Tick chart on fridge for DP too far?

[Nancyjuice7]

For some background we both work full time in stressful jobs in different sectors, mine is emotionally demanding and his physically/mentally, we both manage teams.
At home this just goes all out the window, he's lazy about housework and it's driving me insane. I do probably 70%, he does his own washing etc but everything else I mostly do. We recently got a dishwasher and pot washing was his job, but now that's arrived it's like he's lost a job but not offered to do any of mine. So here's the list I'm planning to write up at work and print off and stick on the fridge, we'll tick off tasks when done. Purely because I want to show him how much I do, and how little he does. Is this unfair / immature to do??

JOB |. NAME | NAME

• emptying bins and clean bin bag in (yes I have to state the second part)
• put out wheelie bins
• bring in wheelie bins
• pick up dog shite from garden
• wipe sides down
• make bed
• empty dish washer
• load dishwasher
• feed dog
• make dogs meal prep
• give dog medication morning
• give dog medication evening
• fresh water bowl
• walk dog
• bleach toilets
• cook tea
• make cups of tea
• food shop
• hoover downstairs

Currently he does : wipe sides and takes the dog out once a week, probably makes me three a cup of tea a week for me if I'm being kind.

Is there anything I've missed and please tell me if I'm being a belittling cow for printing this off??

His mother cut his toenails up until you got together ?

If someone scoffs at you doing the cooking by saying it doesn’t take long they are a pisstaker. They know this is a big chore.

Tell him that the cooking is now his responsibility as you've done your stint at it.

If you are the main user of the vacuum, get a robot one.

You need a man not a teenager
A list won't help

@prawnsword Correct. He showed me a photo once of him sat on the sofa with his mother knelt on a towel with his foot on her leg while she cut and filed them. I was gob smacked, and he found it amusing. He knows that was a piss take but it shocked me he still let her

@Shoxfordian you'd think so, he's 34 at Christmas so no excuse

Getting the vibe you think the toe cutting story is kind of endearing & the list idea is a cute concept. But to me personally this is really off.

He knows exactly how much the women in his life do for him. This isn’t a regular chore list, you are trying to desperately show someone how much work you do. The problem is this person is probably selfish, lazy & if they admit how much extra you do then they might be forced to help more

He sees these jobs as women’s work. Am sure he holds primitive views of women in other areas of life too. Taking a photo proudly while your mum is down at your feet says a lot - picture says a thousand words right there!

Also if his mum cuts his toes without complaint then why can’t you just do your wifely & stop whining & nagging like a wench & let the man relax!

You will never have a breakthrough moment with someone like this. He will only care how much you do & be willing to step up when he realises he will lose you - and even then, he will only change when life may become uncomfortable for him. He won’t compromise to accomodate your discomfort.

Also if you leave he will probably go back to his mother where he has it even better. Tough situation...I would stop doing all his washing at minimum

It could work. My partner never realised how much I did when he was at work (I WFH) so I made a similar list, putting initials next to who did what. I had the vast majority, he had a couple (washing up and emptying the bin) and his son had absolutely zero ticks next to his name.

It was eye opening, and he now helps me much more.

Yeah. Next stage after putting up the list and “nagging” him to use it will be leaving post it notes around to remind him to read the fucking list

Did you know about the toe nail thing before you moved in with him? Did you think “l’ll change him”?

Tell us about his good points!

Cooking..one week on one week off each takes full responsibility buying prepping etc. On their week.
This will illustrate what is involved..

Who ever doesn't cook washes up.
Get a cleaner for the big clean.

His mother cut his toenails 🤮

I'm not sure if your list is comprehensive enough.

It might help to have a look at TOMM. There are printable sheets with job lists for each day on them. You could just follow that between you.

@numberwang2019 I like the comedic reference in your name & also share a distaste for imagery of men getting their toenails clipped by mummy

It’s almost as bad as that other “I want bitty!” skit by another famous comedic duo...

Who ever doesn't cook washes up.

I know this is commonly suggested but it’s risky if one of you is a use every pan and utensil type cook so proceed with caution.

Whoever doesn't cook, washes up

Read the thread, washing the pots was his job, but now they have a dishwasher.

I've done the exact same thing! It worked for about two months-now slipping again. He says he will pay a cleaner but that money cups be spent on other things we need more and there is really no need if he'd kJ just do his half! It's the only thing we argue about really...very frustrating.

What’s TOMM?

I’m not sure this will work. Might it be better to sit down with a list of non-negotiables that need doing every day/week and allocate them fairly? Including him cooking for at least one/two nights a week (including organising where the ingredients come from).

I would willingly starve while waiting for my dh to work out there was a shop nearby.

Actually I would suggest just cooking for yourself. Because it hardly takes any time he can do his own, and you’ll do your own dishes. You need some actions not just a list.

The problem with a list is that there are some really quick jobs on there (putting bins out / feeding dog) vs some really time intensive ones. Listing cups of tea makes you look insanely petty.

Sit down with him and communicate with him - once a week, both of you sit down and work out a meal plan for the week ahead - plan who will cook on which days, and make a shopping list from that.

That seems to be your main bugbear. You say he does his fair share of the weekly cleaning and dog stuff, so that seems like it’s the only big thing left?

I would buy him Peppa Pig stickers too

He most likely sees all that list of yours as "yours/womens work" rather than jobs to be shared (it may well be that his own mother too ran around after he and his dad when he was younger. You may simply have carried on housework wise where she left off). So he will either not do this at all or do the task so badly that you will never ask him to do that again.

And what prawnsword wrote earlier. You will never get through to someone like this.

And he has a photo which he showed off to you proudly of his mother cutting his toenails; who died and made him king?.

On a wider note I blame his mother as much as anyone else here and no he did not see good role models at home in either she or his stepfather.

I honestly think a list like this would have saved my marriage! haha obviously I am joking but I had a lazy ex and it drove me crazy!!!!!!!!!! Thing is these are the kind of lists I write for myself now to keep me right and I tick them off as I go so I wouldn't see a problem with it. keeps everyone right!

You can't cure him OP. This will be your frustration for ever. Even if The List sorts things for a while, it won't last for long. And who will be policing The List? You? Aren't there better things to do with your time? I hope you don't have children, because it will only get worse.

He sounds awful tbh - showing you a picture of his mother cutting his nails?!