Sister taking all of the things from family home

[sportinguista]

I just need to establish if I'm being unreasonable in feeling the way I do about things. DH says I'm not but I find it difficult to talk to family and I know Dsis will be defensive regarding this.

A bit of background...I'm the eldest of two sisters, our mother died when I was 20 and she 18, we were both at uni. She has remained in our home town, I didn't and live some distance. My father has since married again and his wife tolerates my sister but has said that she'll have neither myself nor my husband in the house. Therefore we have never really been down to their home and meet either here or in my sister's home. At first, my father blamed me and my husband but has since conceded that her dislike/hatred is irrational and without foundation but has not challenged it to 'keep the peace' and says that it's just 'her way'. This means my DS has had little contact with his GF over the years unfortunately but I can't really do much about it.

Recently I came to realise that much of the stuff, including jewellery and household items that I believed my father had in his home and would come to us with time, are now in my sister's possession. A few years ago she shared some jewellery with me giving me a small jewellery box belonging to my mother which turned out to contain three brooches which originally came from jumble sales, a small fake pearl pendant and a small silver pendant on chain which I had bought my mother when I was 13 and she always wore. There were none of the higher value items so I just assumed that these were still in trust as I'd always been told. I've since realised that my sister has them all bar my mum's wedding rind which my dad gave me and a couple of items my mum gave me before she died.

My sister also has a large number of household goods that were given as wedding presents to my parents and although they are not very high value they are lovely things ( think canteens of cutlery and glassware) some of the things were actually bought for me too such as commemorative glasses. She also has books and some other items of mine which I left for safety when I was living in shared accommodation which she took from the house without my permission as well.

I only really realised that my father probably thinks I have been given these as recently he enquired about an item that he gave for my DS (an old police helmet of his) which I've never received. My sister has had one in her house for years which BIL niece and nephew and my DS played with. My father asked DS if he liked playing with the one he had at home to which he replied that there wasn't one. My dad asked me where it was (he apparently gave two to Dsis and some uniform some for each) thinking I had kept it out of DS way and I replied that I'd not had it at all. My dad just went silent and didn't say much.

Fast forward and we're now going to be moving back to DH home country, we're unlikely to be coming back a great deal and with budget airline baggage allowances we wouldn't be able to take much in between. I'd like to take with us some mementoes from my mum to pass on to DS in the future and as he's the only GC he really should have them (Dsis doesn't have children and is past that age). Should I ask about them knowing it will likely cause trouble as she has taken all of them it seems. Or do I leave and keep the family atmosphere intact?

You received your mum's wedding ring, some pieces she gave to you before she died, and some costume pieces via your sister. This seems sufficient to me.

Your sister has some household items of low - but possibly sentimental - value that your father chose to give to her. Again, I wouldn't kick up a fuss about that. Your sister obviously has a much closer relationship and lives in the same village, and your dad probably thought nothing of giving her, say, an unused canteen of cutlery that wasn't really worth anything.

The books and other items that belonged to you should have been given to you. It's odd that they weren't, unless you had been asked to take them but didn't, or decades had passed. I think if there's something of sentimental value, you could reasonably ask for it.

I think you could ask your sister about the police helmet that your father thought you had. But why didn't he give it to you? Why did he give it to your sister, to pass on? If you want it, I think you could ask whether she still has two without causing offence.

And in terms of a momento of your mum for ds, what specifically do you have in mind? A general accusation that she has everything and needs to hand some over is unlikely to go down well.

I wouldn't expect much inheritance, op. I think you should mentally prepare yourself for that.

Seems to me you can kick up a fuss and likely end up falling out with them all, or you can live with a superficially OK relationship with them all. At least you're moving away, hey?

Of course you should be asking for your fair share of things from the family home. Sentimental worth is at least as valuable as monetary value, if not more.

You've had a few of your moms things. If you wanted anything else, you should have asked when she passed.

You can't just leave it sitting there then begrudge your sister taking it instead.

You say your DS played with the helmet with nieces and nephews but then said your sister has no DC's?

Is your son old enough to remember your DM? If not I don't think him not having something of hers is relevant.

You can't really take anything with you anyway when you move, so it doesn't really feel like you're missing out. You'd probably have had to dispose of some of the bigger items when you moved anyway.

My sister has the jewellery that is well in excess of the value of any items I have, she basically took anything that was of value or nice I have 3 worthless brooches one of which was broken, in terms of the split I would say it's around 85/15. I have none of the household things which are not extremely valuable but due to their age and being expensive at the time would be fairly valuable just not worth hundreds.

The items that belonged to me just appeared in her home, I had asked my dad where they were but was told he didn't know. My BIL was using them and assumed they were her's. I know it's my fault for not saying anything but I knew I'd likely be accused of being 'selfish'.

Yes, she has had a closer relationship due to distance. We did look at moving closer at one point but we cannot afford the city or even county where they live.

Regarding the helmet she will take offence and is likely to deny that my dad gave one for me despite him assuring me he did and thinking I was lying about not having it. I've kind of given up on that one.

I don't intend to say that she has everything although I know she pretty much has, I was intending to ask my dad and see what was said in light of the fact we won't be able to return as much going forward. We are moving for mainly economic reasons as we'll be able to be mortgage free and have a better quality of life. I just would like some items to remember my mum by and to pass to DS. With things as they are the things that were my mum's may end up with BIL's family and whilst he perfectly lovely they are not really of any significance to them.

I reckon I'm going to have to just walk away aren't I?

Eeek all seems a bit too fraught atm to me. I personally wouldn't want to upset the balance, unless you don't 'care' that it would? I'd say just go about your move and keep lines of communication open for your son.

