My nan chose to live her life alone when my grandad left her for a younger woman - what if that is me. Can a person be truly happy without (their soul mate) love?

[Leapoffaith00]

I didn't really understand as all I knew was visiting Nan and grandad separately. I never questioned why until I became an adult. She was beautiful and chose to stay alone. Not sure if she ever got over it. I never asked her but sometimes I would question if I could see sadness in her eyes or was it me that felt sadness for her, not sure.
I know love comes from family and friends also but what about that love you have with your 'soul mate'?
I have been single for a long time. I'm 42. My dc's are growing fast. I have a couple of friends I meet for coffee or lunch but very rare as everyone is always busy.
I thought I was ok alone, I guess part of me thought I would maybe meet someone.
Recently, my nan passed away and I have been thinking alot about her life. I do wonder how she felt. Is there true happiness in living alone?

I don’t know. I separated from stbxh early this year. Early 30s but I just don’t see where il meet someone now. I have two kids, don’t really go anywhere to meet anyone and online dating seems full of creeps. Sometimes I’m ok living on my own with the kids and other times not. My aunt never remarried and my mum is of the impression il be single forever. Ex has moved on already obviously. It’s a hard one!

I know a few people who live alone.

My mum - not happy and very lonely
One of my friends (male) - extremely happy alone and after one relationship knew that it wasn’t for him.
Two friends (female) - single parents and not happy. Struggle to meet anyone and both wan, but can’t seem to find a man to share their lives with.
A colleague (female) - Husband left her and she has never looked for love again. She is happy from what I can tell.

I suppose it all depends what you want from life, what hobbies you have, what goals you have and how big your friendship group is.

I’m not sure this dream of Soul mates truly exists and being more fluid on this may help.

Except, he wasnt her soul mate. It takes 2 to create that. She felt loved him still bit he didnt love her enough to stay so she is entirely alone as ther is no other half.
Like they say in Spain "the other half of my orange"....it sounds better in Spanish but that's the idea.
It's an amputation I suppose.
The idea of soul mates is romantic in its entirety and that's not enough for me. It's you own construct and it will keep you a prisoner.
A relationship ends. Mourn it
Move on and find someone worthy of your love

Your soul doesn't need a 'mate', it is complete in an off itself, and no man is an island. PLENTY of people live full, wonderful, happy and interesting lives without having a long-term romantic relationship. Many, many of them. There are so many different kinds of love in the world. It may well be that your nan did not want another long relationship with a man, my own nan did not after her spouse of 45 years died. She had an incredible life! She was not lonely. She dated, even had a few boyfriends but did not want another live-in relationship or marriage.

If you're not able to be content and happy in your own self and in your own company than the odds of having a healthy long-term relationship with someone else are slim. Love comes from within. Loving yourself first is the key to being to able to recognise and share it with others.

Yes. I feel like that too. But I used to be alone in my marriage. That's worse.

My nan was 53 when my grandad died. She had 6 kids with my mum being the youngest at 19 when he died. She died aged 98 having never dated anyone else. I find that heartbreaking. If she was happy (we thought she was, as kids) that is s great, but i think everyone deserves a companionships. My mum died at 59 and my dad has had a couple of friendships, but its been hard fir me, but i have my life, and dad needs to carry on.

I couldn’t be alone like my granny even though she had 27 grandkids.

I've been a single parent for 5 years. Barriers to meeting someone:

I don't 100% want to.
Legacy of domestic abuse.
Ongoing shit from my ex.
Ongoing mental health issues caused by the above.
Being bisexual - not even sure i'd want to meet a man (they're all married if they're halfway decent) and god knows where i'd meet the right woman.
Putting safety of my kids above my own needs.
Putting attention for my kids above my own needs.
I never go anywhere i'd meet someone anyway.
People generally let you down when you need them the most.
I'm larte 30s now and not that attractive anyway.

I find that heartbreaking.

Why? She may have been fine with it. She may have had lovers you knew nothing about. She may have been sick of a married relationship (my own grandmother certainly was) and enjoyed calling her own shots. She may have found she was more than content focusing on other relationships and that these provided her with all the 'companionship' she needed.

DM has been single since age 44. Her partner cheated on her and she said she would never have a man in her life again. She’s now 68 and still single.
We would love her to have a life partner to share things with but she just isn’t interested. She isn’t unhappy.

.

I'm 53 and recently separated. I will NEVER live with another man. I just can not be arsed with it. It has been really hard as I ended the marriage and I had so many doubts and still have moments where I feel very lonely and scared for the future but..... I just have no desire whatsoever to meet someone else. It's still early days and I am battling severe depression so I just do not have the emotional capacity to sustain any sort of romantic r'ship for the foreseeable future.

Sick of a married relationship? Certainly not. I know. She lost her only love. He died, he didn't leave her and she certainly wasn't sick of a married relationship. She devoted her life after that to her kids

Talk about your own grsn like that, don't assume mine was like her.

