Really really really need someone to tell me if I am being unreasonable to my mum

[User20191]

I don’t know what to do about this. Don’t know if I am being over sensitive or if my upset is justified.

It’s my birthday tomorrow. My mum was due to meet me for a birthday lunch about 25 minutes from her house. We were due to meet at 12.

What was lovely is that she had arranged for my friend to come over to their house at 6 and to do a meal for five of us (brother and dad included). The plan was we would have lunch together then go back to the house (half hour drive) around 3pm and get ready for the dinner.

I text my mum an hour ago and said see you at 12. She’s replied and said she can’t meet me then it is too early and instead I should just drive to their house (about 1.5 hours drive), with the stop for lunch about an hour.

I am really upset as I was looking forward to this with her, just some time me and her. What is upsetting me the most is that I know the reason she wants to cancel is to spend extra time showing off their home to my friend. There’s not even a real reason for it!

I feel totally let down and don’t know what to do. Is this me? I feel so confused.

Thanks for the posts. I can see that my reaction is ridiculous and also that it doesn’t matter about a lunch given we have dinner plans.

I think with my mum it is about having time just with her. She’s never organised anything just for us, for instance we’ve never gone on a holiday together or to the theatre. I know lots of people don’t do those things with their parent but my parents have a lot of money and a lot of time (part time work) and they do these things together all the time. She just never wants to do anything just with me and in the background of those who I was brought up with at school, all my friends have very close relationships with their mums and they are forever having girl days and spa trips etc. I do recognise that it’s not necessarily the norm but it is normal in my circle of friends.

I feel like a complete idiot today because I know that I shouldn’t have had that reaction and I know the relationship is dysfunctional.

OP, whilst this is upsetting for you I do think you need to take some ownership of this ongoing drama in your life.

Your Mum constantly lets you down.
Yet you insist on making arrangements that you know she will cancel.

You know she spoils your birthday with some drama.
Yet you allow her to arrange a birthday dinner.

You know she cancels arrangements with you at the drop of a hat.
Yet you insist on making arrangements.

She does not sound like a nice Mum, you are very low on her list of priorities.

You are placing yourself in a position where you repeatedly get hurt.

Your mother no doubt sees you as very damanding and needy.

You need to badly pull back from your relationship and spend time and energy developing a life that does not involve your mother.

You are never going to get from her, what you need.

You need to try and accept this rather than putting yourself in a situation where you are continuously proved right about her.

You need counseling. You need to learn how to accept your reality.

Otherwise you will continue to waste these great years of your youth over something that cannot be fixed.

Happy birthday 💐

Yes I do recognise that.

I immediately leap on anything she does wrong as a way to prove myself right. I can see that.

If a friend had cancelled I would be upset but if they explained why I would be far more understanding with them than with my mum.

She’s a great person in many ways and that’s why I want a relationship with her. I won’t even have that full feeling of security, even if she was to provide it now, as the insecurity comes from way way back. I need to distance myself and not be so reliant.

Going to try and see lunch situation as a good thing where I can step back a bit and still enjoy a relationship with her.

billy1966

Is spot on, break the cycle and accept the good and ignore the bad.

Yes. It’s easier said than done but I am going to do just that and not rely on her in this way.

Thank you to everyone who has posted and helped me address this in a sensible way.

Honestly? It's your birthday, she's changed the plans, minimized your feelings and said horrible things to you. Tell her to enjoy the dinner, you won't be joining, and arrange something you actually want to do.

THIS.

I used to think as my mum was so lovely to everyone and they all loved her it must be ME

The trouble is when you're brought up by some one who is immature, dramatic , self centred and child dish you learn these behaviours yourself.

Then as you grow you realise that this ain't right - lots of rows in teen age years.

But due to ti your 'education' you haven't got the emotional tools to say:

'Ok, I'm sorry you feel that way.
This is not working for me.
I think we'll agree ti differ on this.
But I do need to do what is best for me. '

AND THEN WALK AWAY.

I am still 'unlearning ' stuff and I'm feeling great. (I'm 54)

My own daughter is nc with me for over 2 years.

BUT I respect her decision and keep out her space.

I only hope that if she does ever want me in her life again I have grown enough to be able to have a healthy relationship with her.

Don't be me.
Hold your head up high and walk way.
Maybe the only way you'll ever get her respect.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
But putting up with it is your responsibility x

OP,

A large part of your hurt is likely because you have absolutely no control over these situations.

You make arrangements, and then you wait for your feelings to take a battering and you're all upset and proved right again.

Do you want to be right or do you want some control and emotional calm in your life?

Stop allowing her to control the narrative of ye're relationship.

Step away, don't make contact, give them space. Take time to find some counseling.

Hopefully by taking control you will feel less dominated by these feelings of hopelessness and impending drama.

