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Original poster

Male friends - am I being naive or is DH being unreasonable?

68 replies

ABitCheesedOff · 08/08/2007 22:48

I met someone through work a while back who is divorced with 2 children of similar ages to mine who, like me, is also alone a lot at weekends (my DH works long hours and often at weekends). We arranged to meet up for a picnic one Sunday, had a nice time, kids enjoyed themselves, saved us spending yet another weekend bored at home. Told DH about it (before and after) and he was annoyed because this someone is a single Dad. He?s in a new relationship and knows I?m happily married. I don?t fancy him, nor does he fancy me, we are just two parents who are after a bit of company for ourselves and our children on an otherwise dull weekend. At least that?s how I see it. DH hasn?t met him and is highly suspicious of his motives.

I don?t want to stop being friends with him (which is what DH would like), but nor do I want to get into a major row about this. Is my DH right to be so jealous? He says it?s not me he doesn?t trust but my friend.

Am I justified in feeling cheesed off do you think? Is he being as unreasonable as I think he is?

OP posts:
UpsetWifeandOtherWoman · 08/08/2007 22:55

God, it really p!sses me off that SO many people seem unable to grasp the simple concept that man and woman can indeed enjoy each other's company and be friends, without them needing to shag each other's brains out. Makes me so cross. Anyone who says you are naive or leading the man astray, is being TOTALLY unreasonable. He is happily loved up, as are you; why would you want to have sex with someone just because your kids play together over a picnic!?

Tinker · 08/08/2007 22:56

Hmm, tricky. I know the right answer is "you're right" but...how well do you get on with single dad? Very very well or he'll do for pleasant company well?

millie99 · 08/08/2007 22:56

May be entirely innocent but would you be happy with him meeting up with a single mum?

normabutty · 08/08/2007 22:57

He's being unreasonable but it might be worth your while to let them meet so he can see that there's nothing to worry about (to save arguing about it)

littlelapin · 08/08/2007 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madamez · 08/08/2007 23:08

He is being unreasonable. You have every right to have friends without being suspected of wanting to rip their pants off all the time. If your DP is a generally good bloke who has just absorbed too much monogamist propaganda about the impossibility of having non-sexual friendships then maybe you could set up a meeting between you and your DP and the friend and his new laydee for mutual reassurance. However if your DP fusses about you having any friendships he hasn't vetted or permitted, take heed of the warning signs: possessive partners are always bad news and you need to be firm and stand your ground rather than pander to jealousy.

fiddlemama · 08/08/2007 23:13

Sorry to butt in as a newbie and ignore me if you wish, but you said your kids were with you on this picnic? Can't think of better chaperones!
Now if you'd sloped off for a dinner a deux he might have something to get in a tizz about.
Stick to your guns girl, you've a right to choose your own friends.
Whatever happened to trust?

daisyandbabybootoo · 08/08/2007 23:24

I don't think he's being unreasonable as such and can see why he is a tad jealous, but I can also understand your frustration.

Can you arrange for them to meet, with this chap's new woman so he can see there's nothing to be jealous of?

swalesie · 08/08/2007 23:51

Would you see it as ok for dp to meet another woman like this? If no then i thin k you have your answer.

Personally if i was him i wouldnt like it, but thats just me and my insecuritys (?).

Tortington · 08/08/2007 23:55

nah harry met sally is right yes sireeeee.

binklehasflipped · 09/08/2007 00:01

I dont think he's being unreasonable - his wife swanning off at wkends with another bloke - friends or not - whilst he's at work must sting a bit. Maybe he would really like to spend that time with his family but cant because of work commitments. If you value this guy's company more than your dh's feelings go ahead tho but HINBU in my opinion

fiddlemama · 09/08/2007 00:54

Binklehasflipped. Yes but would he react the same if it was a single mum with kids that ABitCheesedOff were going on picnics with? What should be the difference and where does it all end?
Shall we stop all domesticated dads from joining M & T groups "no, sorry, you have to stay at home with your kids. We don't want you here 'cos we might make friends and our hubbies will flip, especially if you happen to be a tad good looking. Come off it! This is the 21st century.
We have to stay at home and tend to our flabby bellies and stretchmarks whilst gorgeous 25 year olds with washboard stomachs accompany our hard working hubbies on business trips, enjoying a "nightcap" with him after the evening meeting, sleeping in the next door room in the hotel. That's OK 'cos women are entitled to equal rights in the workplace but we can't chum up with a like minded person with kids the same age when hubby's away and have a bit of innocent fun with them on a picnic? - In the open air?? - With people all around and kids for minders??!!!!!

