Do I stop MIL going to bed in the afternoon?

[Jimjams]

OK -weird one but want some advice on this (seriously!).

MIL is 55, in good health but is one of the "never wells". Every time (and I mean every time) we have seen her since ds1 was born 5 years ago she has had something "wrong" with her, It's normally along the lines of "headache" "diarrohoea" "upset stomach" etc etc. As an example after ds2 was born she came to "help"- took to bed every afternoon with a headache/migraine and stayed there until dh opened a bottle of wine in the evening, In the meantime I was recovering from a section, ds2 was ill with mystery illnesses (turned out to be infection) and ds1 had gone completely crazy and autistic. (we are not allowing her to help after ds3 is born btw- we are banning house guests!)

Anyway have just been told that MIL and FIL are coming to stay for the WHOLE WEEK of the October half term. School holidays are very difficult times for us as ds1 does not cope very well without school. At the moment his behaviour is somewhat challenging when he is unoccupied as he spends the whole time climbing. He can't occupy himself at all- needs full time one to one. I can't get out at all on Mondays and Fridays as I have both boys and there are limited places I can take ds1 to (when ds2 is at nursery Tue, Wed, Thurs mornings). FIL tends to sit around reading the paper asking what's for tea tonight (which is great as I can't get to the supermarket easily with ds1), and then him and MIL take it in turns to have a lie down in the afternoon. Usually around tea time when I am charging around like a lunatic. Oh and this time I will be 30 weeks pregnant as well.

So what do I do? MIL sulks if I ask her to help out with the children ( she will do ironing etc but frankly I don't care how much ironing there is - it's help with the children that makes a difference ESPECIALLY in school holidays). If I stop them going to bed in the afternoon(how????) then MIL will sulk again. But if they go to bed I will get wound up to the point of wanting to explode. OTOH the IL's reaction to ds1's behaviour tends to reinfornce ds1's challenging behaviours and leaves us with behavioural problems when they've gone (told them again and again how to react but they won't do it in the way we say) so maybe I would be better off with them clearing off to bed in the afternoon and getting out of my way.

Over to mumsnet opinions.........

BTW one oother thing you can comment on. MIL gets very jealous of my parents (having easy access to grandchildren etc). My mum comes in every day usuallly to help with tea and bedtime when she has finished work- has been a godsend this pregnancy. Usually I tell them to stay away when IL's are down, but as IL's are always in bed last time I asked them to come as normal so I could at least have some help. Think it cases issues though - so what doo you think- ok to continue getting them in?

Hang on, Jimjams, you don't have a spare room?

Then categorically they CANNOT come. You can't cope at 30 weeks pg with having your whole house disrupted so that 2 more people can sleep there, it's a ridiculous thought, esp as they don't help.

If I were you I would develop a mysterious late pg syndrome, where you are too ill to have anyone else in the house. Get your dh to explain that you can't handle anyone else around right now, He's really sorry but it just can't be done.

Truck no discussion or persuasion about it. BTW I hope your dh is on your side over this.

get your mum to still come and I like Twiglett's suggestions.... going on about how helpful they will be to you at this time... being so pregnant and tired and having the two boys to care for.
You could suggest that if they would find it too hard there is a good b n b down the road.... where they could 'rest'

You need some support during this time and you mum can do that as well as being helpful in a practical way.

Jimjams - nothing you have said so far changes my advice:

JUST SAY NO!

JUST DO IT!

NOW [GRIN]

Hmmm

So you can't grin while your shouting...

didn't know that

Jimjams, I hope you don't mind me saying this but I think you are taking on far too much. You are quite hevily pregnant and could really do without this added stress. Couldn't they come for a long weekend instead, say friday to monday. At least then dh will be around.

Jimjams, I'd definately pack them off to a b&b/hotel, if you can. Their behaviour is awful. If you can't, make it clear what specific help you need from them for the whole thing to work. After all, it makes a lot more work for you to basically provide them with a holiday.

And no, don't stop your mum coming round. She sounds a treasure.

If you do decide to go ahead of course continue having your mum around. Your mum sounds very much like mine actually, a godsend

definitely, even

this thread title is definitely one of the main contenders for my favourite...

ok to summerize - they wouldn't dare put out your SIL but don't regard their visit to you as anything to apologise for? They are jealous of your parents easy contact/rlationship but won't help themselves. It seems this is an issue for your DH to tackle, not you. their relationship with him allows them to impose in such a way (they obviously don't regard it as imposing) while your SIL has already set boundries.

Would your DH do anything about it? He must know what hell the week is going to be, with the after effects being felt a while after if DS1 gets upset. He should be able to talk to them without offending while you'll be branded evil DIL for trying the same thing.

If not you only have three options that I can see-
say no (and risk bad relations with them)
put up with it (but definitely ask your parents to halp and let PIL know you've had to ask your parents in to help)
Twigletts phone call idea(my favourite option)

My in-laws sound similar. Ditto the jealousy between in-laws & parents.

I might say to MIL, "As you may know, my mum comes round daily to help with tea and bath, as I find the boys even more tiring/difficult now that I'm pregnant. Would you be willing to help with tea and bath during your visit, in which case I'll tell mum she can have the week off? I'd be so grateful if you did. The kids would be really pleased too." [This gives the hint that you're looking for some kind of spoken commitment.]

I'm discovering that polite directness is a good policy with in-laws. It clarifies things for everyone, and it pre-empts that "I'm going to explode" feeling.

