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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did my husband rape me? **Trigger Warning** Title edited by MNHQ

74 replies

rach09998 · 09/09/2019 20:50

I went out for some drinks with my husband and when we got back to the hotel I was acting a little silly (probably appearing drunker than I was). When he thought I was asleep he did stuff to me sexually (penis in my mouth, fingers in both holes, hands in my mouth and he came over my face). I was frozen with fear, at first I wondered how far he would go and then I was terrified what he would do if I let on I knew what was happening. He definitely knew I was asleep and he checked my eyes 4 times (tried to open one). After he came on my face he wiped me down, then turned the light on to wake me up and get me properly into bed, acting all caring. Once we were back in bed he continued to put his fingers in my mouth and penetrate me with his fingers.
I have a baby and not many options to leave. If I confront he will deny this until his last breath. I was thinking of collecting evidence (video) and using it to help me move forward, either to confront and address this as an issue or if it goes sour to protect me during the divorce. Is this rape? Would you stand for it? Should I go down the video route? Having a baby makes this much more complicated, if I didn't have have him I would leave in a second.

OP posts:
HaveeeeYouMetTed · 09/09/2019 20:54

Yes, 100% rape & no I wouldn't tolerate it at all. I wouldn't even want to look at my other half again never mind give him chance to do it again so I could capture it on video (even though I understand your reasoning behind this).
He's treated someone he's supposed to love in the most disgusting way.
I hope you're ok & drunk or not, don't ever blame yourself. Is there anyone you can talk to who can try to help you put a plan in place to get you out of the relationship? Your child doesn't need to be brought up around a rapist.

mawof3soontobe · 09/09/2019 20:54

1 million percent sexual assault.

Wonderland18 · 09/09/2019 20:56

Baby or not. Leave him.

Quartz2208 · 09/09/2019 20:56

Yes he did and yes its rape

You do need to leave get evidence and legal advice. What is he like ourisde of this?

stopgap · 09/09/2019 20:58

One of the worst posts I’ve ever read on here. I’m sorry this happened to you, and I wouldn’t stick around a second longer.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/09/2019 21:00

That is rape, and absolutely disgusting. I think you have to leave as I do not think you are safe with someone who thinks they can use your body in that way. Tell the police, and talk to women's aid.

BarbariansMum · 09/09/2019 21:00

Dont video. Just speak to a good solicitor then (if you want to) report to the police. First though, do you have family and friends who you and the baby could stay with?

Sparklesocks · 09/09/2019 21:00

I’m so sorry, yes it absolutely is assault

BeanBag7 · 09/09/2019 21:01

(I dont understand how he checked your eyes to see if you were sleeping, when you weren't actually asleep.)

He is disgusting and what he did to you is definitely sexual assault. It is really difficult when you have a child together but you have to get away from him. He thinks he got way with it this time, I'm sure it won't be the last time. Sorry this happened to you.

fantasmasgoria1 · 09/09/2019 21:01

He definitely raped you. I went through similar many times. I never reported it or got support at the time and it's had a massive effect. Please consider reporting this to the police. My thoughts are with you and Flowers

LionKingLover · 09/09/2019 21:01

Sending you love op. That is terrible. X

RoryGillmoresEvilTwin · 09/09/2019 21:03

That has made me feel ill. He's a rapist.
I'm so sorry.
Please please leave.

justthecat · 09/09/2019 21:05

Leave and don’t look back

Raisingwildanimals · 09/09/2019 21:08

This is definitely rape. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. Definitely seek some help, even if it’s just someone to talk it through with. it’s up to you whether you want to go to the police, it’s easy to sit behind a screen and tell you to report it I can’t imagine how much more difficult it must be to actually do it.
Please leave him, you are stronger than you think. He thinks he’s gotten away with it, he WILL do this again

sheshootssheimplores · 09/09/2019 21:09

I would honestly have got up in the morning and headed straight to the police station.

doublebarrellednurse · 09/09/2019 21:09

I have a rule of thumb which is if you have to question or ask if you've been raped you probably have been.

You have been sexually assaulted without a doubt.

What you do next should at its core protect you and your child.

You said that he will deny it? How do you know? Has he behaved this way before?

Joeler · 09/09/2019 21:09

You should leave,he has betrayed you in the worst way.When you were drunk and vulnerable he abused you. How long have you been married?Has this ever happened before?

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 09/09/2019 21:10

I'm speechless op what a vile creature do you think its possible he put something in you're drink and was checking you were asleep most of what he did would wake someone unless they were unconscious the fact he was checking if you were asleep would suggest so..have you spoken to anyone in rl?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 09/09/2019 21:12

How utterly horrific. You have to leave him, you'll never feel safe again.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 09/09/2019 21:16

Why did you just put up with it? How could you pretend you were asleep?

And what difference does having a baby make? Go. And take the baby.

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Cherry4weans · 09/09/2019 21:16

I stayed too long after this and 15 years later suffer from horrific epilepsy-like seizures brought on by ptsd. Your son should be your number one reason to go. Trust me please.

Gizmo79 · 09/09/2019 21:21

Oh my. This makes me feel sick and so angry. How dare anyone do this to another human. I am so sorry.
Please, for your own MH and for your son’s future, get out. Soon.

Fresta · 09/09/2019 21:22

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dollydaydream114 · 09/09/2019 21:26

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Whitejasmine · 09/09/2019 21:26

I don’t understand - he tried to open your eyes 4 times and you didn’t tell him to “gerroff”?

You say “he definitely knew I was asleep” - but you weren’t asleep? I’m sorry I’m confused by your post.

He does sound disgusting though.

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