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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I ignore this sign?

56 replies

MinusculeAtBest · 04/09/2019 05:39

While doing some cleaning and decluterring a few weeks ago in our home office, I recently found some condoms in a laptop bag my husband was using until late last year. There were three, hidden at the bottom of an inside pocket. They are not promotional stuff, just regular Durex. He had a vasectomy 5 years ago so really not useful for us in any way... I really was not looking for anything and just stumbled on them as I was getting ready to put this bag away.
We have been married for 16 years, 3 kids age between 15 and 9, known each other forever (we studied together). We have also lived all over the world, moving for his job, which made us really close (as we are far from family and friends). He was at some point travelling a lot for work and we have always had a lot of trust and freedom (e.g going on breaks with friends separately) Now he has a sedentary job, we commute together most of the time and I don’t see when or where he could cheat.
I have not said anything so far, as I don’t know what I expect from a discussion really. I don’t know if I want to know whether he had an affair or paid for sex. I know pretending I haven’t seen anything is not a solution. Why do you think am I so reluctant to bring this up? And so as not to drip feed, our sex life is good when it happens (which is not often enough, we both agree on that). And my husband is very fit and attractive (but I am not bad either!).

OP posts:
Emmas1985 · 04/09/2019 21:00

Just for over 50 i’ll Elaborate on my 3 box comment, I meant they sell the boxes of 3 in toilets maybe he got them and never used them, stuffed them in his work bag and forgot about them. OP if you have never had reason to suspect and don’t want to rock the boat by saying anything then try to forget you’ve ever came across them. Also I meant it’s an unusual place to keep them if there’s no reason for them to be hidden

CatyaPurella · 04/09/2019 21:44

Perhaps he brought them after the vasectomy just in case you needed them (or was given them by GP) and put them there in case any of your children came across them?

Original poster
MinusculeAtBest · 05/09/2019 05:10

Thanks everyone for the opinions. I do believe this points to him having cheated or at least thought about it enough that he would have planned to carry condoms in his laptop bag. However I don’t want to rock the boat right now, I don’t have the energy and I don’t know what I would want out of a discussion anyway. I think I am going to try and put it out of my mind. However, it is inevitable that I will be on the lookout for signs or suspicious attitude... thanks everyone. This really helped me to clarify my thoughts.

OP posts:
Sadiesnakes · 05/09/2019 05:25

Unusual decision op. Each to their own I guess?

Can't imagine there would be many able to go along as usual with this kind of suspicion, the lack of trust alone will erode anything good about the relationship over time.

I doubt you will be able to ignore this, realistically, but that's just imo.

Mumsnet will still be here for when you need it.Thanks

Original poster
MinusculeAtBest · 05/09/2019 05:50

I know Sadiessnake! I spend a silly amount of time on Mumsnet, a lot on the relationships board and if you had asked me a few weeks back, I would have reacted really differently. A friend recently experienced this, for her it was her husband having a long term affair. I was enraged on her behalf, I told her she needed to be angry. In theory, I very much would consider cheating a dealbreaker. Whether it is paying for sex (which I find awful) or having an affair, it is sordid. But right now, I don’t seem to be able to react. Maybe I am going to blow up, in 2 days or 2 months.

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 05/09/2019 06:05

It’s easy for most posters on here to wave a dismissive hand and say do X, Y and Z. But when confronted with the reality it’s far less cut and dry.

Maybe there’s a rational explanation. They were purchased years ago. Maybe someone borrowed the bag. Maybe he’s visiting the equivalent red light district or having some sort of affair. Maybe. No one here knows.

You could look out for suspicious behaviour, see if does anything unusual. But if your forever suspecting and doubting than that lack of trust will be corrosive. And will eat at you. Perhaps when you feel ready you can talk to him.

True story. My now ex wife was convinced I was cheating on her. For the record I wasn’t. But she was always paranoid about it and often accused me. One day she went through my pockets and found a business card. On the reverse was a woman’s name and number written in biro.

There she had it. Her smoking gun. She called the number to let the home wrecker have it with both barrels. She didn’t answer. I get through the door after work and she’s there waiting. Card held aloft. Face brimming with triumph and fury.

So she rants for a solid five minutes as I’m casually examining the card. Once she runs out of steam I calmly point out that she was present for said woman’s number was given. It was just the sales woman. She then remembered.

