Really really really need someone to tell me if I am being unreasonable to my mum

[User20191]

I don’t know what to do about this. Don’t know if I am being over sensitive or if my upset is justified.

It’s my birthday tomorrow. My mum was due to meet me for a birthday lunch about 25 minutes from her house. We were due to meet at 12.

What was lovely is that she had arranged for my friend to come over to their house at 6 and to do a meal for five of us (brother and dad included). The plan was we would have lunch together then go back to the house (half hour drive) around 3pm and get ready for the dinner.

I text my mum an hour ago and said see you at 12. She’s replied and said she can’t meet me then it is too early and instead I should just drive to their house (about 1.5 hours drive), with the stop for lunch about an hour.

I am really upset as I was looking forward to this with her, just some time me and her. What is upsetting me the most is that I know the reason she wants to cancel is to spend extra time showing off their home to my friend. There’s not even a real reason for it!

I feel totally let down and don’t know what to do. Is this me? I feel so confused.

OP - I am not sure what it going on.
But it seems like your mother is doing a nice thing - making dinner and inviting your friend.
Whose idea was to also have the lunch just before?
It does sound too much for the day - especially if she needs to make the house guest-ready and cook too....

I will also say that your reaction sounds very dramatic for someone over 30. Not sure why you are being so distraught any emotional when your mother is already making a lot of effort.
Is there some back story about you and your mom and why you seem to still be so sensitive/needy around her?

Yes I don’t trust my mum whatsoever with my feelings and have been dreading this weekend for ages.

I think it is a lot perhaps that she is doing the dinner. I probably depend far too much on the relationship as it has typically been very up and down, I never feel secure around her. She would tell me it’s all me but she’s the only person I feel stressed around.

Every year I tell myself I need to distance myself from her and bit by bit I have. She’s not a bar person but there’s obviously a problem between us as I have zero trust in her and always think she is trying to hurt me.

She lets me down constantly and is irrational and hysterical sometimes. Other times she can be great.

You know she will let you down. You know you're chasing her love and approval. At best she's flaky at worst this is dysfunctional and damaging.

Would you consider counselling to help you work out what's going on and learn to set some boundaries?

My mum passed away 2 years ago. You only get one mum, I would do anything to see mine again!

Don't rule her out completely, time goes too fast.

I hate her. I have had counselling and been told repeatedly that I was neglected emotionally as a child. I do recognise this now and can see that she herself had many issues in her own childhood.

@User20191 I get you. I have a similar dysfunctional relationship with my mum. Which has also affected my birthdays! It might be worth popping over to the stately homes thread in relationships, have a read and see if you can relate to any of it.

Unfortunately you will find a lot of people just don't understand what it's like to have dysfunctional relationships with parents.

She lets me down constantly and is irrational and hysterical sometimes. and yet you are the one who can't stop crying, and who is telling us 'you are distraught' . It mus run in the family.

Whereas I get it that you are disappointed she's changed the arrangements last minute, I doubt if I am the only one to think it is a bit odd to go out for lunch with someone then have them host dinner for you the same night. She has probably just realised that it is going to be awkward to do both on the same day.
I get you are disappointed, but it does sound unreasonable to be that upset with someone arranging an big birthday dinner for you.

*My mum passed away 2 years ago. You only get one mum, I would do anything to see mine again!

Don't rule her out completely, time goes too fast.*

I am very sorry to hear this. However this is not helpful to the OP, not all mums are the same and some mums (and dads) are very emotionally neglectful. OP shouldn't have to put up with hurtful behaviour just because you only get one mum. OP's upset is clearly far more than just about today.

I think it’s cancelling the night before that’s hurt me.

But I can see I am being dramatic. I just hate her and wish I had no emotional tie to her.

OP - you don’t hate your mother.
You have some old trauma and you seem to try to heal some of it in the present by hoping she proves something to you.
It’s impossible on all dimensions.
You can’t change the past.
And she will continue failing any test you design down her - because you expect her to.
It’s dysfunctional, as you say yourself.
I don’t know what happened in the past. But I am not sure that more disconnect from her that you really need.
I would have hoped that - maybe - you can find a way to have a more healthy and less emotionally volatile relationship with her?
Btw - when you are in a relationship - and your mind/heart is focused on another adult (who isn’t her) - does it change the dynamics of your relationship?

Yes in a relationship I care much less.

She’s never made me feel secure and you’re right I was waiting for her to fuck up and on my head her cancelling was it for me. Black and white. I almost knew she would even before she did.

When I look at these posts from you mumsnetters, my mum wouldn’t even know how to engage like that. She wouldn’t get it. She’d think it was all rubbish. She’s great with practical stuff and terrible with emotional stuff.

Realistically it's not unreasonable to duck out of one part of someone's birthday plans because the other thing you are doing with them for their birthday is too time consuming to squeeze both in.

I wonder if the tears and hurt are entirely about the history you have with your mother (or something else you're feeling fragile about) rather than no lunch out?

I'm sorry that you're upset though. If the friend wasn't involved I think I'd just cancel. As she is involved, I'd probably message saying something vaguely diplomatic to my mother like "I do understand your reasoning, was just disappointed as I was particularly looking forward to lunch just the two of us. Dinner will be lovely though, see you then. Sorry for saying xyz". I'd suck it up and brazen out the dinner, then take a serious look at what sort of ongoing relationship I want with someone I feel keeps letting me down.

Family 'stuff' can be so gruelling.

Yeah I can get over the no lunch out.

It’s the fact she’s a done it when I had specifically said that was the one thing that was important to me. It feels shit.

I rely far too much on the relationship with her. I expect so much from her that I just never get and won’t ever get. She lives 41 miles from me, she’s 55 and drives, and has never once driven to see me on her own. She basically can’t be arsed. She’ll be on the phone to you and suddenly begin talking to someone in the room with her when you’re half way through a conversation. Even when she’s called not me!

