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Original poster

Do I stop MIL going to bed in the afternoon?

70 replies

Jimjams · 22/09/2004 12:14

OK -weird one but want some advice on this (seriously!).

MIL is 55, in good health but is one of the "never wells". Every time (and I mean every time) we have seen her since ds1 was born 5 years ago she has had something "wrong" with her, It's normally along the lines of "headache" "diarrohoea" "upset stomach" etc etc. As an example after ds2 was born she came to "help"- took to bed every afternoon with a headache/migraine and stayed there until dh opened a bottle of wine in the evening, In the meantime I was recovering from a section, ds2 was ill with mystery illnesses (turned out to be infection) and ds1 had gone completely crazy and autistic. (we are not allowing her to help after ds3 is born btw- we are banning house guests!)

Anyway have just been told that MIL and FIL are coming to stay for the WHOLE WEEK of the October half term. School holidays are very difficult times for us as ds1 does not cope very well without school. At the moment his behaviour is somewhat challenging when he is unoccupied as he spends the whole time climbing. He can't occupy himself at all- needs full time one to one. I can't get out at all on Mondays and Fridays as I have both boys and there are limited places I can take ds1 to (when ds2 is at nursery Tue, Wed, Thurs mornings). FIL tends to sit around reading the paper asking what's for tea tonight (which is great as I can't get to the supermarket easily with ds1), and then him and MIL take it in turns to have a lie down in the afternoon. Usually around tea time when I am charging around like a lunatic. Oh and this time I will be 30 weeks pregnant as well.

So what do I do? MIL sulks if I ask her to help out with the children ( she will do ironing etc but frankly I don't care how much ironing there is - it's help with the children that makes a difference ESPECIALLY in school holidays). If I stop them going to bed in the afternoon(how????) then MIL will sulk again. But if they go to bed I will get wound up to the point of wanting to explode. OTOH the IL's reaction to ds1's behaviour tends to reinfornce ds1's challenging behaviours and leaves us with behavioural problems when they've gone (told them again and again how to react but they won't do it in the way we say) so maybe I would be better off with them clearing off to bed in the afternoon and getting out of my way.

Over to mumsnet opinions.........

BTW one oother thing you can comment on. MIL gets very jealous of my parents (having easy access to grandchildren etc). My mum comes in every day usuallly to help with tea and bedtime when she has finished work- has been a godsend this pregnancy. Usually I tell them to stay away when IL's are down, but as IL's are always in bed last time I asked them to come as normal so I could at least have some help. Think it cases issues though - so what doo you think- ok to continue getting them in?

OP posts:
codswallop · 22/09/2004 12:15

dont get your parents in

codswallop · 22/09/2004 12:16

I can see parents find contant young kids tiring but my dad is 70! 55 is a bit pathetic

JanH · 22/09/2004 12:16

Oh, ffs, jimjams - why on EARTH are they coming in a school holiday when they could presumably come any other time? Are they trying to be trying?

Can't DH just tell them no, they can't come then?

soapbox · 22/09/2004 12:17

Jimjams - after your godawful experience in the summer with them - I would say tell them not to come.

I really don't think it is fair to expect you to put up with them when you are pregnant and the children are on holiday.

Put them off until another time.

JUST SAY NO !!!!!!!!!!!

Twiglett · 22/09/2004 12:20

message withdrawn

emmatmg · 22/09/2004 12:20

Absoluletly DO NOT tell your parests not to come.

As for the Il's, I've got no idea apart from telling them not to come, especially after your recent Holiday thread and the way they behaved towards your DS1....unforgivable!

Godd luck, hope someone has the answer.

Original poster
Jimjams · 22/09/2004 12:20

but coddy if I don't get my parents in then I end up having to do bathtime by myself. At the moment bathtime is a "problem" (ds1 won't get in- has to be wrestled with even to have him stand have a strip wash) I'm finding it hard physically at the moment- when i'm 30 weeks.....

Actually soapboox had to laugh as I was just told that IL's would be staying for a week whereas MIL had to go to a big hoo hah about asking SIL whether they could stay at her house for one night before her baby is being christened. And guess what they're staying in a hotel!!!

SIL even has a spare room- we don't!

OP posts:
codswallop · 22/09/2004 12:21

ok
sorry

Original poster
Jimjams · 22/09/2004 12:22

That have to come during half term unfortunately (FIL works in school terms, and they are coinciding visit to tie ion wiith SIL's baby's christening (dh is going to christening- I'm staying at home wiith the boys)

OP posts:
vict17 · 22/09/2004 12:22

I would love it if my MIL disappeared off to bed for the afternoon as she is so annoying
Sorry not much help....

crunchie · 22/09/2004 12:23

If you can't tell them not to come, let them go to bed and get your parents in to help. This will show them what horrible, unhelpful people they are. Also get dh to confront them if they even 'dare' to create more work for you. Best of all - retire to bed yourself!! with your kids if poss and barracade yourself in!!

