Failed after 32 years, can’t keep it together

[Squarepegina]

In such a sad and tormented position. Met at 16 and married for 32 years. Two children now adults. Created a tight secure family and in the last five years I’ve become so unhappy with my husband and relationship I just can’t face spending the last third of my life with him.

Relatively happy years together, faced a lot of trauma together and I always believed our marriage was forever. I’ve tried to rationally understand why I’m feeling the way I do. I’ve looked at empty nest syndrome, but actually I’ve loved having time to myself and working more hours. I’ve taken up new interests to meet more friends and I’ve enjoyed that too.

But I don’t love my husband anymore. Rationally the reasons being, he’s a shouter and we have no interests in common. Which sounds clear cut but actually the shouting has got steadily worse and I’ve become more and more detached. I don’t want to be in my 70s being shouted at. We’ve discussed the shouting at length but he truly believes that his shouting is something he can’t control and is only in response to me being horrible or unreasonable. He never shouts outside the house or at anyone else. And the common interests thing is more of an issue now that time I feel is running out and I want to get on and do things. In practise this means I am now doing lots of things on my own, which can be lonely at times but also is underlining the separation in our relationship.

Every time I get to the point of walking away I feel such guilt, at blowing up all the work I’ve put in to create a close family unit, failure at not going the distance and fear that it’s my failings that’s creating the situation.

Weekends are intolerable, weekdays bearable because we’re at work. Last night he discussed early retirement and I don’t know how to deal with it. My own happiness sounds so selfish. And yet my two best friends died at 44 and 56 so I know we only get one shot at this and I’m terribly unhappy. I’m also making him unhappy which is dreadful too. I feel a coward.

Anyone in the same boat ? It feels desperately lonely.

Oh I’m so moved that people have responded. Thank you. I’m heading into work but want to speak tonight. You’ve touched a few nerves.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

You met this person when you were 16 and had no real life experience behind you. If anyone has failed here it is primarily your H; this is entirely on him really. The man's killed any love you did have for him. Do not make yourself responsible for his actions and choices. You are only responsible for your own self.

I do not think he has a problem with anger because he in all likelihood does not likely behave like this around people in polite company. Abusive types can indeed be very plausible to those in the outside world.

He has a problem with anger, your anger when you rightly call him out on his shouting and all/any other verbally abusive behaviours he does. Anger management courses as well are no answer to domestic violence which is what this really is as well. You are his verbal punchbag to shout at and likely have been this throughout all if not most of your marriage. If you look at his parents OP one of them likely behaves in the same ways as he does. Joint counselling as well is a non starter here too given his behaviours as well. No decent counsellor would ever want to counsel the two of you in the same room.

Your adult children will hopefully support you in your decision if and when you decide to leave their dad. It may not come as much of a surprise to them and may actually have wondered privately why you stayed with him for so long (they have likely heard his verbal abuse and shouting over the years, sound also travels).

End it.

My dsis was married for 43 years , she thought it was all ok, we grew up in a terrible home environment so had a skewed idea of relationships. He was her first partner. He was however an incredibly selfish and boring man. Since he has died she has discovered just how bloody selfish he was spending thousands on a hobby while not letting her have the heating on is one example. I have some concerns about her new relationship because she is very childlike in her thinking, but she is happy.

I'm 58, recently split with my OH (although after a relationship of not nearly as long a duration as yours!) because I realised I did not want to spend my remaining time on this planet with him. His behaviour was getting worse and worse, and he was turning into his father. When I pointed this out to him, he just said he couldn't help it.

I do not want to spend the next (hopefully) 30+ years watching TV and being told I'm too old to do anything. So I'm planning the rest of my adventure filled life alone.

Lots of words from you about your guilt, your failings.

The only one in the wrong here is your abusive husband. He can control his shouting and he is soley responsible for the state of your marriage and refuses to change.

It sounds to me as if you would be much happier alone. If you are not happy then get a divorce now, do you really want to spend your retirement being abused and unhappy?

You could have a wonderful life alone, friends, hobbies, peace and quiet.

Best thing I ever did getting divorced.

Why would ending your marriage under these circumstances be a ‘failure’? You’ve spent over 30 years together, built a home and successfully raised two children. That’s a huge achievement in my book, deciding to end it for entirely cogent, valid reasons does not undermine that achievement.

We really need to change the language we use around divorce and separation, especially as people live for so much longer. To death us do part is increasingly unrealistic.

You sound as though you have done everything humanly possible to make your marriage work. You were a strong loyal unit while your DC were growing up. You took full responsibility for making yourself happy and fulfilled after they left home. I think you are allowed to say you don't want this for the rest of your life. As a PP has said if he is so adamant that it's you alone who frustrates him so much that he has to shout, then you're doing him a favour if you leave. You honestly don't have to stay in the marriage. Why would you?

