Failed after 32 years, can’t keep it together

[Squarepegina]

In such a sad and tormented position. Met at 16 and married for 32 years. Two children now adults. Created a tight secure family and in the last five years I’ve become so unhappy with my husband and relationship I just can’t face spending the last third of my life with him.

Relatively happy years together, faced a lot of trauma together and I always believed our marriage was forever. I’ve tried to rationally understand why I’m feeling the way I do. I’ve looked at empty nest syndrome, but actually I’ve loved having time to myself and working more hours. I’ve taken up new interests to meet more friends and I’ve enjoyed that too.

But I don’t love my husband anymore. Rationally the reasons being, he’s a shouter and we have no interests in common. Which sounds clear cut but actually the shouting has got steadily worse and I’ve become more and more detached. I don’t want to be in my 70s being shouted at. We’ve discussed the shouting at length but he truly believes that his shouting is something he can’t control and is only in response to me being horrible or unreasonable. He never shouts outside the house or at anyone else. And the common interests thing is more of an issue now that time I feel is running out and I want to get on and do things. In practise this means I am now doing lots of things on my own, which can be lonely at times but also is underlining the separation in our relationship.

Every time I get to the point of walking away I feel such guilt, at blowing up all the work I’ve put in to create a close family unit, failure at not going the distance and fear that it’s my failings that’s creating the situation.

Weekends are intolerable, weekdays bearable because we’re at work. Last night he discussed early retirement and I don’t know how to deal with it. My own happiness sounds so selfish. And yet my two best friends died at 44 and 56 so I know we only get one shot at this and I’m terribly unhappy. I’m also making him unhappy which is dreadful too. I feel a coward.

Anyone in the same boat ? It feels desperately lonely.

I don’t want to be in my 70s being shouted at. We’ve discussed the shouting at length but he truly believes that his shouting is something he can’t control and is only in response to me being horrible or unreasonable

You know this is bullshit, right? I presume he is in full control of his faculties?

Sad you are in this shit since 16. But! It is never too late to leave a horrible man/relationship. You have it in you. Find that power. And fuck him off.

Your life will be so much better without him in it.

Really...

Why do women put up with this crap instead of forging a wonderful life on their own?

I left my abusive - emotional and physical - husband - has been - who needs that shit, just to fuck up your child in the process?!

Mine is 28 now and never "suffered" with growing up with me, a solo mum.
Would have been a lot worse for both of us if he had stuck around.

These replies are so helpful to me. I’ve been reading and it’s making me think a bit more clearly. When something is stuck in your head and you’ve only got yourself to debate with everything gets skewed.

Last night was taken up with a problem with my son. I think I’m my own worst enemy.

I need to stop this.

@Iflyaway.

Absolutely right.👍💐👏

I appreciate that lots of people desperately want the ideal of two parents. They believe it's better at all costs.

It really isn't. There isn't anything more damaging than coming home from school to a shit atmosphere and constant shouting, anger, abuse between adults.

It keeps children in a high alert stress state all the time. Terribly, terribly damaging.

What about all the windowed parents that cope with the unbelievable grief of a parent deceased. I know of 6 of these between my children. They all raised several children and they are absolutely fantastic. They have come through the grief and are having great lives, but of course missing their mum's and dad's.

Nothing is worse than an angry house. Ever.

I think, sometimes, it's easy to think 'better the devil I know'. Single life can look scary when you've been on the inside of a relationship for a long time. But, in reality, it's wonderful! Once you get the practicalities sorted, being able to go your own way without worrying about someone else is amazing.

And, in my experience, men just tend to get worse and worse as they get older, deafer and more set in their ways. Maybe women do too, but I've only seen older women bloom and blossom when no longer weighted down by an overindulged man.

Why do women put up with this crap instead of forging a wonderful life on their own?
It's how we've been conditioned.
By our upbringing, by society.
But we are starting to wake up to this now.
At last!

So your whole evening was taken up by problem with your grown up son. So YOU supported him.
But he doesn't support you wanting a happy life!
Wow!

Get legal advice first OP then take it from there!

OP my Mum has just left my Dad, aged 72. She has a lovely flat and a new life but she 1000% knew it was over 20 (or more) years ago. I have no idea why she stayed once my brother and I had had reached adulthood. Pls don’t waste your years on this planet.

Merryhouse is exactly right..he wouldn't shout at his boss / colleagues etc. He could control his temper if he wanted to.
You definitely deserve better.

