He’s left again

[Wishicouldmoveon]

Wishicouldmoveon

Hi First time poster looking for , well I don’t really know what I’m looking for really. Just need to write this all down. My partner has walked out on me and our 2 kids again for the 3rd time. He left for 3 months beginning of the last year and 6 week at the end of last year . We have been together for 11 years, not married with a joint mortgage..We got back together in January 2019. It seems like history is repeating itself , every time he is stressed (money, business) he says he can’t focus on these things as he’s not happy with he’s relationship and is trying for the kids . A few things have happened over the years, I’ve never actually caught him cheating but I know he has messaged girls via messenger , as I found them on he’s account . Messages had been deleted but a message must of been sent for them to be added . A few other little things ( always online) Since then, I became paranoid and he wouldn’t help the situation, phone on Silent etc. He said I was a nightmare and I thought I was , i blamed myself . He’s not happy with my weight also , put a couple of stone on since the kids and never really lost it. Tried diet after diet but weight is up and down , he tried to tell me best way possible ( if they is a better way) i was very hurt . So when we split it was awful I begged him back over and over again. It’s draining . I’m so scared of my kids being around another woman and I panic. I do love him so much . As time went On he seen me losing weight and getting on with things ( stop begging ) we get back together and he says we try one last time for the kids . It’s fine for a while but then gets stressed and leaves again. The kids are pretty fine , they are young and are loved so much by both of us. The last time we split they didn’t really even notice he wasnt living at the house . But I know we can’t keep doing this to them. I feel ashamed and heartbroken . All I wanted was to keep our family together . If I’m truthful I haven’t no self respect after this relationship, I’ve let things happen and havnt left him and beg him back When he leaves. . It’s when I think of the kids being away from me and him getting with another woman I totally panic , he is expecting me now to text him over and over again, I admit I have over the last 2 days . But I know I can’t do this and need to work on myself. It’s just so hard . I look at our kids and my heart breaks. It’s like I’m grieving but inside I know it’s for the best . Sorry for this being so long my head is spinning tbh . I don’t think there is another woman , I’ve been reading through some threads on here over the last couple of days and I’m pretty sure he’s show signs of being a narcissist. But still I love him 😏I have good support and they all tell me don’t text him, but god it’s hard.. Its my 40th in a couple of weeks, was really looking forward to it but right now I feel so sad. , Again I’m sorry for the long confusing post just needed to get it all out.
It’s a great site , think I just need a hug 🤗

thanks @Wishicouldmoveon

I learned the hard way unfortunately! But i have learned.

Keep the power.

(and don't see NC as a way of punishing him. It's for you. It will give you strength and it will give you distance and you WILL move on. ).

This should be the last time.
He sounds like a massive wanker.
You are well rid.

Haha yeah he can be a wanker , good words . I’m feeling a lot better these last 2 days. Went out with friends last night only to bingo and drinks . Home for 10 with the kids 😊 but really enjoyed it. I think it’s time to get myself out a little bit more . The N/C except regarding kids and finances is doing Really well and I feel stronger than I did the other 2 times he pissed off and left me . I can guarantee he will be wondering why I’m not texting him asking him to come home. Oh well he’s loss. I know they will be bad and good days to come , taking one day at a time . Thanks to everyone who has gave me advice over the last week xx

Good.
Please never take him back.

Since you are unfortunate enough to work for him you should really concentrate on applying for a job. There's nothing like job application to take your mind of other things!

