Sister taking all of the things from family home

[sportinguista]

I just need to establish if I'm being unreasonable in feeling the way I do about things. DH says I'm not but I find it difficult to talk to family and I know Dsis will be defensive regarding this.

A bit of background...I'm the eldest of two sisters, our mother died when I was 20 and she 18, we were both at uni. She has remained in our home town, I didn't and live some distance. My father has since married again and his wife tolerates my sister but has said that she'll have neither myself nor my husband in the house. Therefore we have never really been down to their home and meet either here or in my sister's home. At first, my father blamed me and my husband but has since conceded that her dislike/hatred is irrational and without foundation but has not challenged it to 'keep the peace' and says that it's just 'her way'. This means my DS has had little contact with his GF over the years unfortunately but I can't really do much about it.

Recently I came to realise that much of the stuff, including jewellery and household items that I believed my father had in his home and would come to us with time, are now in my sister's possession. A few years ago she shared some jewellery with me giving me a small jewellery box belonging to my mother which turned out to contain three brooches which originally came from jumble sales, a small fake pearl pendant and a small silver pendant on chain which I had bought my mother when I was 13 and she always wore. There were none of the higher value items so I just assumed that these were still in trust as I'd always been told. I've since realised that my sister has them all bar my mum's wedding rind which my dad gave me and a couple of items my mum gave me before she died.

My sister also has a large number of household goods that were given as wedding presents to my parents and although they are not very high value they are lovely things ( think canteens of cutlery and glassware) some of the things were actually bought for me too such as commemorative glasses. She also has books and some other items of mine which I left for safety when I was living in shared accommodation which she took from the house without my permission as well.

I only really realised that my father probably thinks I have been given these as recently he enquired about an item that he gave for my DS (an old police helmet of his) which I've never received. My sister has had one in her house for years which BIL niece and nephew and my DS played with. My father asked DS if he liked playing with the one he had at home to which he replied that there wasn't one. My dad asked me where it was (he apparently gave two to Dsis and some uniform some for each) thinking I had kept it out of DS way and I replied that I'd not had it at all. My dad just went silent and didn't say much.

Fast forward and we're now going to be moving back to DH home country, we're unlikely to be coming back a great deal and with budget airline baggage allowances we wouldn't be able to take much in between. I'd like to take with us some mementoes from my mum to pass on to DS in the future and as he's the only GC he really should have them (Dsis doesn't have children and is past that age). Should I ask about them knowing it will likely cause trouble as she has taken all of them it seems. Or do I leave and keep the family atmosphere intact?

What household items of low worth are we talking about?

What items of yours did your sister take?

I'm on the fence, and think it really depends what sorts of items are under discussion.

You moved out at 16, and your mum died four years later. So decades ago you left the house and never really went back.

If, twenty years after you left home, your dsis appropriated a set of teaspoons and a couple of books then you're being ridiculous.

If she took the heirloom china and silverware, and beloved childhood toys of yours, then that's different.

But I do think you have to recognise that decades have passed and you're only just now raising this as an issue. Why have you never collected your things? I know your smum doesn't like you but would she rally have stopped you turning up with a box to collect your property?

And actually, your mum's wedding ring and the necklace she wore every day seem extremely significant to me.

your Sister is a thieving conniving witch.

Just let it go....it will only cause trouble is it really worth all the grief....you are happy leave it be..

I have all the jewellery. Its been at the back of the wardrobe for 6 years now. My sister and I are yet to go through it. But if the day ever comes and we do split it, we won't ever wear it. It wouldn't fill our heart with joy and the monetary value is fk all, as we'd rather have our Mum. It's just sad. It shouldn't be a competition. You won't really gain anything from having a diamond or ruby...

I'd only ask about the helmet for DS based on what your dad said. Leave everything else, unless it's item that belong to you. It's not worth the fallout.

It's all very sad that your dad's wife is like this...you and your Dsis could have become closer with all this, but that's not case.

I hope your dad leaves a will with you and your Dsis in mind...or the dragon wife will have it all.

If your dad goes before her, her kids will end up with your old family home once she passes away...no doubt about that.

Such a shame your dad has allowed his wife to ban you from his home for no reason. I don't understand men like this....who just roll over and comply. Such a sad situation really.

I don't know why your dad hasn't stuck up for you but as the "new" wife has been with your dad 20 years why wouldn't she get it all if he dies before her? She'll still have to live.

You have your mums wedding ring and the pendant she loved and wore every day. Why would you want to lug her old tea sets across the continent anyway?

Write out a list of the things that are yours as well as the things of your mother's & the household items that you think a fair division & give it to your sister. Tell her you'll collect them all before you leave.
If you're named in your father's will for a specific bequest then no-one can change that or alter percentages etc without your written agreement.

