Failed after 32 years, can’t keep it together

[Squarepegina]

In such a sad and tormented position. Met at 16 and married for 32 years. Two children now adults. Created a tight secure family and in the last five years I’ve become so unhappy with my husband and relationship I just can’t face spending the last third of my life with him.

Relatively happy years together, faced a lot of trauma together and I always believed our marriage was forever. I’ve tried to rationally understand why I’m feeling the way I do. I’ve looked at empty nest syndrome, but actually I’ve loved having time to myself and working more hours. I’ve taken up new interests to meet more friends and I’ve enjoyed that too.

But I don’t love my husband anymore. Rationally the reasons being, he’s a shouter and we have no interests in common. Which sounds clear cut but actually the shouting has got steadily worse and I’ve become more and more detached. I don’t want to be in my 70s being shouted at. We’ve discussed the shouting at length but he truly believes that his shouting is something he can’t control and is only in response to me being horrible or unreasonable. He never shouts outside the house or at anyone else. And the common interests thing is more of an issue now that time I feel is running out and I want to get on and do things. In practise this means I am now doing lots of things on my own, which can be lonely at times but also is underlining the separation in our relationship.

Every time I get to the point of walking away I feel such guilt, at blowing up all the work I’ve put in to create a close family unit, failure at not going the distance and fear that it’s my failings that’s creating the situation.

Weekends are intolerable, weekdays bearable because we’re at work. Last night he discussed early retirement and I don’t know how to deal with it. My own happiness sounds so selfish. And yet my two best friends died at 44 and 56 so I know we only get one shot at this and I’m terribly unhappy. I’m also making him unhappy which is dreadful too. I feel a coward.

Anyone in the same boat ? It feels desperately lonely.

I don’t have any real advice OP but I truly feel for you. I once got told that old age is a gift, not a right and you should live accordingly.
Your current situation isn’t working and it isn’t fair to both parties for you to stay with someone you don’t love or really like all that much anymore.
You sound like you have already made your mind up that your relationship can’t be salvaged- which is absolutely fine- but you need to bite the bullet. Do the right thing and tell him so you can both move on with your new chapters separately.
Good luck x

Ok. The shouting. Two things:

how is it that you are the only person in the ENTIRE WORLD who is so unreasonable that he can't control his shouting around you?

• and if you are indeed the only person in the entire world that is so unreasonable then you will be doing him a favour by splitting up.

I don’t see a situation as yours that a marriage has failed. Some marriages run their course earlier than others, and that’s ok.

He’s got into bad habits. That bad habit is using you as a verbal punchbag. What a shit way to live. If he can’t treat you well then time to move on

Sounds like you have done more than your “time” at this marriage. You have survived through traumas and delivered your DC to adulthood.

FOG - fear, obligation and guilt are never reasons to live a life. It is intolerable and emotionally dishonest.

Your DC must be aware of his behaviour. They will understand or at least come to terms with your decision.
You might also do your DH a favour - forcing him to look at himself - to reflect, change and grow so that he can also find another partner for the rest of his life - or not.

Do you have DGC yet? Might be good to get this divorce out of the way so that you can enjoy the next chapters of your life.

Maybe some counselling to hold your hand and provide through this time would be helpful.

Sounds like you have detached and stepped back far enough from him and the relationship to see exactly what it is and what your future would be like. Imagine if you got ill and infirm - how would he treat you?

Thank you to everyone who has taken time to respond to my post. You’ve been kind. I feel I need to say that I’m sure that I do do things that are annoying, I don’t want anyone to think I’m a martyr. I’ve just lost my resilience and don’t want to do this for the last part of my life.

But wracked with guilt and feelings of failure. What if I’m not trying hard enough?