11 years ago the love of my life died.
I haven't been with a man since and I intend to keep it that way.
I'm still in love with my hubby.
Am I happy? Probably not but I do ok and it's enough for me.

My grandad wasn't her soul mate, very true. He left her. However, we can love another, she never did. Not a single other!
I will never truly know if she was happy about that. She spent alot of time with my aunt and cousins. I love to spend time with my family, they make me truly happy, especially my dc's. I just have feelings of needing to love/be loved. I enjoy my own company and feel I am happy being me, being single. I just began to feel differently recently. I like to think I will always feel content.

My grandad died when he was 60, my man had at least one 'suitor' but rejected every marriage proposal from him, she didn't really like him popping over but otherwise enjoyed a chat, she said. She never remarried or had a companion.

My gran chucked my grandpa out when my dad was a teen, she never had anyone else and I doubt she was ever interested.

I know my gran wasn't treated well by my grandpa, and I have my suspicions about how my nan felt about 'duties' within a marriage. So I think both of them just felt content without someone causing them grief. Definitely wasn't love of the century for either of them.

I’m single and live alone and am very happy. I have a wide, vibrant, close social network of friends who I spend a lot of time with; a couple of FwBs; all in all, a lot of very good and satisfying relationships around me. I’ve never felt like I need someone to “complete me”: I’m an entire person and I choose when I want or need company or support, I have the freedom to do most of what I want to do most of the time, and I think that’s something a lot of people sacrifice for the sake of “true love” - and indeed, I don’t think a lot of marriages are all that happy anyway, let alone involving “true love”.

sounds like your nan was an incredible lady and I'm sorry for your loss
I've been happily married to my dh for 10yrs but have always said should anything happen....then I would never look again! (easy to say but harder to do I suspect) but my kids would come first and I would try to enjoy life on my own.....(as did my own dear nan) I think it's admirable of your nan and mine to live their lives like that and maybe was a generational thing or pride that they only saw themselves with 1 man for life? my hubby is also my 1st and only love so maybe it's also the 'unknown territory' ? but there is never a right or wrong,you only live once so do what makes you happy

Sad as this is apparently women tend not to remarry because life is easier (in many ways) without a husband. Men need to be looked after and sex in tap. So I've heard.

I’m long term married to a good and helpful husband, mid/late 30s and absolutely don’t feel I need a man to complete me. If I was divorced or widowed, I really don’t know if I would bother looking for another man (maybe I’m just jaded but OLD and some of the things some MN DPs/DHs do sound just horrible).

I make an effort with my appearance but that’s just for me (any interest from others is incidental).

I split from XH in Feb 2012 and can't imagine ever living with a man again.
Love? Yes
Sex? Yes
Fun? Yes
But whoever he is we won't need to live together

I’m 44 & have been single for over 17 years. After about 7 years I went on 2 dates with a man. Didn’t enjoy it at all. Some years later I went on 2 dates with another man. Still didn’t enjoy it.
I LOVE being on my own. I have my beautiful kids, loads of friends. I really don’t feel like I’m missing anything.

I think what pps have said is true .

I generally and genuinely like men . But if I meet someone and I want to go for coffee with them \enjoy talking to them \enjoy their opinions on things then there's actually a good argument for having them as a friend - why do I need to partner up with them ?

I date and generally enjoy it as it's quite fun. I like getting dolled up and going on nice nights out and having sexual attention and a few cocktails and a kiss. I enjoy the whole flirtation thing and the "dance " and the "he likes me he likes me not " excitement . And even the analysing stuff is fun too .

However , pragmatically I know a lot of men (people ? ) come with serious baggage (children \neediness\ ex issues \health issues \financial issues ) after a certain age .

Having worked my way to a lifestyle I'm reasonably content with (including the all important retirement goals and plans ) I really don't want to be committed to looking after someone else or adjusting to them . If I want to travel round and take a sabbatical or spend all my money on shoes one month or drop or up my hours I will .

And that doesn't mean I don't believe in love or I'm an anti social spinster - I really do fancy and appreciate men and have loads of crushes and enjoy a fling where possible .

But it's important to look at the broader holistic lifestyle picture as well .

LikeLoveSatsumas my love died eleven years ago. I had an 11 year old and a 20 year old still at home then. I was not interested in finding anyone else. I was 48 years old then. My elder DC left home two years ago. My younger DC, now 23, leaves next week. Now I wonder how I will feel to be properly alone at 59. I still don't want a relationship but companionship would be welcome. My worry is the constant being alone. Nobody there when I get home.

I have never received a text from a monk or a nun saying ROFLMAO

Neither have I seen a monk or a nun post on the Relationships board.

The only "soul mates" I have ever had, have been animals.

Humans are far too complex.