Sometimes you need to follow your instincts. I think staying married when the kids are young is one thing but when they are adults, your job with them is done and it is now your time to enjoy your life. It doesn’t sound like you will if you do nothing and accept the current situation. 32 years isn’t a failure, it’s a remarkable achievement.

Yes he knows I’m unhappy but he doesn’t want any split

Good grief, he knows you are really unhappy, he knows you are being abused but he wants the status quo to remain the same.

I find that incredibly worrying and I'm wondering if he thinks it normal now for a man to treat a woman like that!

My son would stamp on anyone that treated me like that.

I think you need to show your children that abuse is not acceptable, explain that to them, and leave.

They will respect you so much more for taking that decision. They will also see that actions have consequences. Might make them think twice about behaving like that themselves.

Be confident, be bold and don't take any shit from any of them. Respect has to be earned and nobody respects a doormat.

You can do some research and reading to prepare for how they will take it, how and when you should tell them and any Qs to be ready for, which will mitigate any fall out.

Your head and heart has been here for many years - sometimes others just need the time to catch up and accept where you are at......and you have to stand by patiently knowing that they will get through the shock and disappointment.

You’ve all given me much to think about, thank you.

I really need to quash this idea people might have that I’m a mild meek martyr who gets screamed at al day. If I was shouted at day and night I’d be long gone. It’s much more complex and insidious than that.

The shouting happens when I say or behave in a way he doesn’t like. Between times, when I’m happy and not expressing myself in a way he finds goading he is a nice guy.

It’s control and frustration on his part. There are times that I do calmly say that this behaviour is abusive and walk away. The problem is it can flare at anytime and once I’m in it I pretty much end in tears. Which seems to make him berate me even more.

You have given me food for thought about my youngest son. About what I am “teaching” him about relationships.

It’s complex because I desperately want a close family. And no it wasn’t one with a horrible atmosphere. Whilst the children were young my husband very rarely shouted. Since they’ve left home, the verbal abuse has escalated.

If I go financially it will hurt, socially it will too but mostly it will be so difficult to accept my part in breaking up the family. And after 49 years together I’m really scared about doing it.

Talking on here is helping me hugely.

😂 oh dear it feels like 49 years.. no married 32 .. together 7 before that .. so 39!! 😊

"I really need to quash this idea people might have that I’m a mild meek martyr who gets screamed at al day. If I was shouted at day and night I’d be long gone. It’s much more complex and insidious than that."

Abuse like you describe and it is abuse, is indeed insidious in its onset and does creep up on people unawares. Some abusers as well like supposedly strong women because they see them as an additional challenge to bring down and or otherwise destroy.

"The shouting happens when I say or behave in a way he doesn’t like. Between times, when I’m happy and not expressing myself in a way he finds goading he is a nice guy".

What you are describing here also in both paragraphs is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. Abusers are not nasty all the time; if they were no-one would want to be with them.

You would not be breaking up this family if you were to leave; you would be going some way to actually repairing an already broken family unit. He is solely responsible here for his actions and choices to abuse you. Such men hate women as well, all of them (particularly their own mother).

Is he so nice that no one would believe you?
Have you ever videoed him? A few times, so that you've got evidence? and then showed your closest friend.

I don’t have a great deal to add to some of the excellent advice you’ve been given on here, but wanted to check in and say hello because I am struck by how insightful and wise some of your posts are. You sound like you’d be a terrific friend. Take your time, make your decision and then be happy. I wish you well.

Just one little thought - if he really would and could change, would you be happy with him? Maybe something to think about. I am NOT excusing his behaviour one iota, but if you really gave it to him with both barrels and made it clear what was at stake, would he take you seriously? Would he try?

If all that faces you is a very shouty future, then leave. Just leave. All I’m suggesting is that 30 odd years (and I’m nearly there myself) deserves a ultimatum.

Whatever you do, be happy OP. You sound like an interesting person who deserves an interesting and rewarding retirement. Be kind, explain and the kids will be fine.

Hope what a kind post. Thank you. I’m beginning to think your user name is right.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice.

I'm not in the same boat but I told my husband that I wouldn't stay married if he becomes a bitter old man. He is showing signs of it and it gets on my nerves. He can be very impatient too.
I love him dearly but as I get older I value my happiness more. We've been together 30 years.
I think you should bite the bullet and do what makes you happy. Not easy specially because guilt gets on the way. Guilt it's a useless emotion that sabotages happiness. We are on this earth to live our best lives.
Clearly your H can't control his shouting. Why should you put up with it? Be brave.