I think my best friend is being ripped off and I'm heartbroken about it..

[jemimavintage]

Right, I'm in SERIOUS need of advice and opinions, before I take any more steps with this as a friend...

Bit of a long story, so bear with me (so sorry about the length.. :( :( )...

I've got a good friend who I've known for 30 years. He has always had very bad health problems (kidney failure with 3 transplants, all eventually failed) and I'm surprised he's last this long!! He's lasted this long I think....because he has a very very chilled out attitude to life..

He lives in a house that's worth about....£500,000 because of its location (Bucks). It was his mums house and she worked bloody hard for it....single parent etc... He also inherited a £350,000 flat from his aunt who left it to him (not to both him and his sister) because he has health problems and she didn't want him to be struggling if he couldn't work.

BUT!! 2 years ago he was teaching a girl to drive (that's his job, part time driving instructor). She was 18. He's never had a girlfriend cos he's been in and out of hospital. I'm not even sure whether he's had sex with anyone!! I don't think he has!! He still has a fairly ok social life tho... a few friends, good extended family (who don't live local) etc.

This girl tho, once she had passed her test, she started bombarding him with texts night and day. She had a bf and still has the same bf.. So she's texting him night and day (all through the night!!) GOD knows about what... In my opinion, she realised he was living alone with no gf, no wife.....house paid for and she's grooming him. Her family are of a type. They sell dodgy tobacco down the pub and similar things etc. We've all probably done dodgy stuff so I don't want to come across as some sort of prude but... I'm trying to give a flavour of the type of fam. Massive rotwieller, bf drives old bangers that are modified, street racing, he's 20 also.. weed, other drugs probably..

bf of the girl has had thousands from his family to buy stupid cars and owes thousands to them. Has gambling debt. The girl owns about a million exotic birds that she started buying when she became very pally with my friend. I think he has paid for them all. They're all upstairs in a bedroom in her house, where she lives with mother and bf.

She's had various stuff out of my mate that I know about: phones, clothes, insurances, headstone for her dads grave (!!), dinners where her whole fam turn up and the bf whole fam turn up, her mother drinks 7 pints and shots cos my mate's paying for it......thousands.. And that's what I know about.

I have TRIED bollocking him. He says he has no romantic interest in her but it seems if she said jump, he would jump. She has helped him with some hospital stuff but she runs round with his credit card while she does so...

Back to the £350,000 flat from his aunt.. He WAS gonna give his sister (who lives in USA) half but this bloody girl told him not to cos the sister doesn't 'help look after him'.....so he's not giving sister 50%. I've tried to stay neutral. I don't have any friendship with his sister. If I tried to, he would disown me. He said he's prepared to lose his relationship with sis if she doesn't like the fact that she's not getting 50% of the flat. He also said he won't leave his £500,000 house to her if she tries to pressure him. ffs...

I am NOT after any of his money. Nothing. I could have pressured him to help me out loads of times and I never have. I wouldn't.

Anyway, fast forward to last week. First thing monday morning, just after some other work stuff had hit the fan, he sends me a message on fb to say he had bought her £35k MERCEDES WITH A PRIVATE NUMBER PLATE for her 21st because it's her 'dream car'. I felt physically sick when I read it and as I say, had a horrible work situation to sort out...so just sent him a bit of a bollocking (a sentence) but with a joke about something else on the end....while I decided how I feel about it.
Well, I still feel sick. I know it's his life... but he's going to get fleeced for every penny.

This girl has also sulked when she wasn't 'next of kin' at the hospital, so now she's next of kin too. 2 years she's known him...

My worst fear is that she gets him to change his will, checks he's done it, and then something happens to him. He needs to dialyse every other day or something... I could foresee a million ways that the girl, her bf, his mates could make something happen to my friend.

The girls bf lent money from him last year and when he asked for it back, gave him a load of abuse... The bf also phoned him a couple of weeks ago and asked 'when do you get the money from the sale of the flat?'.

When I tell him to be careful, he tells me he trusts the girl but not the bf. And that the bf never spends money on her and she's always moaning to my mate about that... It's BS.. to garner sympathy..

