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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice on how to be with in-laws now

71 replies

Chocomonster15 · 06/09/2019 08:55

I’ve had a difficult relationship with my controlling mother-in-law from the start. I’ve been reluctant to post this but really need some advice on how to be around her. She has said and done really unforgivable things to me over the last 10 years of marriage. I haven’t spoken to her for months now, husband visits her with our kids and 2x a week drops kids off to her and picks them up as she starts crying if she doesn’t see them, not joking she actually does! She then rings up relatives saying I’m keeping grandkids away from her. So to keep the peace I let him drop them off, it’s really difficult to see them gone as the youngest is 10 months.

Over the years we have fallouts then i get talked into by husband to forgive her and she’s old and blah blah but now I’ve decided it’s enough and for my sanity I will not have a relationship with her again.

Issue is I’m going back to work and I’ve been told by husband if his mother doesn’t get to look after our youngest then we’re getting divorced. I know we won’t get divorced but to keep peace I will let her look after him till he’s a bit older then slowly put him in nursery starting one day then 2etc till he’s no longer with her. My dilemma is that from previous experience I will start talking to her which is natural as I need to ask how the baby ate and slept whilst I was st work, then she’ll start being nice to me and getting me back under her control. I know my personality and I am a pushover, so u don’t know how to handle this situation. A part of me feels I should just drop him off without a word and when picking him up just ask bare minimum and that’s it. I just don’t know how to be around her, I cannot live the way I did when we were friendly - she would literally organise my weekends and have a strop and cry if I said no to anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chocomonster15 · 06/09/2019 08:57

Sorry lots of typos but should read I don’t not u don’t

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 06/09/2019 08:58

I’d get divorced.
No way would she be looking after my kids.

hereforasillygoosetime · 06/09/2019 09:00

Divorce

toomuchfaster · 06/09/2019 09:02

Call his bluff and start collecting paperwork for a divorce. It's about time he put you above his mother.

FetchezLaVache · 06/09/2019 09:03

Divorce, because apart from the fact that I wouldn't want her looking after my kids, I wouldn't want to be married to a mummy's boy who was so belittling of my feelings. Frankly, he should have been sticking up for you when all the unforgiveable things were happening.

MrsMozartMkII · 06/09/2019 09:03

Divorce.

Why the hell does she have the right to have your children at least twice a week now?

Original poster

Chocomonster15 · 06/09/2019 09:03

My question is how should I be around mother in law when dropping kids off and picking up. Divorce is something to think about at another time. Right now that would be the craziest thing I can do!! Omg!

OP posts:

WhatIsThis1 · 06/09/2019 09:04

The issue here is that you and DH are not on the same page. Does he often blackmail you?

Why are you the one trying to keep peace? It appears what you want, comes last.
These are your children, noone is ever going to advocate for them as strongly as you. So why allow someone you dislike who has proven herself spiteful, manipulative and nasty care and influence them?

paradisedreamer · 06/09/2019 09:06

Your partner needs to find his balls and get on the same page as you!

Gustavo1 · 06/09/2019 09:09

Can you afford nursery? Are you genuinely happy to have her look after the baby? If so, you’ll just have to speak to her like you would anyone else taking care of your child. You can be civil and friendly without having to be friends.
The bigger issue though, is the dynamic that having her babysit will create. In my opinion and experience, it’s not going to end well. You are giving a controlling person control. Your husband doesn’t get to threaten babysitting or divorce. It’s not that clear cut. Talk about it properly. Consider a day a week with grandma and the rest at nursery. Think about what this will mean for you relationship going forward. If he bullies you into this and it creates more tension. It won’t end well anyway and he may get that divorce he is so casually threatening!

Bloomburger · 06/09/2019 09:10

Really, you'd let your children be in this woman's company without you?

You need to speak to your husband, get him to grow a pair of balls and tell her that she sees the children on your terms when she can behave like a decent human being. If he is putting divorce out as a threat to get you to toe the line I'd give him a list of local solicitors too because basically your relationship is broken already.

