Did my husband rape me? **Trigger Warning** Title edited by MNHQ

[rach09998]

I went out for some drinks with my husband and when we got back to the hotel I was acting a little silly (probably appearing drunker than I was). When he thought I was asleep he did stuff to me sexually (penis in my mouth, fingers in both holes, hands in my mouth and he came over my face). I was frozen with fear, at first I wondered how far he would go and then I was terrified what he would do if I let on I knew what was happening. He definitely knew I was asleep and he checked my eyes 4 times (tried to open one). After he came on my face he wiped me down, then turned the light on to wake me up and get me properly into bed, acting all caring. Once we were back in bed he continued to put his fingers in my mouth and penetrate me with his fingers.
I have a baby and not many options to leave. If I confront he will deny this until his last breath. I was thinking of collecting evidence (video) and using it to help me move forward, either to confront and address this as an issue or if it goes sour to protect me during the divorce. Is this rape? Would you stand for it? Should I go down the video route? Having a baby makes this much more complicated, if I didn't have have him I would leave in a second.

Are you normally afraid of your DH?

Does he often like to re-enact porn scenes?

Dear God. I'm actually not quite sure how much lower in terms of degradation it's possible for anyone to sink. And it also leaves me wondering what else he's done that you don't know about and what happens if - when - this escalates. Because once someone's behaviour has reached as serious a level of depravity as this, it doesn't get better.

I am so sorry this repulsive, horrendous thing has happened to you. Please - seek counselling and take further, professional advice. Be under no illusions as to what this act entailed: it was rape. The first place I'd go would be the police, but I absolutely do realize what a shock it is when you first see the truth of a situation like this, and how difficult it can be to process it and come to a decision about how to act. But you do need to make the protection yourself and your child paramount.

I hope you have a strong support network you can rely on. Wishing you all the best, OP.

I think you know the answer.

So sorry sweetie.

Please dont doubt yourself and what you now know when you get the "why" question.

Your reaction isnt the crime or the decider.

I hope you have somewhere to go where you can be safe.

Again truly sorry

Criminal barrister here.

In no particular order:

1. assault by penetration (vaginal)
2. assault by penetration (anal)
3. (oral) rape

And victims often freeze. Not everyone is capable of speaking up.

You need to leave. Forget video evidence, go to to the police and tell them. Get safe, not expose yourself to further attack.

That is repulsive behaviour, regardless of whether you, or he, had been drinking.

It sounds like you were terrified from the outset which I find strange - I mean that if someone I trusted starting doing this sort of thing I think I'd have initially assumed that they were just messing around and wouldn't expect it to continue to penetration (even if not piv) and orgasm unless it naturally evolved into consensual sex.

Is there a history of him behaving like this?

I can speak for the OP but in general it is not at all uncommon for a person being assaulted to lie still / pretend to be asleep due to shock or fear or disbelief.

Flight. fight or freeze - all are 'valid' reactions.

OP you did nothing wrong. Your husband raped you. I am so sorry.

If you need to PM me, feel free.

OP, I’m so sorry. Leave with your baby. Sending lots of love. I know you can do it.

I’m so sorry you had to go through such a horrible frightening thing with a person who is supposed to love you.
I would leave him. And report him.

He probably watches porn and thinks it’s ok to do such things. I dont imagine this is the first time either. You deserve better than that B. The trouble with porn is that they can want to go more and more extreme and before you know it things will be out of hand and you will be in pain. Please leave him. How can you sleep knowing he may strike again. He’s horrible to you and dangerous.

Re the above PPs about why the OP was 'asleep' when she was not asleep: the third reaction people forget to mention when they talk about 'fight or flight' is 'freeze'. Most people won't ever experience the third. It's something that happens when your brain is accustomed to responding to trauma, and has been able to train itself to shut down as a preservation mechanism.

I was the victim of repeated childhood trauma and abuse. And when I was raped, exactly the same thing happened to me. So effectively, that I was able to shut out what had happened and stay in denial for around two years. And I was also diagnosed much later in life with cPTSD, one of the most serious symptoms of which was severe short-term memory loss.

Some or none of the above may apply to the OP's situation. It may well be that she doesn't even know it herself, as it took me the best part of three decades to realize its effect on me. But the OP is not to blame for going into 'freeze' mode, or of not asking her disgusting partner what the hell he thought he was playing at. I get it.

But it's hard to understand, I know, if you've never been in that position.

All of the people asking the OP why she froze or didn't act have no idea how our brains respond in times of trauma when freezing is a very common response. Each and every one of you who have questioned her response should be utterly ashamed of yourselves.

OP I hope you can get some help and get yourself away. Has anything similar ever happenend before?

Could people stop asking OP why she pretended to be asleep, and haranguing her for it?

Most people know about the “fight or flight” response; less well known is the “freeze” response, but it’s just as instinctive and is actually a very, very common response to rape (I think particularly, though not exclusively, when the rapist is someone you already know/have a relationship with).

OP was just responding in the same way countless other women would do and have done when the person they love and trust abuses them when they are at their most vulnerable. Those of you who don’t understand how she could do that need to go and educate yourselves about the psychological reality of being raped, and stop inflicting your ignorance on a woman who’s already traumatised; it’s kicking someone when they’re down.

Please stop trying to blame her in any way.

OP, that behaviour just sounds so vindictive. Checking on you to see if you actually are asleep? How is he usually with you?

As for whether or not it was rape, yes it was as you did not consent to anything. I'm sorry to hear this and I hope you are able to get yourself some support and take action for yourself to have a better life.

I'm sorry this happened to you

And I agree emphatically with what the PP who commented immediately above my post has said. He's dangerous.

It's funny. I spend a large percentage of my time prosecuting sex cases.

Threads like this, with 'why didn't you bite him' remind me why the conviction rate is still so low...

So sorry this happened to you OP. I felt uncomfortable just reading your post. I’m so sorry you went through that. 100% assault

I'm curious as to why you didn't wake up and 'accidentally' bite him?

Probably because she was terrified? Horrible victim blaming there.

Are people really still asking 'why did you put up with this??" Really!

@RumpoleoftheBaileys what a nice person you are 👍 love it when people offer genuine help to random strangers 😊
@rach09998 not sure you need another confirmation. But I agree too. 100% rape. I'm sorry.

Also for all those saying what difference does having a baby make? A lot?

I guess she is worried about the low conviction rates and sharing her baby with him half the time!

I also hope that you are okay. Please come back and let us know when you are ready and able.
Whatever you decide to do- good luck and I really hope it works out for you and your son.
There is help out there if you want to get out, f you decide to stay then I hope you know you can always get help if you need it.

OP, please ignore the idiots who are asking why you pretended to be asleep. If I said what I want to say about them, MN would have to delete this post.

Please follow @RumpoleoftheBaileys' advice. Do not put yourself at further risk by trying to gather evidence. Contact the police and get away from him.