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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I ignore this sign?

56 replies

MinusculeAtBest · 04/09/2019 05:39

While doing some cleaning and decluterring a few weeks ago in our home office, I recently found some condoms in a laptop bag my husband was using until late last year. There were three, hidden at the bottom of an inside pocket. They are not promotional stuff, just regular Durex. He had a vasectomy 5 years ago so really not useful for us in any way... I really was not looking for anything and just stumbled on them as I was getting ready to put this bag away.
We have been married for 16 years, 3 kids age between 15 and 9, known each other forever (we studied together). We have also lived all over the world, moving for his job, which made us really close (as we are far from family and friends). He was at some point travelling a lot for work and we have always had a lot of trust and freedom (e.g going on breaks with friends separately) Now he has a sedentary job, we commute together most of the time and I don’t see when or where he could cheat.
I have not said anything so far, as I don’t know what I expect from a discussion really. I don’t know if I want to know whether he had an affair or paid for sex. I know pretending I haven’t seen anything is not a solution. Why do you think am I so reluctant to bring this up? And so as not to drip feed, our sex life is good when it happens (which is not often enough, we both agree on that). And my husband is very fit and attractive (but I am not bad either!).

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 04/09/2019 05:43

This is a terrible sign. You're reluctant because this could rock your entire world. I'm so sorry.

AdoreTheBeach · 04/09/2019 06:38

Just to clarify, your DH had a vasectomy 5 years ago. How old is the laptop bag? Did you both ever use condoms?

If you did not use condoms together, this is sure sign of cheating.

If you did used to use condoms, particularly before vasectomy and right after (as you may recall, it’s sdvised to continue birth control until their sperm has been tested after vasectomy) then it’s a matter of the age of the laptop bag - was bought new a long while after vasectomy? If so, cheating happened.

Haven't bought conforms in a long time but don’t think they come in packs of 3

If you don’t talk to your DH about this, would you be able to live with this? Trust him?

Perhaps best approach is to sit him down, bring out laptop bag and confirms and ask him to explain himself.

FuriousVexation · 04/09/2019 06:43

Have you checked the date on the condom wrappers? Pretty sure Durex print it on there.

As an aside, Durex are the worst condom for splitting, so if you think he has been playing away then I'd suggest an STI check at your local GUM clinic.

keepingbees · 04/09/2019 06:54

I agree you need to check the date on them, they have long dates usually so if they're expired they could be very old. How old is the laptop bag and was it bought new? Odd place to keep condoms for use at home with your wife though, he didn't use it whilst away with you pre vasectomy? Sorry you're going through this, I hope there is a good explanation Thanks

AllyBamma · 04/09/2019 07:06

Before his vasectomy, did the two of you ever use condoms?
If not... I’m sorry but I can’t think of any other reason to have condoms other than he’s either cheated or he’s planning to.

If you did use them before the vasectomy, it’s possible they’re left over from then but 5 years is a long time. Check the expiry date.

Original poster
MinusculeAtBest · 04/09/2019 07:07

Yes, I know what this likely means. We have not used condoms in years - we have moved twice since the last time I believe. The condoms expire in 2020 so they are not super recent but definitely not the ones we bought 5+ years ago. I know what this means, I am just not sure if I have the strength to have that conversation.

OP posts:
AmIThough · 04/09/2019 07:08

Long shot but the 15 year old hasn't borrowed the bag have they?

palahvah · 04/09/2019 07:11

I know this is not a very MN response, but you don't have to have the conversation if you don't want to know. I realise you can't unsee what you've seen, but if you don't think there's anything going on now and you can let go the possibility of something in the past then that's up to you.

Original poster
MinusculeAtBest · 04/09/2019 07:16

Thanks everyone for your responses. It definitely was not the 15 yo. Palahvah, this is what I am thinking currently but I wonder if it is going to be sustainable. I am off to bed (in the US) but really appreciate the food for thought.

OP posts:
Smidge001 · 04/09/2019 08:24

According to Google, durex condoms usually have a use by date of 5yrs from manufacture and they don't sit on the shelf very long,so generally 5yrs from purchase. So they might be from before the vasectomy I guess? Just.

Countrylifeornot · 04/09/2019 08:32

Maybe he paid for sex at some point when working away, maybe he was going to have a one night stand and chickened out (Durex most definitely come in packs of 3 in UK, not sure about USA).
If you firmly trust him now and are happy together does it matter more than your life together? He doesn't know you know, turning a blind eye wouldn't be giving him a green light.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2019 08:51

I wonder if it is going to be sustainable
Nope. This will play on your mind and eat away at you until you tackle it.
Of course you can bury your head but it will all come round to haunt you eventually.
What you do is entirely up to you.
This is your life.
I'd need to know.
Cheating is my deal-breaker.
But it may not be yours and that's OK too.
Take a few days to think things through.
No knee-jerk reactions.
Good luck OP.