I find her rude and dismissive and yet she can be brilliant. Maybe just as a mother I needed more from her and that’s my issue rather than hers

So sorry to hear your mum has let you down like this. If you’ve been emotionally neglected, it seems like she just lacks the capacity to give you the connection and emotional support you need. I know how bad it feels, I was emotionally neglected too and it’s caused me a lot of issues. My mother cant really connect to people on a deep level.
I think you almost need to accept your mother’s limitations as they are, and don’t expect her to give you what she can’t /won’t give you. It helps me to remember that my mothers own upbringing is what’s caused her to be this way. And your mother will also have a reason. Maybe she feels far “safer” in the realm of making her home look perfect and putting on a nice dinner. But emotionally connecting to her daughter over lunch - there’s something she can’t handle about that, though she wouldn’t be able necessarily to articulate why. It’s her general inability to provide emotional support and connect with someone. The tempting thing to do is to believe it’s somehow your fault, that you’re somehow unloveable because your own mother doesn’t love you in the way you need. But that’s a lie. It’s not to do with you, it’s to do with her own inadequacies. If I were you I’d go to the dinner and enjoy it but just remember there’s a limit to what she can give you. There’s other, better love out there for you. Hope you have a happy birthday

Thank you so much.

She had a tough upbringing and I know that’s why she is how she is. She’s great in other ways but just not this one. I have no other feelings of insecurity with anyone other than her.i know I must accept it and actually compared with in the past I think I am doing better. It’s jjst hard sometimes and that’s why I really hate my birthday!

Thank you for the kind words

OP - you posted about her before, didn’t you?
Something in the story of not driving up to see you is familiar...
All I am going to add - given the ages - she seems to have been a young mother when she had you. And probably struggled with being one.
You need to give her and you a break.
She will never be a different mother you want her to be.
But she most likely does love you. Just in her own way - affected by her buildup and upbringing.
You really really need to stop trying to change the past.

She was 23, not that young I don’t think?

But yes I know I can’t change the past. It’s jist hard sometimes, I feel let down.

Your friend won't worry about you changing the plan - just say it's too much for your mum and "let's go bowling [other options are available] instead".

It sounds like you need to take a step back from your mum and reduce the amount of contact.

Your mum sounds a lot like mine. I feel for you. I was once ditched at Christmas a week before. So I ended up spending Christmas with just my DD (who was 4 at the time). It’s what I plan to do this year too as I really can’t be bothered with being let down again. I have counselling too and I’ve constantly been told I’ve suffered emotional abuse and neglect same as you by my mum.

You're probably right to say you needed more from her as a mother, but wrong to say that's your issue not hers - it's definitely her issue if she didn't meet the bar for your basic emotional needs. And that's had a knock on effect regarding how you manage as an adult.

It also makes your relationship with her difficult because you still look to her for support, but she can't just change into someone capable of meeting your needs, so the cycle goes on and on. It's not doomed to continue though. You have insight and can see the problems that she has brought to the table and the effect they've had on you - that's the first step to getting yourself to a healthier place (emotionally).

Your mum sounds a bit like my mum OP. She was and still is pretty crap emotionally. She has never been an emotional support to me, I go to my dad for all of that. My mum always made me feel like I wasn't as good enough as my brother and she was very controlling in her behaviour towards me and my siblings. We all believe now she has mental health problems. So I do allow her some slack with things.

She has helped me in other ways with my life. She likes to throw money at all my problems. But she will never be the mum I want her to be. But I've accepted and made peace with it. I don't expect anything anymore. I keep my distance and some things I just don't discuss with her at all.

23 is young.
OP - try to remember yourself at that age, it hasn’t been that long for you. We’re YOU ready to be a mother then?
You said she had a difficult life herself.
And she missed out on her youth because she had kid(s) - you mentioned a brother?
You are very very focused on your own life.
And she has her own story just as well. Punishing her now only hurts you, and your relationship with her.

I would imagine she's got behind with getting things ready, and worrying as to whether 3 hours is long enough to prepare and cook for all of you. So lunch out wouldn't be a nice and relaxing lunch.
I'd be too stressed to go for lunch before cooking a big celebration meal, and I'm well known for being able to rustle up a decent 3 course meal on the spur of the moment!

I do think you're taking this too personally. I don't think it is that she doesn't want to go for lunch, or that she is deliberately letting you down, it's just the nice family meal has grown legs and got bigger with inviting your friend and I'm sure now she has planned what she is cooking she just realises she needs more than 3 hours to prepare, and going out for lunch beforehand isn't going to help.

I'd simply be fine about it and apologise and rather than make a big deal out of the whole thing simply say the grown up thing: 'I do appreciate going for lunch wouldn't be relaxing for you knowing you're going to have to cook all of us a lovely meal later, so let's arrange lunch another time as I really wanted to just have a special mum and daughter lunch but we can do that any weekend. '

I’m so sorry, OP.

Practically speaking, don’t put yourself in that breakfast or lunch on a special occasion situation again. For whatever reason your mum cannot do what you need there. So don’t open yourself up to rejection and don’t ask it of her.

If I were you, and for the sake of my friend, I’d text an almost-apology, something like:

Sorry about the upset about the cancelled lunch - I was really looking forward to it but I do understand you’re already doing a meal for me tomorrow and I do appreciate that. See you later.

Then I’d make sure any new birthday plans from now on were in my control - you invite her to lunch, or you decline her kind invite to host because you’d like to try X restaurant. The key thing is but to have her be the sole guest.

I know that’s what you ultimately crave, but I think you need to protect yourself and accept it’s not happening ever so how can you instead make it right for you and your mum. Take the power back.

Happy birthday!