You don't need anyone's permission to live the life you want to live.

Your life belongs to YOU. Don't be scared. Do what you need to do and be happy.

If you decide to leave, your DH will no doubt beg forgiveness and promise to change. They all do that. He won't change.

I am sorry you are going through this time. Reading on here and being close to a lot of my female friends going through this I hear regularly that guilt and shame keep them in these awful relationships. If you can, can you get to a therapist, just for you to try and work through these guilt feelings. Fear, obligation and guilt will keep you trapped forever. As some have said, some relationships have a sell by date. Some run their course and its time to move on. I can't stand being shouted at too. Being single in my mid 50s due to the man I loved ditching me when I turned 50 has been the best thing I have ever experienced. It took me a while to overcome the shame of being single and my perceived failure at a relationship. But, today 5 years on I am the happiest I have ever been and date regularly on my terms. I would hate for you to sit stewing over this for years to come, your husband then retires and the situation gets decidedly worse and you wish you had left when you felt like you do today. It will be a difficult transition so lets be clear on that. How you go about this is with open communication with your children who will be shocked. Your husband will be just as shocked and will react. Get some behind the scenes support and help if you wish to take the exit route. Good luck but I hope you will see a way forward whatever you choose.

Completely agree with @vulcanray. Why do we see sustaining a long marriage as success and terminating it as failure - regardless of the state of that marriage.

That line of thinking has no doubt caused mountains of heartache and pain. Lost years of happiness.

I have gone through divorce. Do I feel like I failed? Not really no. I made a mistake in the man I married. I am now with the most wonderful man and my children (who are still young) are growing up watching a kind, respectful and happy relationship.

Maybe it’s because this is a second chance for us both but my new partner would not dream of being disrespectful or shouting. It is lazy behaviour and even if you say he is a kind person - to shout at the person he loves and clearly upsetting her - is not kind in my book.

Please grab your life and be happy. I have to say as well reading the post from somebody talking about grown adults aged 24 reaction to their parents wanting a different life - made me wince a bit.

Lunch break and I’ve just read all your messages. Here’s the strange thing... as I read them I’m thinking oh no I must have exaggerated things, but I know I haven’t. I’m normalising things which is a slippery slope.

One of the previous posters hit one of my biggest wobbles. The impact on my children. Yes adults but I know it will and is already having an impact on my youngest. Yes he knows I’m unhappy but he doesn’t want any split. I’ve worked so hard to ensure a strong stable family for them. Breaking this up feels selfish.

Yes he knows I’m unhappy but he doesn’t want any split.
This seems rather selfish. We want our children to be happy and they should want the same for us (at least when they're adults, I appreciate expecting teenagers to put their parents' needs first is asking rather a lot!).

You've raised your kids now and you are entitled to arrange your life in the way that you think will give you the most fulfilment. I call that a success, not a failure.

It is normal to vacillate when you have to take life changing binary decisions. That’s your brain processing and looking at everything from every angle. That’s the check and balance - however don’t let this stifle your deep feelings. Continue to listen to your gut - so when you hear his key in the door, when he brings up discussions of your joint retirement, when you tap dance around issues (walking on eggshells) so as not to provoke his anger. The sheer empty, loneliness stretching ahead for decades.

Your adult DCs will not have a strong and stable family - they will have a tense, false, deteriorating situation which will be palpable and which may possibly erode their confidence. Would you be happy and expect them to stay in such a relationship - because this is the blueprint / standard you are role modelling for them.

It’s tough. Take it slowly but don’t suffocate yourself emotionally.

That was why I said I winced a bit when I read the post about adult children.

As adults your children should indeed want your happiness. They will understand that rationally even if they will be shocked at first emotionally. My children look at my parents very unhappy marriage and fully understand now why we parted. We openly talk about it and whilst talking I get them to think more deeply about how they want to be in a relationship and the type of person they wish to be with. I so wish my parents had done the same with me as I wouldn’t have ended up choosing badly. Maybe indeed you can also use this as an opportunity to talk to your children about their choices and relationships. I don’t think as a society we do that enough.

I agree Expo. Doesn’t matter if you supported your DC to achieve the dizzying heights of playing for England/being PM/getting in Oxbridge ..... if they meet the wrong person and don’t “see it”, tolerate it or don’t know how to move on - then their lives are miserable.

The Relationship section here shows that it doesn’t matter if you are a multi millionaire or broke on benefits - the pain of a dysfunctional, unfulfilling personal relationship is the same.