Following his death of course, obviously he can alter his will during his lifetime.

I think i’d feel just as aggrieved as you do, you’ve nothing to lose, ask for your stuff.

Just to clear up something, my dad's wife will have a lifetime interest in the house in that she will be able to live there either till she dies, goes into care or if she decides to move (which is possible as she may decide to move nearer her own daughter) she will also receive his pension and probably some other investments. The house because my dad bought it outright after the sale of our former family home and with an insurance policy that paid of the mortgage on the death of my mum is held in trust for myself, my sister and my son as far as I know so it won't be taken into consideration for care costs as she will not be the legal owner just a lifetime tenant. I expect she may try to challenge this but I'm not sure, given that she will have other monies coming how far that would get. My sister would have the means to challenge that, I most definitely would not. There are other monies and investments made within my mother's lifetime that may also come to us. Really even if my dad only made a bequest enough to give my son money for his education I'd be happy.

As regards the stuff if it were a couple of teaspoons I'd certainly not be bothered. To some extent I'm not bothered about the jewellery as I have a couple of items and I'm happy I have at least that, those were given during my mother's lifetime and so mean more to me as she gave them and I know she wanted me to have them, it would mean a lot to her that they go to DS even though she never saw him. The household stuff is things that my mum was very proud of and she always said would come to us both, things like some very lovely cutlery that was never used because it was not the sort you used for every day and also glassware which the same applied as well as some ornaments she collected some of which were antiques.

I was ready to just give up last night but DH said it's not about me really it's about my son. It shouldn't be that these things likely end up with BIL's family when they should be his. That we're going has brought this into sharp focus as we are going to be limited by budget and travel back to here will not be as easy.

My stuff I'm a bit pissed about but in the end, I've learned to live with it and I'll replace the items I lost from second-hand shops which have close matches to those.

As to why my dad hasn't stuck up for me against his wife I suppose it comes down to the fact that he has to live with her and not me. I think he's also miffed at us because we didn't move back to my hometown, but by the time we were able to buy prices were already out of reach and both of us would have struggled to get a decently paying job in that area, in fact, we'd struggle even more so now. So, I'm really out of sight and out of mind and he doesn't have to deal with it and it's really been at the cost of his relationship with his grandson which despite it all I do try to keep alive.

As for my sister I often wonder if it's the lack of her own children, she's never talked to me about whether she's childfree by choice or not, I suspect not. Perhaps the things are her way of having 'more' than me. She does love my son and is a good auntie so I wonder if letting her have them is the way forward. The irony is there are only a couple of items I'd really want and the rest she could keep, the jewellery I would ask that comes to my son on her death and is protected by some sort of trust in that way so legally it would be theft for anyone else to take them, they should be his eventually by right and I think both my mum and dad would want that.

I'm going to email my dad today and ask the question as our timeline for going is spring next year so there realistically isn't a huge amount of time. Asking won't hurt and hopefully we might even get a few bits!

I’d ask politely but be prepared for a knock back

Should everything come to your son "by right" though? Nobody is entitled to anything.

Honestly, he will not care about some old cutlery and it's all worth very little. People get hung up on this stuff but you should let it go.

You say your sister is a good auntie, you think that she's wanted children but can't/hasn't had them and you're going to go in there asking for ornaments that she probably hasn't even realised you want because they should go to your son "by right on her death"!!

Why on earth have you not bothered to mention these oh so important ornaments in 20 years until you saw your sister had them? And why would you be thinking ahead to your sisters death?!

I feel for you OP as my family are very similar. Death and assets bring out the worst in them all. I was somewhat fortunate that my GM realised that I had more of a sentimental side to me, and when GF died the only thing I'd asked for - when asked I hasten to add - was a small trinket I'd given to him which was worthless but he loved as it was the first gift I'd bought him with my own money. My parents flung it as if it was nothing. When GM ended up in a home, she knew I'd always wanted one of her items and she always wanted me to have it - worthless again but beautiful and sentimental to her and GF. My parents again flung it. She managed to hand me some of her more sentimental and valuable items after that. My wider family only know of one piece of that, and they weren't too impressed to find I had it. I've been urged to sell it and divvy the money up. I won't, she gave me explicit instructions not to do that and that they were her gift to me. Her remaining belongings were sorted through and anything valuable left aside to be sold off for when she died (years later). I think only one item remains unsold other than what I have.

I think, like you, I'd be stuck between being pissed off the things weren't divided as your dm would have wanted but at least being thankful you had something sentimental. I would suggest though that if anything happens with your df you engage a solicitor quickly, your sister has shown she isn't willing to put their wishes above her own gain.

