I think my best friend is being ripped off and I'm heartbroken about it..

[jemimavintage]

Right, I'm in SERIOUS need of advice and opinions, before I take any more steps with this as a friend...

Bit of a long story, so bear with me (so sorry about the length.. :( :( )...

I've got a good friend who I've known for 30 years. He has always had very bad health problems (kidney failure with 3 transplants, all eventually failed) and I'm surprised he's last this long!! He's lasted this long I think....because he has a very very chilled out attitude to life..

He lives in a house that's worth about....£500,000 because of its location (Bucks). It was his mums house and she worked bloody hard for it....single parent etc... He also inherited a £350,000 flat from his aunt who left it to him (not to both him and his sister) because he has health problems and she didn't want him to be struggling if he couldn't work.

BUT!! 2 years ago he was teaching a girl to drive (that's his job, part time driving instructor). She was 18. He's never had a girlfriend cos he's been in and out of hospital. I'm not even sure whether he's had sex with anyone!! I don't think he has!! He still has a fairly ok social life tho... a few friends, good extended family (who don't live local) etc.

This girl tho, once she had passed her test, she started bombarding him with texts night and day. She had a bf and still has the same bf.. So she's texting him night and day (all through the night!!) GOD knows about what... In my opinion, she realised he was living alone with no gf, no wife.....house paid for and she's grooming him. Her family are of a type. They sell dodgy tobacco down the pub and similar things etc. We've all probably done dodgy stuff so I don't want to come across as some sort of prude but... I'm trying to give a flavour of the type of fam. Massive rotwieller, bf drives old bangers that are modified, street racing, he's 20 also.. weed, other drugs probably..

bf of the girl has had thousands from his family to buy stupid cars and owes thousands to them. Has gambling debt. The girl owns about a million exotic birds that she started buying when she became very pally with my friend. I think he has paid for them all. They're all upstairs in a bedroom in her house, where she lives with mother and bf.

She's had various stuff out of my mate that I know about: phones, clothes, insurances, headstone for her dads grave (!!), dinners where her whole fam turn up and the bf whole fam turn up, her mother drinks 7 pints and shots cos my mate's paying for it......thousands.. And that's what I know about.

I have TRIED bollocking him. He says he has no romantic interest in her but it seems if she said jump, he would jump. She has helped him with some hospital stuff but she runs round with his credit card while she does so...

Back to the £350,000 flat from his aunt.. He WAS gonna give his sister (who lives in USA) half but this bloody girl told him not to cos the sister doesn't 'help look after him'.....so he's not giving sister 50%. I've tried to stay neutral. I don't have any friendship with his sister. If I tried to, he would disown me. He said he's prepared to lose his relationship with sis if she doesn't like the fact that she's not getting 50% of the flat. He also said he won't leave his £500,000 house to her if she tries to pressure him. ffs...

I am NOT after any of his money. Nothing. I could have pressured him to help me out loads of times and I never have. I wouldn't.

Anyway, fast forward to last week. First thing monday morning, just after some other work stuff had hit the fan, he sends me a message on fb to say he had bought her £35k MERCEDES WITH A PRIVATE NUMBER PLATE for her 21st because it's her 'dream car'. I felt physically sick when I read it and as I say, had a horrible work situation to sort out...so just sent him a bit of a bollocking (a sentence) but with a joke about something else on the end....while I decided how I feel about it.
Well, I still feel sick. I know it's his life... but he's going to get fleeced for every penny.

This girl has also sulked when she wasn't 'next of kin' at the hospital, so now she's next of kin too. 2 years she's known him...

My worst fear is that she gets him to change his will, checks he's done it, and then something happens to him. He needs to dialyse every other day or something... I could foresee a million ways that the girl, her bf, his mates could make something happen to my friend.

The girls bf lent money from him last year and when he asked for it back, gave him a load of abuse... The bf also phoned him a couple of weeks ago and asked 'when do you get the money from the sale of the flat?'.

When I tell him to be careful, he tells me he trusts the girl but not the bf. And that the bf never spends money on her and she's always moaning to my mate about that... It's BS.. to garner sympathy..

He's also paying half towards her 21st party, half towards a birthday trip to Amsterdam, etc etc. This is just what I know about.