@merryhouse is completely right. My dh will speak to me badly sometimes... I absolutely tell him to do one. He wouldn’t speak in that way to a friend/Colleague so it’s not acceptable. I’m not saying that the conversation is ‘wrong’ just his tone. And yes this would be a deal. Breaker for me. I’m not a child and I’m not his venting punch bag. I won’t walk on eggshells to avoid HiS bullying behaviour. So my dh try’s to bloody remember to moderates his tone. I’m not an angel and I also have things I have to think about.... but WE try. If he didn’t and made excuses his disrespect would kill it

Why does it have to be YOU who tries hard enough?

Kindness and respect is the baseline for any relationship.

Does he show you this?

Yep Lolly, that’s how it feels to me...why has it to be me ?

And Clare he would say yes but I would argue that shouting at me means no respect. We are both kind people.

The next time he starts shouting look at him calmly and say 'you wouldn't speak to (someone he respects) like this, why do you think it's ok with me? And if he carried on, I'd just walk out. And keep walking out until he realises you won't tolerate it anymore.

Or you could call it time. You are held in this relationship by FOG. That is no way to live.

You're not happy, your H sounds horrible & must be very difficult to live with.

It's ok to leave this relationship - you don't need permission, you can simply decide to end your marriage & do so.

You deserve much better OP.

OP, you have raised your children and now is your time.

You are definitely still young enough to have a wonderful future.

It's hard to imagine your children haven't seen how you have been treated and may not be surprised.

If ye can separate without vitriol, which could be down to him and out of your control, things could be better for you both.

I think whilst it might be very hard it sounds like you would be happier in the long run.

Don't waste another 10 years like this.

Wishing you strength 💐

You are not failure - your marriage lasted almost three times longer than an average marriage these days!!
And to stay together for that long since teenage age is incredible.
But - you are right - you only have one life. You’ve lived one half out - and kids are grown.
You now need to live your other half - the way YOU want.

Time to move on with the next chapter.
The bottom line is you don't love him any more. If my dh no longer loved me I wouldn't want him to stay.
Good luck.

You are not being unfair and it sounds like you have been enduring unhappiness in the hope that things will improve. If neither of you are happy then this can be a fresh start for you both with time to invest in your own interests. I sympathise with your feelings of guilt. I think that they are common. I am currently going through a separation/divorce and keep questioning whether I could have done more to smooth things over. Ultimately though we don’t make each other happy anymore. Good luck and keep us posted

I don't want to grow old with my DP either.

I worry he will get ill and I will be his carer.

When marriage was invented, life was your mid 40s, not your 80s.

Leave, live the life you want. Br brave. I want to be.

People often say that life's too short, and in many ways that's true.

But I look at it another way. It's not that life's too short to be unhappy, it's that life's to bloody LONG to be unhappy. I worked out you must be 48 from your post, so you could quite easily live another 32 years (and more!) meaning you would have to go through the time you've been married all over again. Can you honestly say you could do this?

Don't make the decision lightly. Research your options regarding housing, divorce finances etc, make sure you can go it alone, and if you can't, perhaps ask a family member if you could live with them for a while until you find your feet.

One more thing, don't underestimate the reaction of your children, just because they are grown. My parents split up when I was 24, completely out of the blue and it - and the resulting aftermath - flipped my world upside down. Your children sort of expect that your marriage is fine after all that time, so it is likely to be a shock. I was old enough to look after myself, but not old enough not to still need the security of my parents. Also my mum went about it completely the wrong way, told me out of the blue when we were shopping in Asda that they were splitting up and selling the house (kept the house in the end though) and used me as a sounding board throughout the process which I found rather uncomfortable. I'm only saying this as I've been there, but Google Adult Children of Divorce for helpful tips on how to deal with it :).

Absolutely do what is best for YOU though. Everyone else will deal with it, providing you approach it correctly and sensitively. You have a life to lead, and definitely deserve to be happy.

A third of your life? If could be half. You're younger than me and I'm 50 next month. You seem to have got into a rut where you feel like you're on the point of winding down, though - has your husband instilled that in you, or just the dread of this next life stage (seriously, we took out a new mortgage at your age - the tedium of retirement is a long way off!)

