He’s left again

[Wishicouldmoveon]

Wishicouldmoveon

Hi First time poster looking for , well I don’t really know what I’m looking for really. Just need to write this all down. My partner has walked out on me and our 2 kids again for the 3rd time. He left for 3 months beginning of the last year and 6 week at the end of last year . We have been together for 11 years, not married with a joint mortgage..We got back together in January 2019. It seems like history is repeating itself , every time he is stressed (money, business) he says he can’t focus on these things as he’s not happy with he’s relationship and is trying for the kids . A few things have happened over the years, I’ve never actually caught him cheating but I know he has messaged girls via messenger , as I found them on he’s account . Messages had been deleted but a message must of been sent for them to be added . A few other little things ( always online) Since then, I became paranoid and he wouldn’t help the situation, phone on Silent etc. He said I was a nightmare and I thought I was , i blamed myself . He’s not happy with my weight also , put a couple of stone on since the kids and never really lost it. Tried diet after diet but weight is up and down , he tried to tell me best way possible ( if they is a better way) i was very hurt . So when we split it was awful I begged him back over and over again. It’s draining . I’m so scared of my kids being around another woman and I panic. I do love him so much . As time went On he seen me losing weight and getting on with things ( stop begging ) we get back together and he says we try one last time for the kids . It’s fine for a while but then gets stressed and leaves again. The kids are pretty fine , they are young and are loved so much by both of us. The last time we split they didn’t really even notice he wasnt living at the house . But I know we can’t keep doing this to them. I feel ashamed and heartbroken . All I wanted was to keep our family together . If I’m truthful I haven’t no self respect after this relationship, I’ve let things happen and havnt left him and beg him back When he leaves. . It’s when I think of the kids being away from me and him getting with another woman I totally panic , he is expecting me now to text him over and over again, I admit I have over the last 2 days . But I know I can’t do this and need to work on myself. It’s just so hard . I look at our kids and my heart breaks. It’s like I’m grieving but inside I know it’s for the best . Sorry for this being so long my head is spinning tbh . I don’t think there is another woman , I’ve been reading through some threads on here over the last couple of days and I’m pretty sure he’s show signs of being a narcissist. But still I love him 😏I have good support and they all tell me don’t text him, but god it’s hard.. Its my 40th in a couple of weeks, was really looking forward to it but right now I feel so sad. , Again I’m sorry for the long confusing post just needed to get it all out.
It’s a great site , think I just need a hug 🤗

Regardless of whether there is another woman or not...you need to remove this man and his behaviours from you and your DC's lives. Do not text him...use the space and time you have to a) focus on yourself and the children and b) seek advice on a formal separation. Start putting together all the formal documentation you can find as you will need it down the line.

Do not allow your DCs to see that this is how relationships should be.

Thanks for your reply , you are totally right , I don’t want my kids to think this is acceptable. I forgot to add he has always supported me financially in previous splits. Pays mortgage etc . although I was working for him this time so I’m now unemployed , he had said he will still pay me until I find another job, I wish I could say no thanks but I can’t. , I have always worked , the thought of me sitting at home stewing with no job makes me feel worse atm , so the first thing I’m doing is looking for another job . X

Is there anyone with experience like this or any tips , I am struggling right now x

So sorry you're going through this But you need to pull right away from him, he thinks he can leave when it is hard, have his alone time and you will always take him back. Having someone beg to you for anything is off putting (sorry to sound harsh). But if you want him back then you need to not speak to him, get on with your own things and make out that your happy without him. I believe in that time you'll realise you actually are and will move on, but if it's the former and you want it to work then him moving out it screaming "I want space away from you" and if your calling and begging then your not giving him that. Of course none of us know the full situation and he could be a complete arse/you're better off without him but leaving him well alone for a min of a few weeks would be my advice xxx

Thank you. I Noticed he blocked me from Facebook, he’s so childish , I can guarantee he did it for a reaction as I never got in contact with him and wasn’t asking him to come home. Unfortunately I did react and sent him a text saying what I thought of him. Back to no contact now , just about the kids. Why is life so hard . Sorry for the morning depressing post 🙂hope you guys have a great day x

Sorry you're going through this. I took someone back 3 times - that was 3 times too many.

Another woman or not, he's treated you badly. You deserve better and your children deserve to see a different model of relationships. They don't deserve to see their mother worn down and upset because a shit man thinks it's ok to waltz in and out of their lives. Let your anger kick in and realise that this isn't a way that a loving partner and a good dad treats a woman.

It's shit OP, I know (and no children were involved in mine) but don't message him, don't rise to it. It's childish to block (yes, my ex did too) and it's designed to make you rise to it. Mine blocks and unblocks me regularly. Focus on yourself and your children and seek legal advice about what you're entitled to in terms of support. Find a SHL (shit hot lawyer) and get advice. Focus on what you can change - yourself and leave him to his childishness.

Oh and talk to friends and family as much as you can. You need all the support that you can get. Good luck x

Hi thanks for your replies, you are all so right I know , just hurts right now. X

You sound lovely OP. Wishing everyone a good day despite your horrible day. You need to find that self worth. Dig deep, get a therapist/counsellor, speak to your friends. Be around as many people that value you as you can at the moment. They to focus on if he did get with another women, she would just have to endure this instead of you and more fool her

@AMAM8916 oh thank you, I’m struggling now I’m just going to lie , but trying to be strong for the kids . I will try and talk to someone as my anxiety is through the roof. I always worry he will realise he has been horrible and then change to the nicest man for he’s next relationship and I’d be gutted . I wanted him to be happy with me . But your right he probably won’t change and the next woman will have to go through what I am, thanks for your reply x

well he may well change for the next woman, but he's unlikely to.

