He’s left again

[Wishicouldmoveon]

Wishicouldmoveon

Hi First time poster looking for , well I don’t really know what I’m looking for really. Just need to write this all down. My partner has walked out on me and our 2 kids again for the 3rd time. He left for 3 months beginning of the last year and 6 week at the end of last year . We have been together for 11 years, not married with a joint mortgage..We got back together in January 2019. It seems like history is repeating itself , every time he is stressed (money, business) he says he can’t focus on these things as he’s not happy with he’s relationship and is trying for the kids . A few things have happened over the years, I’ve never actually caught him cheating but I know he has messaged girls via messenger , as I found them on he’s account . Messages had been deleted but a message must of been sent for them to be added . A few other little things ( always online) Since then, I became paranoid and he wouldn’t help the situation, phone on Silent etc. He said I was a nightmare and I thought I was , i blamed myself . He’s not happy with my weight also , put a couple of stone on since the kids and never really lost it. Tried diet after diet but weight is up and down , he tried to tell me best way possible ( if they is a better way) i was very hurt . So when we split it was awful I begged him back over and over again. It’s draining . I’m so scared of my kids being around another woman and I panic. I do love him so much . As time went On he seen me losing weight and getting on with things ( stop begging ) we get back together and he says we try one last time for the kids . It’s fine for a while but then gets stressed and leaves again. The kids are pretty fine , they are young and are loved so much by both of us. The last time we split they didn’t really even notice he wasnt living at the house . But I know we can’t keep doing this to them. I feel ashamed and heartbroken . All I wanted was to keep our family together . If I’m truthful I haven’t no self respect after this relationship, I’ve let things happen and havnt left him and beg him back When he leaves. . It’s when I think of the kids being away from me and him getting with another woman I totally panic , he is expecting me now to text him over and over again, I admit I have over the last 2 days . But I know I can’t do this and need to work on myself. It’s just so hard . I look at our kids and my heart breaks. It’s like I’m grieving but inside I know it’s for the best . Sorry for this being so long my head is spinning tbh . I don’t think there is another woman , I’ve been reading through some threads on here over the last couple of days and I’m pretty sure he’s show signs of being a narcissist. But still I love him 😏I have good support and they all tell me don’t text him, but god it’s hard.. Its my 40th in a couple of weeks, was really looking forward to it but right now I feel so sad. , Again I’m sorry for the long confusing post just needed to get it all out.
It’s a great site , think I just need a hug 🤗

Thank you so much for reply’s, It’s been a shit day, @misspepper I went out for my birthday a couple
Of weeks ago with friends . ( I hardly Ever go out and my anxiety was through the roof ) he found out and halved the money he usually gives me for DCs as I was spending he’s money on booze ! I have got myself a job , I had to wait a month for my wages which is due in The next week . I will
Then not need to rely on “ he’s money .
I feel like he’s controlling my every move when though he’s happy with another woman while I’m Struggling on trying to be strong for my lovely kids . My heart has been broke but the moment i picked my kids up tonight I felt so much better .

@Wishicouldmoveon

Dickhead what a dickhead, this is why you need to move on and see you deserve better and you really do. Gaining your own independence with a job is the best thing you could ever do to move on, congratulations on your new job.

I think you just need to learn to hate him, punch a pillow a few times, if hes left clothes chuck them. I'm just appauled he could do this to you and your kids. Being a dad isn't a part time thing and kids pick up in stuff like that quite quickly.

He obviously still likes to think if things go wrong he's got you no matter how he treats you but make a stand, divorce him and find someone you and your kids really deserve. He's not God's gift honestly, there are men who will treat you better.

You did the first step and that's your own independence with a job. You can do this, don't ever feel sad over him, he's the shitty person x

Wishing you well.
You sound like one strong woman.
I think that has come because every time he leaves you care just a little bit less.

So keep getting stronger.

Don't worry about ow.

There will always be ow's and they'll soon find out what he's like.

One day you'll turn round and feel total indifference- no anger or hate just nothing.

Love your kids and move forward.

It will be a very lucky man who gets you in the end.

Go to the CMS op, he won't be halving the fucking money then.

This is possibly one of the worst things I've seen on here. This guy is blatantly a serial cheat and a controlling abuser.

You need to be in a position where when this latest one doesn't work out you tell him to get to fuck.

Do the freedom programme and read up on trauma bonding. This bag of festering trash is toxic to you and your children, and brings nothing to your life but instability and misery.

You deserve better but YOU have to believe and want that for yourself.

Go through CMS and get what your kids deserve. Also consider getting a notebook to write in /setting up a fake email account to send any of your angry thoughts to so that you dont send them to him! You don’t want him to flip and use the messages against you so you need to stop texting - keep messages to him neutral, no emotions just facts about arrangements for the kids. Also get some therapy to build your confidence back up and get ready to tell him to fuck off when he crawls back. I think all the over the top claims about his new woman sound false - he’s probs making her up to make you jealous and put you down. Don’t let him. Rise above it for yourself and for your kids.

Thanks for your advice guys, just knowing it’s not all me and my fault is a help. I was a paranoid mess and he kept saying “I can’t live like this , not believing anything I say”. I used to apologise and even thought about getting help for myself. It’s obvious now he was always a cheat. Phone on silent / switched off when on charge near me .
I always used to apologise to him And he played on it calling me a psycho etc .
I need to work on myself now I know. My kids are happy and looked after and I love them with All my heart. I’ve gone through every emotion and everything I was dreading is coming a reality ( OW) now the next thing I’m terrified of is him taking the kids to see her. I’m not ready. I wasn’t ready for him to move on so quick but Ive had to accept it. The old ex that I know wouldn’t introduce kids to her so quick but I don’t know who he is anymore if I’m honest . 😞

He's been gaslighting you, classic excuse is to blame it on you and make you think it's all your fault and it's honestly not x. I think you just need to sort things out as a split. Don't let him use your fears against you, you're doing amazing.

You know I'd actually put my foot down and say its highly irresponsible of him to introduce a new partner after 2 weeks. Atleast 4/5 months and even then. I think if he brings it up ignore it, and then (if this fantasy relationship he has is even real) in a month's time address it, but you can't let him onto the fact you don't want it but what is best for your children.

It's going to be highly confusing for them anyway, he needs to stop being such a prick and think of his kids wellbeing, emphasis on this.

Maybe you do need to sort this out for proper access if he's being controlling?and then you can avoid him and the anxiety? Have you thought about seeing citizens advice? x

I don’t know what to do if I’m honest . He says he loves her but apparently didn't meet up till 2 weeks ago. He’s a liar , I know this and it’s all sinking in now how bad he’s been to me. So why doesn’t it feel any easier ? I feel sick