What do I do, if anything??! I wish there was some law I could....threaten her with (even if he gets wind of it), because I'd like to give her a piece of my mind!! At 20, I wouldn't have said boo to a goose!! So far I've sent him 2 outbursts over fb.. One was less upfront than the other.. but the upfront one was very upfront... I'm not accusing HIM of anything.. but I'm saying essentially that he's been groomed and is being groomed...and that...I'm struggling to think of a way forward if the future is gonna just be him, handing over massive amounts of money and gifts to someone he hardly knows... because 'she's a laugh'...

What the hell do I do??!!? I feel a certain level of responsibility... I wish to god I had a relationship with his sister where I could alert her. I think if I alerted her from cold, he would just dump me and that would mean he's even MORE exposed without me watching things. At least I have a written record of all the main elements of the past 2 years.. (threats from the bf, the grooming etc)...

Helpppp!!!!! I am SO upset about it all.. I'd hate to lose him as a friend...but I also can't watch him get ripped off for what could amount to £800,000 by a 20 year old... 💔💔

Thanks for any thoughts or comments, Mumsnetters.. x

I'm an social worker who deals with safeguarding- unfortunately like others say he is allowed to make unwise decisions, there is nothing safeguarding can do if he is choosing to spend his money on her.

Its horrible when you can see exactly what is happening- there are some horrible people in the world.

He's not being groomed though, he's an adult male with capacity, who has chosen to spend his money on a much younger woman. He's not the first middle-aged man to become entranced with a younger woman, and he is able to keep her interest in him by offering material goods and holidays. You say he's not a sexual person, do you know this for a fact? Or has he told you this to explain why he's mesmerised by her and not attracted to you?

Having a lifetime of poor health, 3 failed kidney transplants and dialysis for the foreseeable future, I can understand why he's doing this, as spending money on her obviously brings him pleasure.

She and her family may well be all that you say, and are a bunch of seedy low-life chancers just after his cash - but seriously, you need to step back, it's not your business, and you will lose his friendship if you keep sending him outbursts over facebook. It's his life,and his money, and he can do what he wants with it.

He is a vulnerable person due to his physical disability, although he doesn't have any difficulties regarding his mental health or a learning disability from what you have said it sounds like he is being groomed or coerced. In my experience of safeguarding (former SW), it does not simply boil down to him being able to make unwise decisions as there could be an element of coercive control. It is possible that your friend is experiencing domestic abuse. Please do get advice from the police (they may know the woman and her boyfriend so this information could also be helpful to them, they could be targeting other vulnerable people) and make a safeguarding alert to your local adult social care team. Try to talk to him about it again and explain your concerns, but it may help him to consider this situation if he has the opportunity to discuss with a profession. I'm really sorry to hear this is happening, you are a very good friend to be concerned.

Has it occurred to you that it's his money, and that the way he's spending it gives him pleasure?

Whether it gives you pleasure or you agree with it is besides the point. He's an adult with capacity, he knows what he's doing, if it all goes tits up, well, he's allowed to hurt himself if he wants to. Frankly, your approach to him is also fairly boundary-crossing; you're infantilising him and, by your own description, being really passive-aggressive. Having physical health problems doesn't make him a child; by your own description he's been successfully mixing with the world for decades, and doesn't have a sexual or romantic life because he doesn't have that drive.

He's not the first man to knowingly and willingly blow his money for the pleasure of having a young woman around, and he won't be the last. If you can't accept that he gets to spend his money this way, unwisely as it may seem to you, it's time to distance yourself from him.

He’s a vulnerable person because he is disabled. I’d contact a social worker and see if there is anything they can do

Agree. He has a life limiting condition and, presumably some support around that. Social worker attached to the transplant unit?

wish to god I had a relationship with his sister where I could alert her. I think if I alerted her from cold, he would just dump me and that would mean he's even MORE exposed without me watching things

But he isn’t less exposed with you being there for him because he’s spending on her regardless of what you say.
Tell the sister, she could at least get legal help. if she was going to gain from the inheritance he’s had but now isn’t then it might be possible for her to do something.

What’s his number ?
...asking for a friend

But in all seriousness ya I think she’s a user clearly. Do you think maybe he feels like his probably going to die soon so he just wants to make the most of the rest of his life ?

I feel like he has no kids so nobody to save up for if you get me and with so many health problems he could kick the bucket tomorrow so probably just feels like you live once so why not just go wild ??

I think it’s crazy though and he clearly isn’t very sensible.

Would he buy you a 35k car?
Ask him and see what he says. His reply will tell you a lot.

He is paying for her attention, company and maybe sex

You say he isn't into sex, well IMO you can get that sort of thing really wrong... he us definitely into attention and “love”, as are most people.