I really understand.

I just started making other plans for my birthday as I knew it would be disappointment. Maybe next year, plan something special with some of your friends for your birthday.

Neome Thank you for your caring post. I have as many not so positive memories as I do positive ones. I just choose to remember the good ones as I think life is too short to keep find fault with people especially parents. I find it easier to get through life by being accepting that we are not all clones of one another. Your post is very kind and I appreciate that....thank you again.

Robin 2323. If you re read OP posts you will see that she says she also says mean things back to her mother. We only have one side here, I'm guessing there are two.

When people say 'break the cycle'... I have to say that thinking everything is always someone else and not ourselves sometimes is a rather shortsighted way of dealing with what we perceive as a problem. Surely a way to break the cycle is to become less expectational regarding others.

User 20191 OP - You may have read my post about my mum having dementia... well I love my mum but she has not been the easiest mum over the years. She was regularly selfish and never organized anything for me to do with her...ever. She was abusive to us as children and would try to divide her own children to get them just to speak to her and not each other. Yes, this is a trait that was annoying and has left its scars.... But she had a great other side to her, she was funny, she was great with grandchildren, she was there to call if I felt I needed someone. I choose to recognize her good points. We all have things about us that are more negative than positive regardless of how greater or lesser they may be.....In the end, I really do look at my mum now with love and with gratitude. She did the best she could do with the tools she had. I now have a daughter who is insensitive... I rush to her whenever she needs me and that is quite often. She will forget to remember Mothers Day and will expect a gift and card on her own birthday while not bothering with mine a week later. But I love my daughter and I will always be there for her - I choose to be who I am and accept who she is. We are all created differently, sometimes we need to just love people for who they are and not who we want them to be. My father was no better, left his wife and three children went off with a younger model. Is totally self-centred - but I like to see him when I see him! I love him even though I don't respect his behaviors. What I am really trying to say is....none of us is perfect - and at the end if your mother is in a chair looking at you with no recognition you will wish you could talk to her just one more time or have her laugh with you about something you both did and her know exactly who you are. My advice to you is... savour the good times. As the poem says "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

OP, I don't think your reaction or your feelings are ridiculous. They are trying to tell you something. Your mother keeps hurting you because every time she does, she minimises your feelings, and then you minimise them in turn, so nothing changes.
Your feelings are valid. They may look like an overreaction to someone who didn't understand, but many DO understand, and YOU understand. Look after yourself; don't allow her to be in a position where she can do this to you again. Give yourself what you want from her - validation of your own feelings. Allow yourself to be upset with her. Don't minimise your emotional self. It's your power. It can be your birthday present to yourself!

I dont think youve overeacted at all. Cancelling on someone's birthday is a really horrible hurtful thing to do. It would be different if 1. She hadnt done it previously and 2. She had offered an altetnative and 3. Acknowledged your feelings.

Practically I think you need to not give her the chance to hurt you again. So dont make plans that have any real importance with her.

*@HenriettaH *
Robin 2323. If you re read OP posts you will see that she says she also says mean things back to her mother. We only have one side here, I'm guessing there are two.

Yes I read the post.

Of course she said mean things to her mum.
Her mum had let her Down - again.

Op is seeking validation that will never come.

Of course there are two side ti every story.

I answer this post in support of op.

There maybe is a very 'good' reasons the dm consistently let her daughter down.

It's still bad show.

And if someone lets you down a lot there will come a time when even the most laid back person will say mean things.

IMHO

Henrietta - did you manage to make that shift to ‘taking things as they are, and appreciating the good while overlooking the bad’ before your mum became ill?
I’m curious partly because I have seen some unloving, difficult relationships in my own family be transformed by serious illness in a similar way. But I don’t think the people involved would have understood that, or been able to respond to the wisdom in it, without going through that experience.

My relationship with my mother is... complicated. I’m hesitant to describe her as emotionally neglectful (aware this hesitancy is also fairly typical!), but definitely she has let me down repeatedly, particularly during very needy phases in my life, in a way I hope I won’t do to my own children, and in a way that I’ve found many women from more normal families don’t understand. Objectively I think she did the best she could - certainly much better than her own mother did! - and some of the time her best was good enough. Not always.

We are now of very similar ages to OP and her mother, and our relationship is possibly the best it has ever been (by which I mean it is genuinely mutually supportive, rather than LC with carefully-managed expectations). I think it helps massively that we have both been through some form of counselling - me when suffering with PND which was when I really had to acknowledge the parts of my own mothering which had been painful, her during/following a bereavement.

I’m waffling a bit now - the stuff about my own experiences isn’t connected to my question about whether Henrietta was able to detach and view her own mother with compassion prior to dementia. Separately, I wanted to say that my experience is that relationships are dynamic, including relationships with difficult mothers.