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Relationships

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Original poster

Male friends - am I being naive or is DH being unreasonable?

68 replies

ABitCheesedOff · 08/08/2007 22:48

I met someone through work a while back who is divorced with 2 children of similar ages to mine who, like me, is also alone a lot at weekends (my DH works long hours and often at weekends). We arranged to meet up for a picnic one Sunday, had a nice time, kids enjoyed themselves, saved us spending yet another weekend bored at home. Told DH about it (before and after) and he was annoyed because this someone is a single Dad. He?s in a new relationship and knows I?m happily married. I don?t fancy him, nor does he fancy me, we are just two parents who are after a bit of company for ourselves and our children on an otherwise dull weekend. At least that?s how I see it. DH hasn?t met him and is highly suspicious of his motives.

I don?t want to stop being friends with him (which is what DH would like), but nor do I want to get into a major row about this. Is my DH right to be so jealous? He says it?s not me he doesn?t trust but my friend.

Am I justified in feeling cheesed off do you think? Is he being as unreasonable as I think he is?

OP posts:

PippiLangstrump · 09/08/2007 08:14

qincy. please describe her fac to me when you said that!!! I wish I could see that.

FioFio · 09/08/2007 08:15

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Quincywincy · 09/08/2007 08:22

Well actually she was quite skilled at looking unfazed. Then again perhaps she wasn't. She kind of giggled and said she knew we were married and that he was far oo fat for her to like anyway.

She didn't last very long. She ended up having an affair with one of our clients- it all got a bit messy

harpsichordcarrier · 09/08/2007 08:28

he is being hugely, massively unreasonable. his groundless jealousy is not your problem.
how horrible for SAHDs and single dads and indeed Dads that they cannot be friends with other parents without everyone getting suspicious.
I think it is pretty sad when a partner cannot trust their partner to be in the same room with someone of the opposite sex without thinking they are going to - what, exactly?? it shows massive insecurity on the part of the other person unless of course they have grounds for suspicion in which case it says something not great about the relationship that you only trust your partner not to sleep with someone else if you keep them segregated .
as for "He says it?s not me he doesn?t trust but my friend" how patronising is that? that you are at risk of being "led astray"? are you a child??
and as for needing chaperones well words fail me. have i fallen into
a Georgette Heyer novel by mistake

Quincywincy · 09/08/2007 08:37

I agree Harpsi- In case that was directed at me. Our relationship is not in a good place right now. I was just being honest.

PippiLangstrump · 09/08/2007 08:39

... spitting feathers.... LOL! never heard this expression before, but couldn't be more apt Fiofio!

berolina · 09/08/2007 08:40

Until mat leave I worked 3 days a week. On those 3 days dh had ds. He would go out for the day once a week with a close female friend of ours and her ds. Of course I would have liked to be with them rather than sitting in the office, but jealousy? No need. He has also, over the course of our relationship, had other female friends he sees alone, and I have had male ones (the friends in question have moved away/we have lost touch). Neither of us have the slightest moment's problem with any of this - why on earth should we?

I don't really buy the 'he trusts me, but not my friend' thing. Surely if he trusts you, that's enough?

harpsichordcarrier · 09/08/2007 08:44

oh no quincy, I wasn't directing it at you sorry! It is unacceptable for anyone to target someone who is married. bleugh.

I must say I find this thread deeply depressing. that people find it reasonable that a man should object to his wife spending time with another man simply because he is a man. that two people can't be friends, they must be planning to have sex with each other.....

Quincywincy · 09/08/2007 08:53

Dont apologise H. No need and as I said I agree with you. Before my dh's cheating I was the most laid back of partners and coudn't care less where he went and who he saw. I figured that there was no need to be jealous, that he was with me for a reason and that if he wanted someone else then he wouldn't be married to me.

Well I am a totally different person now, it's not nice.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's all very well saying to ABCO that it's her dh's problem if he feels so insecure but it is her problem as well- she's married to him and has to put up with it Perhaps try talking to him about why he feels this way.

I'll bet there's some dodgy history there.