Hi well I had 2 good days and now I’m having a really bad day , I asked him to reconsider!? What the help is wrong with me ? I can’t stop crying . I think it’s because he is out with the kids . I just want my family back , I am applying for jobs , I need a focus . It’s when I look at the kids I feel like a failure and to have to share them with step mums and step dads in the future is tearing me apart. I wish it was tomorrow already . Hopefully a better day. Sorry for the whinge , it’s just really hard x

Hi, sorry you are going through all of this right now...it’s bound to be painfully hard. Try and use your time when the kids are away for whatever you need at that time whether that’s being productive or even just to cry or go for some pampering. Hope you don’t mind me asking but what did he say back to you when you asked him to reconsider? x

He just replied “no”
Anyway since then we have had a argument via text , not about that but about a work thing from before , he never replied to my text so I said can u answer me , he replied what the fuck u want!!
So basically I’ve once again told him how much of a shit he is again . Oh my life ☹️ I’m my own worst enemy I know I am. I think it’s the fact he’s came back that many times , that’s why I’m still texting him. He’s life is more in a mess than mine at the minute and I do think he’s depressed , he would never admit it though , Everyone we know says the same thing , he doesn’t know what he wants . I know In my own head what the best thing to do is , move on, For me and our kids. I just wanted a family unit. Although I know Kids are resilient and will be happy if I am . Arghhhh I can’t even take my own advice , thanks to everyone on here for not judging me . I must sound like a right weird one . Oh well another day tomorrow 😏 xx

It is totally understandable messaging him because you want your family together and of course you are angry at him for what he is doing. Is he having some sort of early midlife crisis? If he is depressed and doesn’t know what he wants/changing his mind about the relationship then it sounds like you’ve no option but to stop contacting him. Make what he is saying he wants very real for him - tell him to collect his belongings, suggest to sell the family home, give him his dates for having the kids etc - be very matter of fact. Hopefully it isn’t what he actually wants in reality and he’ll come back. Try to make your interactions with him positive so it’s not a case that every time you speak it ends up being an argument. You mentioned in an earlier post you’ve work to do on yourself so perhaps use this time and space from him to do just that. Hoping everything works out for you. x

OP why are you so afraid about another woman being involved one day?. Can you explain what it is that you are worried will happen, if your kids get a stepmum?

Hi I think I’m looking to far ahead and should be thinking one day at a time. I have friends and family that are step mums and I know it’s just another person to love my kids but at the moment it’s hard to think of. It’s hard to think of him with another woman because I love him still. X

Yeayyy I got a new job , it’s a mix of early starts and late finishes so god knows how I’m going to work that around the kids but between me and my parents we will sort something out, my ex will have to start helping out aswell which will be a shock to him as he never really did anything outside of the house . ( school pick ups /drop offs etc) i still wake up every day and cry , I miss him I feel lost . My friend has done the freedom Programme previously and gave me all
The paperwork to look at , I have flicked through , but why do I still love him ? Each day is so hard . I know this new job will help me out though .
I hope you all have a good day

@Wishicouldmoveon Great news! Congratulations on the new job!! x

Thank you, I know I’ve been through this before but when does it get any easier? We’ve ended up arguing via text blocking / unblocking . (Him) i feel
Like it’s either we argue so then I hate him but I get upset and chewed up OR we don’t speak but then I miss him and love him so get upset and chewed up, I can’t win, it’s getting
Harder not easier 😢

All this drama will be damaging your mental health. You really need to detach. Nothing you say or do will affect his decisions. If you don’t, This will be your life going forward. You need to take control of this situation. I know it is tough but you have to stop this constant messaging/arguing/blocking/unblocking as it will completely destroy you. Are you willing to gamble on a fourth time? This is the 3rd time he has done this! Please try and take control back and you start calling the shots.

It’s the fact how nasty he is . Like the last 11 years meant nothing to him. Like he hates me . How can I take back control ? No texting , I need to do this, I really do. I should be a pro at all
This by now, feeling sorry for myself today and i know it won’t change a thing.

UPDATE
He has another woman, during an argument yesterday he tells me he been chatting and been for coffee with another woman in the last 2 weeks. After further arguing he now claims to love her , and he can’t wait for me to see how lovely she is. I’m devastated.
He is saying things to hurt me real bad, I don’t know how long it’s been going on , he tells lies after lies . I can’t stop thinking of them together . Half of me is glad it’s out now so I know it’s over and done with and can’t really hurt anymore than this .