If you can't face the future with him, you don't need any other reason to move on other than being unhappy with the status quo. If you thikn he'll be amenable to counselling, then that might be a way to go, though he seems to think it's a god given right to be "shouty" so I don't think that will achieve anything useful.

You could have another 4 decades ahead of you, though. That's far too long to spend miserable.

What if I’m not trying hard enough? How hard have you tried? Have you had couples therapy? Does DH know you are actually thinking of walking away from your marriage? Would he consider anger management sessions?
Everybody seems to be advocating leaving but I wonder if they have all had relationships of a similar length. I have been married for 31 years so can imagine the enormity of leaving. Have you not discussed previously the things you want to do together as and when you have more time/money? I also lost a friend at 51 and that certainly focused DH and me into having those sort of chats.
Where do you want to be if you do divorce? Do you hope to find an alternative partner or live alone? How will you spend Christmas? Who else will share in the joy of your Grandchildren as much as DH will?
I am playing devils advocate here and I’m sure you have wrestled with the issues I mention but yes, you have a huge amount at stake.

Life is too short/long to feel like this... as you approach retirement, you don't have careers, money or dc to worry so much about, that it can mask a shitty relationship. For me retirement means spending time with someone I want to spend time with, doing the things we both want to do, not spending time with someone I have to.

Do your research now op, check finances, can you do it alone, what would you want out of the divorce and how best to handle your adult dc.

What @eddielizzard says: "The next time he starts shouting look at him calmly and say 'you wouldn't speak to (someone he respects) like this, why do you think it's ok with me? And if he carried on, I'd just walk out. And keep walking out until he realises you won't tolerate it anymore."

Really do this. Every single time. What have you got to lose? Nothing.

Then, in a moment of calm, point out (or write a note) what @merryhouse says:

"how is it that you are the only person in the ENTIRE WORLD who is so unreasonable that he can't control his shouting around you?

• and if you are indeed the only person in the entire world that is so unreasonable then you will be doing him a favour by splitting up."

and keep at it. Keep at it for a good few months until either he changes, or you accept that he is not going to change.

Because that is something that I have also learned and both posters are quite right - people treat us the way we allow them to treat us. We also (in our weak boundaries/giving way/accepting/trying harder/being more compliant) have a part to play.

I was married to a narcissist who quietly controlled everything. I spent my time whining and giving way - that is ON ME. Now I know that the way to deal with a narcissist is to say: "I hear that is how you feel, but I have made my decision". And stick to what I knew was right. This went from small things, to huge things like property purchases and share portfolios. All I did was increase his sense of disrespect by giving way and whining about the results. It was what he wanted (control) but he eventually got tired of carrying me and being responsible for all the decisions. And however unfair that was, he was right!

Some relationships have a beginning, a middle and an end! and that’s okay!

You only get one life OP, get out there and really live it!

We’ve discussed the shouting at length but he truly believes that his shouting is something he can’t control and is only in response to me being horrible or unreasonable. He never shouts outside the house or at anyone else.

If he never shouts outside or at other people, then he most definitely can control it. He's using you as a verbal punchbag and that's not acceptable. I would also bet that you weren't being horrible or unreasonable, that's what abusers often claim to justify their actions towards their victims.

I would also bet that if you started looking properly at your relationship, that this will not be the only sign of disrespectful behaviour towards you. This kind of shouting rarely is, where you are the only target.

I left someone after 30 years so I know how hard it is. He, too, could be charming to others, no shouting, etc. I spent years being the one to change my behaviour, and I decided no more abuse towards me or the DC.

You've tried, but what has he tried? Marriage is meant to be an equal partnership. I dont think you have failed, I think he has.

Leave if you want, you dont have to stay if you are no longer happy.

Well, either you are horrible and unreasonable (in which case ending your marriage is a good thing) or he could control his shouting but chooses not to because he doesn't really care about you (in which case ending your marriage is a good thing).

Go OP dont be stuck with a miserable blustering man who bullies you when the front door closes (he's not going to get any better).