DM used me as a financial crutch and where to go from here

[CassetteTapes]

I posted about this a few months ago and got almost unanimous YANBU. I have now raised my issues with my DM and am at a loss at where to go from here. I’ll try and do a rundown without this being too long:

My parents divorced in my late teens and when I was 20 my mum put me under duress to buy her council house with her. I’m an only child. My dad had been extremely abusive alcoholic and I was at a crossroads in life at that point, only earning 10k in a retail job so not really in a good position. However she promised me that we would sell the house in 5 years and split the proceeds - I trusted her and as a hopeful yet skint 20 year old on min wage I thought that it would work out ok.

After a year, I got a much better paying shift work job and I moved out to flat share with friends. This was partly to be closer to work for the earlies and lates, but also because my mum and I were not getting on too well and at 21 I needed to get out. She did not want me to go, I promised to still pay half the mortgage as we were tied in, but She gave me a hard time and in the end I agreed to pay half the mortgage plus another £125 per month on top towards her bills. She was working full time in a decent job and with maturity I now see that this was crazy and almost as though I was paying maintenance to my own mother.

I paid this money diligently and faithfully without missing a payment for the entire 5 years. Obviously I also had my own rent and bills to pay on top. Halfway through at the age of 23 I moved in with now DH and had my DS. We struggled for money during this time and I had to take a short mat leave. My mum asked me for extra money for home improvements twice, citing that i had to pay because it was my investment too and I would benefit when the house was sold. It was hard to pay the extra and at one point I was selling my old toys from the 80s to make the payments to her.

Finally the 5 years were up, DS was 18 months old and money was very tight as we were paying £700 a month childcare, I’d had to take a promotion for extra income which was exhausting me. DH also had a son who was very ill at this time so we were going through a stressful time. Sadly my mum said she had changed her mind on selling the house and said she wouldn’t do it as she couldn’t afford to buy elsewhere. This put me in an extremely stressed situation as I did not know how I could continue paying her the £350 per month without being on the breadline.

Eventually her partner offered to buy me out of my share which I felt I had no choice but to accept, he added up all my payments over the 5 years and added another £2k on top, this was the final offer and they said they could afford no more. It was all done officially and I remember the man at the mortgage company looking at me intently and saying “are you sure?” At the time I was grateful to get my money back in a lump sum during my time of need. But effectively I gifted my mum’s DP a fairly large amount of equity. My mum used to say that he would pay me some more money one day but those promises dwindled off, as he bought new cars and things like that.

Fast forward 11 years and they are getting ready to retire with lots of investments, which it turns out they have been building for years. My mum talks about her money all the time. I don’t need the money now, DH and I do ok so it’s not about that. I am deeply hurt that I have been used like a loan (when I couldn’t afford it). I am hurt that my mum pulled the rug out from under me at my time of need, and then sat back and watched me sign over my equity to her partner, when all the while she had money in the bank.

I have told her how I feel and obviously it has blown up, she was crying and apologetic at first but has switched since to very defensive and keeps saying that they have not profited. She is now putting several thousand in my children’s ISAs. She says that I or the kids will inherit the house anyway in the future. I appreciate all those things and I see that she wants the issue to be done and dusted, so I am trying to patch things as best I can. I don’t want any money.

But I still feel so hurt and my self worth has taken a real knock. I had to put aside all my travelling dreams that I had when I was 20 in order to pay all that, and now I’ve realised that none of it really need to happen. I am a little bit scared of what will happen the next time I see her DP as he has form for a bad temper. So far all I’ve had from him is a crappy text saying No Comment in any of it.
I keep thinking back to when I had my DS - she didn’t even come to the hospital to see us, her first grandchild, and I was handing over all that money each month. I just feel so very wounded, like my needs (and her grandchild’s needs) have never mattered to her.

I am NC with my dad also due to his abuse, and an only child. There’s no other family member I can talk to. My DH is supportive and also horrified at what happened, I did not really bother him much with it all at the time as his son was so unwell. How can this repair?

Oh sweetheart, what a traumatic time you've been through! You said you'd been so busy being the compliant daughter that you didn't have time to process it, that comes later - so now you've had a bit of breathing space from all the upheaval, of course it's going to bring up memories and experiences you've buried previously.