Well now you know for sure - although you already knew really, deep down.
WTF with can't wait for you to see how lovely she is.
If he ever says anything like this again tell him to FUCK OFF and walk away.
He's a spiteful, nasty cunt (and I don't use that word lightly)
Do not allow him to get further into your head.
Only contact him by text or email.
Only every about the DC and access.
If he starts to talk about OW end the conversation immediately and block him for a day.
This is gonna be the hard bit OP.
No doubt about it.
But take control of your life and the contact you and your DC have with him.
No personal stuff from him to you.
It's all business from now on.
Get proper and regular contact in place asap.
Your poor DC have been messed around enough by this fuckwit.
He sticks to what you propose or he can fuck off.
He cannot mess their little heads any more!

STOP contacting him. Just stop. You're throwing texts at him and he's trying to hurt you back. And it's only going to hurt more and more.

At the present time, what reasons do you have to contact him? if its financial affairs or the kids, keep it to that, and do not throw digs in, don't respond to anything but the topic in mind.

Know that someone you deserve is round the corner, and you're going to have the last laugh.

Karma will sort the ex out. You don't have to.

Now you know for sure what a lying POS he is, please take care of yourself and get STI tests.
I'm sure that a few meet ups for coffee over a couple of weeks is completely minimising his relationship with OW so best to be safe.

Thanks everyone. He’s threatened to kill me if I go anywhere near her , I didn't say I wanted to go near her just am hurting he Moved on this quick. He keeps saying he never cheated and it was me that was messaging men ( I’ve never messaged one man) but he wasn’t bothered because he wanted out anyway. I think he’s trying to deflect what he’s done . I feel in a bit of a daze at the moment. I know its done now though . By the sounds of it he’s dating a supermodel the way he tells me how good / nice / she’s better than me / best girl he’s ever met . I won’t email him again except about kids . That’s for sure

I think he’s trying to deflect what he’s done
Yep - total projection. Judging you by his own standards. As all cheaters do.
Of course he cheated.
He's also re-writing history (you texting men!?) to justify his shitty behavior.
He DID cheat. He knows he did. Everything he is saying and doing proves it too. He just doesn't realise it - DICK!!!!!
Head high OP.
It's gonna be a tough few months.

Make you sure you keep any threatening messages he sends you.
He doesn't want you to go near her because you will find out for sure that this has been going on a while and he has been cheating.
Thing is - you already know this so he's wasting his time.

Look after yourself OP.
Reach out to everyone for some love and support.
Tell everyone the truth. Don't hide his dirty secret.

Im sorry you are going through this. It is horrible.
Its going to be hard but in the longrun you will be better off without him. You ARE still a family unit you and the DCs.

The “supermodel” wont be that great in reality and it probably wont last.

Concentrate on getting a new job it will focus you. Do fun things with DCs that you’ve not done before. Get a new haircut. Start thinking of YOU!
Dont engage with him unless necessary - you are just picking at the scab if you do and you wont allow yourself to heal.

My exh dumped me after ‘falling in love’ - she was a right bunny boiler and the relationship didnt last long. Im so glad it happened now though as life has been better and it will be for you too. You’ll find someone who enriches your life and is a proper partner to you. Get some self help books i found them useful.

Ah op I feel for you so much. I think you need some tough love here.

Do not message this man anymore. Block him, delete his number whatever you have to do for a weeks break atleast (people go absolutely bonkers when they don't have attention in situations like this, he seems like the perfect candidate right now. He is fueled by you telling him you need him, hate him and him hurting you. It shows him you care and you need him. So don't do it)

He's a massive arsehole you need respect, someone who won't tell you to change, cheat on you and flaunt it in your face. He fucking left your children, you need to pull yourself together, be a hard cow and move on. Talk to people (even if you don't want a relationship right now) you need a distraction, get him out your head. It's not a bad thing being alone so don't make it so, make it you time. Join classes you never would of done with him in the picture, you went to bingo so try get a baby sitter and do it again.

I think you need to find yourself, find your worth and get rid. You don't need him. To be honest I think you need to do this because he's fucking left your kids, he's not just cheating on you he's cheating on them too.

Big love, you can do this