Do I stop MIL going to bed in the afternoon?

[Jimjams]

OK -weird one but want some advice on this (seriously!).

MIL is 55, in good health but is one of the "never wells". Every time (and I mean every time) we have seen her since ds1 was born 5 years ago she has had something "wrong" with her, It's normally along the lines of "headache" "diarrohoea" "upset stomach" etc etc. As an example after ds2 was born she came to "help"- took to bed every afternoon with a headache/migraine and stayed there until dh opened a bottle of wine in the evening, In the meantime I was recovering from a section, ds2 was ill with mystery illnesses (turned out to be infection) and ds1 had gone completely crazy and autistic. (we are not allowing her to help after ds3 is born btw- we are banning house guests!)

Anyway have just been told that MIL and FIL are coming to stay for the WHOLE WEEK of the October half term. School holidays are very difficult times for us as ds1 does not cope very well without school. At the moment his behaviour is somewhat challenging when he is unoccupied as he spends the whole time climbing. He can't occupy himself at all- needs full time one to one. I can't get out at all on Mondays and Fridays as I have both boys and there are limited places I can take ds1 to (when ds2 is at nursery Tue, Wed, Thurs mornings). FIL tends to sit around reading the paper asking what's for tea tonight (which is great as I can't get to the supermarket easily with ds1), and then him and MIL take it in turns to have a lie down in the afternoon. Usually around tea time when I am charging around like a lunatic. Oh and this time I will be 30 weeks pregnant as well.

So what do I do? MIL sulks if I ask her to help out with the children ( she will do ironing etc but frankly I don't care how much ironing there is - it's help with the children that makes a difference ESPECIALLY in school holidays). If I stop them going to bed in the afternoon(how????) then MIL will sulk again. But if they go to bed I will get wound up to the point of wanting to explode. OTOH the IL's reaction to ds1's behaviour tends to reinfornce ds1's challenging behaviours and leaves us with behavioural problems when they've gone (told them again and again how to react but they won't do it in the way we say) so maybe I would be better off with them clearing off to bed in the afternoon and getting out of my way.

Over to mumsnet opinions.........

BTW one oother thing you can comment on. MIL gets very jealous of my parents (having easy access to grandchildren etc). My mum comes in every day usuallly to help with tea and bedtime when she has finished work- has been a godsend this pregnancy. Usually I tell them to stay away when IL's are down, but as IL's are always in bed last time I asked them to come as normal so I could at least have some help. Think it cases issues though - so what doo you think- ok to continue getting them in?

I was going to suggest a 'rat infestation' jimjams

they do sound like complete pains. for that reason i'd say let them go to bed so you have less time with them

can dh take any time off? can they not come 1 wk earlier so not halfterm?

and i definitely wdn't cancel dm. basically not everyone is going to be happy and that;s just how it is, but dh will see his parents. get any help you can get, agree with food deliveries

Hi Jimjams. I think you have far too much on your plate to cope with the ILs atm. Agree that they should stay at a B & B. If your husband wants to see them, then fine. It sounds like your ILs are a touch depressed to me - the minor illnesses, tetchiness and lie ins suggest this to me - but again you have far too much to cope with to deal with this - but maybe a bit of attention and concern from dh/other family members could help sort this out, and generally improve their behaviour.

You say they are coming to tie in with the Christening. Presumaby the Christening is at the weekend? In which case can't they stay the previous or following week so it's not half-term? And for a shorter visit.

. Jimjams, did you guess what the MN response would be before you posted?

Oh please, please, please say No Jimjams - I can't bear to think of you having to put up with them ... just when things were beginning to pick up with all the things that your sons have being doing for the first time this year. I know you are very lovely, but please, please, please try and say no. They don't help and they upset you and your children.

JimJams, your MIL must have gone to the same MIL school as mine! Same hypochondria, same selfish behaviour. Except mine is divorced so requires constant attention from DH when she;'s here.

She does NOTHING around the house. Has never had a job, tells me all the time what an expert she is at childcare, having raised 4 herself (DH is the only sane one), and yet strangely never changes a nappy or lifts a finger with her grandchildren.

My mum lives 100 miles away, works full time and yet still bends over backwards for us. MIL also v jealous of my children's relationship with my mum, but the way I see it, if she made a bit more effort herself, she could have more of a relationship with them too!

Why are your ILs coming for a whole week? I sympathise with your DH saying he wants to see his parents, but my DH is the same and I just tell him his mum can come for a weekend, when he's actually here. I've spent so many weeks pandering to her, basically acting like her servant, while he's out at work all day, after the last time I said That's it, she's not coming here again unless it;'s for a weekend ONLY (she lives up north so always comes for several days normally, and then just decides to stay beyond the agreed time as well!)

Funnily enough we haven't seen her for months now. Seems like if she can't consider it a holiday, she's not interested. Suits me fine.

Why not tell your DH you just can't cope with the ILs for a whole week and can they come just Fri-Sun?

Haven't read other posts but god, it sounds awful. Let your mum come as normal, at least she's some help. Your MIL sounds a PITA.