And even if he did, he's treated you badly. Why should he get away with that? Aren't you worth more? Aren't your children worth more?

I know it's hard OP. Can you find a counsellor?

I think maybe I should , as I don’t really like myself at the moment. But I’ve made a promise to myself not to ask him back this time around. It makes me feel worse and I think he secretly thrives on it , although he says he doesn’t. It makes me feel a little bit stronger by not texting him , and then hopefully day by day It will get a lot easier x

it will. no contact is for your benefit not his.

But do get counselling - it will help you immensely (and it will help you to value yourself too).

I will look into counselling as soon as I can, just wish I could fast forward this hard bit. I feel okay when it’s me and the kids. But as soon as he takes them out I get so anxious . The kids love going out with him and I know they’re he’s kids also so I’m being selfish feeling this way , but he chose this break up , not me .
Anyway I won’t be contacting him first.
Hope everyone is okay this morning x

Sorry you are going through this. Kind of interesting that he deigned to give it another chance once you had picked yourself up and were feeling stronger. Only to then tear you down by leaving yet again and put you back where you were before.

I think you're absolutely spot on that he secretly thrives off it - off having the power to get you to beg for him back. The fact he's childishly blocked you on FB because you didn't beg this time says it all really.

You sound like you are doing brilliantly though - and so much stronger than the last time he pulled this shit. You can get through it.

I realise you are hurting but he sounds as though he enjoys having power over you and having you feeling weak and desperate. That's not loving.

Uh, that last sentence was supposed to be in the middle. No idea why it isn't!!

But, yea, don't let him grab more power over you.

I’m trying very hard , not easy now I’ve been left unemployed, I’m finding things to do to keep myself busy whilst also looking for a new job. I’ve always worked and he let me leave my previous job to work for him this year when he probably knew he wasn’t happy and was going to leave 😡. He will help me financially until I find work I can’t fault him that way, but it does make me more embarrassed I fell for this again and now I’m unemployed. Thanks for your reply xx

Arghhh I had to text him, telling him what I thought of him( again 🤭) and that I can’t wait for the day he regrets this and I won’t be here waiting for him. That he has no heart the usual stuff.
I know I shouldn’t of , but I don’t know how he gets on with he’s life after what he had done to us again. He didn’t reply , well not up to now, doubt he will. Now I feel like he’s back in control . At least I didn’t text him to beg him back though haha, Arghhh stupid feelings . 🤬

How are you feeling today?
I know the no contact is hard, but it does help. My Husband left at the weekend. Just didn’t come home from work. Again. Ignored our Wedding Anniversary and instead messaged about sorting finances.
If you feel the need to contact him, write it in an email and don’t send it. Add to it again if you feel the need to contact him again.
I was a mess for a couple of days. A couple of weeks when he disappeared the first time. The having no contact and ignoring him this time has made me stronger. Do not let him manipulate and control you anymore.
You can do this!

Hi @Hammers1987 oh I’m sorry you are going through this also, it’s horrible isn’t it?
I have text a few times , he either ignores me completely or only replies sometimes regarding finances or kids .
I’m A lot stronger than the previous times he’s left , it’s just when I think of the children Around another woman I do panic. Although I’d like to think that would be well into the future . He seems to want control over me still , I told him I’m looking for work , he said he would pay me so I didn’t have to. I’m not sure if he feels guilty for making me unemployed because he left me , or because he wants a hold over me. I told him that’s not realistic long term and the I want self respect to earn my own money , thanks though . . I know I am grateful money should not be a huge worry for me with him. But god I need to get out of this house and start building my self respect back. I’ve applied for quite a few jobs today .. I really can’t work him out and I’m starting to think more and more he wasn’t as nice a person as I thought he was, I was always scared to say the wrong thing as he would say right I’m leaving and I would say sorry 😐 I used to be such a strong person , I know I’ve got to work on myself and the kids now. I do love him though 🤬wish I didn’t ...
. I’m sorry he didn’t even acknowledge your wedding anniversary, 😞 and I hope you are okay, thank you for the advice x

I'm going though something similar - it's sooooooo hard not to contact him and tell him what I think

look at trauma bonds OP. This leaving and coming back, hot and cold behaviour is designed to keep you with him. Bind to him. You KNOW really that he's crap, but you doubt yourself, you think you love him. But you don't. It's cognitive dissonance. You start to doubt yourself. You're addicted to him.

Write down what he actually DOES. (not what he says). Write down how often he's left you, how that's made you feel. That he's messaged other women. That he's criticised your weight. That he's eroded your self confidence. Journal it all.

He's shown you who he is - believe it. How can you love someone who treats you like that really? How can he love you?

Write it all down. Talk to people. Keep strong. He'll thrive on the power if he sees you constantly messaging him. Chasing him. Keep the power for yourself.

And yes, they come back when you're strong again. It's what they do.

And in any case, you owe it to your children to keep away from him. He's damaging to you, and that damages them. They will learn that this is what a relationship between adults is like. Is that you want them to think?

Be strong. It'll all work out.

@AnnaNimmity wow this result hit home. Thank you for writing it, I needed to read it.
I know I deserve better and I owe it to my kids. Just wish I could fast forward time a little bit to get over this hard bit. I’m certainly going to try harder with the NC. X

Really not result*

"He's" alert

Use the journal to put down all your feelings for him and what you'd like to say to him but DONT SEND THEM TO HIM
You are handing over all the power to him. Fake it til you make it being strong and independent and not needing him. If you're ok financially for now you do not need to contact him, let him be the one to message you and keep a haughty disdain when he does (no instant replies make him wait)
You need to take back control for your own and your kids benefit as this is not what you want them to think of as normal