He's also paying half towards her 21st party, half towards a birthday trip to Amsterdam, etc etc. This is just what I know about.

What do I do, if anything??! I wish there was some law I could....threaten her with (even if he gets wind of it), because I'd like to give her a piece of my mind!! At 20, I wouldn't have said boo to a goose!! So far I've sent him 2 outbursts over fb.. One was less upfront than the other.. but the upfront one was very upfront... I'm not accusing HIM of anything.. but I'm saying essentially that he's been groomed and is being groomed...and that...I'm struggling to think of a way forward if the future is gonna just be him, handing over massive amounts of money and gifts to someone he hardly knows... because 'she's a laugh'...

What the hell do I do??!!? I feel a certain level of responsibility... I wish to god I had a relationship with his sister where I could alert her. I think if I alerted her from cold, he would just dump me and that would mean he's even MORE exposed without me watching things. At least I have a written record of all the main elements of the past 2 years.. (threats from the bf, the grooming etc)...

Helpppp!!!!! I am SO upset about it all.. I'd hate to lose him as a friend...but I also can't watch him get ripped off for what could amount to £800,000 by a 20 year old... 💔💔

Thanks for any thoughts or comments, Mumsnetters.. x

Does he lack mental capacity and/ or have a learning disability? I can see why you're concerned, but if he is doing these things with free will, I don't see what you can do about it (or that you should do anything about it).

From what you've written it sounds like they may have an 'understanding', so he may be effectively paying for a FWB.

It's hard to know what to do as he's a grown man and has obviously made his wealth clear to her for his own reasons (whatever they may be).

what a horrible situation, your poor friend.

All you can do is sit down with him calmly and rationally and tell him your fears. At the end of the day as long as he is of sound mind, he is responsible for what he does with his money even if as an outsider looking in you see it for what it is. You cannot make him do anything, maybe he likes helping her, maybe he thinks fuck it I'm not going to live long enough to enjoy all this money, and maybe (probably) she is praying on his situation. However, there is nothing you can do apart from tell him how you feel and then just be there for him if it blows apart. Bit like watching a car crash, you know it's going to happen but you are powerless to stop it.

Just stand back.
Be happy if he's happy.
When it goes wrong he will be able to turn to you.

Any other route could lead to 'its you and me against the world' and leave him more vulnerable.

Thank you for your replies. Yes, he's of sound mind but he is very very naive...when it comes to women. It won't be FWB, I'm 99% sure of that. He's just not 'sexed' in that way... I've been his best mate for 30 years... and he's never remotely come across in that way. I know everyone can hide elements of their personalities... but I do think it's straightforward financial grooming... maybe because he's lonely. He lost his mum maybe... 5 years ago... having lived at home the whole time.. sigh

I would ask him if he’s afraid of anything happening if he says no to her.
Sadly I think it’s hopeless.

onacleardayyoucansee Yes, so far, that's all I've been able to really do.. I'm just so livid at the nerve of someone so young.. and at the level of disrespect... I do feel like having a word with her myself.. but... ugh.. what a pain..

Does he have anyone to leave his assets to? If not, he might have made the choice to spend them now on something that brings him some joy.

NoBaggyPants He has a niece and a nephew who live in USA and that's it. He said the car purchase for her was 'worth every penny' to see her bf's face fall to the floor - because she's told him for 2 years that the bf only buys her a £7 jumper from Primark for her birthday... so all the comments coming from my mate....are seemingly as a result of her grooming him and manipulating his thinking..

Yes, there is definitely an element where he's reckless because he has health issues...

herocomplex ugh god that would be awful if he was feeling like he HAD to buy things for her and give her money...but it's definitely a possibility.. There's just..nothing in law really is there that you can use to stop someone from being super daft!!!

I think you need to ask him bluntly why a young woman would want to be friends with her driving instructor and how might benefit from the friendship. Ask whether it is ever appropriate to spend £35k on a present for somebody.

At the end of the day if he doesn't have anyone else to spend money on and he enjoys it it's up to him. She clearly seems to be using him but maybe he doesn't care.

I wouldn’t be blunt, that’s cruel. He needs you to be a friend, who clearly cares about him.