How about

'Hi.....we are so delighted you are coming to see us all but I have a problem which I wondered if you could help me with. As you know I will be 30 weeks PG when you are here and I am just wondering where you are going to sleep. If I wasnt PG then of course, DH and I would sleep on the futon and you could have our room. I am so worried that your back, arthritis, sinusitis, diarrhoea will flare up as the futon isnt very comfortable and I would be mortified if you were ill when you were here. It is too much time for you to sleep on a futon and so I was wondering if a Travel Lodge or B and B would be better for you too as it would give you a break from the boys. What do you think the best thing is to do? I dont want to exhaust you both but I am going to need extra help at that time. Cant wait to see you though!!!!!!!!!'

Perfect!

DO NOT CANCEL YOUR MUM AS YOU WILL BE KNACKERED IF THE INLAWS DONT PULL THEIR WEIGHT!!

Just read bit about B&B so it's not too much for poor SIL and am speechless! Like twig's idea about needing help etc.

Oh, can you really not tell them to bog off? Or dh really ought to be at home dealing with them too (iknow, baby due, can't do it). They sound so stunningly selfish and I'm so cross on your behalf. In advance.

diarrhoea flare up ROFL!!!

The thing is I think MIL thinks she is helpful because she irons. But that just makes me more stressed as I feel I have to be tidying the house all the time. A few years ago she used to cook quite a bit but she doesn't really now (and when she does dh always moans at me about the tiny portions- they are small!)

She sees the children as our job and sounds like lulupops- constantly tells us how "we know just what its like as we had 2 children- grandparents don't have to do these jobs that's a parents job". YES BUT ONE OF THEM WASN"T SEVERELY AUTISTIC!!!! (and the job in question is something like playing wth ds2)

There is one slight glimmer of hope. They have apparently read/are reading George and Sam (we sent it to them a month before our visit to them in the summer but they hadn't read it) and I have sent them a highly annotated copy of Lorna Wingls book on autism- so they may begin to get it. DH was pretty stern with them after the disasterous trip over there.

I do think I will have to grit my teeth this time. It is an opportunity to let MIL know that she is not coming to help out when babs number 3 is 3 weeks old- she hasn't quite understood that (althugh dh has told her twice!)

FFS, "coming to help when baby is born"?? Why doesn;t your DH tell her straight "But you aren't any help. Please don't come unless you are prepared to actually DO something for us"

My DH pointed out to MIL that she just left all her dirty teacups around the house for me to clear up and would she like to at least tidy up after herself, if not do anything else. Then when she went home, she rang a week later and said TO HIM, "Oh, say thanks to [lulupop] for me", towhich he replied "Why don't you thaynk her yourself?"

Funny, but she's never actually spoken directly to me since then.

No time to read other replies, but I would

• not allow a full week anyway - do they live very long way away
• definitely not allow during half term
• do not keep your parents away - you need the help.
• dunno how you can stop them going to bed, but it would drive me wild - no guest of ours stays in bed after 8 - the boys charge in & wake them up (sometimes only with a little encouragement from me. maybe if they go to bed arm ds2 with drum to play outside their door.

Can dh not sort them out? Both of them taking to bed for several hours is totally unreasonable. and frankly, if your pg you should be allowed to call the shots.

full sympathies & hoope you can get a reasonable solution.

It's really weird how they manage to stay in bed tbh. DS1 won't allow doors to be shut so he always goes in when they are in bed- but they just seem able to completely ignore him so he kind of wanders off again. I do remember one time when I was in the kitchen making tea for the boys with with ds2 (who was a baby still- and was in a kind of rocker thing). it was in the days when we still had a spare room and ds1 started screaming his head off about something right outside their room. DS1 screaming is fairly common but usually means that something needs sorting out- quick fix and peace is restored. Even though he was right outside their door they completely ignored him, so I had to stop cooking, get ds2 out of the rocker and go (muttering under my breath) to sort it out. I'd NEVER leave a child screaming whether I was related to them or not. But then I wouldn't be in bed in the afternoon as a guest at someone's house anyway!

blimey jimjams, you have my sympathies. I really wouldn't be able to stay civil. I remember we had some of dh's colleagues round for a barbeque shortly after ds3's birth, so was feeling tired & one of the guests, instead of playing with ds 1& 2, nodded off in the deck chair & had a couple of hours' snooze. Luckily I haven't seen her since.....

I really couldn't put up with it. I would be murderous. You're just gonna have to tell dh to go away with them for a week or something, doesn't exactly sound like they're coming to enjoy time with the kids!

Didn'y know you were pg btw, big congratulations.

God I can't get over it, they just sound SO AWFUL. How can you leave a toddler screaming outside your room FFS? If I was you I'd be sharpening the knives right now...

take care of yourself and do whatever you can to make sure MIL makes a bit of an effort (although it doesn;t sound like she will)

Jimjams, is there anyway you could get out of the house while they are asleep, so they wake up to a spooky, empty house and have to amuse themselves for a while, wondering where everyone is? Or would that not work with ds1?

... sigh.. any way, obviously (was just reading the grammar thread and nodding )

It sounds like you will have a hard half-term
ahead of you. Don't stop your parents helping, and let the ILs go to bed. At least then you will have a break from them.

Hypochrondria drives me crazy, in any shape or form, but they are your dh's parents and must be endured. Thank God it's only for a week?

Can really empathise with your frustration that SIL can't be put out, when she has only one child. My brother was excused from all sorts of things because 'he has two children'. I now have 5 but as my dh is always pointing out, I am still expected to be at her beck and call. Go figure.

Eadm- I did that once when ds1 was 2- took him swimming

weird isn't it zaphod!