No advice how to go about speaking to her when you drop the children off because under no circumstances would I be doing that.

Disfordarkchocolate · 06/09/2019 09:12

Please stop being so passive.

I know it's hard (I once had an evil MIL), sort out childcare that suits your needs, not hers. She will take all you offer and more, even if it costs her son a divorce.

IsAStormApproaching · 06/09/2019 09:13

I would 100% divorce in this situation.
But if you are asking for advice on how to proceed with your current plan.
What about a communication book?
Some separated parents do this. In it she would right down lunch, nap length etc.
It means no need for verbal communication of any kind.
But again it would be me being forced to send my child somewhere I didn't feel 100% comfortable with

AmIThough · 06/09/2019 09:14

Don't make your own life harder than it needs to be.

Either DH takes the baby to and from MILs (presumably she looks after baby well?) or baby goes to nursery.

I'd also divorce him for blackmailing you but that's your call.

Troels · 06/09/2019 09:16

He's blackmailing you with the threat of divorce so his mother can continue her unreasonable behaviour!
Don't roll over and play dead, woman up and tell him no. You don't have to put up with this and don't need to expose your kids to this by having her as the babysitter.
Tell him to go ahead and move off to live with his Mum out if he's filing for divorce and see what he says then.

LODfan · 06/09/2019 09:17

I would be concerned about letting her spend time with your children without you present. With the tears etc. she is already starting to condition your children that they need to dance to her tune. Do you want them to grow up putting her needs above anyone else's?

It sounds like your DH is scared to stand up to her & it won't be long before your kids are the same.

You don't have a MIL problem - you have a DH problem. Unless you are on the same page & he supports you, this problem will never improve and is likely to get worse.

I know divorce sounds like a drastic move but your DH needs to decide between his marriage and his mother.

morrisseysquif · 06/09/2019 09:17

There is no way she'd even have the ten month old for a visit, wtf the baby gets dropped off and picked up twice a week?

HugoSpritz · 06/09/2019 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Chocomonster15 · 06/09/2019 09:19

My plan is to let her look after baby then Start putting him in nursery slowly so by the time he’s 2 he will be in nursery full time so I will not need to see her again. Husband is not bad but his mother and sisters bully him and whenever he tries to stick up for me his brother in law says he’s under my thumb.

I know this sounds morbid but mother in law is old and poorly so will hopefully will pass away soon. Before we were married we were so happy and I know once his mother is out of the picture we can be happy again. I just need to bide my time and find a way to be sane whilst dealing with her.

Thanks for replies guys, I won’t be able to check messages till later on tonight so will read the rest then. Thanks

OP posts:

gamerchick · 06/09/2019 09:20

The problem here is your husband OP. Until you see that then. Nobody can really help you.

He's spineless and much prefers you to find coping techniques and be miserable than have your back. I'd be calling his bluff and tell him he can have his divorce if that's what he wants or he can start treating you properly. I couldn't respect a man who doesn't have my back.

LongtimeLurker29 · 06/09/2019 09:21

If MIL is old and is likely to pass away soon, do you really want to leave her to look after a young toddler?
I would be using that as my reason to put my child in nursery

NearlySchoolTimeAgain · 06/09/2019 09:21

How can an old and poorly lady look after a baby?

NearlySchoolTimeAgain · 06/09/2019 09:22

X-post!

gamerchick · 06/09/2019 09:22

And why the fuck would you have someone so old and poorly, who could pass away soon looking after your kid regularly anyway?

TamarindCove · 06/09/2019 09:22

So you are going to be blackmailed by the person who should be supporting you?

Not a chance she would be looking after my children but that’s your call. I would tell your husband that if he wants his mother to look after them then he does the drop off and collecting, that you will not be forced into a relationship with her.

I don’t think you will though, I think you will do what your husband wants, get sucked back in and nothing will change.

You have a DH problem. He is not willing to support you, quite the contrary. He also is not man enough to tell his mother her behaviour is unacceptable and that she can cry all she likes, she doesn’t get to dictate your lives.

Nothing will change unless you make it.

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