If you found out your dh had had an affair for 16 months would you ...

[Eggid]

Throw him out? Even if he’s all you’ve ever known and you’ve been together for nearly 40 years? Even if he’s spent the 10 months since you found out doing all in his power to put things right?

Some days I want to kill myself. Some days I want to kill him. Most days I just don’t know what to do.

Please tell me what you would do given that we’ve been together since we were teenagers. Dc are all grown up and gone, and they don’t know anything.

Thank you.

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t found out. I’d have been blissfully ignorant then.

I wouldn’t be able to forgive or forget, particularly because if you hadn’t found out it would probably still be ongoing.

OP - everything you do together now will be clouded by you wondering if he had done it with her, and did he enjoy it more with her than with you. Can you really live like this?

I couldn't forgive personally, I am fairly black and white.

The problem is with finding out, versus being told is that you don’t know that it would have ended or when the lies would have stopped.

And it’s a horrid thing to think, but I would presume he’s lying about his feelings towards her. And even if he’s not lying then I doubt very much that he said to her. No strings attached sex, you ok with that? And if he’s lied to her then he’s pretty fucking shitty too. That’s a horrible thing to do to either of you.

Have you had joint counselling?

I don’t know anything about your marriage, but I would presume you thought it was happy if you’re feeling like this.

If she had feelings towards him and he just went along with it, that’s pretty awful. It shows who he is.

There’s a wide gap between 2 people having no strings attached sex and a proper love affair.

@Eggid Sorry that he has done this to you, I was in somewhat of a similar spot after almost 20 years together, he was my first and only boyfriend and I thought the sun rose and set with him everyday, thought he was the best part of me. Like you I found texts, I was devastated.

I would suggest counselling for you on your own to start, really deal with things, I would also recommend speaking with a solicitor, there is no harm knowing where you would stand if you decide to divorce, get financial advice too. You do not have to act on any of these things but knowledge is power and all that.

I would also suggest you check out chump lady blog www.chumplady.com/ and maybe "Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal" by Sherri Keffer. She also has a blog drsherikeffer.com/blog/ you may find helpful.

It may be time to consider that although you have 40 years of shared life if you are willing to spend the next 40 with a man capable of hurting you like this. All the best whatever you decide

I dont know what I would do (well I know what i would do in MY relationship but its completely different from yurs so not relevant).

What I would certainly do that YOU can do too is to have counselling. ON your own and jointly with your H.
You need to work trhough your feelings (that are totally understandable but in the same way, you cant carry on living like this) and you need to establish TOGETHER whether to carry on and HOW to carry on.
Looking at other couples in that sort of situation (incl my own parents) I have never seen a marriage survive wo also a change in the relationship itself. The question is how can you make it different but just as good? (And is it even possible?)

Annon I don’t know. Some days I feel I never want to set eyes on him again. Other days I feel like my life would be completely empty without him.

Watching I thought we were so happy. We never argued, we spent all our free time together. We don’t have a wide social circle so most of the time it was just us. I am that woman you read about who swears blind that her husband wouldn’t and couldn’t ever lie to her :(.

He has of course sworn up, down and back again that she meant nothing to him. I’ve told him if he loves her to go to her, he denies having any feelings at all and claims he was carried away in the moment/midlife crisis/all the usual excuses. Which, as you say, makes him a terrible callous unfeeling bastard all round.

I think you might be my mum. Are you from Hampshire?

Info all sounds the same.

If you are, call me!

And if you're not, tell your children if you feel you want to. They love you and will want to support and look after you.

Sorry this has happened to you xxxxx

For me, staying wouldn't be an option. I just wouldn't be able to. It'd always be there, in the background, when we were doing things. That he'd done it all with her. That he'd lie to me. But I'm not saying that is a good thing, and it certainly doesn't make me a strong person. It just means I wouldn't have to make this call... and it is a hard one to make, you're choosing between trying to build the life that you thought you had with him, or acknowledging that it never really existed and walking away from it all, and that's challenging. It's a massive, unfair, life changing decision. It's okay to be stuck on that.

Do you think you could ever trust him again?

So sorry you are going through this - it must be absolutely bewildering.
I would get some counselling support if you can afford it. I have no other advice to offer as no one can know your situation as you yourself do. Best wishes. Stay safe and strong.

I think you need some actual real honesty from him.
and I think you’ll only get that from joint counselling where you can ask questions in a safe environment.
And counselling for yourself.

You could carry on, your relationship will be different, it will be a lot about if you’re happy with a different type of relationship with him, because sadly you wont ever be able to go back to the old ways.

Also many people survive affairs. They’re split into 2 camps.

Those who bury their heads in the sand and those who really fight to stay together. You don’t strike me as a person who can just bury their head in the sand. Or you wouldn’t be here.

OP I have such sympathy because I too am
In my mid 50s and have had similar, in my case I found out nearly 3 years ago about an emotional affair at minimum, he won’t admit to more, this happened 11 years before I found out. He was 40 and she was 21. When I found out totally by chance, we had been married 20 years. He too was very sorry indeed that what he did hurt me so much but not so sorry that he asked at the 3 month point ‘so how long do I have to wear a hair shirt for’ at a rare point I raised the subject. All I can say is that whilst I have remained , I am still undecided as although I do care and we do get on, don’t think I will ever feel quite the same and that’s not really fair on either of us. Sometimes sorry just isn’t enough , because the mind and attraction is a delicate thing. I would say though don’t rush, either stay or leave at your pace as at the moment you hold the aces, although I know it doesn’t feel like that at all.