Yes he knows I’m unhappy but he doesn’t want any split
Tough - he is not living your life.
I can't believe he would be so selfish to say that to you.
The only person you are failing right now is you and dare I say it your late friends.
You should be living you best life.
I lost my DSis when she was 47 - horrendous.

But I now know that life is waaay too short and we need to live a happy life.
Can you imagine when you retire!?
This will be 24/7 for years!

He can control it because he doesn't do this to others.
He's had decades of using you as his verbal punchbag.
It's abuse OP - Pure and simple.
Is he just verbally abusive?
It usually comes with other forms of abuse.
Financial, controlling, stonewalling, gaslighting, passive aggression, etc...

They are not 'children'. They are adults. As such they know that life happens.
Don't allow the impact on them to keep you in this abusive, lonely relationship.
They will get used to it. They really will.

As others have said - google - FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt.
You know you want to do this.
You know you want a happy and good life.
You know you can't do those things whilst with your 'D'H.
Get out there.
Be free. Be single. It's just amazing, trust me.
Daunting at first but the relief and the freedom is just fantastic.

@Squarepegina you could have been me writing 5 years ago (except for the shouting) and it turns out my now ex felt the same way. There was no option to work it out as he didn't want to (which was fine by me!)

Yes your children will be upset but they are adults now and building their own lives. You have lived your life for them up until now, now its time for you.

My ex is getting remarried next month - its 4 years since we split up. He wants our children there (they are 23, 21 and 19) but none of them want to go but will do as it's their dad. Whilst they have got used to us being apart and each having new relationships (their dad is on his 4th, I'm on the same one which started 2 years ago ) they don't know the new wife to be as she seems to keep away when they spend time with their dad. Even though I think their dad is a dick for upsetting my babies (tongue in cheek comment before I get lambasted! ) he and I have maintained a friendly relationship and have always been open with the kids about why we split up. We grew apart, had nothing in common except the kids and didn't enjoy spending time together. They were emotional and upset at first but understood when they realised how much happier both of us were living separately.

Sorry - haven't read the whole thread but this jumped out at me:

I don’t want to be in my 70s being shouted at.

A close family member is in her 80s being shouted at and is now too frail to leave. I wish she had left years ago but she didn't want to upset the children. Ironically, the (grown up) children hate the atmosphere and the shouting so they don't visit that often. What is your relationship like with your children? Do they know about the shouting? Are they shouted at it too?

Yep - me and my sisters also try not to visit our parents too often because of the bad atmosphere....and yet DM stayed for us kids...oh the irony

Great point about adult children not wanting bro visit or possibly bring grandchildren to a house with a poisonous atmosphere.

You have raised your children.

They may not want you to separate for purely selfish reasons but they have their lives and you now have yours independent of them.

Just as I think it's awful for parents to push their children to stay in a bad marriage for selfish reasons. It is not reasonable for children to push for a parent to remain in one when they have left home.

Your shouted husband sounds awful.

How awful to be in your 70's or 80's and still being shouted at. Just awful.

OP, I believe I am more or less you. I've been married 33 years next month, but was married when I was 26 so a bit older, my children are late teens but are beyond desperate for me to leave - all that one of them has asked is that I try to make it as peaceful as possible. Bearing in mind I am married to your H - basically everything is my fault, I MAKE him be angry etc - I don't think that is going to be easy. I am also worried that without me he would latch onto one of the kids and not let go - someone has to facilitate him after all

Here's the really odd thing - my two best friends died in completely unrelated circumstances aged 49 and 56, both within the last 5 years. My own mother died when she was 54, she never managed to get away from my abusive father. I feel I owe it to all 3 of them to get out. I am making plans but they are constantly frustrated by illness. If you don't have those frustrations and your DCs have somewhere to live then run like the bloody wind.

BTW my H has retired. He's sat here with me for almost all of every day. Its like a living death. Get advice on your financial position and then get out.

Would you want your children to spend decades unhappy in a relationship??

If your son wants you to stay and be unhappy then he has some unfortunate views about relationships. Maybe you leaving would be the best lesson he could have.

You are far too young to commit to being unhappy for the rest of your life. You don't need to prove abuse or prove fault. You can walk away because you would be happier away from the marriage.

Why not have a temporary separation to help yourself see life outside this situation.

Just out of left field, I've seen this sudden shouty behaviour twice before, and both times it was the early onset of Alzheimer's. Sorry OP, but it's worth considering if he says he can't control it, or if it's totally out of character.

Wow, this almost sounds like a carbon copy of how I am feeling right now. Sometimes I want out and sometimes I just feel maybe it will get better wondering if I am overreacting and my feelings/doubts are something to do with the menopause.
Everyone else sees a wonderful person and dont see what I see.
I feel my life is passing me by and beginning to wonder if this is as good as it gets.