Ah the joys of relationships. Hope it works out for you OP.

AliciaQuays · 05/09/2019 06:15

Of COURSE they’re his. Of course he’s played away.’ Someone could have borrowed the bag’🙄

What’s the most obvious reason? It’s that.

TeaForDad · 05/09/2019 06:22

I think the pp who suggested they're for wanking might be right if he's on work trips

AliciaQuays · 05/09/2019 06:27

BOLLOCKS. This is a Mumsnet myth.

ohnonotagain80 · 05/09/2019 06:38

Check the date of the condoms in the shops now
Then check the date on the ones you found
This will give you a rough idea of when they were purchased
Then think back to anything strange happening at that time of your relationship

Deathraystare · 05/09/2019 13:32

If you don't mention it now, you can't really bring it up years later because he will just deny it. Can you take a picture of them in the bag, does it show a date when you take th epic? Then keep it til you need it (or not).

PrettyPretty · 05/09/2019 13:47

Prostitutes nearly always provide their own condoms. I was told that by an escort who I chatted to when I found them in my H’s work bag

Guiltypleasures001 · 05/09/2019 14:00

Sorry op battery running out
Could he be using them for a
"Posh wank"

It's quite common Thanks

AliciaQuays · 05/09/2019 15:31

Posh. Wank.

It’s honestly rubbish.

Annabellemum · 05/09/2019 15:36

You need to ask about it straight away, if theres an innocent answer as to why they're there then you'll get that answer from him and he'll say in understand why it looked a bit dodgy, if not then you'll know

Secondsight · 06/09/2019 21:12

This happened to me. I found a condom in my husbands wallet and I had the mirena coil. I had no idea how long it had been there. I think it showed the intention to be unfaithful but whether anything happened I don't know. No opportunity when he was at home but he did go away on diving trips. I couldn't prove anything.

AliciaQuays · 07/09/2019 10:40

So what happened?

Sn0tnose · 07/09/2019 11:18

Now he has a sedentary job, we commute together most of the time and I don’t see when or where he could cheat.

Unfortunately, I know from personal experience that they will always find an opportunity to cheat. ‘Dental’ appointments, drinks after work with ‘colleagues’, nipping out for a takeaway and booking an afternoon off, spending it in a hotel and commuting home at the normal time were all things I discovered.

CIareIsland · 07/09/2019 12:37

If they were from the time of the vasectomy why would they be in his work lap top bag? How long has he had this bag?

You are in shock / confusion right now - so probably paralysed. That’s fine.

Totally ignoring it is not realistic - you can’t un-see - it is in your subconscious now and will erode your relationship maybe more than the truth - which could be innocent and simple. You both deserve this opportunity.

When you are ready. Ask him what they are there for - but pay v close attention to his immediate body micro movements when you ask - ignore the words for now.

Do you have the condoms or are they still in the bag.

Original poster
MinusculeAtBest · 07/09/2019 20:54

I have not yet had a chance to talk to him. This has been a very manic week, we have not had time just together. But it is becoming obvious that I won’t be able to just pretend I have never seen them. The atmosphere is tense right now as he is having some work issues and I am not very communicative. Will update once I have had a chance to confront him.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 07/09/2019 21:13

Where the fuck did this nonsense of a posh wank come from? By virtue of my gender, I get much more candid insight into the sexual habits and workings of the male mind and I have never heard of this apart from on MN. I can only imagine some wandering lethario fed it as a line to his SO and not only did she buy it but she then went and assured all her virtual friends it was a real thing. The only reason men buy condoms is to fuck and if they're not using them to fuck you they're using them to fuck somebody else (or hoping to).

notapizzaeater · 07/09/2019 21:21

I can't for the life of me think most men would have a 'posh wank' when most men whinge about having to wear them in the first instance .!

I couldn't un see it either

Soconfusedandlost · 07/09/2019 21:34

@TooTrueToBeGood

Champion answer. Blunt but more believable. I think if a fella tried to convince me the condoms were to have a less messy wank, I'd be raising the old eyebrow of disbelief

Ariela · 07/09/2019 21:45

We've some condoms from over 7 years ago expiry next year.

laceywallington1 · 14/09/2019 18:36

I know this sounds silly. But some men like to wank in a condom. I haven't had this situation my self. But i would just ask. Sometimes my husband says things and I'm like what why would you do that. Lol.

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