New bf going away

[Sammiejo12]

Hi

Bit of history first...

Was with emotional abusive ex for 6 years, only went away twice to family weddings in that time. He went away with his mates and partners several times in those years always coming up with an excuse for me not being able to go... "money, time, commitments etc"

Anyway that ended but with everything else that happened over those years it has left me with a insecure feeling about being left out. I'm
Much better and I do feel like I have a control over it now but it still hurts.

I've now met a guy who's lovely been together 7months... however we don't do much together, no days out, we've been for dinner only a couple of times, he works hard and then gyms most evenings... all fine I have a busy life outside him, but when I suggested going away he makes the same excuses for me "no money" that my ex did and I said I have enough in the bank to go away if he wanted to.... so after the day from hell (panic attack & lost dog - who is still missing) he breaks the news he's going away with his mates next week for the 3rd time in as many Months... I need to stress that's not the issue, the issue is that we don't do anything, he won't plan anything, I am starting to feel like I did with my ex that I was always an after thought and he did what ever he wanted to do regardless.

He's not an arsehole but some comments about doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it, made him sound like one, and it could have been my ex talking.

I would just like to do stuff with him. I feel like he's embarrassed of me. Which I hope isn't the case, I don't feel it is but it's that insecurity speaking.....

What do I do???

Sammie it is not you it is him .
Work on yourself.
Men like him can easily identify lovely hurt people like you .

And that was what my ex did... and it ruined me at the time. So yeah I think I'm done .

Removal of him from your life will reduce your stress.

So there was no ‘I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you’? Just ’don’t let things get to you’?

This is the beginning of a pattern OP. I’ll do what I want, when I want and if you are upset it’s your problem. It will become emotional torture for you. He will never own his actions, never care for you properly and will subtly make you feel like shit. Over time he’ll manage your expectations down until you are simply serving him.

Gosh no, it was " don't get upset" because it probably makes him feel a tad guilty knowing he's acted badly. I don't know even writing that makes me think that's wishful thinking.

If it was me, I would have been horrified, but then o wouldn't put someone in that situation, I would be taking that person away even if it's just for a day out. But then o can't expect people to behave and think the same as I do.

He sounds like an arsehole because he is one. Get rid and please google Freedom Programme.

Sammie , he just does not care .
*

You e not gone out together in 7 months?? Apart from dinner a couple of times?? What do you do? He sounds awful op and you need to raise your bar I think!!! He's setting you up for a relationship where your expectations, hopes and desires are going to be ignored and derided. You can do better. He's not 'nice'. He's a user.

LTB

I can’t get over the fact you’ve only been out to dinner a handful of times in 7 months. This should be the fun part of a relationship, the spontaneous bit, before you’re years in, saddled with household chores, and childcare, and bills. Gosh, my dh and I were out probably 4 nights a week at that stage in our relationship.

It doesn’t sound like you are a priority. Weekends away are one thing, but it’s the day to day stuff that sounds rubbish. I don’t see things changing and he doesn’t sound worth it. Find someone who can’t wait to finish work and do fun things with you.

Yeah you're all right.... 💔

7 months in, it should be all roses and gooey feelings. Not triggering your anxiety and 'making your chest tight'.

Please take control and end this.

Then get some counselling to help you work through the anxiety/insecurity left over from your EA ex.

Your new BF is not prioritising you, he is minimising your feelings, and he is already turning it around on you.

You deserve better. You really do.

I have a horrible feeling that if you stay with him, you will end up in another abusive relationship. Sorry.

He sounds awful. In 7 months you've been out a handful of times. Does he just come round for a shag?

I hope you get rid OP, you deserve so much more than this.

And also hope you find your dog, have you posted on local social media groups? Suggest also trying local dog walking areas and asking people there to keep an eye out.

I need to get it straight in my head for sure. I have so many things I want to and need to get straight.

I will just take some time to myself and I'm hoping I'm stronger now that I can walk away for good.

He clearly has the money to go away with you, he just doesn't want to spend his money on doing that. I'd bin him personally.

Hope you find your dog!

I'm confused, who said your anxiety is caused or magnified by your ex in your last conversation with BF?

He comes round 3/4 nights of the week after he's been to the gym, our sex life isn't great either which is another thing that bothers me and this trip he's booked next week and the way he told or didn't tell me has been the final straw.

I try and talk to him about it all but he just dismisses it and says I'm sex mad...

I had a cervical scare a couple weeks ago and ever since then I've been worried about Dtd again. Not that I've felt like I can share that with him.

I will just take some time to myself and I'm hoping I'm stronger now that I can walk away for good

Realising this and seeing it makes you stronger than you think you are.

Really hope you can find your dog too!

It sounds like you're just keeping each other company. You deserve so much better.

Amlthough I think you've hit the nail on the head

You should ask him why he is with you.

Won't spend days together,
Won't go out together
Won't go away together
Won't spend money on your relationship
Turns up after gym
Doesn't want sex much, calls you a sex pest
Thinks it's more fun with his mates.
Is dishonest, evasive, and gaslights
Causes you more anxiety
Blames you for your anxiety, or at best your ex
Isn't concerned about you or your lost dog

Why is he with you?

The answer to that my lovely is because this waste of space of a man can't do better than you. He knows it. If you deduce anything from that it should be......"I am too good for him"

Omg op the relationship sounds worse every time you update. Get rid.
Sorry about your medical issue - hope everything's ok

I think 7 months into a relationship is enough time for you to have an understanding of each other, and to be fair I think you realise that you are way down on his list of worthwhile time activities.
Throwing money at the problem wont help, a walk in the park or a home cooked dinner doesn't cost much so he has no excuse.
I would leave him to his gym and friends and find someone who wants to have a relationship

So what happens? He comes round to watch your Netflix whilst you provide him with snacks and light conversation? You don't even get s decent shag out of it.

Now, I'm no expert on relationships, but ...

You had me at the bad sex, life is too short, bin him.