Maybe he is tired of being seen that way, and is now happy as a sugar daddy

Stop the passive aggressive FB stuff. It does not help him or you.

Give him more attention (in real life, not social media) , right now that girl is filling his need for attention (love), companionship and appreciation all by herself....

Sadly there are people who prey on others for financial reasons.

DH’s boss knows my DH is coming into some money and has suddenly decided to ask him to “invest” many thousands of pounds into his business....aka his pocket. He has form for cheating people out of money.

Google mate crime OP. What you describe fits the definition exactly. People experiencing mate crime usually go on the be assaulted and abused to keep them in the abusers power as things escalate. You might find something written on it that would resonate with your friend before it gets to this level, or the details of someone you can contact for advice.

The way that he was threatened when asking for his money back is a big alarm bell. Is there someone else.who he talks with for advice (a nurse or HCA, or some people with long term conditions are close to their GP?).

He's never done these things for you or other friends, so there is some motivation other than platonic friendship for him to be throwing money and gifts at this young woman. I don't think his intentions are wholly innocent in other words, but he's a grown man with loads of disposable cash so he can please himself.

Hes being taken for a ride but he is a grown man. He obviously wants to sleep with her and buy her things to make her like him. Nothing tou can do apart from tell him, she doesn't fancy you and will never leave her boyfriend for you. You are wasting your money on a relationship going nowhere. Perhaps help him with online dating to steer him away from her?

I have a friend who had a very abusive partner who moved into her bedsit an hd made her basically find his drink habit, despite her living on benefits. I tried to get her to test the relationship for genuineness by withholding financial gifts for a few weeks and seeing if they get aggressive/ demanding . Try and get him to test the friendship. However I do agree with others that maybe he enjoys the attention and splashing the cash

Howcome he doesn't shower you OP, his first friend with gifts?
Most odd !!

Contact his sister, that's what I would do

Agree on contacting his sister so she can check on him.

He may not be interested in sex but it looks like a knight in shining armor as she complains about her unattentive broke bf and your friend can save the day.

Well he doesn't seem that nice himself, to be disinheriting his sister for this woman he's known for a couple of years. And he was her driving instructor. His professionalism should have kicked in to hold a pupil/former pupil at arm's length.

Buying a mercedes to piss off a bf doesn't sound nice either.

It's his sister and her family I feel sorry for. He's buying whatever sort of friendship he wants with money inherited to make his life easier. I'm fairly sure being a sugar daddy wasn't what his aunt had in mind.

OP, I think his disability is blinding you to his own character faults. By ignoring the doubts of an old friend (OP) to continue to lavish money on this woman, he is putting you very much second, and wiht the mercedes actually seems to be rubbing your nose in it. Seems like more than friendship going on there.

Sorry OP, I think you should back off. You seem very invested in what he's doing.
There's also a lot of people coming dangerously close to making assumptions that disabled people need help to organise their own lives just because you disagree with his choices.

He's got mental capacity, it doesn't sound like he's making himself financially vulnerable. It is a lot of money to spend but if he has it to spare then it's his choice.

He's also not obliged to leave any money (including from his aunt's house) to his sister or her children, however much you (or I) think he should.

You're taking the worst possible view of the other friend's behaviour, suggesting that she only spent time with him in order to 'make him miss her' when she wasn't there. Maybe he mentioned he gets bored during dialysis and she was free at that time and fancied the company?

Or maybe she's a using, conniving bitch. It certainly sounds like she's enjoying having money spent on her, and maybe she wouldn't be spending so much time with him if he wasn't treating her. But honestly, it's none of your business.

If it gets to a stage where he is spending more than he can afford or he seems miserable then talk to him about that, until then keep the friendship open so he can come to you if he's worried but let him live his own life.

Your 50+ year old friend is lavishing gifts on a disadvantaged 18 year old to whom he was in a position of trust and she is the one grooming him? Ok!

You seem to know a lot about the pair of them and their finances and sex lives, maybe you should back off.

"It's thoroughly creepy for a 50 year old man to strike up a friendship with his 18 year old female student..."

"Your 50+ year old friend is lavishing gifts on a disadvantaged 18 year old to whom he was in a position of trust..."

I don't think you two have actually read what OP has written. I think this poor guy is being taken advantage of. Even if he's not actually up for a sexual relationship, there seems to be a romantic element to his attraction to. Imagine no woman has ever shown him any interest and then this young pretty girl comes on so strong? She could wind up taking everything he has and leaving him impoverished. OP you need to be blunt with him. It probably won't do much good though. Perhaps there are legal avenues you could explore to, as others here have suggested.