Take time for yourself, LC/NC sounds like a great idea. I did this last month - I'm an only child too so I feel you on the guilt and obligation front! I also had the fear that you're feeling with your Mum's partner but mine was fear of my Dad. I'm 44 FFS! I'm here to tell you, the fear can't control you. You can make decisions for yourself and your family unit and YOU decide how to move forward. Without fear - they can't impose ANY rules on you.

Be kind to yourself. Read the Stately Homes thread (I don't know how to do links sorry!) but the posters on there will have a ton of amazing advice for you that will help soothe your soul.

Good luck and FWIW I think you're amazing - you're in a position now to deal with this and protect your family unit and live a life free of guilt!

Thanks again. She has already made an hour train trip to stand on my doorstep today. I did not answer. She timed it for when the DC come home from school but luckily my DH returned from work and spoke to her. She is not apologetic anymore, just trying to make my DH think I’m unhinged. I just feel like I can never have space or peace. Exhausted.

Oh love, she's put you through too much.

Good luck with your therapy xx

Have you posted about this before OP.

Yes, sorry, I did an AIBU when I wasn’t thinking of bringing the subject up with her. I wanted to gauge opinions before I tried to advocate for myself. I’ve grown up not really knowing if it’s ok to think and feel things so this site helps.

what a cruel thing to do (then with money and now, turning up at your doorstep)
NC and tell her to give you a lot of space, you don't have to talk to her ever again

Op I know what its like to be conditioned to support a parent. It has that horrible doubling down of the (emotional and practical) cost of giving the support + the embarrassment/shame of doing so - because we're conditioned to defend said parent and our actions when anyone else outside the family criticises, even though we know it's not 'right'.

You cant change the past. BUT you can change the dynamic with your mum now. You won't get your money back, it's unlikely you'll get an acknowledgement or apology, but you can decide now however you want to respond and on what level you want your relationship to be. Draw a line to the past and decide what you want now, on your terms. It sounds like you're very independent and resilient, presumably because you've had to be. Use it to your advantage now.

None of this was your fault.

Definitely go for therapy. Your mother doesn't get a say in this. She exploited you mercilessly; she has indeed been a shit mother, who has repeatedly used you to get her needs met and ignored yours. Your kids deserve better than to be used as pawns to control you or than to be under any kind of obligation to her.

I was my mother's leaning post, emotionally rather than financially so I do understand that you felt the only thing you could do was to give her all her own way. When you've been subjected to lifelong conditioning, there doesn't seem to be any real choice. I've no doubt that if my Mum had made the same sort of demands I'd have given in as you did. Your therapy will help you to process it and keep yourself and your family safe from further manipulation and exploitation.

Good to hear your husband is understanding and has got your back.

It is never to late to travel. Stay strong

Your Mum made her choice years ago when she decided to financially exploit you.

She can't now backtrack and expect one half-assed apology to undo years of manipulation and emotional blackmail. She sounds toxic and unpleasant - and that you would be better off without her (and her unstable sounding partner) in your life.

When your mother's partner bought you out, surely the property should've been valued and you given 50%? If you'd been paying your share of the mortgage, maintenance and improvements then you were paying your 50%. If anything your mother should've been paying you a nominal rent because she was using your half of the property as well.

She's shafted you good and proper. I'd be tempted to talk to a solicitor to see if you can pursue it at this stage. You can't guarantee that you'll inherit the property, there's your mother's partner involved plus the money could be eaten up by care fees.

Going LC would be very advisable.

Yes the property should have been valued. I guess it was, for their mortgage together, but the valuation was never disclosed to me. When she spoke to my DH on the doorstep yesterday, she was trying to wriggle out of it by saying that house prices dropped and therefore I was paid out a fair amount. They hadn’t dropped by that much. But because they never disclosed the valuation it’s all conveniently very murky.

I was paying 50% of the mortgage and improvements, plus giving her £125 per month on top. I never thought of it that really if anything she officially should have been paying nominal rent. I’m such a doormat. I’m a people pleaser.

She keeps saying she wants to get a solicitor. I don’t really want to pursue it. A solicitor can’t make your mum give you unconditional love, can they?

