If you found out your dh had had an affair for 16 months would you ...

[Eggid]

Throw him out? Even if he’s all you’ve ever known and you’ve been together for nearly 40 years? Even if he’s spent the 10 months since you found out doing all in his power to put things right?

Some days I want to kill myself. Some days I want to kill him. Most days I just don’t know what to do.

Please tell me what you would do given that we’ve been together since we were teenagers. Dc are all grown up and gone, and they don’t know anything.

Thank you.

Graphista when I read your latest post I was exclaiming to myself how duplicitous some people can be - and then I caught myself on. I’ve firsthand experience now of just how low down people can be and still it shocks me.

I would definitely never be able to forgive that despite how much I loved him or how long we’d been together. I couldn’t bare the thought of touching him after another woman had been all over him.

You deserve so much better than that.

I can't give you any advice other than the great advice already posted.
A huge hug and hand hold ❤️

@Eggid. I’m sorry you are going through this. My circumstances are different but I feel exactly like you do. My DH started an EA with someone he’d know for years (and possibly would have dated if I hadn’t been pregnant and us very much together). 23 years in and our marriage was in a rough patch - long story short I felt resentful, was drinking and abusive. So I hold my hand up to that. Nothing physical happened until he left (I’ve seen proof) and again long story short, he is back and we are trying again.

It was good to begin with but now I feel utterly stuck - I can’t stop thinking about them, I don’t fully trust him, I am guarded. Doesn’t help he sees her at work on a regular basis.

But I didn’t like my life without him in it (about 8 months) and I don’t want to start dating at 53. I still fancy him so much and sex is great ( always was even during the bad phase) which I think draws me too him. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t with regards to staying together. I had an epiphany moment the other day that him and her are literally all I think about when I’m not concentrating on something specific, if that makes sense. It’s really very depressing and I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.

Sorry for hi jacking your thread. And that I can’t be more optimistic. Wishing you well

3 years on and stayed together and our relationship is zero. He has destroyed everything...cant even bare to look at my wedding photos. We are both miserable.
Havent a clue what will happen. Im 52 keep thinking Im young again to get on with life on my own. When I first found out I panicked did the pick me dance....now if it happened I'd kick him out in a flash. All I keep thinking is I cant see us growing old together and Im certainly not looking after him if he gets ill. Just waitung for DS to finish school in 2 years tgen may sell up to move nearer to a town for cillege job prospects and split that is my plan...I think

Do you believe that he had never cheated before this time? Someone who can cheat for that long and (almost) not be found out is likely to have had practice IMO.

Clinging to him (you mention you wanting him near you) just shows him that despite how you feel you won’t leave him over this and gives him the power.

Thank you Imtrying and Paddy.

Don’t apologise KOKO - thank you for sharing your experience. I think about him and her constantly too - I dream about it, I wake up thinking about it, I spend all day trying not to think about it and therefore AM thinking about it, and when I (eventually) fall asleep, it’s what I’m thinking about. It’s consuming and exhausting and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Overseas thank you too for sharing. I’m sorry things are so hard. Starting over in your 50’s seems like such a mountain to climb but so does the alternative - a miserable joyless life. I wish I had answers for all of us who’ve gone through similar.

Loopy I can’t answer that with any degree of certainty any more :(. Eleven months ago I would have staked my life on it that he had never, and would never, cheat. As for keeping him close, it’s more because I don’t trust him than actually wanting him nearby if that makes sense? Which is no way to live I know.

Let me tell you the things that they did do - arranged meetings /unable to wait to see each other /said goodbyes and couldn't wait to see each other after holidays /message each other when you were out for the afternoon with someone or just before he went to bed , talked about you , you may have walked past her in the street on your own or when he was with you , they developed feelings over 15 months, talked about all his children to her , this is not meant to hurt , this is to make you realise how much of a pig he has been to you . 40 years ? take the money and run!

I'd be too embarrassed to stay with a cheater.

I would hate to be pitied by people that knew.

I love him. I have from the day we met

He quite clearly doesn’t love you... or even respect you! LTB!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't think everyone (especially cheaters) understand just how much devastation an affair can cause to the betrayed spouse/s. My partner had an emotional affair (and sexting) for about four months. We decided to stay together and I spent the first 18 months thinking about it. It crushed me, I hated myself, I blamed myself, I felt so betrayed and humiliated. I was angry that I hadn't noticed anything earlier etc. I spent those 18 months feeling unworthy, jealous of every woman he looked at. Then out of no where, I stopped giving a shit. I began noticing all his flaws and the flaws of the woman he'd cheated with, where in the past I'd compared myself negatively to her ( I now see her for everything she is (or isn't!). I realised that I'd never be that crushed by anything again. We are still together and things are good, lots of things changed for the better but I know 100% if he did anything to hurt me again, I'd leave without doubt (he knows this too). I now know that I'd be ok and that I'd find love again. I suppose my advice would be give it time (if you want to) and don't rush to make a decision. Try and look after yourself, eat well, socialise etc and remember your worth. I must say though, I don't quite view him the same....I don't think I'll ever respect him the way I did before his affair.

@83PL you no longer like him, trust him, need him, admire him, or respect him... (and rightly so) - what's stopping you from making the final move that you obviously want to make?

I couldn’t stay with him. I could never trust someone who would lie to me for that long

I think you can make it work if he is genuine . But it will never be the same again. A bit like a tainted version of the life you thought you were living . And that’s what is sad . Even 5 or 10 years down the line it will come flooding back to you and upset you. Unfortunately life is not black and white and everyone is different. But he has in affect damaged your future life whatever you decide.