Yes I'd throw him out. Easier said than done though.... I'm really sorry you've had this done to you. What an awful betrayal of trust. Hes had his cake and eaten that's what I personally would not be able to get over... the resentment of that. That hes had the safety and security of your loyalty and love... and also the thrill of a new romance... all at your expense. I'd not forgive that.... the years of your life you've given him. I'm so angry for you. And he banks on you knowing little else but him... and finding it too surreal for it to hit home... I bet he hopes you'll just blank it out because you dont know what else to do because you dont have the experience to know what to do because you've only really ever been with him... your identity will be so tied up in him because you've grown together through all those years... he banks on you not knowing how to be without him and that thought would make me furious... the thought that hes done it because he simply thought he could get away with it. I'd feel like I wasnt a real person to him... just an extension of him that serves a purpose to him and then he has other women to serve other purposes to him..
I'm projecting massively here because obviously I dont know all your personal circumstances... but I was ina very intense relationship from the age of 15 until 25 (living together in our own flat from 16) which ended with him cheating on me... it was absolutely brutal at the time but I look back now and I'm thankful it happened then rather than later on in my life.. it was hard enough to untangle my identity from his even in my twenties I cannot imagine what it wouldve been like if wed been together 40 years and had children...
I hope you find it within yourself to leave him tbh... you may be older than I was and you've been through more together... but you've got plenty of life left in which to find yourself and live and not be let down by a man using you.

So sorry for your pain. Remember he is the reason fot your pain, he did this to you. He didnt have to pursue sex with another woman. Honestly the truth is he didnt care or love you enough not to put his dick in someone else for 16 months. Ask yourself if you are worth more than this, then you will have your answer.

"He has of course sworn up, down and back again that she meant nothing to him." She meant enough for him to risk your marriage, YOUR sexual health (have you had a full screening done? Even if he did practice safER sex it's still important), hurting your DC...

I didn't forgive my ex and in your position I definitely wouldn't forgive.

I'm not much younger than you and being mid-fifties doesn't rule out another relationship, though there's a LOT to be said for being happily single too.

I think one thing you do need to accept is that you don't really know him, I'm sorry but you don't. If you did you'd have spotted SOMETHING I wasn't married nearly as long just 10 years and I noticed immediately the change in my ex (OW was a supposed mutual friend too so I noticed a change in her too). I stayed long enough to get ducks in a row and gather enough evidence he couldn't really deny it (he still did! It was ridiculous! Even when it turned out she was pregnant and baby was conceived 2 months before I blew everything up, she didn't know till couple weeks after I threw him out and he lost the plot. Wasn't what he had planned AT ALL)

There's a "thing" on mn called the cheaters script and it's amazing how many of us have been "read" this script!

Seems you missed much of it but at this stage it generally goes along the lines of:

Deny deny deny
Only admit what can be proven
Say "it meant nothing"
Gaslight cheated on spouse
Make cheated on spouse feel guilty for the affair happening/not "getting over it" in a time the cheater thinks reasonable.

He's lied to you repeatedly, deceived you about who he is and the nature of your marriage, treated you disrespectfully, risked your sexual health. He didn't even tell you and if you hadn't found out in all likelihood he wouldn't have and would have carried on the affair.

I don't understand how anyone can forgive that myself.

Gosh, some of you are so spot on, it’s frightening! It’s like you’re in my head. I’m so sorry not to namecheck but I’m feeling so emotional - about what you’ve all said, how you’ve said it, how accurate you are, oh so much. And I’ve not heard of the script but he obviously has as he’s following it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart :(.

wtar no, not Hampshire - sorry you’re mum is going through this too, you sound like a lovely daughter.

Be kind to yourself. You sound like a lovely person.
Definitely get a therapist. You haven’t spoken much about him. But you know him. Not us.

I had an affair for four years, we were both married, my husband and I have split up (but not because of that) my affair partner is still with his wife. What I'm trying to say is even after 4 years I know he didn't love me, he loved the excitement so although 16 months sounds horrific don't write off your marriage, it doesn't mean he was madly in love with her.

so sorry. But yes to counselling-find someone good though.

I'm mid 50s and divorcing my cheater. Our situations sound very similar Eggid. I think your feelings are the usual ones really. I have found the Chumplady book amazingly helpful in unpicking them and helping to find a way forward. It gave me a lot of clarity.

Watching thank you. I haven’t spoken much about him because I feel I don’t know him any more. I would have said - sworn in fact - that he was kind, loyal, funny, charming, hardworking, loving, decent. Turns out he’s not many of those things at all. I’ll concede the hardworking ...

graphista your ex had a baby with your mutual friend? I’m so sorry but glad for you that you’re in a better place.

Vg how do you know your affair partner didn’t love you?

Kriss you are so right in what you say. We were like one person. No one ever spoke about just Eggid. It’s always been Eggid and xxxx in the same breath since we were 14. I mean, I’ve had friends and work and dc, but I don’t remember a life without him in it. I don’t know where the seams are between us. And yet having said that, I still didn’t suspect anything. Hand on heart, there was no difference in behaviour. Even looking back I can’t see any changes. They always met on a weekday (not the same one every week) during working hours.

graphista your ex had a baby with your mutual friend? I’m so sorry but glad for you that you’re in a better place.

They've 5! They're married now - he's still cheating, she feels trapped both utterly miserable - shame!

@Eggid. Hope you don’t mind but I’ve messaged you.
I have just been to counselling with mine, I’m more confused than ever, but I would say it was worthwhile