!

Oh this is awful. The more you reveal of your childhood the worse it gets. She was right when she said she was a shit mother. You deserved so much more.I am sorry you didnt get it.
Concentrate on your lovely husband and children and be the mum to them she couldn't be to you. I wish you every happiness going forward. Stay strong and don't look back x

I'm so sorry for the way your parents have treated you OP, you must be such a strong person to cope with everything that's been thrown at you I hope your counselling is useful to you, I'd keep the money she put in your account, put it towards the therapy, and go NC if I were you.