Have not read it all but this happened to another relative of mine.

I am with you on this one. What happens is the nice person sits back and thinks things of value will be equally shared they then find the more bossy family member takes all the good stuff themselves when your not there.

It then looks grabby to ask. They know this!

Why are you being so passive if this stuff really matters that much to you? Just ask!!

I'd explained earlier in the thread that I'd always assumed they would be held in trust at my dad's as they were his too and he's still living and despite what happened to my mum and how painful that was I think he wasn't ready to just ditch everything that was part of his life with her. Items like my mother's wedding and engagement ring were part of this. I do think even my dad would say certain items should stay with our family, obviously, I cannot choose what my sister decides to do with things and if she decides that she wants to leave my mother's things to the dog's home in preference to my son I cannot stop her. Morally if it had been me in her place I would not have been able to do the same and would have felt I needed to share as I know how much it would have hurt her if I hadn't.

As regards to when my dad passes I likely won't be able to stop any of it. I'm not wealthy at all and a solicitor would be beyond me. I just hope that at least they abide by any wishes my dad has regarding my son, for my part they can keep the bloody lot and hope it brings them happiness, money is not what is important it's the memories you have of the people and times.

I do have digital copies of the photos at least which is something and they give me a lot of pleasure, in fact I'm going through and making repairs/colour correction to them all at the moment as it's something my dad didn't have the funds to do and as it's kind of my profession I can do it easily and I will pass on those to my dad and sister too.

Nope I'm not thinking of my sister's death as quite honestly I imagine I will predecease her and some of my stuff will likely come to her as I can't imagine going without her having something to remember me by. Although I'd quite like her to remember me just for me and the times we had primarily!

I will ask my dad and see what he says and abide by that, I do believe no one is entitled but I also would never be unfair in certain situations. I think the key is asking so that I know where I stand before we go and I can depart with my mind at rest and knowing that.

The way you are thinking about it is all wrong though.

"Held in trust at my dads"? These things are ornaments, not trust funds. It's been 20 years, most people would assume that after 20 years you weren't overly interested in a canteen of cutlery or a commemorative mug.

You don't seem to understand how wills work and what your sisters role as executor will be. I would look into that as it seems to breeding resentment on your part.

"the jewellery I would ask that comes to my son on her death and is protected by some sort of trust in that way so legally it would be theft for anyone else to take them" This is your sisters death you are talking about which is odd as she is still young and might have children of her own yet. And these "trusts" you keep mentioning don't exist. If she leaves it in her will for your son then it will go to him.

I think that you are all still wounded. Losing your DM so young is horrific, your DF moving on and allowing you to be castigated by the evil step mum and now you moving abroad has opened this wound.

It is all about loss. Not canteens of cutlery, broken broaches. Maybe look at some counselling to understand why at this moment (moving abroad) has got you tangled up in sounds like decades old issues that were not resolved.

Maybe your focus should be on leaving your DS and DF in the best way relationship wise - you will not be able to repair it from abroad.

You keep saying you want all these items for your son, but will he even want them?

I can’t imagine a man in his twenties (assuming he is that age when your dad dies) wanting his grandmother’s old dinner service.

Have you actually asked your sister to share some of these things with you?

Is it possible that your sister is trying to save things?
If your father hasn't made a new will since his marriage, everything he owns will go to his new wife if he dies first. You and your sister will get nothing.
A marriage invalidates any pre-existing will.

My sister turned on me like that

Got bitter and twisted as I didn't have a child but she did. She did everything to make sure people knew her kid was legitimate and it split the whole family and none of us talk now over pettiness like this

Don't start a war over a minor emotion.

Your kid isn't special cos its legitimate and every child is special. Stop being such an asshole

Ime blaming your sm for being kept away is letting your df off the hook. Why would you want your dc to have a relationship with a man who let you be pushed away by his dw? He isn't a positive addition to your lives... Accept what you have had given already and move on.

The best inheritance that you could pass on to your son is a meaningful and respectful relationship with his GF and DA.

That would be valuable and precious.

You could nurture and do everything to support his relationship with his aunt who seems to be consistently interested, generous and kind to him over the years. He will be more special to her than you realise given she has no children.

I would put aside all of the hurt between you, your DS and DF (unresolved grief?) and focus on modelling a positive future real relationship for your DS.

You could ask / “enquire” about one or two things in the context of your DS - but do it v diplomatically, don’t rock the boat and be prepared to row back with the overall objective of saving the relationship for your DS.

My sister did this, as I was living in another country when both my mother and later my father died. I have nothing from the family home, not even a photo of my parents or myself as a child, as she took all family photos and albums too. One of the many reasons we have been NC for years. Don't know if she's dead or alive, and I don't care.