Advice on how to be with in-laws now

[Chocomonster15]

I’ve had a difficult relationship with my controlling mother-in-law from the start. I’ve been reluctant to post this but really need some advice on how to be around her. She has said and done really unforgivable things to me over the last 10 years of marriage. I haven’t spoken to her for months now, husband visits her with our kids and 2x a week drops kids off to her and picks them up as she starts crying if she doesn’t see them, not joking she actually does! She then rings up relatives saying I’m keeping grandkids away from her. So to keep the peace I let him drop them off, it’s really difficult to see them gone as the youngest is 10 months.

Over the years we have fallouts then i get talked into by husband to forgive her and she’s old and blah blah but now I’ve decided it’s enough and for my sanity I will not have a relationship with her again.

Issue is I’m going back to work and I’ve been told by husband if his mother doesn’t get to look after our youngest then we’re getting divorced. I know we won’t get divorced but to keep peace I will let her look after him till he’s a bit older then slowly put him in nursery starting one day then 2etc till he’s no longer with her. My dilemma is that from previous experience I will start talking to her which is natural as I need to ask how the baby ate and slept whilst I was st work, then she’ll start being nice to me and getting me back under her control. I know my personality and I am a pushover, so u don’t know how to handle this situation. A part of me feels I should just drop him off without a word and when picking him up just ask bare minimum and that’s it. I just don’t know how to be around her, I cannot live the way I did when we were friendly - she would literally organise my weekends and have a strop and cry if I said no to anything.

You need to be an advocate for your child and that starts now. Having an elderly and ill person looking after them is not safe or the best you can provide for them.

You are been threatened with divorce by your husband because he can't stand up to his family on your behalf.

He's giving you the options of divorce (because he can't tell them no) or be bullied by his family again.

Neither of these options is fair to you or you child/children, your husband is basically willing to sacrifice your happiness so his brother in law won't tell him he's under the thumb.
Your husband is not showing any respects for his family - you and kids.

Whats more alarming is you said shes old and not in great health so why would you want to let her look after your 10month old who is probably active and hand full?

You need to stand up for yourself to your husband and his family and say no. These are your kids and you need to keep them safe and happy including away from toxic relationships. They shouldn't be used to manipulate you nor should they witness that behaviour.

Sorry I missed the personal insult.

There's some good advice here too though OP!

I said you were being pathetic, not that you are pathetic. Not name calling, but addressing the behaviour. I certainly didn’t swear.
I just don’t understand how you can feel that this situation - which is just horrible - is ok...and all you want is advice on how to talk to your mil.
That’s the least of your worries, but you don’t seem to see that.
I apologise if I upset you.

For the love of God please do not let her be your childcare. Trust me, if you think things were bad up to now, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Your DH is bluffing about divorce. Do not let him bully you. Do not let her bully you. There is no way this will work

So you're going to allow her to treat your children how she treats you and DH?

Im sorry but you need to relaise you are enabling her behaviour as much as your DH.

You're chosing to allow it.

chocomonster

"My plan is to let her look after baby then Start putting him in nursery slowly so by the time he’s 2 he will be in nursery full time so I will not need to see her again. Husband is not bad but his mother and sisters bully him and whenever he tries to stick up for me his brother in law says he’s under my thumb".

This is a decision you will come to rue. You are already not seeing his mother at all and have already not spoken to her for months so why put your kids in her firing line?. You need to do the same re your children because your H cannot and equally will not. Its not your fault she is like this and your H is so weak because of a lifetime of conditioning by his abusive parent.

Please do not let her look after your most precious of resources here; your children. She is not a good or kind person to be around. If she is too difficult/toxic/batshit for you to deal with, its the same deal for your children as well.

Your MIL wants to use your children as a stick to further beat you and her frightened son with. Look at how he has turned out; she will do similar harm to your children so long as she is around them. He is absolutely mired in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re his mother and is extremely afraid of her. That is why he threatened divorce; he is that afraid that he is prepared to lose you as opposed to her.

People from dysfunctional families like your H's family of origin end up playing roles. He is their scapegoat for all their inherent ills and as a result he and all of you as his family are ill treated too.

The "normal" rules of familial relations really do go out the window when it comes to such inherently dysfunctional families so these do not ever apply. Keeping the peace with someone as disordered of thinking as his mother is simply does not work as you have now clearly seen. She just sees you further as weak and feeble so she continues to rule the roost here. Such people also do not apologise nor do they accept any responsibility for their actions.

I have a very controlling MIL. Unfortunately your plan is not going to work because your MIL is pulling all the strings, not you, so the only plan that will work is the one that she has in her head. The only way, in my experience, to deal with these people is to put adequate boundaries in place. She will try to control your child the way she did your DH and your child will actually have a negative opinion of you. I think you need to understand that. In your shoes, I would book childcare saying to your DH that she is just too unwell/elderly and that you wouldn't consider putting that much pressure on her. That DH and others just expect too much from her and that you don't want to put her in that position after everything she has done for everyone. If DH then divorces you then so be it but as you say, he won't anyway. You have to put your foot down with bullies. Coming up with imaginary plans and trying to dance around them unfortunately never works. I would just make out it is in her best interests. If your DH wants to bring the children for a hour or two in the evening/weekend then that's fine. That is how I would bide my time until she dies. Sometimes sick people are just sick for attention and they literally live forever so you might have to deal with this for a longtime.