PrincessGoodLife · 09/08/2007 06:22

[big burst of applause for fiddlemama's fantastically phrased outburst!]

Abitcheesedoff - I'd let them meet and take it from there.

Nightynight · 09/08/2007 07:18

no he is not being unreasonable!
ime when harry met sally is right - there is almost never genuine friendship between a man and a woman without an element of fancying on one side, even if neither intend to do anything about it.
this subject comes up often on mumsnet, and there are always loads of people who think its perfectly ok and very healthy for married women to be going out with men other than their partner. Personally, I wouldnt put myself in the situation where either (a) my husband would wonder or (b) I might get tempted on a bad day.

as for the single dads, there are plenty of single mothers for them to go out with. parent and toddler groups have no reason to exclude dads, because they are a GROUP setting, not a 1+1 outing. A totally different situation.

ib · 09/08/2007 07:32

Unless he thinks he is going to rape you he doesn't need to trust him, just you.

SugaryBits · 09/08/2007 07:34

I think he is being unreasonable. What could possibly happen on a picnic with your children around? It upsets me that there is so much suspicion surrounding male/female friendships.

I also don't understand the "it's not you I don't trust- it's them". Surely if your DH trusts you then whether or not the other guy trys it on your DH knows you wouldn't reciprocate.

I have a very close male friend. We meet during the day with my DC, he comes over to my house to spend the evening with me and my DH and we go out to dinner/have a drink alone. DH does not have a problem with this at all but it's amazing how many of his and my friends do!

PippiLangstrump · 09/08/2007 07:35

yes you can be friends.

but I think that most often the man wouldn't mind taking it further, just for the sake of it. however in my exp if you do not show any signs of similar thinking, such thought can stay in his head and you can keep having a nice friendship/companionship.

I do meet regularly with some male friends (pre DH) for drinks and dinners. I don't see anything wrong with it. DH might be a bit jealous at times but he is perfectly okay with it - he met them and he knows we are more than happily married.

I suggest you take your DH along once, so he'll see for himself.

Men do not trust other men in general but he should trust you.

Furball · 09/08/2007 07:46

Just a thought, but how would you feel if it was your dh going for a fun picnic with another mum?

FioFio · 09/08/2007 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ABitCheesedOff · 09/08/2007 07:57

So far then the majority of you agree with me. And I can totally see why the rest of you don't. What annoys me the most is that I'm not looking for an affair, just someone (anyone!) for occasional company on days when I'm alone with the kids.

Tinker - We have work and our kids in common, that's it really. No flirting. He knows I'm off limits and what it's like to be left by his wife for another man.

Millie - DH works with plenty of women I've never met, is often out on the razzle with them in fact (leaving parties etc) and it doesn't bother me, I trust him.

Fiddlemama - my point precisely. And all the kids are old enough to notice any dodgy behaviour!

I'm hatching a plot to get them to meet now, as it's probably the only way to resolve the situation.

OP posts:
Quincywincy · 09/08/2007 07:59

I wouldn't have it at all if it were Dh and he knows this. He has cheated on me more than once and knows he has no more chances. TBH dh is extremely naive and doesn't realise that so many women target married men- he has fallen for this many a time.

Is there any history which would make him insecure (which applies to me)Did any of his exes cheat on him?

Agree with custardo.

FioFio · 09/08/2007 08:00

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
ABitCheesedOff · 09/08/2007 08:01

ib/Sugarybits/pippi - quite right about the trust. Even if friend had ideas, I'd put him straight. I don't fancy him!

OP posts:
Quincywincy · 09/08/2007 08:09

Tell me about it Fio. One vile cow who I worked with was harping on about a guy she had her sights on in another dept, she told me marrieds were more of a challenge/prize. I took great delight in telling her he was my husband and to keep her stinky hands off. (dh and I do not share surnames)

PippiLangstrump · 09/08/2007 08:13

exactly!

I am quite flattered if someone fancies DH, what I won't like is seeing him fancing someone else!

I think DH feels the same. he knows there are some at work for example who might go for it if I gave them the chance... but it's not what they want that counts is it? It's whether i want it or not.

and yes I might be more suspicious at first if DH starts going out wit a woman, reason being he's never done it since I've known him. He's got two friends!!!! while he has known me this way, IYSWIM. But if it will happen I'll investigate it.