FioFio · 09/08/2007 08:56

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FioFio · 09/08/2007 08:57

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harpsichordcarrier · 09/08/2007 08:57

yes I agree she needs to talk to him but tbh I wouldn't say this is ripe for compromise, sorry. because I wouldn't want to set the precedent that it is ok to control who I see for no good reason at all, except the person is of the opposite sex. this is a personal thing of course - I would hate a relationship like this where you weren't treated like an adult (in my view)
I would say set up a meeting so he can see this guy for himself. maybe with the other guy's partner as well?

harpsichordcarrier · 09/08/2007 09:00

oh don't get me wrong I know all about jealousy
it is sad though how much this reveals about our views of men and women.
a man wouldn't possibly be friends with a woman unless he is sexually interested in her, and can't possibly control his dick
and a woman can't be left alone with a man who isn't her husband unless chaperoned otherwise Something will happen even if she doesn't want it to!
honestly, this is biblical stuff.

FioFio · 09/08/2007 09:03

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Original poster

ABitCheesedOff · 09/08/2007 09:07

Quincy - no dodgy history. I was his first serious relationship. Maybe that's the problem in fact, as now that I think about it he has got quite worked up in the past at the thought of my ex-boyfriends. I've never given him cause to be jealous, but he seems to be that way inclined, sadly.

I love him, he's a great husband and dad, a kind and hard-working bloke. I love our life together and don't want to cause upset but I would like to be able to choose my own friends without feeling guilty.

I can feel a conversation coming on...

OP posts:

harpsichordcarrier · 09/08/2007 09:43

well obviously my views are to do with my personal traumas too

I had a very close friend at university who helped me through some difficult times (and vice versa) and we used to spend a lot of time together. I was going out with someone at the time but there was no issue. then my friend started to see someone and she insisted he didn't see me any more. I have to say I felt absolutely gutted about it, I was heart broken, worse than a romantic breakup in lots of ways because in the end you can just say, well we weren't right for each other, but when a friend bins you so very publicly it goes to the centre of who you are. I started to doubt whether he ever was friends with me at all and I was sorry for confiding in him and trusting in him and allowing myself to rely on him. and I was angry with him for giving into her unreasonable demands because I thought it was weak. (I am a bit more understanding now....) also I thought everyone would think we had been shagging all along! which they did . It didn't help that at the time I had just lost another close friend and felt very alone. anyway I still find it difficult to get close to friends because of this even now. I have a very close male friend and when he starts to see someone I find myself withdrawing from him and becoming very cold to him.
on the other hand my dad was very reliable

harpsichordcarrier · 09/08/2007 09:45

god sorry ABCO I appear to have spilled my guts out on your thread
I think I am in confessional mode this week!
sorry

littlelapin · 09/08/2007 09:53

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harpsichordcarrier · 09/08/2007 09:58

little lapin, what is an "inappropriate attachment"?
are you saying it is ok for a dh to veto someone from seeing a friend of the opposite sex just in case he.... what?
in that situation, ABCO would be abel to handle it, surely? surely she can be trusted to set the boundaries of her own friendships, without her dh doing it for her?
it all sounds really controlling to me

Original poster

ABitCheesedOff · 09/08/2007 10:02

Harpsi - spill away! It highlights how complicated these relationships can be...

LL - You're right about him not spending as much time with us as he'd like. We all complain about it. I understand his suspicion, but I'd like him to understand our need for occasional company, too.

OP posts:

littlelapin · 09/08/2007 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

berolina · 09/08/2007 10:37

LL, I can understand that someone might feel like this about a partner's friendships (although it is foreign to dh and myself - and we have had 'situations' projected onto us - when we had a long-distance marriage and he had a close friendship with a female fellow student, a lot of people suspected them of shagging ), I just don't think it's necessarily something which should make the other partner restrict their friendships.

flowerybeanbag · 09/08/2007 10:59

I think your DH is probably technically being a bit unreasonable, but I also think he has a right to feel a bit wary about this man's motives. He may only need to trust you not the other man, as people have said, but presumably he wouldn't want this man making a move on you whether he thinks you would do it or not?
I think if DH can meet this man and his family all together, is reassured, he would then be unreasonable if he continues to object.
Also as someone else said can't remember who, he is not spending time with his family at the weekend, so it's fair enough to feel a bit disgruntled anyway.

fiddlemama · 09/08/2007 13:30

Harsichordcarrier. The reference to chaperones was meant to be ironic but it was late and I was tired and feeling a bit low (history).
Sorry if my outburst was OTT but still think Abitcheesedoff's DH is out of order.

binklehasflipped · 09/08/2007 14:21

Again, I think its more about the friend filling dh's shoes when he cant be there because of work that is making your dh feel uncomfortable and that I can understand.

And as it happens I think this can be the same regardless of the sex of the friend

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