Did my husband rape me? **Trigger Warning** Title edited by MNHQ

[rach09998]

I went out for some drinks with my husband and when we got back to the hotel I was acting a little silly (probably appearing drunker than I was). When he thought I was asleep he did stuff to me sexually (penis in my mouth, fingers in both holes, hands in my mouth and he came over my face). I was frozen with fear, at first I wondered how far he would go and then I was terrified what he would do if I let on I knew what was happening. He definitely knew I was asleep and he checked my eyes 4 times (tried to open one). After he came on my face he wiped me down, then turned the light on to wake me up and get me properly into bed, acting all caring. Once we were back in bed he continued to put his fingers in my mouth and penetrate me with his fingers.
I have a baby and not many options to leave. If I confront he will deny this until his last breath. I was thinking of collecting evidence (video) and using it to help me move forward, either to confront and address this as an issue or if it goes sour to protect me during the divorce. Is this rape? Would you stand for it? Should I go down the video route? Having a baby makes this much more complicated, if I didn't have have him I would leave in a second.

When my dd was raped recently the PTSD counsellor explained that you don’t choose which of the flight, fight or freeze reactions you ‘do’ it just happens.

So sorry op, this is definitely assault.

rach, you explained what happened so clearly. Please ignore all the posters who are questioning your behaviour. As pp have said, that 'freeze' response is an entirely normal and natural one, which may well prevent further harm. I think you already knew the answer to your question when you posted. This man obviously doesn't love you, he doesn't even respect you as a person.

Eventually, you will have to leave him, both for your sake and your baby's. You don't feel ready now, and that's fine. At the moment, try to think about leaving him as something that IS going to happen. The more you accept it, the more you will find ways to make it happen.

So sorry you have gone through this op. Yes he sexually assaulted you have you got some real life support?

Sending so much love and strength to you rach.

Please do contact Rumpole the previous poster and whether you come back to post again or not, please get support from friends or family and get away from him x

God, what a horrible thing for him to do.

Has he ever behaved abusively before?

Hmmm, her husband starts monstrously sexually assaulting her when he thinks she's asleep and people can't figure out why she might be petrified of what he might do if she tried to stop him?

He was already brutally physically assaulting her. What more evidence did she need to freeze in fear? Sheesh, these people.

Yes, OP. That was rape. A brutal one. He's a monster. I would absolutely go to a refuge for that, he's terrifying and you are in terrible danger.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you rach09998
Yes you were raped and I really hope that you can find help to leave him.

All the posters saying why didn't you tell him to get off, why didn't you bite him, why didn't you do blah blah. It's clear that you sanctimonious self righteous Twats have never been in this situation. Just fuck the fuck off and stop the victim blaming. As a pp said you posters are the reason that many rape cases fail. 1st rule of misogyny is that women are responsible for everything men say and do, check your internalised misogyny

Call the police.
Sending love op.

Do yo have video? To. Help you

Sadly this behaviour happens more often than we think. When we are asleep we are vulnerable and unaware what is being done to us.

In varying degrees I think most of us have been assaulted during sleep by a current or ex partner. From fondling to penetration. It’s not right.

So sorry this happened to you. Stay safe- remove yourself and your child from harm and seek help.

What video evidence would you collect OP?

rach00098 this is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read on here.
It smacks of someone who is watching a lot of porn.
He wanted you completely passive.
He was getting off on being able to use you as HE wanted, rather than having fun together.
Disgusting, depraved creature.
Actually I think I should stop because it might hurt you more someone emphasising what you know, in your own mind, he has done.
You poor soul. The thought of you lying there, disbelieving and petrified, while he did this to you is utterly miserable.
Posts like this make me petrified for my daughter and the world we’re now in

If you don't feel able to contact the police just yet, maybe write/type down somewhere secure exactly what you remember from start to finish. It will be horrible to do but memories fade and you may need that in future. Do it while the memory is still fresh

Also please make sure there is no way he can see this thread.
Do you have Mumsnet customised so that your own posts are highlighted?
He would know what you’ve written.
He is unquestionably dangerous.
to Marievanarkke stinks and Cherry4weans.

Also rach, please take heed that you cannot repeatedly bury this sort of thing. Your mind will find some way of drawing your attention to it.

Did you see Cherrywean’s post:

I stayed too long after this and 15 years later suffer from horrific epilepsy-like seizures brought on by ptsd. Your son should be your number one reason to go. Trust me please.

In the Harvey Weinstein film, nearly all of his rape victims froze.

Yes, this is definitely sexual assault, and I'm not one to say this lightly. Because you mention video evidence, do you have it?

For clarification, there are couples who may try to get their partner sexually aroused while they are sleeping so they wake up and can have consensual sex with them. This is not one of those times - he violated you in many different ways, and climaxed all the while knowing you were asleep. This is very different to "honey wake up, I'm kinda horny"

If you have video evidence, use it.

@fresta does it matter why she pretended to be asleep? Maybe she was hoping he’d lose interest. Maybe she froze. Focus on the man who wants to have sexual contact with someone who cannot cobsent.

This is absolutely disgusting!

Do not stay there any longer to collect evidence. Leave right now and call the police. He was doing things he knows 100% you would never consent to in normal circumstances so he has taken the opportunity to do it while you are unable to say no or stop it. This is classed as rape/sexual abuse and there's no variation on that.

I feel sick to my stomach. I have thoughts with you OP. You must be feeling extremely violated

I think you already know the answer sweetheart - yes it is rape. Please tell the police or someone you trust in real life.

I am so sorry this has happened to you, I think you do know this was rape. Ignore posters asking why you froze, these situations are horrific and deeply affronting as to our individual responses.
Please know there are help organisations available like Refuge, who can help you.
Call the police and let them help you. Tell someone trusted in real life too and please never blame yourself.

Imagine being so insensitive and ignorant that you would ask someone why they let themselves be raped. Do you see yourselves ladies? What utter tits.

I hope you are doing ok OP. I would imagine your world feels very shattered right now and your mind hyper vigilant and anxious. This is a natural reaction to trauma. Your bubble of what was "safe" is now gone and your brain is peddling hard to help you deal. Please take your time but keep yourself safe.

This is horrifying. If you were asleep, pretending to be asleep or frozen he should not have done any of the things he did to you, because you did not or could no consent. Like someone mentioned upthread, if someone was trying to get amorous whilst you were asleep and you responded favourably that is one thing. But shoving his dick in your mouth, cumming on your face, and raping you is an entirely different thing. He sounds cold, calculated and unhinged. Please call Rape crisis or go to the police. You will be handled sensitively. Write it down if you cant say what he did to you outloud.

Is this the first time it has happened? From the tone if your post I am guessing not.

How old is your baby? You deserve so much better and he deserves to be charged.

Hope your okay, and I hope you get the strength to report him and leave ❤️❤️❤️