Doyoumind Yep, I said to him that....she has some nerve accepting a £35k car, at the age of 20!! But you're right.. I don't think he cares that she's hard faced like that... It's almost like he's having the experience of 'looking after' someone... but it's coming out very very distorted. He's 51 btw..

I think sadly your options here are somewhat limited!.Unless he is not of a sound mind ,there is little you can do other than be a good friend to him really.You say he is not "sexed " in that way ,but if a 20 yr old is coming on to him he may respond !.The other option is does he see her as a daughter do you think?.He sounds ill and lonely ,so may welcome a youngster to "look after".As far as his sister is concerned i,f a will was made up excluding her ,he is within his rights to leave everything to this girl Im afraid.It seems as though he has been taken for a mug. But somehow this girl is filling a need in him ,to be in the company of a youngster like this is obviously an ego boost for him .Her family sound vile but as you say if you interfere you will probably lose the friendship !

He wants to have sex with her.

I actually feel quite sorry for him OP. He’s definitely being taken for a mug and he obviously thinks this girls fa

He’s a vulnerable person because he is disabled. I’d contact a social worker and see if there is anything they can do.

Sorry posted to soon.....
The girls false friendship is genuine! She’s only his ‘mate’ to get what she can out of him. It’s so sad that his loneliness has lead to him being taken advantage of in such a way. He needs some counseling and as his friend of 30 years I would be sparing his feelings and telling him now naïve he’s being.
If however he wants to spend his money on her there is not much you can do to stop him. I can’t believe he’s stupid enough to have given the girl a bank card! She must think all her Christmas’ have come at once!

Yes to all of those posts, apart from the one saying he wants sex with her. He's just one of those people who truly isn't sexed. I think it's as another poster said, it's like a daughter figure for him. The daughter he's never had.

DrAllcome, I will look more into this issue of his various disabilities.. He has other issues over and above his kidney issues. None are mental issues but they are all disabling in their own ways..

At the moment, I'm finding myself making snarky comments on fb.. on my own wall... knowing he will see them.. and doing a passive aggressive thing on him, without directly mentioning him.. because I feel so upset about it... But previous I've told him he's the loveliest person ever (and have told him this in one of the 2 outbursts I had at him), and I don't fault him... but I feel as tho I've got to do SOMETHING to either wake him from this manipulation, or alert someone..... or...something.... If this ends badly I know that I'll wish I DID something... In real life, I'm the person who 'says something' if I 'see something'... I'm not really known for tip-toeing around situations. I'm know for being extremely direct. He does know that... which is almost certainly why he didn't tell me about the car beforehand. He had told me about other things beforehand.. ugh..

It's thoroughly creepy for a 50 year old man to strike up a friendship with his 18 year old female student.

He DOES think her friendship is genuine, btw.. I keep saying to him that she's taking him for a ride and he keeps saying that she's his friend... she's his '2nd best friend'... sigh

But yes, that's quite significant I think.... that he does think the friendship is genuine...

Ftumch Yes, yes it is, in some ways. SHE is the one who spent weeks and weeks texting him non-stop and ingratiating herself into his life... buying him little cheap gifts like....putting miniature bottles of whiskeys through his door because he likes whisky at Xmas time... whisky liquors, things like that.. Telling him they're going to Dublin for the day on his birthday (he obviously pays for it). And just forcing her presence on him night and day. Knowing his whole hospital schedule, when he dialysing and then turning up and sitting there the whole session, until he's got used to her presence... so that she could withdraw it if she wanted and knows he would miss the company.. etc etc..

And ref the 'creepy' thing, he has ZERO history of this with any other his other students, all of whom were 17.. Absolutely zero. So the majority of this kicking off, has been her noticing he's alone and.....pretty much targeting him...

It's been SUCH an eye-opener into how easy it is to scam people.. It wouldn't be easy for me because I'm not a massively sociable person in real life... but for someone who is gregarious and extrovert, with very little conscience..... too easy really..

Yes, she does sound like shes exploiting his interest in her, but the fact there is an interest in her in the first place in inappropriate. If she s as bad as you say, then it doesn't sound like she is great intellectual or emotional company - just something young and pretty to look at and be seen with.