That may never change you could and probably will love him forever. But does that mean you still want a relationship with him? When you think of the secrecy, lies and deceit surely you are very angry and find his behaviour abhorrent. Is this the man you fell in love with or have his actions spoilt your relationship irrecoverably?

Don’t undervalue yourself due to age, if you wanted to move on you could and should you meet a new man all the better. Someone who can actually be faithful - it’s not hard. It’s a matter of respect and your man has shown how little he has for you.

How much self respect do you have? If the answer is at least some then perhaps it’s time to consider taking him up on his offer up move out. He has made a fool out of you sadly. Don’t be afraid to give him a bit of comeuppance it’s what he deserves after all. Even if you ended up taking him back, it might be this short sharp shock he needs to make him realise that you don’t need him and it is s privilege to be with you not a given.

Use this as an opportunity to get out there and develop as a person. See friends, make new ones, take up a new hobby or reinvest in an old one. Do something away from him - sounds like you could really benefit from some time away from this man and perhaps a few other focuses in life. Could help you clear your head and really consider whether or not you wish to continue with a prolific cheat even if he is your long term love. Perhaps judging by his behaviour you are no longer his? Don’t you deserve better than that?

Good luck! X

If all you have ever known is him, (a lying cheat) then imagine all those you don’t know. There are better people out there and a better life, so yes, I would throw him out.

I would say that maybe some time apart would be beneficial.

My mum was the one who cheated on her husband of 20 years, she strayed for a while and when he found out he ended things immediately.
After a year apart it was like they both were stronger people and severely missed each other, when they got back together the trust was magically back, things were great and bar the occasional argument they have been solid again for 5 years now.

My mums extremely open with me (perhaps too much) and I know she’s not even considered hurting him or seeing someone else since.

Sex is such a big issue in a relationship, when you’ve been together and comfortable so long usually the partner with the higher libido strays. If no feelings are involved between the cheat and their OW or OM then it’s often salvageable.

I couldn't forgive. Even if he was all I'd ever known/had, and even if I tried, I couldn't forgive.

I'm so sorry OP. I'm afraid I'd feel beyond betrayed and in my mind I'd be going back for the last 16 months matching up holidays, etc, every special moment and thinking and he was sneaking behind my back then. I don't think I could get over it. I will say though, if you choose to stay, you'll need to find it in yourself somehow to COMPLETELY forgive him, put it behind you and move on. It will be way to hard on you (and him, but I'm less concerned with his feelings tbh) to do otherwise.

On a separate note, I do believe you could move on without him. It will take a positive outlook and the attitude that you are free from that false relationship and DESERVE to really live your life for yourself. Ever wish to take up yoga? Learn a new language? Start up a little side business or hobby? Whatever you want. You deserve it.

No one is perfect.
We all make mistakes.

To love is to forgive

And what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

It's still early days.

See a councillor- help you figure out who you are and what you want.

He did not love ow because if he did he would have left.

She was a distraction.
Maybe from stress, depression.

No excuse but understanding why can help you walk in someone's shoes and this can lead to forgiveness.

Have you tackled the under lieing reasons this happened?
Is communication good between you ?

Iife throws a lot at you.

Debt , death , loss , disappointment , illness.

But as humans we have a lot of strength, resilience, kindness and love.

To leave is strong, to stay and work it out is stronger.
That is real growth. - and happiness.

I had a thread on here before, but can't seem to get my username back.
Yes , yes, yes....crazy how many different women have almost exactly the same things to say.
I am 9 months in from finding out my DH who worked away during the week , had an EA with someone he used to know who lives in a foreign country now. She ended it. ( although I discovered she had been stringing him along as she had a financee).
He decided when he came home to continue his secret life and was on dating apps. This was a real shocker to me , never thought he even knew how !
And all because I caught him on a second phone, texting.
Again , the LAST guy you would think and certainly not on this level.
Absolutely first reaction was throw him out. But , and this is the clincher, we are married 30 years next month. I felt I had to least try counselling so I could tell our almost adult DCs that I tried.
And God , he was so, so remorseful. Counselling
was good, helped a bit , if only because he was forced to reveal all the details I asked.
Nine months on , it occupies my thoughts all the time.And I despise him. Love has turned to not exactly hate, but pretty close.
I wish he would just fuck off . But tied because of financial and family commitments.I am nearly 58, SAHM for years, PT worker as well . So a bit screwed.
DH looks so hurt when I make a comment about it. I know he thinks we should " move forward". He would.
Biding my time until I can kick his ass out. I like feeling this anger towards him. The hurt , shock,,betrayed feelings were so devastating that I was on the brink of suicidal thoughts.
I found MN so useful , because I could not bring myself to talk about it to anyone in RL. Kind people on here were so supportive, understood and reassured me that it WOULD be OK eventually.So, so sorry you are going through this.

I would be really interested to now the stats on posters saying leave' he doesn't love you, he's done it before etc who then go on to have a husband cheat on them who stay.

Back off with the orders. This is someone's life not a fucking soap opera and she doesn't need 100 posters bossing her around.

Let her talk, respond in the same vein as she is thinking, feeling and back the fuck off from the unnecessary comments.

*to know the stats

OP I think you should tell your children. They would be able to support you, and your H doesn’t deserve to be spared the consequences of his actions