Don't seek a lawyer. Your relationship with your mum will be over then.
And it's never too late to travel. Let it go

At this point I would consider going NC and moving house. She has treated you appallingly, she is a user.

The marital arts comments are meant to keep you in line, do what they say, feel how they tell you to feel. You know this is not right. Look at your own child and feel that love you feel? She doesn't have that.

Lots of us mourn the parents we wish we had and we ourselves hopefully become better parents to our own children.

Go to counselling and stop telling her so much about your life, she will just use it against you.

a solicitor for what exactly?
As you have said, its in the past. It cant be changed, its all signed off done and dusted
And saying she doesnt want to be alive is pure emotional blackmail on her part - particularly cruel given your history.
She KNOWS the extent that she has manipulated too, and she knows that, when having counselling, that soon you will realise how far out of whack she was. She is running scared because her manipulations wont be able to work any more and she doesnt want her behaviour to be exposed. Its all about her.
I expect she is also seeing the possibility of guilting you into looking after her in old age slipping away.

Don't beat yourself up for being a doormat. They brought you up to be one - your parents and your mum's partner. You've done fantastically well breaking out of that role, opening your eyes and keeping them at arm's length.

One thing she did manage to do right, though, is bring you up to be the sort of person who would never shaft their own children the way she did you. However anxious you get about money you know you won't steal from your own to guarantee your security. They come first. You should have come first, to her, but that's her shortcoming, not yours.
And now she wants to buy herself a clear conscience. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that.

Sorry, long, but I must add that I couldn't disagree more with the first two responses you had on this thread. At the age you were then you would quite normally believe what your parents told you and follow their guidance. You were a young adult with little life experience, you had already worked out that one parent was a waste of space but had no reason not to trust the other. Your own mother tells you you'll make a lot of money together by doing x, you do x. She tells you it is your obligation to do y, you do y. It is only with hindsight that the betrayal becomes clear. So saying you made a choice and must live with it is quite unkind.

your parents are a pair of despicable bastards, you were child you didn't stand a chance I totally understand how angry you feel
Your mother doesn't want you to have counselling ??
oh quelle surprise🙄she fuckjng knows she's bang out of order
what a bitch what a fuckjng bitch she exploited her own daughter to enrich herself, make the most of that counselling to strengthen yourself and assert yourself, watch her quake in her boots

Your mother views you as a person who exists to do her bidding she thinks it's perfectly fine to exploit you to get what she wants, she will be totally looking to you to run around after her as she gets older
you should resist this with every fibre of your being, do not lift a finger to help, her she's minted (thanks to your help) she can pay for whatever she needs,
you are free to skip off and enjoy your own life, have it large 😄

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this and I’m surprised at the responses. I imagine if this was an ex partner and not your mum, MN would have a very different take on it. Your mum has allowed you to suffer for her own betterment and put a lot of undue pressure on you to satisfy her own needs. That’s really not ok. She’s also taken your choices from you in pushing her own desires onto you. I hope you get some closure in counselling. I think it’s likely your mums DP only knows your mums version of events which is probably much different.

Reading back through this thread she sounds sociopathic, I wouldn't trust her even as far as I could throw her, don't tell her anything because anything you do tell her we'll be used against you, don't give her any ammunition at all.
Go for counseling but don't tell her that you're going (imo)

Why is she saying you need a solicitor

How was the property dealt with at the time? What were you told? Does he now have a bigger share?

I think she’s saying to get a solicitor because they likely will say I was an adult and I signed on the dotted line therefore they have done nothing wrong. Which is true. She is only talking about money, and I’m talking about feelings.

He bought my half of the property undervalue. So he now has half and my mum has half. I estimate that he bought the half share from me at about 60% of its market value, based on zoopla. He wasn’t on the property ladder at the time, he had given his old house to his ex-wife when he left her to be with my mum.

Years ago it was acknowledged by them that I sold to him undervalue and there used to be verbal promises that he would give me some more money in the future. These dwindled over time. But yesterday on the doorstep my mum maintains that the house prices had dropped therefore I was paid a fair amount. As I say, no valuation amount has ever been disclosed to me so it all remains conveniently murky forever.

I know that I signed it over and that’s fine, it’s not about the money. It’s about the dysfunction of it all. It’s been a damaging experience to say the least, and she’s making things even worse!