It sounds as if your mother has been gone over 20 years . You really should have taken your mother's things ages ago - not waited until now. Surely you've been to see your father over the years ?

The niece and nephew are my BIL's brother's children. There were 2 hemets, one that was supposed to come to us, this is from my dad who is still alive and DS knows.

We will be able to take things when we move as we will be moving via road freight all our furniture and the things I'd like to take are ornaments/small household items. We just won't be able to take anything with us when we come back to visit as it will be by plane.

I was told it would all be held at my dad's for when he passed so I never asked. I suppose at least I got my certificates as she wouldn't have seen a use for them.

I suppose I feel hurt as I wouldn't have even thought to do this to her, I couldn't have lived with myself. I really don't think she sees us as being close, I'm not sure she even likes me.

Yes, I've seen my father over the years, not as much as I'd like due to his wife's hostility. I was always told things were held for when he passed.

If your sister has no kids wlll it al come to your son in future anyway?

I've not been allowed near my father's house for close to 20 years due to his wife I didn't know they had been taken until some appeared in Dsis house a few years ago. I've been reluctant to upset the balance. But this will be my last chance likely and DH says if you go now with this in your head it will be there forever.

I’d kick up a right stink.
Your unlikely to see her again anyway.

It might, although as DS will likely be living in DH country it might be taken by BIL relatives before he ever sees it. That was what happened to both my GPs stuff, we have barely anything due to other relatives who lived closer coming in and stripping what they wanted before anything was officially divided. Things like my GF's medals are now with a person who is non-blood related and they should have come to my dad.

Am I entitled and grabby even to want a couple of small things?

Your not entitled or grabby, but you aren't going to get anything. Your sister knew what she was doing and your dad isn't going to correct her. Sorry, it sucks.

‘Hi DSIS, dad mentioned that he’d given you some of his old uniform for DS. We may be moving soon and it will be really lovely for DS to have that in terms of connection to family and roots. When would be a good time to come and get it?’

Similar for any specific items you want, but if it’s just about value / ratios because of the principle, just let it go.

I know, it does hurt because I wouldn't do the same to her. I know it will be difficult regarding inheritance too as my DF wife will likely challenge the will. My Dsis is an executor but she has the money to look after her interests any concessions will be made with my and DS likely share of that I realise.

DH says we only have ourselves to rely on which is true. He is unlikely to inherit anything from his family despite promises made at some point.

I can live with that, all I would like is a few small things they can have the rest.

You can always ask?
What's your relationship like with your sis?
But honestly? If twenty years have passed since your mum died, and you haven't taken or at least enquired as to the whereabouts of those items, I think its fair enough to assume you didn't want them.

I can't quite understand why you're saying it here but not to them.
At the end of the day if your dsis has taken stuff including your stuff I'd have it out with her.
What's to lose? You're leaving anyway.
It doesn't bode well for your future relationship with them anyway.

I don’t mean to be picky but if she doesn’t have children who are bil niece and nephew who play with the helmet at sil house.
She doesn’t seem to care about you. If there is something you really want it’s worth kicking up a huge stink about it but only really if you are prepared to walk out holding it while she screams I’m calling the police, and relationship pretty much over. But I’m not sure it sounds like a relationship anyway? Bye dad, I’m sorry you were a crappy dad who let your wife ban your child from the house. Bye sis, you never liked me so let’s leave it there?

To be honest OP if it bothers you this much, just ask for some stuff.
You're not going to get anything when DF dies if his wife's still going to be around.
I don't imagine your family will come to visit much (sorry) as they sound like selfish fucks, so you're not losing out by asking.

If they say no, so be it, but you'll know you tried.

Monty and timeisnotaline, you're right I don't think our relationship is that good. It has suited my Dsis for me to be out of the picture a good deal. I left home at 16 to study so she must have felt a bit like an only. There have been other inequalities as she was gifted a deposit for her first home. My dad did promise the same for me but never fulfilled as his new wife was on the scene by then. It suits my sister when I'm far away. We used to go down to visit at her home but never felt particularly welcome so stopped. They come up once or twice a year, sometimes less for a few hours. Only my BIL rings regularly as I'm a supplier for two of their businesses.

What sort of household things did she get OP? Was it stuff the new wife would have had and so duplicates that no-one thought too much about?

It makes me a bit uncomfortable reading that things of your late mothers are 'worthless'. Is that really how you feel OP? You gave her a necklace when you were 13 and your sister made sure you got it. You also got her wedding ring which is quite a big thing. Does it really matter what the value of these items are or is it more important that they belonged to your mum? I think you should get your books back but then did anyone know they actually belonged to you?

Monty, I wanted to be sure that what I'm asking isn't unreasonable before I waded in. It's more to get some things straight in my head, that I'm not some grabby, two-headed monster and that maintaining a relationship is more important. My sister does like DS when she sees him and always sends Christmas and birthday gifts. My dad to be fair has had more contact with his wife's GC than DS so they don't really have that bond although DS does get on well with him when he does visit but at one point he hadn't seen DS for close to 4 years.

I don't think the brooches are 'worthless' in terms of sentimental value the pendant I treasure because it's something she wore everyday and I gave it to her. Obviously, the wedding ring is of worth but I have a hunch I only got that because my dad gave it, and of course I love it because it was her's and it will go do DS with time. There were a couple of items which I would have loved to have had too, neither of them worth the most. The brooches I keep because they were hers.

Yes, my sister would have known the books and other items were mine but that has not stopped her taking stuff in the past, I lent her a book when I was with DH and had to beg to have it back. One item as far as I ca tell may have since been broken and disposed of so now will not be returnable.