I think there are a lot of MNers with disabilities and chronic health issues who would be delighted to weigh in on the topic of whether this has rendered them incapable of knowing what they're doing with their money, and whether they need a social worker to keep an eye on them in that regard.

The money's his money. Legally and inarguably. His sister has no claim on it. It would have been nice if he'd left her some but he can change his mind if he wants to. He seems to be perfectly clear on how much he's spending and what he's spending it on, and he's also been completely clear that he considers this girl a friend, is happy to spend on her and doesn't want to stop. Whether it's what any of us would want a loved one to do, what right does the state have to tell him he can't spend his money this way?

Yes, Clara and sleeping dragon, I'll do those things and see what I can see.

Yes, sure, there's always the possibility that he has nefarious intentions but from my own experience with him over 30 years, he's never shown nefarious intentions towards anyone. But yes, definitely, I don't discount that possibility, given that anything IS possible.

I say that she's grooming him because his particular circumstances make him vulnerable. Clearly he is, otherwise there's no way he'd be behaving this way. It's completely out of character. I think there's a key point. It's as simple as the fact that the girl has recognised he's a soft touch. His bf has also been quite nasty to my friend, when he asked for money back, so it's not just a single effort, from one girl, it's a group effort, including her family, some of his family, her extended family of half siblings, grandmother, mother etc. They're all taking him to their bosom, which on the face of it could be seen as quite sweet, given that he's alone. And I tried to see it as 'sweet' up until the point where he's buying a £35k car, WITH both the girl and the bf with him at the showroom when he did it..

I take all points that everyone has made. I've got a week at home alone myself so I'm gonna ponder on how to approach him, going forward. I'm not gonna strop off because I feel like he does need someone keeping an eye, or at least receiving a documented story from him, via fb messages, on what's being said, by whom etc. I had ALL of that, up until the point of the car... and then I kind of blew my cover..

It's a twofold problem: whether to alert anyone else....and also, how to approach him going forward... I could say something like: 'Oh, I was just shocked, carry on telling me about all the devious ways the pair of them are getting money out of you'.... or I could say 'Don't tell me anything about the pair of them again'... which is not what I want to say. I want to say 'Carry on telling me about their devious methods - but - don't give them a damn thing more please, other than what would generally be appropriate in a friendship'.

When this kicked off I did black and white warn him that he was putting himself potentially into a risky situation. The girl put all her exotic birds (5, 6, 7 of them!!) in a bedroom upstairs (because of the rotty downstairs) and she was asking him to see them. He's clearly paid for them all.. so I straightforwardly warned him of the position he was putting himself into. He did listen and didn't freak out, and said he understood what I was saying.

Ultimately, he is paying for company, of the whole family, but the girl is the one who does the 500 texts a day to him, constantly maintaining contact. She's actually from a similar background to my background, family and socio-economically. The family do things like...take him down the legion, where....prior to having this friendship with them all, he was alone. So it's very hard to completely criticise what's going on, friendship wise, and he now knows a ton of people down the legion.

He has been very generous with me over the years, in terms of his time and his support. Nothing financial other than what would be normally deemed appropriate.

MY husband is freaking out about it. He obviously thinks my friend is.....an idiot.

I'll see how the week goes and try and get back on track with him.

thanks Mumsnetters for all the advice!! :) :)

Just a further point, that I know sounds fairly dramatic..

It only takes a change in his will (currently, everything goes to his sister, he told me a while back), him telling the girl and her bf he's changed his will, and then something to 'happen' to him...

The bf is up to his arse in gambling debt and did get nasty with my friend when he asked for £450 back that he'd lent to the bf...

So ultimately, the situation could go very pear shaped.. That's really what my concern is - his safety.

thanks mn!! :)

I don't think "grooming" is the right term here, but he's seriously being taken advantage of. This girl and her scumbag boyfriend are scheming to take him for everything he has and leave him penniless. They are already well on their way. A 35k car? He really can't afford to be giving that away.

I doubt they will murder him for the rest of his money (the way he's giving it away, this won't be necessary). But when they bleed him dry and abandon him, he will be emotionally destroyed. Go get some legal advice on how you can protect him. Keep warning him. I feel badly for him. This won't end well.

Thanks Scott. Yes, I will do. cheers, and I fear that you're right, on all of those things.