Divorce him.

You will eventually anyway, anyone who blackmails you into things by threatening divorce isn’t worth being married to.

Marriage is a team effort, he’s not on your team because mummy calls the shots.

Also the frail ill ones last years, I’ve seen people last 10+ years in the most vulnerable conditions.

Even when your MIL passes away, your DH will still be bullied and controlled by his family, because that’s how they’ve trained him. OP, please don’t let him blackmail you with this. He’s drawn a line - now you draw yours. He should have your back, he’s your husband.

If your dh won't really divorce, then I'd put my foot down and out dc with a registered childminder. What will she be teaching your dc about behaviour if she can't even be civil to you.

I'm sorry but you and your dc need to take priority with your dh.

But if you're insistent that your MIL will look after your dc and your husband is insisting, then HE can do all the drop offs and pick ups, he also has to come back with all the relevant info like sleep, food etc.

Your DH has his priorities all wrong. Does he really think upsetting his wife, the person he shares his daily life with, will have a better outcome than upsetting his DM? If so then there's your answer, you basically have to make more fuss and make his life more miserable if he goes against you than MIL does. Not a nice game to have to play but that's not your doing, its MIL's for being so nasty and DH's for not being a good enough husband to know where his loyalty should lie. Time to get angry OP and make sure you show it!

There’s a difference between dropping them off for a couple of hours and being responsible for a days childcare.
Why is your dh not taking your views on board? He should be backing you up.

It's insanity for you to agree to let someone you despise and don't trust look after your children. Of course you'll have to talk to her - how else can you possibly look after your children if you aren't communicating with their caregiver? You will be sucked straight back in to her manipulation. And your children will be in the care of someone who sounds totally irrational, as well as controlling and manipulative. How can you think that is good for them?

You have to stand your ground here and tell your unsupportive fucker husband that she will not be looking after the children. You've already said you won't actually get divorced (though he's clearly a horrible, manipulative man to have even threatened that) so what have you got to lose?

You owe it to your children to stand up for them here. Their welfare is more important than a quiet life (which you won't get anyone once your MIL has you back in her grasp).

It's also pretty obvious that someone old and poorly is in no position to be looking after a baby.

I agree with the PPs. We know what you're asking, and why, but it isn't a question that should be asked because the situation shouldn't even be happening in the first place. You should be asking advice on how to get your husband to understand and respect that his loyalty is solely to you and his DC - not his mother, no one else. How to deal with DH. That should have been your question. There is no advice to give you on how to be with the in-laws, because MIL should not be doing the childminding. At all. End of story. I would put your DC in full time nursery. Put the cards in your DH's court. Your DC is more important that appeasing his inability to be a decent husband to you.

Besides, if MIL is 'so old and unwell' as is said, would you really want her looking after a 10 month old infant? Maybe she could look after him when he is older, but 10 months?! Absolutely not! That there, is your card. Forget about 'slowly putting him in nursery'. Just.....don't have her look after DC in to start with.

Although....maybe she isn't as unwell as she seems? Some manipulative older people make out they are unwell, but use it to get what they want and turn out to live to their 90s. It's possible she isn't as unwell and vulnerable as she claims to be.

You need to be an advocate for your child and that starts now. Having an elderly and ill person looking after them is not safe or the best you can provide for them.

This is an entirely unsuitable and physically risky situation for your baby. This person wouldn’t pass any basic childminding criteria/risk assessment.

Worse that than this is that this person is emotionally toxic - they will emotionally injury your child - like they have done their own children. In addition the daily dropping off and picking up is exposing you to their emotional assaults. Your baby does not need to see, hear, feel, sense his DM distressed or anxious - he will absorb this, be confused and scared.

Keep your whole family away from this.

Your DH needs to see this for what it is. If he can’t then YOU need to step up and protect your children.

This vile, nasty person has too much power over your precious children, your family harmony and marriage.

Once she has your child she will do all sorts of acts to prove her power and to frustrate and bully you. Stuff like cutting your child’s hair without permission, feeding them stuff you don’t want, dressing them how they want - basically the opposite of anything you do

Jesus. Throwing your kid under the bus for a quiet life with your husband. This also sets a precedent where you'll do anything to avoid talk of divorce. NOW is the time to make your stand. Not down the line when the damage is done. THIS is important

Just wanted to add that my own mother is a lot like your MIL and my father let a lot of stuff slide for a quiet life. All those things add up and then it becomes the habit of a lifetime that she has to be pleased or it's a disaster.