Tick chart on fridge for DP too far?

[Nancyjuice7]

For some background we both work full time in stressful jobs in different sectors, mine is emotionally demanding and his physically/mentally, we both manage teams.
At home this just goes all out the window, he's lazy about housework and it's driving me insane. I do probably 70%, he does his own washing etc but everything else I mostly do. We recently got a dishwasher and pot washing was his job, but now that's arrived it's like he's lost a job but not offered to do any of mine. So here's the list I'm planning to write up at work and print off and stick on the fridge, we'll tick off tasks when done. Purely because I want to show him how much I do, and how little he does. Is this unfair / immature to do??

JOB |. NAME | NAME

• emptying bins and clean bin bag in (yes I have to state the second part)
• put out wheelie bins
• bring in wheelie bins
• pick up dog shite from garden
• wipe sides down
• make bed
• empty dish washer
• load dishwasher
• feed dog
• make dogs meal prep
• give dog medication morning
• give dog medication evening
• fresh water bowl
• walk dog
• bleach toilets
• cook tea
• make cups of tea
• food shop
• hoover downstairs

Currently he does : wipe sides and takes the dog out once a week, probably makes me three a cup of tea a week for me if I'm being kind.

Is there anything I've missed and please tell me if I'm being a belittling cow for printing this off??

Washing clothes, cleaning/hoovering floors, windows, gardening, cleaning the car, cleaning the hob/oven, wiping down cupboards, cleaning the shower, wash basin

He does his own washing and cleans his own car - and he manages to keep that spotless.
Will add the mopping floors and cleaning of bathrooms!

Lists work really well for some people!

Would not bother with giving him such a list, he is not a child. He is an adult who holds down a job too so is capable of doing tasks within the home.

He most likely sees all that list of yours as "yours/womens work" rather than jobs to be shared (it may well be that his own mother too ran around after he and his dad when he was younger. You may simply have carried on housework wise where she left off). So he will either not do this at all or do the task so badly that you will never ask him to do that again.

I would also be asking your own self why you are with such an individual in the first place. You may well love him but love is not enough in such situations.

We’re about to have to start this (DH doesn’t know yet tho....!) as, like you we both work full time but I also do most of the housework. I genuinely think Dh doesn’t know what it takes to run a house. Anyway, rather than allocating jobs I’m going to make a list of daily tasks so he can see what needs to be done in the hope it will be a wake up and miraculously he’ll think ‘wow my wife really does do a lot.....and I need to do more’. If that doesn’t work then I’ll allocate and explain why. My own fault for marrying a man straight out of his mothers hovel.

yes I expect he manages to do a pretty good job at work without anyone giving him any lists

I mean it's hardly rocket science that you have to do a food shop?! He's making choices OP.

@AttilaTheMeerkat The list is not me asking him to do the tasks, but rather when either one of us have completed such task that we "tick" next to it.
At the end of the week I'm hoping to show him how many ticks are in my column.
His mother did A LOT for him and even cut his toe nails before we met!! She takes great pride in caring for "her boys" but I don't think she sees she's created lazy sods.

Problem is he genuinely thinks he does his fair share! We have had arguments about this and he'll protest he took the bin out once last week (?!) how am I being so unfair and in the moment my mind goes blank so I can only lists 2-3 things I've done, it never ends positive.

@Wibblewobble99 my exact thoughts! Seems we are going through the same issue. I also moved in with DP with him fresh from his mothers so I don't he sees what it take s

Give him gold stars every time he completes a task

I love this! Want one just for me; ADHD meds run out in the early afternoon so a reminder chart would be such a help.

Now if only I remember to make one tomorrow....

My fanny would regrow it's hymen in the face of such an unattractive and lazy mate.

Not ticks, initials.

And add tasks to the list as you do them and use the list with the additional tasks for the next week.

He shouldn't need a list but he does. And don't blame his mother. He has eyes. And a brain. And at one point a father, I'm assuming. Does his father do anything?

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Hahaha if all else fails I'll show him this thread and say seeeeee not cleaning is repulsive in more ways than one!

Only you know him well enough to know if this will help or hinder your situation. But the fact that you are trying to address it and show who does what needs to be totally thorough, ie you need to include car valeting and stuff he does and you don't too in the spirit of fairness. Otherwise there's a possibility he will dismiss it as rubbish and you will feel more aggrieved.

Good luck with it all !

@MrsTerryPratchett Very good point to eradicate foul play with the ticks.

There are others tasks that we do as a team - on a Saturday we'll do a big clean and to his credit he does help with that. But the issue is everyday mundane tasks that need doing that he won't.

He hasn't seen his father since he was 7. His stepdad is a chef so does all the cooking at home and mum does all the rest. He has had good roles models

( sorry for lapse punctuation, distracted as everything just gone off and I'm now sitting in darkness ? How odd !)

@666onmyhead
Yip good idea, I'll add car valeting to list

I have not read through the thread but in the past when I had a similar issue with DH I sat down and wrote down a list of all daily, weekly and monthly jobs and approx how long they take. Interestedly DH added jobs that he did that I had not even thought about. Together we then choose the jobs we each wanted to do.

@hormonesorDHbeingadick
Could be a good idea once we've been through this chart idea to debrief and go through like you did. Did this changes things after having them all written down?

I'm wondering who the dog belongs to, as there are a lot of dog related tasks on that list.

Another view of it all would be for you to just do a couple of tasks that you like, and leave everything else. How long would it be before he mentioned the problems? What solutions do you think he would come up with?

The list is the result of your frustration, but will it make him join in with the TEAM, which is what you really want the outcome to be.

Who cuts his toe nails now?

I don't think a tick list on the fridge is the right approach. Kind of passive aggressive. The underlying issue is that you feel taken for granted.

I'd make a log of what you do vs what he does in a week then SIT DOWN to discuss and work on a fairer system together. He has to care, it's not enough to allocate tasks. If he doesn't care about the house then he has to care about you. If he doesn't care about you then there's a problem.

Make it clear you don't want to spend huge amounts of your life doing chores so he doesn't have to. But don't ambush him sigh a list he hasn't agreed to.

Also if you're sharing jobs you have to be open to differences of opinion eg how things are done or how often.

@AdaColeman The dog is both of ours and we've had him together since he was a tiny pup. We agree mostly on the dog "parenting" and we agree which days of the week each of us will walk him and when the dog walker will when we're at work

@horse4course I feel like I've had the sit down chat with him and he couldn't see that he does far less? He said I'm making a big deal out of small tasks but he dosnt see that all the small tasks are time consuming. Such as I do all the cooking, which he says "oh 30mins to cook ###" what he dosnt see is the meal prepping, buying the stuff, remembering to take out of freezer day before etc. And that's what I have the issue with, it's like he doesn't see those tasks even exist. As before he did the pots afterward but since we've got a dishwasher it's only worked in his favour as he's lost a job

@AnneLovesGilbert He does his own - and manages just fine!