As much as I dislike visits from my outlaws, it;s something I have to put up with. However, never for a whole week! While I often think horribel thoughts about them, I wouldn't dream of creating a scene / atmosphere as it just makes matters worse.
I would be totally honest though and ask if they can shorten the visit to 3 or 4 days.
If you ask directly, I can't see how they could refuse. You have genuine reasons too. It's hard putting people up. If you don't want to be completely honest, could you say you had planned to see friends / take the children out for a couple of days or something? Or would that not work? I think just saying you are starting to feel really tired and need a rest is a perfectly valid thing to say. Be polite, but be firm!

What???? JImjams, you are letting them into your home after your holiday from hell???? Are you insane???? I know you are close to sainthood, but this is going too far. If these lazy and unreasonable people are going to clutter up your home for a week then bugger the issues, get your mum in, and tell them you can't cook for them so your PILs can go to the supermarket and cook for you. Actually better make sure that is your dh's suggestion.

Jimjams, just seen the bit about your SIL and think I will explode. PLEASE say it's not possible for them to come. They take advantage of you very badly. If a hotel is OK with SIL it's OK with you, and if it makes them cut their visit short because of the expense, then HOORAY! Remember what we all told you about the holiday....we were right!

Yes, my misunderstanding re the SIL bit means I am now even more outraged!

I know it's hard, though, over 'family' - but isn't your DH now thoroughly fed up with them? What does he think?

You wouldn't put up with it from an MP or the LEA, would you? Put your fighting hat on....

This thread has really cheered me up!

Dh is very good- and very supportive. usually he takes a couple of days off and then spends his time arguing with them. The sad thing is he had a really close relationship with his parents when growing up and its all gone a bit to pot with ds1's problems really (I've had problems with my MIL from the moment we got engaged- always had support from dh, but it never really interefered with their relationship iyswim- the issues with ds1 have). I think dh would still like to get back some of that closeness and because they live a long way from us I feel like I have to tolerate them staying occasionally really. I have put my foot down about MIL not coming to help after the baby is born (not stopping her seeing him immediately he's born- but just sayin no to her coming back to stay for a week when he's 3 weeks old).

BTW - with regard the SIL thing- I don't think SIL is actually saying no-one can stay- it's just that MIL overdramatises everything to do with SIL whilst expecting me to just get on with it (I'm taking the easy option having a 3rd section apparently- whereas SIL was - complete gasp - said with total horror- going to have to be put on a drip during her labour). None of this comes from SIL- it's just her mother. For example she said that there was no way that SIL would be able to visit us for quite a long time as she's just had a baby (she lives 300 miles away) so we should go and see her- err but we have an autistic 5 year old, a 2 year old and will soon have a newborn as well???- and we're expected to be able to make that journey!

DH did say to me yesterday when I made a comment about the visit "I want to see my parents" so I did point out that I could understand that but in actual fact he'll be at work and it'll be me that's seeing them. He will try and lay down ground rules with them - but nothing seems to help. We've repeatedly told them not to react strongly to ds'1 behaviour as it reinforces is and last time MIL ended up shouting "bad boy" right in his face (he thought that was hilarious and immediately misbehaved again!).

So I don't think I can get out of the visit really. Not actually entirely sure where they will sleep. We have a (quite comfy) futon but that always gives MIL arthritis (see I'm already playing guess the illness this time- we play it every time they come).

So as they will be coming - what do I do- leave them to go to bed- or keep them up. I really will have to practice the being terribly nice bit- I'll practice expatkat's lines!

Oh well if its a fait accomplis then best thing I can suggest is to get DS1 firmly back into pinching mode before they arrive. Send him to the bedroom any time the disappear - that'll soon get them up again

(Just joking - not trivialising DS1's pinching'

I think they have to stay in a B&B, if they're coming at all. That way they'll not be around, and you can have the attitude that they are maddeningly annoying visitors.

He'll go into pinching mode as soon as he sees them soapbox. He associates them with pinching. I suspect he thinks is is their game as he always gets such a good reaction. I would love to leave them to sort it out but I know that then we'll be stuck with it for weeks, so will have to rescue them!

After the holiday dh did suggest hiding the futon at my parents house or telling them it was infested with bed bugs She was horrified one visit when ds1 caught nits (first time ever- I rang friends to warn them and was told by her that "you should keep it very very quiet- do not tell anyone at all- say nothing") so perhaps an infestation of something unpleasant could do the trick

If you ask me, they are an infestation of something unpleasant in themselves

ROFL Blu

I think the advice on here has been fab - but if you have to have them, I would pull the big contagious disease out of the bag three days before. Speaking as one who gave birth at 31 weeks, why don't you do high blood pressure - not allowed to have anyone to stay - doctors orders supposed to be in bed all the time ( on basis that you can't all be in bed at the same time!!!!). no-one would dare come near my house if I was 30 weeks pregnant in case I threatened to burst!!!!

ps. i don't like my ils either

Awww Jimjams, I really would put them off. the B&B idea sounds really good and tbh you may end up with high blood pressure by the time they go. Sorry to be blunt but they sound very selfish. My mum is 74 and could give them a run for their money any day.

Please be strong and try to get it through to dh that you don't need this.

jimjams i have the opposite,when the in-laws come mil spends the whole day doing things that don't need doing,she's hyper,she'll be on the ladder cleaning my windows,arranging my kitchen cupboards,moving things around etc and i can't relax,fil spends the whole day sitting on the sofa with the remote control stucked to his hand watching teletext,so after reading your thread i've decided that next time they come they will have to have a SIESTA!!i will say that it's part of my culture and that i'll be very offended if they don't!!!
anyway i hope yours are helpful and just tell them that is YOU that needs a nap