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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really really really need someone to tell me if I am being unreasonable to my mum

91 replies

User20191 · 06/09/2019 21:46

I don’t know what to do about this. Don’t know if I am being over sensitive or if my upset is justified.

It’s my birthday tomorrow. My mum was due to meet me for a birthday lunch about 25 minutes from her house. We were due to meet at 12.

What was lovely is that she had arranged for my friend to come over to their house at 6 and to do a meal for five of us (brother and dad included). The plan was we would have lunch together then go back to the house (half hour drive) around 3pm and get ready for the dinner.

I text my mum an hour ago and said see you at 12. She’s replied and said she can’t meet me then it is too early and instead I should just drive to their house (about 1.5 hours drive), with the stop for lunch about an hour.

I am really upset as I was looking forward to this with her, just some time me and her. What is upsetting me the most is that I know the reason she wants to cancel is to spend extra time showing off their home to my friend. There’s not even a real reason for it!

I feel totally let down and don’t know what to do. Is this me? I feel so confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
User20191 · 06/09/2019 21:48

Sorry I don’t know if that is clear. I am so upset typing this.

Basically she cancelled lunch and it was a 25 min drive from her house. I would be going an hour an half to her house but going for the lunch on the way.

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 06/09/2019 21:50

I can understand your disappointment but maybe she didn't realise that you were bothered about it.

Have you replied something along the lines of 'oh come on Mum; I was really looking forward to having lunch out with you!'?

minipie · 06/09/2019 21:52

No of course you’re upset, you had a plan for your birthday and she’s pulled out last minute with no good reason. Does she have form for this?

Any chance there was a misunderstanding, she didn’t realise the plan was to meet at 12?

palahvah · 06/09/2019 21:52

So you're going to drive to her house and then go out from there to lunch? And then back to the house again? Or is lunch happening at her place?

Original poster
User20191 · 06/09/2019 22:01

Sorry. We were due to meet for lunch and get back to their house for 3.

OP posts:
Original poster
User20191 · 06/09/2019 22:01

Then dinner at their house at 6.30.

OP posts:
Original poster
User20191 · 06/09/2019 22:05

I told her a few weeks back that it really mattered to me that we had lunch together.

OP posts:
Original poster
User20191 · 06/09/2019 22:07

I can’t stop crying I just feel so shit and let down.

She’s said that I’m being totally unreasonable and she doesn’t have time to have lunch and then do dinner.

OP posts:
Paperthin · 06/09/2019 22:11

OP Is it a special birthday? Could it be a surprise party at her house and she’s tricking you into going over earlier? Just a thought - sorry if that’s not on the right track, but could it be ?

Original poster
User20191 · 06/09/2019 22:13

Not a special birthday no. On my 30th she was too busy to have breakfast with me because she was having work done on the house as her friend was coming to stay two weeks later.

There will be no surprise this is just her obsession with how things look (even though my friend won’t even care or notice).

I’ve told her I am upset and her response is that I’ve never bothered to cook for her or my dad so I wouldn’t know how stressful it is to do a dinner. She’s jkst being nasty now.

OP posts:
EileenAlanna · 06/09/2019 22:20

Just text her saying it's not what you were expecting & planned for so you'll just give it a miss. I'd be upset too so don't stress it, maybe you & your friend could do something else? Have a Happy Birthday anyway Flowers

Herocomplex · 06/09/2019 22:21

So she’s cooking a meal for you all in the evening? Maybe she is feeling a bit harassed by it all? I’m getting the feeling that this isn’t a new thing though and she changes her mind a lot?

You do seem very upset though, do you often feel like that around your mum?

Original poster
User20191 · 06/09/2019 22:24

I am distraught about it. Mostly because when I told her I was upset she then told me I was being inconsiderate and only thinking of myself etc etc etc. For me it is just a repeat of my 30th and feels shit.

She lets me down constantly and is irrational and hysterical sometimes. Other times she can be great.

I think she is harassed definitely and maybe I should just ignore it?

We are in the middle of a texting row and I am in tears I just wanted her to understand. What should I do? My friend will find it weird it I cancel the dinner now too. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Kanga83 · 06/09/2019 22:25

Can you cancel the dinner and meet your friend for lunch then tell your mum as dinner is so stressful to make meet for lunch as planned and no one is going back to her house

Original poster
User20191 · 06/09/2019 22:27

Yes I could do that but it will cause all sorts of drama and I am not good at just ignoring things where my mum or family is concerned. I will be very upset about it and would rather it was just all ok.

I hate my birthday and was dreading this weekend as it was! This is why.

OP posts:
CherrySocks · 06/09/2019 22:30

I'm sorry this is upsetting you and I can see that it is upsetting. I think she is being unkind because you told her it was important to you.

Maybe she has got stressed about preparing the dinner and tidying her house and has lost sight of the actual point ie spending time with you on your birthday.

Could you meet her for lunch on a different weekend?

Could you do something else tomorrow morning as a treat for yourself, and then focus on enjoying the evening meal?

LemonTT · 06/09/2019 22:31

Tbh when I read the first part of the post I thought doing lunch and then doing a dinner was too much. Food wise and time wise.

But it sounds like you have problems with the way she plans your celebrations. This could be a symptom of other things. However in general if other people plan celebrations you sort of get stuck with what they think you want to do. Which like unwanted presents is actually more or less what they want.

The only solution is to plan you own celebrations and don’t include your mother in anything other than an invite. It may also be time to work through you feelings and expectations of her. Otherwise you could have a life of disappointment.

Original poster
User20191 · 06/09/2019 22:31

Yes I could do that I am just finding it very hard as she had said some horrible things to me.

OP posts:
CherrySocks · 06/09/2019 22:32

Also happy birthday for tomorrow Cake Flowers

DoctorAllcome · 06/09/2019 22:33

Making a special dinner for 5 people is an all day affair.
She probably bit off more than she can chew.
I’d rain check the lunch- postpone it for another day and go to the dinner.
Don’t take it so personally in terms of being let down for not getting both lunch & dinner. It’s the thought that counts, right? She wanted to do both but was unable to do both.

Original poster
User20191 · 06/09/2019 22:34

We’ve said horrible things to each other now. I feel so sad.

OP posts:
CherrySocks · 06/09/2019 22:44

I'm sorry.

I think you could plan yourself 10 treats for the next few weeks and months which don't involve your mum. To be honest it sound like she isn't able to focus on the right things at the right time. She shouldn't have agreed to meeting you at 12 for lunch if she wasn't going to be able to cope.

Original poster
User20191 · 06/09/2019 22:46

I wish I hadn’t arranged anything with her.

OP posts:
CucinaBreakfast · 06/09/2019 22:50

Honestly? It's your birthday, she's changed the plans, minimized your feelings and said horrible things to you. Tell her to enjoy the dinner, you won't be joining, and arrange something you actually want to do.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 06/09/2019 22:56

Ah, I’m sorry. I think it always hurts more when it’s your mum seeming not to give a fuck, because it’s your mum. I don’t know how normal an experience that is. Maybe it’s easy to say (since my DC are only 7 and 1), but I can’t imagine ever being that callous towards mine.

It does sound like you are caught in quite a difficult dynamic - escalating into saying horrible things etc. Worth trying to unpick that a bit if you can, I think - I don’t think both of you saying horrible things is entirely proportionate to the situation.

Hope you have a lovely birthday - things might look a bit brighter in the morning. Flowers