LadyGodiva83 · 04/09/2019 08:51

He's paid for sex with an escort.

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 04/09/2019 08:55

well, he didn't buy them to put on the Christmas Tree did he?

At least you know for sure he is a faithless twat, so you can bear that in mind next time he goes off with work.

Emmas1985 · 04/09/2019 09:04

Packs of three are the ones in pub toilets Confused have you ever had reason to suspect anything was going on? Or was he ever distant? Odd place to keep them isn’t it, he’s obviously forgot they were there

NewMe2019 · 04/09/2019 09:19

I wouldn't think it's an odd place to keep them. I'm guessing they are hidden there because he thinks his wife will never see them there. STBEXH and I split last year but still had to live together for a while. I had a suspicion at one point so searched his work bag, which I never would have even thought to go near. I found a second phone, fully charged and locked, plus some other bits. Perfect hiding place as going in his work bag would never enter my head. He also didn't have time to have an affair (which I actually don't think he did, but escorts....that may be a different matter).

I'd be highly suspicious OP and I wouldn't buy they are from before his vasectomy. I think he's protecting against STIs.

MMmomDD · 04/09/2019 09:20

OP - if you are happy and relationship is good, and everything is chugging alone - don’t go there.
Whatever may or may not have happened the past - it can stay there.
You don’t want to know, as you said. And it’s a protective reaction.
See if you can live with it and maybe you will be able to put it out of your mind.
Maybe smth happened. Maybe it didn’t. Maybe it almost. Maybe it was a fantasy.
It seems like you have a long history and a good marriage. Why throw this into turmoil.
You don’t seem the kind to divorce over this - let’s assume it’s some sort of minor infraction, which is long in the past.
So - if you were to open this up, then it’ll lead to pain and long recovery as you two are ‘fixing’. But you don’t seem to have issues in the relationship.
What’s the point then? Only unnecessary pain for all....

There are many women who wish they’d never found out.

DontForgetToDeadhead · 04/09/2019 09:25

The condoms in my bedside table, bought a few years ago, have an expiry date of 2022. So it's possible that the ones you've found are from 5 years ago.

3beforeme · 04/09/2019 11:41

Condoms in my bedside drawer (bought this month) expire 2023..

Bunglefromrainbow · 04/09/2019 14:13

God, this sucks OP. There's no mistaking the fact that this almost always points to him having sex elsewhere. But that doesn't have to be true, I can think of a few reasons why they might be there that I'll go over but you will only know by his reaction I guess.

Some men use condoms while masturbating, it reduces mess etc and just gives a slightly different feel. It's not uncommon and has a name (probably a few) a Posh wank! Yeah I know....

And probably less palatable could be that your 15 year old had put them there. Yes they may have been 14 at the time or whatever but again, that's far from uncommon.

All you can do is look him in the eyes and say what you know. I'd just say "You need to be very clear and 100% honest even if it's shameful, but I've found your condoms from last year, what's that all about?" Open question and let him speak. He'll either tie himself in knots or tell the truth and hopefully things will be clearer for you.

Sorry OP, I hope it's innocent but I don't imagine so.

PennyPittstop · 04/09/2019 14:23

Do you use condoms until he got the all clear after his vasectomy? If I remember rightly you are advised to use condoms until they have had a couple of sperm count tests come back as swimmer free, generally around 6 months post snip. If you did, there is a good chance that they are left from then.
Personally I'd need to ask him about them. However, if he has been playing away you almost certainly won't get a truthful response.

Cath2907 · 04/09/2019 14:35

My ex husband (and no he definitely didn't cheat) used to use condoms when wanking. It made less mess. Are you sure your husband doesn't do same?

RJoneszy · 04/09/2019 14:35

Sorry OP this is a really bad sign. If you don't need them why does he have them, especially in his laptop bag.

Obviously to protect against STI if he has had a vasectomy.

Please keep us updated Thanks

over50andfab · 04/09/2019 15:52

If your DH had a vasectomy 5 years ago, did you use condoms till he’d had the all clear that his swimmers had stopped swimming? I seem to remember my ex being told we’d have to DTD about 50 times for this to happen.

When I was divorced in 2015 I was given a box of 3 Durex (purchased from a regular store btw to the poster who suggested they could only be bought in pub toilets Hmm ). I still have 2 of them and they expire March 2020.

So the ones you found haven’t been bought recently and might be related to the time just after the vasectomy, and/or also for having a posh wank, for reasons mentioned by other posters already.

Unfortunately a lot of MNetters prefer to just assume to worst. I’d suggest having a chat with him. You never know - it might lead to a better (sexual) relationship, being that you still find each other attractive and acknowledge you’d like more 😉

crustycrab · 04/09/2019 15:59

Over50 I think the pub toilet comment was in response to those saying you can't buy packs of three. Not that pubs are the only place 3 packs can be bought.

OP I think you know what it means. He's got plenty of time to cheat, everyone has.

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