New bf going away

[Sammiejo12]

Hi

Bit of history first...

Was with emotional abusive ex for 6 years, only went away twice to family weddings in that time. He went away with his mates and partners several times in those years always coming up with an excuse for me not being able to go... "money, time, commitments etc"

Anyway that ended but with everything else that happened over those years it has left me with a insecure feeling about being left out. I'm
Much better and I do feel like I have a control over it now but it still hurts.

I've now met a guy who's lovely been together 7months... however we don't do much together, no days out, we've been for dinner only a couple of times, he works hard and then gyms most evenings... all fine I have a busy life outside him, but when I suggested going away he makes the same excuses for me "no money" that my ex did and I said I have enough in the bank to go away if he wanted to.... so after the day from hell (panic attack & lost dog - who is still missing) he breaks the news he's going away with his mates next week for the 3rd time in as many Months... I need to stress that's not the issue, the issue is that we don't do anything, he won't plan anything, I am starting to feel like I did with my ex that I was always an after thought and he did what ever he wanted to do regardless.

He's not an arsehole but some comments about doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it, made him sound like one, and it could have been my ex talking.

I would just like to do stuff with him. I feel like he's embarrassed of me. Which I hope isn't the case, I don't feel it is but it's that insecurity speaking.....

What do I do???

Probably need to add that he says he's super busy at work and will have to see if he can get time off... then goes and books a holiday for the week after.

Says that he can do a couple of days but not a week... I don't want a week, a 3 day weekend would be lovely. But no. Still not possible.

It doesn’t sound as though you are on the same page. Is he really that nice?
There really are lovely men out there - ditch this one who doesn’t seem to want to do the same things that you do and find yourself a lovely guy who wants to take you away for a romantic break!

It’d be a no from me. My ex was like this, it did not get better.
Do not pay for him or for weekends away! You are buying his time and he will eventually take advantage of this.
Find a man who puts you first sometimes.

Hmm... I think your instincts are telling you quite clearly that this isn’t going to work out

He’s only 7m in and he’s preferring to spend a week with his mates over a cheeky little weekend with you? He’s showing you that you’re not a priority- it’s all about him

What work have you done to get over the abusive ex? Have you looked at the things he did and processed them/your feelings around them?

Have you done the Freedom programme or counselling?

I’m a survivor of abuse and in my view
You don’t learn or heal from the abuse without help. Until we do that for ourselves we’re always going to be potentially vulnerable (and indeed perhaps attractive) to manipulative and Abusive types

I’d let this guy go away, and then let him go.

You will get better, you will find better men and you deserve them all to be kind and put you higher up on the priority list than you’ve ever been

Remember that until you put yourself first on your own list of priorities at least some of the time, nobody else will.

Even our own kids need to know that sometimes Mum comes first so that they too can grow up to know that we need to love ourselves and protect ourselves whenever necessary

Well done for picking up on this! You’re doing well if you can spot where someone isn’t treating you as you should be treated!

Is it possible that he made these arrangements with his friends early on in you meeting and commited to them and this is the reason he hasn't got much spare money? But now he's in a relationship with you, this will wind down and you'll start to do more things together? I personally think 7 months in you should be doing more together. Not that he should ditch his friends but there should be a balance so he's not spending all his spare cash on weekends away and holidays with them, allowing him to do things with you. It seems a bit like he's not crossed that bridge and registered that he's in a relationship yet. How old are you both?

Get rid. He's making zero effort.

Definitely bin him off. There are people out there who will get excited about doing fun things together. Set yourself free to find them!

He’s just not that into you OP.
You deserve someone who feels differently about you

He doesn't sound that interested if he doesn't do things with you. I'm 8 months into a relationship and DP will see me any chance he can, even if it was an hour and a quick cuddle.

I'd bin this one off. This should be the best time.

He booked it day before yesterday... but didn't tell me because I was in a "mood"

Mood being suffering from anxiety and having a panic attack with fainting episode on Tuesday, anyone who has to deal with this knows it knocks you for six.

He doesn't sound that into the relationship. I do loads with my dd and my friends, but I also do a lot with my boyfriend of 11 months. If either of us couldn't be arsed making time or plans together it would fizzle out.

So why are you with him? I'd be interested to know what's keep you with him

I'd understand one trip but 3 in 3 months, but can't afford to go away with you?
No chance.

I'd call it a day OP.

If you don't do things together what do you do?

It’s a fairly new relationship so he should be spending most of his free time with you.
That’s the time when your initial attraction for each other’s highest and you get the fun addictive thrill of seeing each other.
My DP went a 3 month tour with the army when we were only 4 months in to our relationship and the both of us hated it and spent the full time we could video calling and texting.

I’d question whether it’s a strong enough base to build a lasting relationship on

Wow! He’s punishing you for being ill? Anxious? Fainting

My love, he’s one of them. He’s not going to make you happy, he’ll erode every shred of you. He’s showing you who he is and it’s not pretty

Bin him- today ideally

Apparently he's dishonest and can't handle confrontation. Lying about not having money so he wouldn't have to give you an honest no. Also dishonestly using your health issues as an excuse not to tell you he'd prefer to go on a trip without you. I don't think that's abuse, but its certainly a sign you aren't compatible.

You know the answer.
Get rid .
Sounds like you just eat and have sex .

3 trips with friends but no money to go away with you ...
7 months is not long but I think it is long enough to say no more.

You offered to pay too !

I hope your dog turns up .

Yeah I've messaged him and he range straight away, FaceTimed as he always does.

Says I shouldn't let things get to me, by that I think he means my emotions.... but if I don't feel loved then of course I will.

And all of this is because be booked that trip. That's the thing that's brought it to a head.

"I shouldn't let things get to my head"

I ended the convo because I've got to spend another day looking for this dog, but he just doesn't get it, said he hopes I have a good day.... 🤦🏻‍♀️

What did you message?

'You shouldn't let things get to you' means 'I don't care if what I'm doing upsets you, that's your cross to bear.'

I messaged just to say that I'm not happy with the situation because x y z, I explained that saying my anxiety and depression has been caused/ magnified by ex and I feel like it's happening again and that I don't deserve it.

I explained that I'd love to go away even just to make plans and the way he dismisses my feelings hurts.

Tried to keep it to the point and not go on and say I said you said. But just thinking about it makes my chest tight.

Get out now. I have gone through similar "I'll do what I want when I want". It will never end well for you because you are hoping he understands your emotions and "gets it" and changes his outlook. The sad reality is you'll end up even more anxious and upset and he'll blame you for it as in his eyes he'll have done nothing wrong. He won't feel bad. He'll sleep at night. He'll make you question your sanity... and you'll end up even worse always trying to prove your not the problem and then something will happen and the cycle starts again. It will always be your fault (your emotions!) in his eyes.