Or tyhe other option get DH to deal with them, they are his parents after all.

If I want a row with my IL I always get dh to do it!!

vict17 · 22/09/2004 12:25

ooh Crunchie you have good ideas. I love the getting your parents in to help JimJams - would she feel emarassed in front of them for being lazy?

Original poster
Jimjams · 22/09/2004 12:26

But twiglett- MIL used to go to bed every afternoon before wwe had kids! The "illnesses" are attention seeking - don't know why she bothers as I ignore it totally and over in ireland dh kept mouthing "pathetic" at me when she had her sinusitis. Also comes and goes at her will iyswim- always miraculously better in the evening when someone asks iif she wants a glass of wine.

Honestly if she was in her 70's I could understand, but she's the same age as my mum who works full time then comes in to help me out each night.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jimjams · 22/09/2004 12:27

DH has tried telling them in the past, but then she does the whole illness routine thing. Usually I make dh take some days off but because of ds3 being due at the end of the year that won't be possible this time round.

OP posts:
AuntyQuated · 22/09/2004 12:29

i would definitley continue to get your parents to help, if anything is said by IL's say "I really need help with XXX (be specific) and we all cope so much better when my mum/dad does at==it as they do exactly as I would and as DS1 needs"

poor you though, could your DH take anytime off, bit near baby time i suppose

Twiglett · 22/09/2004 12:29

message withdrawn

Original poster
Jimjams · 22/09/2004 12:30

vict- no last time she just looked as if she was sucking lemons on the days my parents came in. Still didn't help on the days they weren't there though! I prefer my dad to stay away though as she winds him up and his voice goes all high pitched! My dad is 60 btw with some sort of asbestosis type thing, but when he comes (once oor twice a week after work) in he still gooes off and plays with ds2, and makes the boys pancakes.

OP posts:
binkie · 22/09/2004 12:30
  1. Staying with you, timing, and rests in afternoons. Are you obliged to have them? The "told" sounds rather as you haven't been given a choice, which doesn't seem fair to me. If the timing is not negotiable - they are coming for dh's birthday or something - would it cause huge issues if you said this time you will be organising a b&b for them? (My parents would accept that, but you could soften by saying "and then you can be sure of a bit of peace".) I suspect that if they were not resting in your face (so to speak) it would not be so infuriating.

  1. Your mum. If she is happy to do it, and she sounds like an utter star, then she should go on doing it. At the very least it will give you moral support (& someone to exchange looks with) as the PILs display their selfishness.

  2. Feeding FIL and supermarkets. Is it out of the question you ask them to do the shop?? Otherwise - deliveries?

  3. Ds1 and climbing. Is it a stupid suggestion to think of taking him to one of those softplay clamber centres? If he's still doing half-days they're very very quiet now that school's started.

Blu · 22/09/2004 12:30

If they 'have' to come, I would have a very clear conversation with them before hand - or get your DH to do so. Lay it on the line...'I need to make our schedule for the week to cover childcare, shopping etc, as you know Mum usually gives me the vital help I need - while you're down, would you like to commit to giving that help or would it be simpler to ask her to stick to her routine? I will need to go to the supermarket...can you take responsibility for DS2 on these days at these times etc'. And be very very firm about the behaviour stuff. Remind them of what happened in the summer, stretch the truth and say that DD1's school or someone has said that he is undergoing a particular programme of support and must not have any contact with anyone who finds it hard to stick to what's needed - and they might find it restful to stay in a notel - by the way, what hotel is SIL staying in when she visits you?????'

codswallop · 22/09/2004 12:31

make an apple pie bed?

tell i went to boarding school cant oyu

Original poster
Jimjams · 22/09/2004 12:31

Tiwglett I'd choke

Off for lunch-- thanks for all the ideas so far will cattch up again later

OP posts:
marialuisa · 22/09/2004 12:33

sorry jimJams-just don't get why they have to stay with you and why they have to stay so long...But don't stop your mum coming round, you need the help and leave DH to deal with HIS parents!

Original poster
Jimjams · 22/09/2004 12:33

Sorry blu misunderstanding MIL and FIL are staying in ahotel when they visit SIL ( their dd)) as it will be "too much" for her to put them up for one night as she has a baby to get ready for a christening at 10am in the morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jimjams · 22/09/2004 12:36

Binkie- he won't go in soft plays (also full time so only busy times free). He likes climbing on the stair rails and up onto window ledges and backs of chairs etc. I think he likes balancing up tall as he just stands there. He has to be liftend down byut like a ballet dancer as he keeps his legs straight. *has to be done with no reaction- as soon as he's shouted at it becomes a fave occupation!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jimjams · 22/09/2004 12:37

I think they would think the hotel b and b option was too expensive (but I don't have much sympathy as they own 3 houses )

OP posts: